Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Author Archive for Sam

Don’t forget to vote, primary voters!

Today is election day for over a million Oklahomans. Ironically, those of us who are superior to political parties are left out of the mess. Closed primaries take place today throughout the state.

A handful of elections around the metro area will end up deciding state house and senate seats. For those of you in Senate District 45, House District 91 and House District 54, the whole she-bang is up for grabs today. With only Republicans running — and no real difference among them but a minor variance in lack-of-leadership — in each of these districts, the metro area will post their first three elected embarrassments by seven. Good luck voting, and enjoy your cute little “I voted” sticker.

from okiepolitics

Moderate Expectations

In my weekly dose of Traber (part of the penance for my sins is twenty minutes of the non-cardboard Jim variety), I realized that some Oklahoma State people are psychotic. That said, I heard two people in five minutes suggest that the Pokes are going to win a national championship.

Um… no.

This drastic difference between reality and expectations led me to do some self-reflection. (Pretty remarkable for the Sports Animal.) Where are my expectations for things around the metro, and where should they be?

Oklahoma City Blazers, Yarddawgz, Redhawks
My expectation: League championship at least once a year
Reality: Our trio of minor league sports, we have two championships — in my lifetime — both by the Blazers. Lest we forget, that we have some of the nicest minor pro facilities in the nation, are one of the largest markets, and are consistantly near the top in attendance figures for the CHL, PCL and af2. Instead of our rightful place at the top of the league, we’re thankful when we score a home win against Tulsa.

Oklahoma legislature
My expectation: A group of people with no sense of reality whatsoever.
Reality: A group of self-obsessed @$$holes with no sense of reality whatsoever. At least I’m close.

University of Oklahoma Football
My expectation: Frequent BCS appearances with an occasional win.
Reality: A snippy Bob Stoops press conference after losses in New Orleans, Miami, Tempe and Tempe. At least God’s children will only face a road game against Florida…. Now if only Tebow will get hurt.

Drive to Oklahoma City from Edmond
My expectation: A 30-45 minute drive.
Reality: Calculating how hard it would be to ramp my car over the fuel-efficient matchbox car onto the concrete median like I do on Grand Theft Auto IV. Three hours later, I was all the way to 122nd Street.

National Media
My expectation: Relatively unbiased journalism.
Reality: Puppy Love with B.H.Obama.

Where else am I off?

Spilled Starbucks

With LawsuitFest 2008 pitting Howard Schultz against Clay Bennett’s legal dream team, it appears that our friends in Seattle are crying over spilled starbucks. Everyone seems to realize that OKC is better for the NBA except for a delusional Yahoo! writer and some sporadic chatter at the Dark Tower’s website.

As a City, we’ve endured this garbage before when we temporarily borrowed the Hornets from the underwater Orleans. They needed a place to stay, and we had a place for the then-horrible Hornets to play. This poor little market produced better attendance than Boston, Houston, and that zit on Puget Sound, Seattle the last year the Hornets played downtown.

At the time I said repeatedly — and got flamed, repeatedly — that the right thing to do would be let the Hornets fly home. I had faith that the NBA’s financial department would have a brain, see our home attendance, and provide us an opportunity for a team. I was right then and I am right now.

Clay Bennett played a role that few would want to play. The people of Seattle ostracized the owner of their team based on his residence in Oklahoma. He spent $350,000,000.00 on that franchise — more money than the entire GDP of an independent country. If Bennett gets the green light from the NBA to move that team to just inside the gates of hell, it is his right to do so.

The fact is, we’re profitable and Seattle is not. Had the City of Seattle, the State of Washington or the people of Seattle lifted a finger other than to complain the same “woe-is-me” song they sing about their Warshington Huskies since their fluke against OU in 1985, I would feel sorry for them. Dressing up like a bunch of hippies and crying at a town square is not going to make a market profitable. New arena? Yes. Schultz’ business sense, no.

The longer this cavetching continues, the more inclined I am to push renaming the Ford Center the “Sonic” Center, rip on former Seahawk Steve Largent’s dismal career, and boycotting Starbucks. Anyone else in?

The wheels on the bus go…

With gas prices quickly approaching $7.23 an ounce, a friend and I were talking about the ways we could save money on gas. During the discussion, he mentioned the following word:


Oklahoma City’s MetroTransit covers several cities in central Oklahoma. I use the term cover rather loosely. If I were to travel from my current humble abode to Harvard on May I would have to walk a mile, ride a bus for 15 minutes, connect to another bus and ride for 58 minutes, enjoy a two minute potty break, transfer again and ride another 30 minutes… and only cost $4.75.

They also operate the trolleys. As the cutest addition to the original MAPs projects, these bad boys were intended to take visitors around Oklahoma City easily. When frequenting downtown and bricktown, I’ve found Waldo more times than the Oklahoma Spirit trolleys. Apparently, our friends from the Dark Tower have a problem too.

So it looks like my friend’s “MetroTransit” option didn’t fly, but wouldn’t it be nice if it did? Having visited other cities, I would love to have a reliable transit system in the Big Town. Apparently, I’m not alone. Will MAPs for Mick’s legacy include Mass Transit? Only time will tell. Considering that Mayor Mick’s legacy has him as the only mayor to effectively steal two NBA franchises… I’m not holding my breath.

If only Clay Bennett would buy Seattle’s transit system and bring it here, too?

Which Breed is a Yard Dawg?

Just like you, I spent Saturday night mourning Oklahoma City’s ninth loss on the season to the evil Bossier City Battle Wings. I also played some good old Risk. Because I’m cool.

This brings the Dawgz from the Yard to the mighty record of 3-9, a humble four games out of playoffs. While it is no longer possible to win the division, the Yard Dawgz can make a run for a playoff spot for the fifth consecutive season. If possible, Oklahoma City would likely play the bird feet or the electrical current on the road in the first round. Here’s to hope, right?

Many of us are still trying to figure out how any type of dog is having problems beating up on teams named the Copperheads from “Texas”, Dusters from Amarillo, and the Fever from Washington State.

This dilemma left me to ask one question: Which Breed is a Yard Dawg?

Since they canned the original Dawg, and the four mascots have met the law of diminishing returns, Oklahoma City needs a definative puppy to light a fire under this Dawgz squad.

The simple answer is a bulldog. But that reminds us of the punky little rich kids from Edmond Memorial that nobody south of Memorial really likes. Plus, they even had one until the great 19-Yard Line Incident of 2005 where a pooch went potty by the away team’s bench. Since then, they’ve taken the bull out of the arena league.

No one ever chooses a bloodhound to be their mascot. Imagine how crazy our Hound could get if our defense smelled blood… or a sack… or a tackle for a loss… or not getting burned deep for a touchdown.

Maybe a maltese – one of those little grandma-owner-white-fuzzball things. You know, something like Brent Skarky would own. Not intimidating? Neither is our offense.

We could always fall back on an American staple dog, like a lab or a golden retriever. Then again, that leaves us with loyalty, something the fanbase lacks.

At least the Yarddawgz’ true identity is not as confusing as the evolution of David Boren’s horsepigs.