Last week, Patrick made you aware that KFOR’s Facebook wanted to know if raping kids was okay. The post in question has since been removed and KFOR has apologized. But, if you happen to follow KFOR on any form of social media, you know that this isn’t an isolated incident. Sure, they’re not always asking about rape. Sometimes, they’re using charged words to drum up page views and comments. And let me make it abundantly clear that we are the only Oklahoma media entity for whom it is okay to do that. We may break a story every now and again, but we aren’t a news outlet and there are very few out there who actually take us seriously.
That is why I bring to you readers a little something I like to call “KFOR’s Social Media Greatest Hits.”
Uh oh! It’s an * explosion *! I can only assume that the individual doing this was trying to make the word bold by using the two asterisk shortcut that works in Word. That being said, you need to make sure that formatting works for the platform you’re using, because it looks like little fireworks around an explosion. Either that, or they couldn’t find a good explosion emoji.
Well, Christmas is in the air, and I only say this because I’m about to tell about a ton of Christmas activities. No, there isn’t a single Christmas decoration in my home, and I totally bought Halloween Fruit Rollups at Big Lots yesterday. But maybe you’re totally feeling this season. I mean, the weather is about to get cooler and maybe you aren’t on the naughty list. I, myself, have bought some craft supplies for decorating this season and was pleased to find that Big Lots registers don’t make the employees check IDs when you purchase spray paint. Did you hear that, you OKC Metro hooligans? Big Lots has tons of spray paint, and unlike Wal-Mart, they don’t require a parent’s permission. Merry Christmas, you awful taggers who will be drawing genitalia on every building!
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Last year I went to go see The Nutcracker and it was a lot of fun. This was about the fortieth time that I’ve seen the Oklahoma City Ballet perform The Nutcracker, and it’s awesome every time. Last year I enjoyed it so much that I briefly considered taking one of those Barre3 workout classes. That faded really quick, but I still enjoyed the show nonetheless. And, full disclosure, unlike Black Swan, Natalie Portman doesn’t die at the end of any Oklahoma City Ballet performances.
This year, there are a bunch of family activities before and after the shows. You can decorate an ornament in the lobby, get your picture taken with Santa (even though I really want a picture with the Oklahoma City Ballet hippo) and there is even a Braum’s milk and cookies reception with the dancers after the shows. I had a lot of fun last year, and even made plans to steal a cute little kid who played the mouse in the ballet. If you go, I hope you have more luck stealing children.
There is absolutely nothing about this holiday season that is appropriate. The weather makes me want to go ride bikes and flirt with boys until they buy me snow cones (I’m told that this is the definition of an adult relationship) all while wearing shorts and a tube top. So you’ve got your Christmas tree out? Big deal. I still have my AC on. What’s that, you say? You’ve donated three coats to Warmth 4 Winter? Well, you probably should’ve donated flip flops, son. I know it’s lame when people talk about the weather and how weird it is in Oklahoma, but all of this is leading to a much bigger, much more important point: There is an escaped killer on the loose who may or may not be heading to the metro, and much like the weather, this is not Christmas-appropriate.
Do you have any idea how much of my time in October is spent trying to be scared? I spend literally tens of dollars on movies and haunted houses to get me in the spirit. And, while I will admit, I am technically what some would call “afraid of the dark”, I really enjoy scary things. But not in December. You see, in December, I don’t want to be scared. I want to be depressed about the cold and having to spend time with family and going broke to buy presents. But like everything else with this winter season, Oklahoma is getting the short end of the stick.
Well, here we are readers, at the end of November. November is Latin for “holiday overload.” Maybe. I didn’t take Latin because it’s a dead language, and the notion of speaking to those that have passed terrifies me. Anyway, December is upon us, and I never got tickets for the Mountain Goats show on Monday even though Tony totally told me to do it back in October and that’s only adding to my seasonal affective disorder and Christmas debt induced depression. I’m such a downer, but that’s why they keep me on staff here at The Lost Ogle. I kill the buzz, and ensure that you don’t have too much fun each weekend.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town!
I refuse to believe that my life experience is unique in anyway, so I assume you readers know what I’m talking about when I ask if you remember singing along to “Second Stage Turbine Blade” in the back of your friend, Beth’s Chevy Lumina while you cruised Edmond and went to go see Hopes the Carrot play at Hafer Park? No? Really? Well, perhaps that was hyper-specific. But I assure you, back in 2002, that the was the thing all the cool kids in Edmond were doing, and by cool kids, I mean the girls who wore Chuck Taylors and hoodies all the time and obsessed about boys in bands.
Anyway, If an integral part of your adolescence involved shouting lyrics like “Jesse! Just come look at what your brother did/Here he did away with me” and never really knowing what the songs were actually about, then I’m sure you’ll be at the Diamond tonight. To this day, even though I don’t have the sort of energy needed to sing along to a song anymore, occasionally I’ll yell out Coheed Lyrics, if only because they’re awfully accusatory and great when you’re drunk. Case in point: “Cannibalistic unfit family ties!”
I remember my days at John Ross Elementary back in Edmond fondly. The day we got new playground equipment, winning student of the month the first month of every school year, and being called fat every day of the first grade by a blonde girl named Megan (who should really check Facebook once in a while because, bitch, your husband is cheating on you). As much as I dog on Edmond, it really was a good place to grow up. The schools were great, and thanks to Megan, I learned how the rest of the world views me and decided to pursue a career where people couldn’t actually see how I look.
Despite my happy memories, I suppose there are those who don’t have them. For example, there’s a 9-year-old from Orvis Risner who has assaulted a teacher.
From the story on NewsOK.com:
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