The world is full of great streaks. In his 15 years of conquest, Alexander the Great never lost a battle. American Olympic hurdler Edwin Moses won 122 consecutive races between 1977 and 1987, and the Chicago Cubs have not won a World Series since 1907, a period of losing that will stretch into the next millennium.
A great streak came to an end Thursday evening. As I walked down the stairs in my house, with my right hand on the handrail, I felt a burn unlike I’ve ever experienced. After grabbing my right thumb and a moment of cussing, a looked for a culprit. Above me and to my right, up on a wall, sat a wasp.
You see, I have, or had, never been stung by an insect in my life. It was a streak I was proud of and actively protected. 12,840 days, or approximately 1,109,376,000 seconds, I lived a life free of the stigma of one who de-purified by a stinger. I outran yellowjackets twice in my life, leaving friends chasing behind me facing their due punishment. Hell, my grandfather was a beekeeper, and they couldn’t touch this redhead.
But now that’s over, a wasp has left me like most of you, a simple groundling. The damn thing was in my house! I totally believe this was planted. Anyways, the wasp met my wrath, my black folder where I keep my journalism notes.
I’m not one to kill many living things. I try my best to get them to fly or crawl outside. They way I see it, this wasp attacked me, injecting poison into me, and he/she would not have cared if I died. This creature got what it deserved.
Oh well, there’s no better time than the present to start a new streak. Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Soon we will crown the year’s most important Oklahoman for the eighth time, using the state’s official method of selection, Ogle Madness. The winner will have their bust carved using red clay and a butter knife, and will be displayed along with the other winners in the TLO Complex’s bathrooms. They are set at eye-level above urinals and toilets so you can gaze into the eyes of those superior, while you, you know. If I remember correctly, this includes Kevin Durant, Emily Sutton, Lacey Swope and, ummm, Zero? I can’t remember.
But no method is perfect. A few greats have fallen through the cracks. For one, I nominate for championship recognition former Sooner and current Lebanese Pro basketball player Austin Johnson. No one rocked a goatee like Johnson, or hair for that matter. He confused opponents by looking confused, then broke their ankles without a second thought. I also enjoy this picture because I’m not sure how a defender ends up in this position.
How about the tortured soul seen walking behind Sweet Brown? The man was obviously was in pain and not intentionally trying to step into a camera shot. To this day I cannot separate Brown’s description of that infamous fire and her bronchitis from the image of a man whose hands cover his face, wondering why the world has wronged him, then “unintentionally” mugging for the camera. Crown this man.
There are plenty more, including me, who have been slighted by this tournament. Though magnificent, it is not perfect, and Johnson, me and that other guy will sit here waiting.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
If you are going to do something, do it right.
We should all follow this philosophy, no matter the task or situation. Say for instance I perform kidney stone surgery tomorrow, I would do my best to be successful the first time. I should also mention that I’m not a surgeon and do not hold a medical degree. Still, I would bring my A-game.
This Tulsa man has the right idea. From NewsOK:
“Police: Oklahoma man hospitalized following naked rooftop standoff”
If you’re going to have a standoff, be nude, be proud, and be way up in the air so everyone can see you. The old school standoffs where the gunmen hid in the saloon are so passé. So yeah, sorry, I’m a standoff hipster. Some people are pretentious about coffee and art, but me, if you are going to be on “COPS,” you damn well better do it right.
Here’s a woman who knows how to handle her jealousy of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. From KOCO:
“Girlfriend, ex jump in river to see who man saves”
So a young man and his new girlfriend have a meeting with his ex-girlfriend who apparently won’t leave them alone. This meeting happened to take place next to a river.
The women begin to fight, and the ex-girlfriend changes the game by jumping into the river and yelling for her ex to save her. Now that’s doing it right, but not to be outdone, the new girlfriend follows suit.
The man chooses to rescue his girlfriend, leaving the ex all wet. What makes this even better is that the river wasn’t deep, and the ex-girlfriend was stuck waist deep in river mud, needing firefighters to help her escape. The girlfriend, well she didn’t fare much better. She hit a boat on her way into the river, causing minor injuries.
What I’d pay to have seen this. Probably about $6 or $7 dollars. Anyways, if you are going to do it, do it right.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
There’s a quote, I believe it’s from one of the Superman movies or “Gone With the Wind,” that reads “the best laid plans of mice and men often do awry.” Sometimes ideas do not come to fruition because any number of reasons. There are plenty of famous examples including Gigli, Russia’s Olympic Ring failure and that time President George W. Bush planned on eating a pretzel, but choked on it, passed out and smashed his face.
Oklahoma has seen a few of these epic fails as well. You may remember that space tourism company Rocketplane, who took state money, failed and then ran. Also, there’s the capitol building and those inside it. Well, add the Gold Dome to the list. Actually, you may have already have it there.
TEEMCO, an environmental engineering company, purchased the Gold Dome in 2012 with big plans on the horizon. The building was to be the company’s headquarters and would include massive fish aquariums and the world’s largest salt crystal lamp in the lobby of the building, otherwise known as a Sankara Stone from Indiana Jones & the Temple of Doom.
Well, none of that happened and the geodesic structure will again be up for sale, where someone else will buy and sell it in the same condition as it is now. The building is a curse, a cool looking curse. My guess is, like the badass Pyramid in downtown Memphis, TN, it will be bought by Bass Pro and slathered in its ugly logo. Yes, we already have a Bass Pro Shop, that’s why this one will be known as “Bass Pro Shop, Too.”
We all want the Gold Dome to be the shiny and fantastic building that it should be, but at the end of the day the company with the most money will get their way, promise to keep the dome historic, but will puke something corporate on it.
You know what they say about best laid plans. Here’s your Friday in the Big Town.
Sometimes I endure brain freezes when writing intro for FNITBT. They are often remedied by visiting NewsOK or CNN, taking a big news story, and identify the antagonist and replace him with Patrick. I then move the setting to the “TLO Complex” and let my brain puke a weird and borderline insane story.
I’m currently in this position. Here are some stories on CNN as I type:
That last one is kind of cool, but I doubt Patrick will stop at using death rays on truck engines.
Anyway, sorry to be a downer, you came here to find out what to do this weekend. Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town…
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