A few weeks back, we asked for the Ogle Mole Network’s help in rigging the Oklahoma Gazette’s “Best of OKC.” It was pretty simple. We listed dumb/humorous/obnoxious responses to some “Best Of” categories, and in turn, you all were supposed to write down or type our choices on your nomination ballot. Simple, huh?
The cornerstone of our plan was to get Sparkle Titsworth nominated as community leader. Because let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want Sparkle Titsworth to be their community leader?
Here’s what we wrote:
The Oklahoma Gazette is currently seeking nominations for their annual advertorial “The Best of OKC.” In the past, we’ve encouraged our readers to nominate TLO for categories like “Best Local Blog” or “People I Really Want To Sleep With.”
This year, we’re not diving down to those lowly depths of pathetic pandering. Instead, we would like to encourage you to nominate Sparkle Titsworth as our town’s “Best Community Leader.” Why are we asking you to do this? Because why the hell not.
In case you forget, Sparkle Titsworth is the Oklahoma City woman with an awesome name who won $1,000 in gas from 7-11 a few years ago. A camera phone photo of a poster that included her name went viral, and we’ve loved her ever since. Here’s a pic of Sparkle claiming her prize.
You suck, Ogle Moles. Sparkle didn’t make the cut. And guess what? None of our other suggestions did either. Well, except for one. My little brother, Addison, was nominated for “Best Bartender.” Considering he works at a chain restaurant, and recently admitted to me that he’s not even the best bartender at his store, I guess that’s cool.
What’s not cool, though, is that you all went against our wishes and nominated us for a couple of awards. Once again, we’re finalists for “Best Local Blog / Website” and “Best Person to Follow on Social Media.” And yes, we don’t have a chance to win either of them.
Here’s who we’re up against in the blog category:
July has been a bad month for animals in Oklahoma.
We’ve had a Korn fan beat and kill his dog in public, some asshole drown a couple of ducks in muriatic acid, and who knows what did or did not happen to that lady’s poor cat. We also had a woman in Enid (pictured above) try to exorcise demons from a dog.
From the Enid News and Eagle:
Maybe Kelly Ogle was onto something and the rapture is upon us.
Via an internal News 9 email, we have learned that Gary England’s final broadcast will be on Friday, August 30th. At that point, Lord England will accept a new role as “Vice President for Corporate Relations and Weather Development” for Griffin Communications. He will be replaced by David “Scream Chamber” Payne.
Here’s the email that Griffin Communications CEO David Griffin just sent to company staff:
In case you missed it, News 9 evening anchor Amanda Taylor saved a toddler from drowning this past weekend. It was all part of an investigative report at North Park Mall called “Grandmas who let their grandkids run rampant in public.”
Because News 9 would never hype a story like that and milk it for all it’s worth, here’s the astonishing video:
Last night, News 9 ran a special report investigating whether or not we are living in Revelation. The report was brought to us by Kelly Ogle, because as this promo shows, he’s a real journalist who’s not afraid to ask the tough pandering questions for religious Oklahomans.
From News 9:
The Book of Revelation has been known for centuries as a prophecy of Jesus’ return to earth. A time of tribulation and ultimately the end of the world. Could earthquakes, tsunamis and political tension today be evidence of the predictions listed in the final book of the Bible?
I don’t know about you, but I’m already convinced. Earthquakes, tsunamis and political tension are all relatively new things and are obviously controlled by supernatural beings, so something must be up. News 9 went to a random pastor from Edmond to find out what in the Hell is going on:
Edmond’s Faith Bible Church Pastor Doctor Mark Hitchcock has written 25 books on Biblical prophecy. While he says we don’t know the day of God’s return, Hitchcock believes right now the stage is being set for the end times.
Hold on. The guy’s published 25 books (probably with Tate Publishing) on the Biblical prophecy but doesn’t know when the rapture is going to happen? That would be like writing 25 books about sex and not being able to find a G-spot.
I wonder what makes him think the stage is being set for end times. Global warming? Asteroids?? Oklahoma State being the preseason favorites in the Big 12???
No. He’s concerned about these three things:
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