As that throbbing headache that you can’t quell with Tylenol is undoubtedly reminding you, yesterday was St. Patrick’s Day. So I hope you were able to get some grease on top of that this morning, otherwise work is going to be a doozy.
But drunken shenanigans aren’t the only shenanigans that happen on St. Patrick’s Day. If you’ll remember, this time last year, someone dyed the water at the Myriad Gardens green, and subsequently wound up paying $9,700 for the clean up. And oddly enough, new pranksters weren’t deterred because it seems to have happened again. According to KFOR.com:
OKLAHOMA CITY – The Myriad Gardens were once again the target of a St. Patrick’s Day prank.
Early Tuesday morning, maintenance crews noticed their pond had been dyed neon green.
Officials say this change was not done by officials with the gardens.
Since the same thing happened last year, Myriad Gardens officials decided to be proactive and shut off the water so that it did not spread to other ponds.
When caught, the suspects responsible for the vandalism this year could face charges.
Well, fool me once, as the saying goes. I really hope the person responsible for this gets in trouble. Any person who does that much damage to what is basically a park deserves to be charged with something. It’s not that I’m against pranks. Because I am absolutely 100% for them. You can ask all my loved ones who have gone out to their cars before work only to find that I have programmed all their car radio presets to the same Tejano station. I just hate unoriginal acts that cause a lot of harm and very few laughs.
So, for those copycat criminals out there who decided to re-enact last years nonsensical act of vandalism, I’ve come up with a list of better pranks to unleash upon Oklahoma City.
1. Dress up the Native American on top of the Capitol
At OU, it’s not uncommon to see the Sewer statue in an OU t-shirt. Well, why not put a shirt on the Native American on top of the Capitol? Sure, it’s high up there, but no guts, no glory. And why would we put that bronze statue up there other than to dare the bravest amongst us to climb up there and put a Thunder jersey on him? Seriously, you probably have a Harden jersey just sitting around that needs to be put to good use anyhow.
It’s that time of year, you guys. The sun is out, people are wearing flip-flops, and you have to start mowing your lawn again. That’s right. It’s spring. But more importantly, it’s spring break–that magical time of year when school is out for a whole week, and you sit on your couch binge watching Netflix while the sun shines outside. Man, is there a better time of year?
Because I’ve been described as a sun worshipper (if you happen to run a Mithraic sun cult in the metro, please let me know the times of your gatherings), I live for sunny days and being outside. And the Oklahoma spring time is a thing of beauty, you know, when it isn’t trying to kill you. So, for those of you who are out of school this week, or for those that want to celebrate the return of the sun, I have a list of things that you can do over spring break right here in Oklahoma!
1. Take allergy medicine.
Along with the sun, we also have the return of the Bradford pears and cottonwoods. It’s the worst time of year. Trust me, if I could firebomb all the trees in the state simply to get rid of these assholes that make me spend so much on allergy medicine, I totally would.
Good morning and happy Monday, guys. Guess what this week is? It’s my official 5 year anniversary of writing for The Lost Ogle. That’s right, you guys. I have now been writing pure nonsense for this blog more than twice as long as I’ve ever held an actual job, and I’ve published more words here than I probably will anywhere else. It’s pretty nice to know that after working for 5 years at this organization, that I am the one who gets to trawl through your lame tweets to pick ones to put on the blog on Mondays. It’s a dream, really.
Anyway, you can pretty much consider these tweets to be the very best tweets ever since they’re the tweets for my 5 year anniversary. Check them out after the jump!
So, this current legislative session is nothing new, as far as Oklahoma lawmaking is concerned. You kind of have to wonder what the legislature gets up to when they aren’t proposing bills to allow conversion therapy, prevent tax dollars from being used for same-sex wedding licenses, or banning state-issued marriage licenses. I know a lot more goes on in the legislature, and that bills like these get a lot of attention even though a lot of them don’t get passed into law, but damn. Maybe next time we lament that a good national business doesn’t want to set up shop in Oklahoma, we should take a minute and think about why.
Anyway, while I was getting all down and angry about the legislature, a little bit of hope popped into my news feed. That’s right, you guys! Representative Emily Virgin, the Hermione Granger of of the Hogwarts that is the Oklahoma Legislature, has proposed a pretty awesome amendment to HB 1371, the one that let’s businesses in the marriage industry to also discriminate based on their religion.
According to The Gayly:
When I lived alone, one of my biggest fears was my neighbor. Sure, he was a nice enough middle-aged dude, but he knew my schedule a little too well, hoarded loads of sun-bleached coffee cans on his front porch, and just wanted to talk a little too much. One of his pastimes was cornering me as I tried to bring my trash can out to the curb and telling me to get a fire pit in the backyard so I could invite him over and we could have bonfires. I’m sure he was mostly harmless, but I never got a fire pit because you can’t be too careful.
I used to fear my home getting hit by a tornado and getting trapped under the rubble. I didn’t want to think that if I were to scream for help, he’d be the first one to find me. In fact, as a tornado rolled past Norman High in 2012, I took shelter in a closet and thought that death would be a better alternative than for my neighbor to help me.
I bring all this up because I’d like everyone to know there is no shortage of creepy dudes in Oklahoma. They’re all over the state, apparently. According to KFOR.com:
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