Pantyhose… Mercedes… $20…
No, that’s not that beginning to our newest installment of Tuttle Tales – Aaron Goes to the Mechanic. Those are three things that helped me achieve my first 15-minutes of fame, and understand what it’s like for the media to deservedly portray you as an absolute idiot.
Recently, I uncovered an old VHS copy of an interview I did with News 9’s Gan Matthews in 1999. It may be one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. Since I almost have no shame, I thought I’d share it with you all today. But first, here’s backstory…
Back when I was 21-years-old, wore awful jeans and didn’t look anything like I do today, I waited tables at the Applebee’s on NW Expressway. Now before you give me the nickname “Riblet” and swear to never read this site again, let me try to justify waiting tables at Applebee’s.
1. This was 1999. In those olden, dial-up times, OKC didn’t have all these cool fancy local restaurants, shops, bars and hipster food foragers. The only time you’d drive to Midtown, the Plaza or even Downtown was to get shot or buy crack. We were a city of restaurant chains. The most popular local eateries at the time were Ted’s, Zio’s and Sonic. In a strange way, I guess Oklahoma City hasn’t changed all that much.
2. Pioneer Pies wasn’t hiring.
3. This was the first Applebee’s to open in Oklahoma City. In all fairness, I had no clue I was working at the Walmart of casual restaurant chains and that I’d have to call my co-workers “Apple Buddies.” In fact, the only reason I applied is because my friend, Wes, scored a job there a few weeks earlier and they had a hot 18-year-old hostess with big boobs named Katie.
4. It was a college job. I had just finished up my Hall of Fame career at OCCC, and was entering my first semester at UCO. My major was, get this, English Education. For the sake of my checking account and all high school students around this state, thank God I eventually dropped the “education” part. It was too difficult. UCO was all about this stupid “teaching portfolio” thing that requires you to be organized, motivated and take the teaching profession seriously. They were all about preparing teachers to make more money in other states.
5. I looked and acted like this:
When I started this blog in 2007, I had two goals:
1. Ride a unicorn with Gary England
2. Release a TLO-branded beer
Well, I’m proud to say those goals have finally been accomplished!
Yes, that graphic is totally real. We’ve partnered with our friends at Anthem Brewing to bring you Ogletoberfest – a Vienna-style, Oktoberfest lager packing a perfect blend of malty sweetness and biting snark. The beer will be available on tap as early as next week, and in cans in late September.
I tried the beer in a cheap plastic cup about a month ago before it went into production, and I have to say it’s pretty damn good. If you like Oktoberfests, ambers, brown ales, etc, it’s right up your alley. Here’s a pic I took with my phone:
Earlier this week, the PR wing of The Oklahoman, otherwise known as the paper’s Business section, published a glowing advertorial in support of the local energy industry.
The piece, which was written by former (and apparently current) PR flack Adam Wilmoth, highlights and promotes the millions of dollars the kind and generous Oklahoma energy industry has spent trying to stop and prevent the spread of the earthquakes they are causing.
Oil companies in Oklahoma spending millions of dollars to reduce risk of earthquake activity
As part of the effort to understand and reduce the growing earthquake activity throughout much of the state, disposal well operators since March have spent more than $35 million to adjust their wells’ depths with the aim of reducing the risk of contributing to earthquake activity.
The actions came after the Oklahoma Corporation Commission three times this year issued new directives, telling operators in certain “areas of interest” to either adjust their disposal well depths or reduce volumes.
“The industry has done a really good job of cooperating and coordinating with the Corporation Commission,” Commissioner Dana Murphy said this month at the Tri-State Oil and Gas Convention in Woodward. “You’re talking about $150,000 to $250,000 or more for these companies not just to shut down their wells, but to plug them back.”
That’s neat. Aren’t these energy companies swell?! Thanks for being so nice and cooperating with the commission Oklahoma taxpayers created to regulate the industry. Considering energy companies already control state government and can basically do whatever, we really do owe you one. Maybe we can lower the already extremely low tax you all pay to plunder and profit off our state’s resources? We’ll do anything to help you out.
Seriously, isn’t that absurd? They’re seeking sympathy for the $35-million they’ve spent to stop earthquakes that are damaging Oklahomans’ homes, businesses, property and general state of mind. Are we supposed to feel sorry for them? Considering how much revenue these companies produce, $35-million seems like a small price to pay.
The article continues:
While the companies may not be eager to spend millions on unexpected work, they understand the changes are necessary, said Kim Hatfield, chairman of the regulatory committee at the Oklahoma Independent Petroleum Association.
“When your dentist tells you you need a root canal, you may not be happy about it, but you know it’s something you need to do,” Hatfield said. “If we’re cooperating, things get accomplished much more quickly than they might otherwise. We’re looking to accomplish the regulatory goals with as little friction and unnecessary cost as possible.”
Ah, good old Kim Hatfield. He’s the go to source for hypocritical energy industry comments designed to create a false debate regarding the cause of Oklahoma’s earthquakes. I’m not too familiar Kim, but I do know:
A) He lives in a big fancy brick house in Heritage Hills that will be turned to rubble if a strong earthquake ever strikes central Oklahoma.
B) He has a long, storied history of questioning science and distancing the industry from the earthquakes they create. For example, this is what he told KFOR in February of this year when the USGS released a study linking earthquakes to wastewater injection wells:
The pic above is of some Luther high school students posing with a train they built in shop class. Yeah, that’s right. They built a fucking train! All of a sudden that ashtray you made for your mom in arts and craft feels a little less significant.
Apparently the teacher of the class, Mark Dunn, contacted each local news channel to do one of those cheesy profiles on his students and promote a Go Fund Me they set up to buy more equipment to probably build an airplane or boat or something, but since our local TV prefers that stories about high school students involve fear, death, illness or choreographed dances with dead cats, they never returned his phone calls.
Frustrated, the teacher then messaged that Mike Rowe guy who has like 2,000,000+ followers on Facebook. Well, now you can say a whole lot more people know about the train:
Earlier today, I was scrolling through Twitter and noticed that Rush Springs Watermelon Queen Joleen Chaney has a new profile image.
Check it out:
Wow. That’s nice! She kind of pulled a Mean Dueweke and managed to get all dressed up and look like a totally different person. That being said, she’s still hotter than a bottle of Fireball. Sir John Michael wouldn’t be kicking that JoJo out of his school bus! He’s going to have to step up his game and trim his pony tail and buy a new bear pelt if it wants to have a chance.
I guess JoJo got all dressed up for something called the Tour de Palate. It’s a fundraiser for the Go Mitch Go Foundation. It’s the medical research charity that inspired Emily Sutton to become a triathlete and pee on people.
Here’s a pic of Joleen and Emily dancing on a stage or whatever:
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