So, I recently watched all the Terminator movies. I have to say that the first 3 were not fantastic. (And can I just say that Eddie Furlong was born to be a dirt bag? That movie cemented that for me.) The fourth one with Christian Bale and Bryce Dallas Howard is pretty good, and the fifth one with all the good-looking Australian actors is the best one. The timeline gets all manner of wibbly wobbly, and also Khaleesi plays Sarah Connor.
But binge watching these movies got me to thinking two things: 1.) I totally do not get time travel at all. My brain just can’t wrap around it. And 2.) Is there a possibility that Skynet would send a Terminator back to kill me? The answer is definitely no since any science beyond botany is not my thing. But surely there are things within Oklahoma that Skynet would send a Terminator to change? Why yes, yes there are.
And with that, I give you my list of 10 reasons why Skynet will send a Terminator to Oklahoma.
To Save Stage Center
Remember in the first Terminator movie when you see the destruction and desolation brought on by the machines in the future? Well, the structures they create are basically the same shape as Stage Center, only made out of a bunch of computer stuff. I have reason to believe that Skynet would send a Terminator back to save Stage Center because it is a prototype for a computer hive mind server thing that Skynet would need to take over.
To prevent E.W. Marland from marrying his daughter
Sure, this seems unlikely. But even Skynet is kind of embarrassed about this Governor and U.S. Congressman being a part of our state history.
Look. I know I’ve offended many of you by discussing the city I called home for 21 years. And sure, maybe I give Edmond a hard time, but I know I’m not the only one.
Well, for the first time in a long time (maybe ever?) I’m here to talk about Edmond, but not in a negative way! So you guys can get excited about that. In fact, I’m here to praise Edmond for it’s revolutionary stance against major corporations. Who knew the McMansion stronghold was also a place where the residents liked to stick it to the man?
What am I talking about here? Well, only the recent news stories about an Edmond neighborhood successfully shutting down a proposed Walmart, and residents going in against Devon Energy for the negligent use of disposal wells. To these fine Edmondites, I raise my fist in the air as an act of solidarity. Comrades, you are most certainly doing the Lord’s work.
But all this got me to thinking. What does this signal for the future of Edmond? Well, my friends, I have for you my X revolutionary predictions for the city of Edmond!
As I’m sure you all know, the lottery jackpot is now at $1.3 billion. I’m sure many of you will spend your lunch breaks out buying lottery tickets, just on the off-chance that perhaps you will get to quit your day job and buy some sweet jet skis. I know I have a hella long list of things I would buy if I ever won the lottery (like name brand canned goods when I go to the grocery store and maybe not choose my beer based on what is on special at the bar that night), but I think we need to discuss all the possible options of how to spend all that money so that if someone does win, they make an informed decision. You don’t want to be one of those assholes that squanders all their lottery dollars and winds up broker than they were before they won.
So, with that, I give you this list of 8 things you should buy if you happen to win the lottery!
The Chesapeake Energy Arena
I know that all arenas are generally named after the companies that own them, but I also think that’s super lame. That’s why if you win the lottery, you should by the Chesapeake Energy Arena and rename it. Like, for instance, you could call it the Thunderdome, since that’s where the Thunder plays. Or, since you would have enough money to avoid any sort of consequences, you could call it The House that Fracking Built.
As you read this, I’m riding roller coasters named after plot points in the Harry Potter books as well as trying not to puke on rides named after Marvel characters. That’s right, guys. I’m at Universal Studios. This is my first time at a proper theme park, because I totally don’t count the Six Flags in Arlington, Texas. The reason I don’t count that particular park is because I have been three times in my life, and each time I was there, it rained. Basically the only thing that was open the whole time was that Yosemite Sam’s Gold River Adventure. It sucked.
But this got me to thinking. It’s probably time we got a real amusement park here in Oklahoma. Sure, we have Frontier City, but until they open the Nightmare Mining Co. again, they are officially dead to me. That’s why I’ve decided we should turn the National Weather Service into an amusement park.
Now, here me out, people who think this is a terrible idea. What does an Oklahoman love more than anything, aside from talking shit about the college football team that they don’t root for? That’s right. Weather. We treat our meteorologists like larger than life comic book characters, and some of them even act that way. Weather coverage is already a well-known drinking game, and there isn’t a single weather term that doesn’t lend itself to a vomit-inducing theme park ride.
So with that, I give you my list of potential attractions for the National Weather Service theme park, henceforth referred to as Weather World.
The Maxi Wedge Grinder
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