As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, marriage equality is on its way to Oklahoma. On Tuesday, a federal judge ruled that our state’s 2004 amendment banning gay marriage is unconstitutional. Because our state’s leaders enjoy wasting taxpayers dollars on things like this, the ruling is being appealed.
A federal judge in Tulsa struck down Oklahoma’s ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional on Tuesday but prevented his ruling from going into effect while the issue makes its way through appeals.
Senior U.S. District Judge Terrence C. Kern, ruling more than nine years after Oklahoma voters overwhelmingly approved a statewide question to prohibit same-sex marriage, said the ban discriminated against same-sex couples for no rational reason.
Yes, a judge named Kern is the person who struck down Oklahoma’s ban on gay marriage. As I mentioned on Tuesday, you win, cosmic forces of irony that control the universe. First you name the most powerful family in the state “Gaylord,” and now this. Maybe tomorrow we’ll find out that Emily Sutton’s middle name is England.
Kern released his ruling in a 68-page badass decision that made a lot of sense. Here are some highlights:
After dissecting the arguments supporters voiced to justify the ban, Kern said that “moral disapproval of homosexuals as a class, or same-sex marriage as a practice, is not a permissible justification.”
Moreover, he said, protecting the sanctity of marriage wasn’t a valid reason for the ban, given Oklahoma’s high divorce rate of opposite-sex couples, and encouraging procreation wasn’t logical either since opposite-sex couples aren’t required to say they’ll produce offspring in order to get a marriage license.
“Equal protection is at the very heart of our legal system and central to our consent to be governed,” Kern said in his 68-page decision.
“It is not a scarce commodity to be meted out begrudgingly or in short portions. Therefore, the majority view in Oklahoma must give way to individual constitutional rights.”
Of course, Tuesday’s ruling sent the bible thumping, homophobic arm of the Derplahoman army into full disarray. Derplahomans, in case you forgot, are those ignorant, usually uneducated, simple folk who think Obama is a Muslim communist dictator, want prayer (and guns) allowed in public schools, and believe gay people are the biggest threat to the country. They live around you, work around you, and vote for all the bat-shit crazies that run this state.
Anyway, these Derplahoman’s couldn’t believe that a judge would have the nerve to overrule the homophobic desires of the people. Of course, they turned to the Facebook pages of local TV stations to voice their frustrations. Because it’s what we do, I decided to go through the KFOR Facebook page and find some of the craziest, most bizarre statements. Once again, all these comments are totally real.
First you have the guy who thinks Judge Kern and all other “fags” should be put on an island and blown to little tiny gay bits:
Of course, blowing them up would be kind of pointless. Especially when you consider that gay people are going to burn:
Last night, News 9 did a report on some place called Candy Nightclub OKC. I guess it’s the new popular club to visit in Bricktown, which means it will probably close within the next year.
Recently, the OKCPD cited the venue for overcrowding.
Via News 9:
Overcrowded nightclubs in Bricktown have the attention of the Oklahoma City Police Department.
A newly released police report reveals several Bricktown nightclubs are having issues with overcrowding. Officers cited a manager at Candy Nightclub early Sunday morning for failure to prevent overcrowding.
First of all, how’s this really news? Along with death and taxes, one of life’s few certainties is greedy club owners ignoring set capacity limits, and ironically enough, not paying taxes. Maybe News 9′s next report will expose the practice of filling empty bottles of Grey Goose with McCormick.
So, how many people were at this Bricktown nightclub that for some reason spells its name properly:
Have you ever been to Jamba Juice and thought, “I must really hate my body because I’m putting all these harsh chemicals in it.” Well NO MORE! OKC is getting its first organic juice bar. That’s right, drinking juice just became more pretentious. No wonder we are such a fat state, the juices we’ve been pouring down our face hole has come from non-organic fruits and vegetables.
The baby-faced Chris Hansen impersonator pictured above is State Rep Aaron Stiles. He’s one of the more colorful / bat-shit crazy members of the Derplahoman caucus of the Oklahoma State House.
Recently, Stiles went to Facebook to complain about the Baphomet statue that the Satanic Temple wants to build at the Capitol. In a status update, he blames the entire thing on atheists and then calls them out for not contributing anything to our state’s culture.
Check it out:
It sure was a strange night on Twitter for the Oklahoma City Thunder.
About an hour after Kevin Durant’s phone was hacked and a photo tweeted of him not smoking marijuana in The Mile High City, the Thunder’s lumbering and $7-million big man Kendrick Perkins sent a pointed tweet to The Oklahoman’s Thunder beat writer Darnell Mayberry.
Here’s a screenshot of the now deleted tweet via our man Zorgon at WTLC:
Thanks! Your message has been sent!