It’s time for my dogs to be given their heartworm medicine. How do I know this? Because Senator Jim Mountain Inhofe is saying Obama hates Christianity again.
Like clockwork, Inhofe once again stepped up to a microphone, this time on U.S. Senate floor, and said the President is suppressing the rights and values of Christians while praising Islam. This time he sold it as “Oklahomans told me.”
You can basically keep time by the Mountain Man’s baseless rhetoric. Who needs Google Calendar when Old Faithful spews at exact intervals? Remember, the heavenly bodies revolve around the senator.
“What’s that? Inhofe is saying Obama hates Christians again? The Moon must be a waxing crescent.”
Imagine the eye rolling from the other legislators when he steps up to the mic. I seriously doubt they even take a moment to break from their paper football game to show interest.
“Jimmy’s going to talk about Obama.”
“Oh great. Dude, nice field goal!”
Now, if you are an Oklahoman who has complained to the mighty senator about the President bringing down the hammer on Christianity and praising Islam, PLEASE show me some examples! I must have missed that televised address. Maybe I didn’t hear about it because of the Sharia Law force field we installed after we added the ban to the state constitution.
Or maybe Inhofe and the affectionately titled “Derplahomans” should get over themselves. Probably not, their patriotic self-worth leaves the 1% in awe. Remember, these egos don’t run.
Hang on, sorry, this is an entertainment column. Here’s stuff to do!
Hello everyone. It’s Adam.
For some reason Patrick is in Denver. That reason is sinister. The Denver International Airport is the headquarters of the New World Order for the Western Hemisphere. Yes, that is your jaw that just hit the floor.
This Illuminati den is home to a secret underground military base, murals depicting death and a cursed horse statue. The airport also is shaped like a swastika if you look from above using Obama’s Big Brother drones. It’s true. It’s on the internet.
I began to put together the pieces of the Patrick’s evil power puzzle last week. You may recall that I revealed details about his life in my last FNITBT. He uses a stunt double for public appearances, he communicates using a combination of encrypted emails and FedEx and never leaves his compound. Since I divulged these details my tires have been slashed, my trees were TP’d and a burning effigy of Kelly Ogle appeared in my yard.
The biggest clue that Patrick has powers beyond the average Oklahoman is the fact this blog is popular. Really? Seriously, how popular can a website based on state fair photos and Emily Sutton actually be? The truth is that it is a front for his government invasion propaganda and his illegal duck-billed platypus smuggling ring.
Ok, some of the above “facts” may not be true. Sometimes you have to fudge the truth to warn America of the takeover, or just to get more people to read your articles. There are a couple of other “non-truths” sprinkled throughout this article. Have fun finding them.
Hello everyone. It’s Adam.
You can all exhale now. The Lost Ogle, and more importantly me, have survived Heartbleed. The bug and band name of countless terrible emo bands allows mean people to steal info from computers, websites and devices. We live on.
You may not know this but Patrick has a crack team of former hackers on retainer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. When you live in the lavish world of successful regional bloggers, nothing is too expensive and you can never be too safe. You are always a target.
The paranoia has gotten the best of him. Rumor has it that Patrick no longer leaves his compound, sending his stand-in double out to events like Lost Ogle Trivia Night and filing lawsuits against governors.
I have never met the man. I’ve only communicated with him through his cryptic emails and the key is sent through FedEx. He’s the Keyser Söze of our day. Don’t cross him. Don’t look him in the eye. Actually, don’t even mention I wrote this. I’m done for.
I have a confession.
It’s me. It’s been me the whole time. Once I got that ball running, I was in heaven. Can you blame me? When I figured it out I couldn’t believe it was so easy.
I then realized I couldn’t stop. It was always on my mind. I found myself doing it by myself at night. I began calling in sick at work, because who has time for work when you find something that brings you such joy? Friends tried to intervene, but it was useless. Only I can stop my activities, and I must man-up and take responsibility.
So, I, Adam Holt, promise everyone to stop with the earthquakes. Man, that was hard, but it’s the right think to do.
Also, I apologize to the fracking industry for the bad press. I happened to blame you once on Reddit and it spread like wildfire. Here’s stuff to do.
Hello everyone. It’s Adam, and it’s spring.
Spring brings problems. As Chelsea mentioned earlier in the week, for those of us will allergies, spring isn’t really that celebrated. Every week I receive two shots because of all the lovely pollen.
Also, being the fair-skinned badass that I am, UV rays do me no favors. Actually, we aren’t even on speaking terms. I wear SPF 4000 sunscreen. It’s basically a radiation suit in a bottle. Even with that it’s quite the battle.
My worst nemesis is most likely the wasp, or anything that stings. They return in the spring. I don’t like them. I’ve outrun yellow jackets twice. If you aren’t familiar with these guys, they are fast, small monsters with swords stuck to their backsides, but I’m faster. That time sixth grade Adam took off with the wasps in pursuit would of made Usain Bolt proud. I will not be defeated.
Here are things to do.
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