I have a confession.
It’s me. It’s been me the whole time. Once I got that ball running, I was in heaven. Can you blame me? When I figured it out I couldn’t believe it was so easy.
I then realized I couldn’t stop. It was always on my mind. I found myself doing it by myself at night. I began calling in sick at work, because who has time for work when you find something that brings you such joy? Friends tried to intervene, but it was useless. Only I can stop my activities, and I must man-up and take responsibility.
So, I, Adam Holt, promise everyone to stop with the earthquakes. Man, that was hard, but it’s the right think to do.
Also, I apologize to the fracking industry for the bad press. I happened to blame you once on Reddit and it spread like wildfire. Here’s stuff to do.
Hello everyone. It’s Adam, and it’s spring.
Spring brings problems. As Chelsea mentioned earlier in the week, for those of us will allergies, spring isn’t really that celebrated. Every week I receive two shots because of all the lovely pollen.
Also, being the fair-skinned badass that I am, UV rays do me no favors. Actually, we aren’t even on speaking terms. I wear SPF 4000 sunscreen. It’s basically a radiation suit in a bottle. Even with that it’s quite the battle.
My worst nemesis is most likely the wasp, or anything that stings. They return in the spring. I don’t like them. I’ve outrun yellow jackets twice. If you aren’t familiar with these guys, they are fast, small monsters with swords stuck to their backsides, but I’m faster. That time sixth grade Adam took off with the wasps in pursuit would of made Usain Bolt proud. I will not be defeated.
Here are things to do.
I’m often asked how much I am compensated for my talents. I’m not going to state the dollar amount because I don’t want emails from “old friends” who want join my entourage.
I charge top dollar, and if there are dollars higher than “top,” I bill at that price. With writing this good I don’t charge by the word, but by the letter. Watch this: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. I just paid off my house. Italics go for double.
Ok, not true. Actually I beg Patrick for the work. I owe him because I once busted his above ground pool when I bet him I could cannonball from a nearby tree without hitting bottom. I missed pool and landed on the edge sending water all over the backyard like a busted dam. So embarrassing. I walk with a gangsta lean to this day.
The moral of the story is keep me from your pool. Here’s stuff to do!
It’s officially the worst time of the year for those who love CBS soap operas.
I can’t imagine not being able to watch the daily trials and tribulations of the Bold and the Beautiful’s Forrester Family. What about the Spencer family? I need to see Caroline’s awkward and intense stares at Wyatt Fuller in that horrible stage lighting!
Ok, I have to give credit where credit is due. I don’t really know anything about soap operas, but Wikipedia helped me fool you. I promise it was Wikipedia. I do not watch these shows. Stop laughing at me. Fine whatever.
Like sand through an hourglass, this is your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Hello everyone. It’s Adam. This is one my favorite times of the year because I love tournament brackets.
You might have noticed that Ogle Madness is alive and well and college basketball conference tournaments have started. Soon it will be March Madness, the God of all brackets.
Everything is improved if you filter it through a bracket. Do you want to improve voter turnout for local elections? Pit #1 seed Mick Cornett against the moron running on the “Foundering Fathers for LSD” ticket and #2 seed Ed Shadid against #3 seed Zero the white rapper. We can make it a double-elimination tournament just for kicks.
Sally Kern’s greatest hits would make an outstanding bracket. What would be Kernel Sally’s “one shining moment?” Her statement about black people not wanting to study hard? What about “City councils from Pittsburgh to West Palm Beach, FL are under the control of gays”? It would be a riveting competition.
Anyways, this is what’s going on this weekend.
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