We all have those little items that are special to us. I have a lucky pair of Converse shoes. The soles are worn thin, there are bleach spots on them from back in the day when I used to bar tend, and there are holes in the canvas. But I will never get rid of these shoes because I’m an incredibly superstitious person and to get rid of them would be akin to suicide in my book. Perhaps you have a pair of underwear, a keychain, or a blankie that is also imbued with similar power.
Kids have these things too, only their special things are dumb because they’re kids. And because they’re kids, they lose their stuff all the time. But that’s okay because some lady and Lance West don’t know that the children’s book, Corduroy, wasn’t real and that stuffed animals are maybe trying to escape instead of trying to get home. According to KFOR:
It may be a Monday, but chances are that you have a 3-day weekend on the horizon. And that weekend will be filled with sunshine, watermelon, and lighting things on fire in the name of freedom. I hope thoughts of these things can get you through this day. If not, know that you can always find a storage closet or an empty office to nap in until you get to go home. Do what you need to do to survive.
Anyway, I’ve gathered a lot of tweets from the past week for you to enjoy. As always, they’re after the jump.
Well, we are officially in summer now. And nothing says summer to me like swimming, snow cone stands and drinking on a patio somewhere while wearing ridiculously big sunglasses. Sure, it’s crazy hot and you can’t go outside without getting your blood sucked by no less than 50 mosquitoes, but that’s not going to stop anyone, is it?
Anyway, while wasting precious hours of my life on the internet yesterday, I stumbled across this post about 20 signs you learned to drink in Oklahoma. While some of them rang true, it didn’t really speak to me. What can I say? I grew up thinking Coors Light was fancy. I’ll straight up drink anything. And because of this, I’ve had, perhaps, a different experience with drinking in Oklahoma. And I have a feeling that a lot of you did too. So, without further ado, I give you 10 real signs you learned to drink in Oklahoma.
1. You don’t care what you’re drinking if it’s a game day.
That’s right. When you’re tailgating, you’re not picky. Let’s be honest, though. You aren’t really that picky anyway. The drinks that are generally the most accessible happen to be the worst. Because of this, on most game days you can be found standing near a grill while waiting on some brats, sipping on a tallboy of Natty. That, or someone is pouring shots of Everclear and they’ve convinced you to take one. It’s not like you can say no. It’s game day!
I’ve always thought that wearing a mask had two very disparate connotations. For example, a Mexican luchador with a mask is not only a cunning fighter, but a skilled acrobat. Those masks are awesome. It’s an honor and a privilege to wear those masks, and that’s why I attend the state fair–so I can purchase one along with a Baja pullover and candied pecans. However, there are other masks that just make a person look like a moron. Like, say, a KKK mask. Nothing says inbred, ignorant hillbilly who will lose all his teeth to meth quite like a grown ass man cavorting about town in a sheet.
Apparently, the Northeastern Oklahoma Klavern didn’t get the memo. According to the Pryor Times:
The Traditionalist American Knights of the Ku Klux Klan used recruitment flyers distributed on Father’s Day to urge the boycott of local businesses.
Many Pryor residents woke Sunday morning to find KKK literature had been left in their yard.
I don’t know what’s worse–that pamphlet, or the knowledge that the KKK was so close to your home. Oh, and it looks like they were just in time for the rest of the country to basically get rid of the Confederate flag. This group is nothing if not relevant.
The literature cites racial crime statistics before concluding by saying, “So, this Father’s Day weekend, be a man and take a stand for your God, family, race and country.”
Fifty Bible passages were cited in just one of two flyers included in the baggie.
The second flyer does not carry the name of the KKK, but states that “our community is being invaded” and that “God commands racial separation.”…
Unlike a flyer left by the same group on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, this one called specific businesses and agencies by name…
“Stop going to Maggie’s Mexican Kitchen…she thinks she can talk trash about white people in Spanish, thinking none of us will understand her anti-American, anti-white rhetoric,” it says. “Or, El Humilde Mexican Restaurant, which takes your money while employing illegals and sending our American currency back to their homeland.”
They just realized that employees at Mexican restaurants talk trash about people in Spanish? What else is new and why does it matter? Would you rather them speak English like the waiters at Chili’s. What would you do if someone baby in a highchair spilled chips, beans and fajita juice over the floor you just cleaned. At least they don’t print racist propaganda on their menu.
Look, I’m not ignorant. I know how prevalent the KKK has been in our state history. I know how much they controlled politics for a time. But it pisses me off that these guys are still around. And 50 Bible passages? That kind of seems excessive. It’s 2015, KKK. You gotta write clean, easy-to-read copy for your audience because they are used to BuzzFeed. Things like listicles.
On that note, here are five other organizations that I’d rather have leave flyers on my front porch, and I think the fine folks of Pryor might agree.
The mall is the worst place on the planet. It doesn’t matter which one you happen to be in, but it’s full of crowds of people and unsupervised youths and people who aren’t making enough money to justify caring about what kind of black shoes you need to go with your job interview ensemble. And, if you happen to go to the mall on a weekend, you may as well black out a good four hours in your calendar just to purchase one damn thing because the metro area is a sea of humanity, and you totally shouldn’t leave your house on the weekends because there are too many people. (Yes. I know this is probably the sign of some sort of psychological problem, but the mall really sucks.)
Anyway, some people like the mall. Some people like to spend money on things that will distract them on their lifelong journey to the grave. And then, well, some people just like to get those distractions without spending the money.
According to News9.com:
OKLAHOMA CITY – Oklahoma City police said they need the public’s help identifying a bold robbery suspect.
About 11 a.m. Thursday, police said a black male about 5 feet, 5 inches tall in his 20’s walked into the Penn Square Mall and asked a Zales store clerk to see a few rings.
“She took them out of the case. She actually put them on her finger and held her hand out so that he could take a look at the rings,” Oklahoma City police Sgt. Jennifer Wardlow said.
And then police said he grabbed her wrist and yanked the rings right off her finger and made a run for it. Each of the diamond rings were worth $5,700.
He sold two rings?
You can probably assume he’s going to sell the rings on the black market, but that would be too easy. I think the number one way to catch a criminal is to establish a motive, and this dude clearly has two ladies that he wants to be engaged to. So, what officers of the law need to look for is a man who is trying to simultaneously start two families with some pretty expensive rings. (I mean, are we really spending that much on engagement rings these days? I know it’s supposed to be two-months salary, but the father of the bride is also supposed to give the groom’s family a dowry of goats and tracts of land, so let’s be real here.)
While the story laments that there isn’t good surveillance photos of the perpetrator, they don’t even show us pictures of what he stole. I mean, it’s not like it matters, really. But I think there are a lot of women in the metro who would like to know if they’re about to be engaged to a thief. That’s not a man you can bring home to dad.
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