Ok, it’s over. We’re done and it’s time to pack it all up. With the recent news of Emily Sutton’s engagement, this blog is no longer viable. The Lost Ogle is based on two things: Patrick’s wooing of Emily, and state fair pictures. No institution can stand on only one pillar, and that includes this once mighty blog.
Today I visited the TLO complex to get an advance on my paycheck. I walked in to see Patrick throwing gasoline everywhere like Walter White and Jesse at the laundry facility after Gus Fring died in “Breaking Bad”. He was screaming in tongues, but I was able to make out “Feel free to take all the pens. They don’t need pens in hell!”
Well, I took the pens. I also saved the oil portrait Patrick commissioned of himself that was hanging above his fancy Herman Miller desk chair in his office. Patrick instructed the artist to copy this, but use his own face. The best type of blackmail is the kind that provides you with a retirement pension.
It’s been great writing for The Lost Ogle. The doors this blog has opened for my career are no different than those from being a Wal-Mart door greeter, and I receive fewer benefits, which is really saying something. We will meet again if this blog is up next Friday, so here’s your (possibly last) Friday Night in the Big Town.
By this time next week, I’m sure everyone voted in the primary. With our wide array of choices, everyone will find a candidate who matches their soul to the “t.” It’s democracy at its finest.
As we all know, we judge political candidates on one thing only, the coolness of their website. Take James Lankford’s site. You are greeted by a picture of the Lankford family. As always, we see that Lankford can only make one face, the school yearbook look. He educates you on his stances, history, team, and media links using an endless column of red boxes. It’s like a boring hopscotch from hell.
T.W. Shannon uses another technique to secure your vote. Placed inside the header of every page is a picture of Shannon’s hypnotic stare. No matter what tab you click, there is T.W., and suddenly you wake up. Everything is fine until you realize that every time the air conditioner clicks on, you think “T.W.” Every time your neighbor’s dog barks you think “T.W.” He now owns you.
Randy Brogdon’s website greets you with a picture of his fist. It’s obviously a ploy to make you forget he’s two feet tall. Mike Turner apparently teaches kids about water. That’s an interesting tactic.
Well there you go, all the information you need to decide an important election. Be sure to vote on Tuesday.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town:
As you have probably been told by every website, tweet and status you have come across, today is Friday the 13th. This is a great opportunity for me to celebrate one of my favorite people, horror movie slasher Jason Voorhees.
What I love about Jason is the man is only doing what he believes is right. That being killing people, usually promiscuous teenage campers. I believe I can speak for most of you when I say no one deserves it more. More power to him.
Jason has a job to do. He, like you and I, is working for the man. Jason clocks in and clocks out. Unlike Freddy Kruger, a killer from old money and a total child of the “one percent,” he can’t afford to mess and play games with people. He doesn’t have the “fast toys and faster women” lifestyle that Freddy can afford. Jason is the blue-collared killer, the butcher for the common man, the everyman’s executioner.
That doesn’t mean he no artistic flair. When Jason has a moment, he creates masterpieces of mayhem. Who can forget in Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter, Christian Glover’s character “Jimmy” crucified to a door with a hatchet to the face and a corkscrew through his hand? Seeing the man work pulls at your heartstrings and brings a tear to your eye. He’s always making his mother proud.
I dedicate this column to you Jason, for without your efforts I would have never known that you can kill someone by smashing them against a tree while they are in a sleeping bag.
Hold the presses everyone! The Oklahoma legislature and Governor Fallin have saved us from the Great Satan! Common Core (CC) is no more! Your breakfast tasted better this morning didn’t it? I bet you won’t hit any red lights either. As usual, the shills on capitol hill got rid of something they didn’t understand and blamed it on the federal government. First of all, CC isn’t the problem, it’s the testing. CC are only standards, not how you teach and test them.
Of course, anytime something doesn’t go exactly as planned, blame is always tossed to the federal government and White House. Nevermind that CC was developed by governors and state leaders. Nevermind that CC was supported only months ago by Fallin and state school superintendent Janet Barresi. Instead of taking time to improve the idea of CC, we just scrap it and go back to our previous obsolete standards.
“We are capable of creating Oklahoma academic standards that will be better than Common Core,” Fallin said yesterday in a statement. Do you honestly believe the politicians in the state house who know very little about education, or anything, will make responsible decisions about education?
I’m sorry, I know you guys probably didn’t want to read an education rant by the “Big Town” guy. It’s just that some of this stuff honestly scares me. I’ll make you feel better. How about that Thunder? Wait….
I have bad news. For about a week and a half my eyes have not been focusing properly. I may need glasses. The bad news? Well, it’s for all you guys out there because I know I’ll look good in glasses. I always thought I would, and maybe in the near future I will show the world the next king of the hill of eye glasses models. I guess there is a possibility that it’s due to staring at computer screens too long and need to look away for a bit, or I may not look good in glasses. No, I doubt the latter.
If I do ever wear glasses I want the 60’s cat’s-eye style with the leopard print. While I’m at it I should find a poodle skirt and rock the whole look.
What on Earth am I talking about? See what this blog has done to me? Before I wrote for The Lost Ogle I was a simple Arkansan boy who played and recorded rock music and was working towards a journalism degree. Now look at me. If you learn only one thing from me let it be this: do not associate with Patrick. In the beginning it was like, “Sure! Write some FNITBT columns!” Now, well I think the best way to describe it is “it puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.”
That’s the perfect segway to what you want to do this weekend!
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