Oklahoma ladies, you’re whoring days are coming to a close. And those days where you could actually control your body, career, and economic situation? They’re ending as well. It’s time to live up to your destiny, you know. Stop suppressing who you were meant to be. Give up your birth control pills. You’ve had your fun but now Senator Clark Jolley wants you to know that a friend of his thinks it’s poison so it’s totally not okay to take it. Yes, you read that correctly. A politician knows an irrelevant dude who makes false claims regarding women’s health, a variation on a popular theme.
From the Tulsa World:
What’s up, readers? It’s finally Friday and you know what that means. That’s right! It’s time for another weekend that you spend glued to your couch while you watch a Battlestar Galactica marathon on Netflix. That’s the life. But do you remember when you used to go out on the weekends? That was fun, wasn’t it? Well, in case you get the itch to not be a boring hermit this weekend, I’ve got your back. Here’s a list of all the things you ought to do, because seriously, eating pizza straight out of the box and hitting “play next episode” is not a life.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Currently, the best commercial on television is the commercial for Norman Chrysler Jeep and Dodge where Kendrick Perkins refuses to sing “that goofy song.” I especially like the part where Serge Ibaka says “You can do it, Perk!” Personally, if I had Serge telling me that I could do something, I’d probably be a lot more motivated to get things done. The second best commercial on television right now is the Geico commercial where Eddie Money works at a travel agency and keeps singing “Two Tickets to Paradise.”
Now, Eddie Money doesn’t actually work at a travel agency. This isn’t because he isn’t qualified, but really because sites like Priceline and Travelocity have really rendered travel agencies obsolete. So, rather than help folks acquire cruise tickets, Mr. Money is still singing his songs and you can catch him tonight at Lucky Star Casino. Get yourself to Concho, and maybe after the show you can play some slots and win yourself enough to purchase two tickets to paradise.
Well, readers, I think we can agree on one thing, and that is that high school was awful. If you’re the sort of person who really enjoyed their glory days, screw you. My date to the junior prom left with another girl and I was one of like 7 brown kids in Edmond. You can’t make me relive that crap ever. But for the kids these days, high school is about to get a little bit worse because there’s a Republican state representative who doesn’t really want them to learn anymore.
In the grand tradition of stupid things our elected representatives have proposed, students could very well start making A’s on papers they write about Jesus riding a raptor. From MotherJones.com:
Well, readers, it’s the day after Valentine’s Day. That means that a portion of you totally got laid last night. And another larger portion of you are in the doghouse for not putting any effort into the holiday. And still, and even larger portion of you stayed home last night all by yourself and drank beer and watched Netflix. You probably contemplated touching yourself, but ultimately, you were too lazy. Besides, it was so warm under that fleece blanket and you didn’t want to take off those pajama pants. It’s cool, readers. I’m not judging.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Fun fact: I used to work at a professional wrestling-themed barbecue restaurant in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart right off the interstate. This is just one of the many mistakes I’ve made in my career. That heinous place has since closed. But I still remember the satellite radio station that would play “Black Water” every twenty minutes. That’s what I think of when I think of The Doobie Brothers.
Maybe you have a better memory of The Doobie Brothers. But I’m willing to bet that if you’re a fan of the band, you don’t remember a whole lot. It’s not your fault. That’s just how drugs work. If you have a vague recollection of maybe liking The Doobie Brothers and would like to refresh your memory as well as probably meet a dude from Newcastle who can sell you some weed, get yourself to Concho.
ARE YOU READY FOR THE THRILL OF YOUR LIFE? IT’S GOING DOWN THIS WEEKEND AT THE ‘PEAKE. SEE THE BIGGEST MONSTER TRUCKS TO SET THEIR SITES ON DESTRUCTION! IT’S MONSTER JAM THIS SATURDAY AND SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! YOU PAY FOR THE WHOLE SEAT BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!
Real talk: I’ve never seen a monster truck in person. But I’ve seen a lot of dudes with small penises who drive lifted trucks through Oklahoma City. And if those jackwagons in lifted trucks have small penises, how small are the penises of monster truck drivers? This is probably something you can find out this weekend at the Chesapeake Energy Arena. But beware. If you attend this event, I will label you as deadweight for the human race. Sorry. But you are.
I’m pretty much constantly guilty of complaining about how I look. It’s not that I’m not happy with myself, I’m just aware of the fact that I’m not Beyoncé. I find this hard to accept, especially since I’m pretty sure that when God created Beyoncé, He photoshopped her into creation, hence her proportions. I know I will never be Beyoncé, and I’m starting to get okay with that. Because rather than hate myself, I’d prefer to hate the bodies of others.
If you love yourself and you love working out in a dancey sort of way, then you should get yourself to Star Skate in Norman. You get to do some Zumba, everyone’s favorite pyramid scheme that makes you look a little like Shakira, and a lot like a drunk white girl at a wedding. Come celebrate your body by shaking it and skating and drinking smoothies.
That’s all for this weekend, readers. I love you all even if you didn’t get me any flowers for Valentine’s Day.
“Friday Night in the Big Town” is presented by Lucky Star Casino. Visit LuckyStarCasino.org to check out a full calendar of their events and concerts.
Norman is a pretty nice place to live. Sure, I have to deal with stupid traffic nine months out of the year, and sometimes I feel old when I go to Campus Corner because I’m actually of legal drinking age. But it has a nice small town sort of feel, and the beer is always cheap. It’s safe to say that Norman is a quiet little college town and a burgeoning suburb where you can live quietly and ride your bike pretty much anywhere you want.
But let’s rewind back to Monday, February 11—the day that the apocalypse happened in Norman, Oklahoma.
Two escaped inmates went on the run, causing a city-wide lockdown for Norman Public Schools as well as multiple alert texts being sent to OU students. One was caught fairly quickly, but one of the inmates gave the cops a run for him money. Buses stopped running in certain areas as the city searched for someone in green pants and a brown coat.
Now, as I’m reading the alert texts from OU, my mother sent me a text asking if I was still alive because she heard about the fatal car wreck on I-35. All southbound lanes were closed to traffic between Main and Lindsey as crews worked to clean up the wreck.
But wait, there’s more! Did you know people still rob banks? Forget that our dependence upon credit and debit cards makes card counterfeiting and phishing scams a more viable money making opportunity, because this dude went old school. Homeboy passed a note to the Bank of Oklahoma teller, she gave him some cash, and he rode away on his bike.
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