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Hot Girl Friday: Vanity Perkins

Vanity Perkins

In case you missed it, yours and my Oklahoma City Thunder traded Reggie Jackson and Kendrick Perkins yesterday. I don’t really know the finer points of sports things. And I imagine you’ve already heard about all the implications of the trade from more informed sources. However, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that no one cares about Vanity Perkins leaving Oklahoma City as much as I do.

Vanity is the first lady of the Thunder. But now, she must step down and follow her husband to a strange and new world that has weirder alcohol laws than we do. Let’s all pause for a moment and imagine the Divine Miz P outside a Mormon Temple.

If you followed her on Instagram, you know that she had the face of an 18-year-old with the fashion budget of Harold Hamm’s ex. She seemed to have a new outfit (and a bathroom selfie to document it) for every Thunder game.

It’s hard to say what I’ll miss most about her. The Thunder’s off the court image seems to be so strictly controlled, to the point where the players don’t seem like actual people. But Vanity didn’t let that get her down. She always had something to say, regardless of how the Thunder Ministry of Propaganda felt about it. There was the time she called out the city of Edmond, the time she interviewed Mary Fallin about fashion, the time she got into a fight with Jim Traber, and the time she got in a fight at a nail salon.

Yes, it’s safe to say we’re going to miss Vanity Perkins around these parts. Here are some pics. She’s our Hot Girl Friday…

Congressman Markwayne Mullin needs to get stoned…

markwayne mullin

I’ve never been snow skiing. And I’ve only attempted to water ski once. It didn’t end well.

Knowing all that, if you asked me which one is a better experience or what they are like, I probably wouldn’t be able to offer any valuable insight. I’d probably say something like “I don’t know. I’ve never been snow skiing, and water skiing was one of the least enjoyable moments of my life, so I’m probably the wrong person to ask.” The last thing I would do is pull an answer from my ass and comment on two things I know nothing about.

Oklahoma Congressman Markwayne Mullin, who I really want to call Waynepayne Mullin, would laugh at such honesty.

Last night, he was at a town hall thing in Nowata and some constituent asked him about marijuana. Specifically, the constituent wanted to know why cigarettes (480,000 deaths each year) and alcohol (88,000 deaths each year) are legal, but marijuana (any deaths each year?) is illegal.

Being a loyal GOP foot soldier who claims he’s never used pot, he used the question to spread misinformation about the green leafy substance.

Via The Tulsa World:

Do not take pics inside First National Center. You may get sued.

firstnationalcenter

Although the fully erect Devon Tower now dominates the skyline, the coolest building in downtown OKC is the First National Center. Constructed in 1935 by famed developer Seymour Slackmeyer, the building honors Oklahoma City’s first 50 years and pays tribute to the gaudy art deco style that dominated American architecture before World War II.

Unfortunately, the building has dealt with its fair share of problems over the past few decades. In the 1990s, local philanthropist and heiress Francine Overholser Kilpatrick-Kirkpatrick donated the building to Feed the Children, who used the building’s parking garage as a vault to hold excess Golden Hominy and the vintage porn collection that Larry Jones was using for “research” purposes.

In the late 1990s, Feed the Children sold First National to New York investors, which pushed the property into a pattern of being owned by greedy out-of-state owners who really don’t give a rat’s ass about Oklahoma City. They all promised renovations and restorations, but usually ended up filing bankruptcy or living in prison. That’s led to the building’s sad, current state as a useless, neglected landmark that’s fallen into disrepair.

Well, except for that Great Banking Hall. The majestic room is located on the second floor of the building and is throwback to those grand marble and granite bank lobbies of the 30’s and 40’s that you’d see henchmen robbing in an old movie. With a bank no longer anchoring the building, the Hall now hosts weddings, proms, bar mitzvahs, corporate events, reunions, swinger parties, Jedi OKC “Dark Side” socials, etc. Here’s a pic from Doug Loudenbeck’s site:

1stnationalgrandhall

Because of the beauty of that Great Banking Hall, Oklahoma City resident Carissa Stevens stopped by the First National Building a few weeks ago to snap some photos for her obscure local style blog “Scout Studios.” It seemed like a sweet, innocent idea – she was at an event downtown, the building was unlocked, she had a new Louboutin bag – why not trespass in and take some photos with the building’s marble walls and art deco as a backdrop? That would be something fun for her mom, dad, BFF and eight other monthly blog visitors to see, right? What could go wrong with that?

Well, a lot…

Apparently, Carissa forgot that the people who own and manage the building are a mean assholes. A few days after Carissa published the photos, she received the following mean Facebook message from Jamie McCammon, the First National Center building manager…

first national center oklahoma

Yes, they want to protect the “integrity and historic significance of the space.” Uhm, then why not let a blogger write a nice post about the damn thing and post a few pictures honoring that history? Or better yet, just sell the building for a reasonable price to a local developer who will rescue it, restore it and make it usable. You know, the exact thing current ownership and management won’t do.

I spoke with Carissa after she received the notification. She claims that she didn’t see or spot any trespassing signs. According to her, she and a companion took a few pics and explored the great hall for an hour before a security guard asked them to leave because he was locking up. It’s not like they were wearing spy gear and dodging hidden lasers like Catherine Zeta-Jones. They were not intentionally committing a crime. They assumed the building was open.

Carissa told me that she tried to explain this to the First National people, and they kindly responded with an official cease and desist from their attorney T. Matthew Smith, an associate with the Hiersche Law Firm. He’s such an important and powerful attorney that he’s not even pictured on their website. I guess his specialty is writing mean, assholey, threatening letters.

Here’s a snippet from his letter (view it in it’s entirety here):

Remove the photos from all social networks, including but not limited to Facebook and Instagram. These photographs will be preserved as evidence of your unlawful trespassing. If you continue to use these photographs… your actions will be evidence of willful trespassing.

In the event you do not comply with this demand, FNC will pursue all available legal remedies, including seeking monetary damages, injunctive relief, and the order that you pay court costs an attorney’s fees. Your liability and exposure under such legal action could be considerable.

Jesus Christ, no wonder this building is falling apart and all attempts at a restoration have failed. The owners and management are total fuck ups. Instead of spending time trying to fix the building, they’re getting their kicks going after a blogger. I’ll bet a conversation went like this…

“Hey, this blogger took a couple of pics inside our building for her style blog. Cool, huh? What should we do? Like them on Facebook and send her a thank you note?”

“No, I have a better idea. Let’s pretend she snuck into the Louvre and took pics of the Mona Lisa! Get our attorney to write her a letter that threatens to ruin her life and hit her with insane financial burdens. That will show her!

“Great idea!”

Frightened by this high level of legal harassment, Carissa agreed to remove the pics from her blog, Facebook page and all other social media channels. However…

Thanks to the always pesky Google cache, I’ve been able to locate the controversial photos. Since I like to stand up for fellow bloggers, think legal bullies and greedy out-of-state property owners are assholes, and hope to have the First National Center sue me and then turn around and become an advertiser, I’ve decided to publish the pics here. The only catch is I had to make a few digital alterations to the photos. This was in an attempt to honor the building’s “historical integrity” and American fair use laws. Check them out…

Tuttle is apparently the sexiest city in America…

braums girl

It may be time for our friends at Patricia’s or Hustler Hollywood to open a Tuttle location.

Last week, some company called PinkCherry Sex Toys released a list of “the 50 sexiest cities in America.” They determined the rankings by analyzing how much city residents spend on sex toys, adult novelties and lingerie per person. Basically, the stuff you’d find at the bottom of Clark Matthews’s closet.

(Hey, a Clark Matthews reference!)

After analyzing all the numbers, the top city on PinkCherry’s list was Tuttle, Oklahoma.

Yes, that’s right. Tuttle is the sexiest city in America. To celebrate the occasion, Tuttle-based Braum’s will be offering a limited-edition Pink Cherry ice cream flavor in all metro stores.

Via a news release by PinkCherry Sex Toys

Yukon PD is selling the spoils of their crime busts

yukon pd evidence surplus auction

I used to think that the only way I would get all the material things that I wanted was by stealing them. Sure, this isn’t the best way to get what you want, but I’ve got expensive taste and employers don’t seem to think that my multiple creative writing degrees make me a candidate worth the sort of dollars that enable a person to eat food items that aren’t on the dollar menu. So, stealing may be the way to go.

The issue is, though, that I don’t really know how to do that. Plus, if you scroll through the past 5 years worth of archives, you’ll totally see about a billion times where I’ve confessed to doing illegal things. So, it’s highly likely that I would steal something nice, and then get caught when I talked about it here. I’m no criminal mastermind, and I’m fine with that. Especially since now the Yukon PD has taken all the guesswork out of getting stolen goods. According to News9.com: