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Translating those SAE apologies…

parker rice1

Alright, I have to be honest. The response from my last article is cool and all, but it’s also a gift and a curse. I’ve slept maybe a total of six hours since Monday because every time I lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to keep, I’m stuck staring at the ceiling thinking “How do I follow that up?” and “Will they notice I don’t understand colons or semi-colons?”

Both questions I can’t really answer; but hey I was just wondering:

WHY WON’T THESE PEOPLE JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP?!

(All caps brought to you by the good folks over at Left Pinky LLC).

Answer: Nobody knows, but as long as Parker Rice keeps talking, the jokes keep flowing. I mean, honestly, when you think about it in a completely objective manner: the kid is fucking hilarious.

I mean, here I am at in the break room at work. It’s 7:53am CST, so I’m going through my normal pregame routine. I’m running lay-up lines on the water fountain, while the Keurig mixes up 10oz cup of the finest medium dark roast coffee on this side of the Mississippi. As I pour the second of two French vanilla creamers into my Styrofoam cup, I open Twitter; ya know, just to see what the birds’ are chirpin’ about today.

And boy oh boy, were the Crows out.

(See what I did there? Of course you did, you know how jokes work.)

BRUH. When I saw the words “SAE” and “apologies,” I just lifted my head and looked at God because I knew I had found my next article. I was so damn excited I didn’t even open the link. NAH. This one had to wait until 5pm. This was going to need my complete and undivided attention. Honestly, the only way to describe how I felt is… hmm… It was like when Bruce Wayne sees the bat sig… wait, no, it was way better than that. It was like when Russell Westbrook decides he’s about to go the entire 94 feet and dunk on all 9 players on the court. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure I said aloud: “Oh yeah, I’m about to throw this shit off the glass.”

Below you’ll find the apologies from Parker Rice and Levi Pettit and my translations of them. I don’t know man, I just felt bad for the guys. They’re having to be all politically correct when I knew they really just wanted to keep it a hunna. No worries, my dudes. I gotch’all.

Gary England is taking his divine talents to OU…

sunday ogle gary england

There’s finally some good news to report from the OU campus.

President David Boren announced earlier this week that he’s named severe weather savior Gary England as the university’s new Consulting Meteorologist-in-Residence. I have no clue what that means, but let’s hope one of his first job duties is to destroy the SAE house with lightning, hail and isolated mini-grinders.

Via OU:

Currently collaborating with the University of Oklahoma on an upcoming educational opportunity, Oklahoma’s own Gary England has been named OU’s Consulting Meteorologist-in-Residence. The appointment was announced by OU President David L. Boren at the March meeting of the OU Board of Regents. England’s appointment is effective February 1.

That’s just the coolest thing ever. Gary is kind of like the pizza, cocaine and cowbell of weather deities; you always want more.

So, what does a “Consulting Meteorologist-in-Residence” actually do?

Emily Virgin to the rescue!

Emily Virgin

So, this current legislative session is nothing new, as far as Oklahoma lawmaking is concerned. You kind of have to wonder what the legislature gets up to when they aren’t proposing bills to allow conversion therapy, prevent tax dollars from being used for same-sex wedding licenses, or banning state-issued marriage licenses. I know a lot more goes on in the legislature, and that bills like these get a lot of attention even though a lot of them don’t get passed into law, but damn. Maybe next time we lament that a good national business doesn’t want to set up shop in Oklahoma, we should take a minute and think about why.

Anyway, while I was getting all down and angry about the legislature, a little bit of hope popped into my news feed. That’s right, you guys! Representative Emily Virgin, the Hermione Granger of of the Hogwarts that is the Oklahoma Legislature, has proposed a pretty awesome amendment to HB 1371, the one that let’s businesses in the marriage industry to also discriminate based on their religion.

According to The Gayly:

Friendly reminder, stupid frat boys are not the only bigots giving Oklahoma a bad name…

joseph silk

Last week, circumcised penis impersonator Joseph Silk, a State Senator from Broken Bow, sat down with the New York Times to talk about Senate Bill 440. The proposed legislation would give Oklahoma business owners the freedom to discriminate against gays and homosexuals; freedoms that, oddly enough, Oklahoma business owners already have since the LGBT community isn’t protected under the Civil Rights Act.

A fan of irony, Silk named his bill the “Oklahoma Religious Freedom Restoration Act,” because nothing represents freedom more than giving businesses the power to discriminate against individuals.

Via Salon:

State Sen. Joseph Silk made that statement in an interview with the New York Times, which examines the broader push for so-called religious freedom laws in a story published online Thursday. Silk told the Times that he while he knows real, breathing homosexuals and even considers some his friends, he nevertheless sees gay people as the top threat to religious liberty. “The L.G.B.T. movement is the main thing, the primary thing that’s going to be challenging religious liberties and the freedom to live out religious convictions,” Silk said. “And I say that sensitively, because I have homosexual friends.”

Yeah, I’m sure this guy has a ton of homosexual friends. I bet there’s nothing gays and lesbians in Broken Bow love more than to run into their old buddy Joseph, the homophobic legislator that sees gay people as “the top threat to religious liberty.” I’m sure they’re really his friend and not just being nice to his penis face.

After The Times story dropped, Silk’s statements hit the national political blog circuit and solicited the typical “Check out what the fuck is happening in Oklahoma!” response. This prompted Silk to clarify his remarks on his website.

After careful consideration and prayer, I have decided to withdraw SB440 from consideration on the Senate floor. Upon speaking with religious leaders and my friends in LGBT community, I have learned the “Oklahoma Religious Freedom Restoration Act” is misguided legislation. It encourages discrimination and intolerance, and has the ability to actually harm those it…

Hehe. Just kidding. I made that up. Do you really think a GOP member of the Oklahoma Legislature would display a human trait called “compassion?” He actually doubled down on the gay hate like he was playing black jack at Gary’s Chicaros.

Here is Silk’s real statement:

The SAE House Mom likes to rap the N-word…

SAE house mom

During Monday night’s 10pm news broadcast, KWTV News 9 set down with OU legend Barry Switzer to discuss the SAE racism video. Barry brought along his good friend – SAE house mom Beauton Gilbow. She was shocked by the behavior displayed in the SAE bus video.

Via News 9:

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean, I’m in shock,” Beauton Gilbow, the SAE House Mother said.

“Did you ever get any indication there was anything like this going on?” News 9’s Kelly Ogle asked.

“No, no, no. Never heard the song,” Gilbow responded.

“What about … what are you saying to the members who come through?” Ogle asked.

“Just goodbye,” Gilbow said…

Well, she couldn’t have been in too much shock.

Last night, we were tipped off to a Vine from 2013 showing an obviously intoxicated Ms. Gilbow repeatedly using the N-word while trying to rap to what we (and Shazam) think is the Trinidad James song “All Gold Everything.

Here’s the video: