Well, it’s over. One of the greatest shows ever ended. Last night Stephen Colbert signed off for the final time on “The Colbert Report.” A show that’s funnier than the Daily Show, and just as on point, led by a character unlike any other. The program’s “Colbert” was portrayed as selfish, egocentric and undying conservative while acting out our country’s flaws, yet made you proud to be an American. That’s talent.
I only hope Colbert transforms the network late-night landscape. He takes over “The Late Show” following David Letterman’s departure, a person who I believe is one of the funniest people ever, though his formula and antics have run its course.
Luckily Leno is gone and will never come back. His hour-long deluge of DMV and “how men and women are different” jokes could make you comatose. Jimmy Fallon is overrated. He has two jokes, “look at me do an impression of a musician,” and “watch me act like a 13-year-old girl meeting a celebrity at the beginning of every interview.”
Good luck Mr. Colbert. We need you.
Here’s your Friday Night in Big Town….
It’s the time of year where rush hour traffic is slower and darker, and the mall becomes two rather than one level of Hell. Also, the amount of audible complaints about other drivers sky rockets.
“Look at this dumbass trying to change lanes!”
“Learn how to drive!”
“I curse your Hummer!”
Nothing celebrates the birth of the savior like road rage. One thing I’ve noticed is the people who yell the most about other drivers are usually the worst drivers. The ones who quickly swerve into a space one inch larger than their vehicle, or pass you on the right side of the road without giving you the chance to change lanes. Just because throw your car around like an Indy car doesn’t make you a better driver, only an idiot.
Anyways, sorry to be your dad. I just find it interesting that the holidays brings out the jackassery of Americans. Only we use the purchasing of our toys as a chance to launch into a Gordon Ramsey-esqe tirade because “that damn Prius is going to slow.” With that jolly intro, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
I’m going to let everyone know here at the beginning. At this moment, I hate everything. Why? For a stupid reason, but you would hate everything as well.
This little blog uses WordPress. There is absolutely nothing wrong with WordPress. What is causing my big fuss is that I do not have access to my computer, so I’m typing this with my iPad.
Apparently, WordPress and Apple don’t see eye-to-eye, and they decided to take it out on us. Actually, it’s probably me and my moronic self.
“Hey WordPress, let’s bold that word.”
“Adam, you and your iPad shall burn in Hell. Instead of boldface, how about erasing two lines and replacing them with wing-dings.”
Its like pulling teeth…through your nose. Anyways, please excuse any weird italics or lack thereof.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
As you may have heard, there is a “big to-do” about Obama and immigration. Many are not happy about the President’s “executive orders.” They are also unhappy about Obama passing over the rusted, broken bike chain that is Congress and making a decision. This intro is not about that.
What it is about is Patrick.
His middle name is “executive order.” Here at the Ogle Complex, Patrick, or as well call him, “Okie Nero,” rules the roost. If Patrick wants a Sonic Blackberry Pineapple Splash at 2 a.m., you get him a Sonic Blackberry Pineapple Splash at 2 a.m. How does he relay this information to us? We have one of those Bluetooth ear clips on 24/7.
One time he demanded a new combination lock at 3:45 in the morning. After I finished crying from the fright of his piercing scream into my ear canal while I was sleeping, I drove to Wal-Mart, bought the lock and sped to HQ as fast as possible. Yes, Patrick lives at TLO HQ. I handed him the lock, he smiled and said “Thanks,” threw the lock in garbage and said “but no thanks.” I cried again and began writing all of his posts that I do not get credit for.
It’s a hard life here at the complex, but I make do. He pays us in change and usually half of it is Canadian quarters. One day all this hard work will land me to my dream…..my own TLO South Park avatar. That’s when you know you made it.
(Editor’s Note: That was weird.)
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
It’s hard being Harold Hamm. All he wanted was to share his life we the one he loved; a sweet girl named Sue Ann. Like half of all American marriages, it didn’t work out. It happens, but being the adults they are, I’m sure they will come to a reasonable settlement and go their separate ways:
Whoa. Ok then. One billion dollars. Wow, I would like to think if I was in a divorce that involved that type of money, I would be happy walking away with $100 million. Or $1 million. Or a car that runs. But hey, it’s taken care of, it’s all good. I mean, it’s all good right?
Continental Resources Inc. CEO Harold Hamm’s ex-wife isn’t satisfied with nearly $1 billion. “NewsOK, Nov. 13, 2014″
I would cuss loudly here, or type in all caps, but since I’m currently searching for writing jobs I will politely say “oh my goodness!” Seriously, $1,000,000,000! You’re telling me 100,000,000,000 pennies is not enough money to survive on?
Obviously, the former Mr. and Mrs. Harold Hamm do not live in the same world as us. I’m currently trying to find a full-time job for a more consistent paycheck, because freelancing doesn’t always pay the bills, and someone isn’t satisfied with $1 billion? I don’t mean to come off attacking only Sue Ann, I’m sure Harold is a real winner, but…wow, I don’t know what to say other than…
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town on $20 a day.
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