It’s been a rough week for central Oklahoma. Tornados, record floods and the threat of loose tigers roaming the metro not once, but twice, have inundated the airwaves and Twitterverse. Combine this with non-stop earthquakes, the shorty shorts bandit, and this weirdo, there is no doubt that Oklahomans are the toughest Americans and are not afraid of anything.
The same cannot be said about Texas.
While we dealt with the above threats, the Lone Star State fell into a state of panic due to their own ego-fed paranoia. Texas Governor Greg Abbot and fellow Derpla-texans believe Obama has strategically moved military to takeover the southwest United States and are on the cusp of martial law.
The moronic fears surround a military exercise names Jade Helm 15. The idea behind Jade Helm 15 is to allow American special operations forces to practice counterinsurgency techniques and to become better badasses. This will take place in many states in the southwest. Basically, they are going to play a huge, complicated game of “spotlight.”
Word got out and conspiracy theories are spiraling out of control. Appreciate the intelligence as you read this theory about the recent Wal-Mart closing from AllNewsPipeline.com:
With news of numerous Wal-Mart supercenters now being ‘temporarily closed…..will these massive stores soon be used as ‘food distribution centers’ and to house the headquarters of invading troops from China, here to disarm Americans one by one as promised by Michelle Obama to the Chinese prior to Obama leaving the White House?
Gov. Abbot went DEF-KERN 5 and sent the Texas National Guard to “monitor” the military exercises. Nothing against the National Guard, but I’m guessing special forces would be a tough gig. But not to worry! They have help!
Yes, Oklahoma Native Chuck Norris is not happy with Obama and Jade Helm 15. He wrote this editorial, and like any good “patriot” who wants to sound smart, he led the opinion piece with a Ben Franklin quote.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town
For the last….forever…..I’ve had my eye on the employment marketplace to take my career to the next level. Recently, two opportunities opened up and confidence brought a smile to my face. I thought “This is the Year of Adam.”
After working with a local staffing agency, I landed an interview with a well-respected company. I stated my strengths: Badass, The Lost Ogle contributor, 6th grade Quiz Bowl All-Star team, badass. Sadly, it wasn’t enough. I lost to some Floridian named Billy.
However, the second opportunity now holds my attention. I sent resumes to all 32 branches of the company. Oddly enough, they announce their new hires on live television. So far, no luck. I thought I nailed my Tennessee interview, but they felt Marcus Mariota fit their corporate culture more than me. I’m holding my breath for the next two days while discussions continue.
If this NFL gig doesn’t work out for me, I’m taking my talents the Hungry Frog Diner on 10th Street. They know hard workers when they see them, meaning they must be desperate if they want me. I hope you guys don’t mind, but I’m also using this as my cover letter so I need to end this accordingly.
If you agree that I will make a dependable, creative and badass addition to your team, feel free to call me.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town…
Conspiracy theories are afoot my friends! The subject, however, is not one to be expected. It is not about the earthquakes that shake us every few minutes, a “Smudgenado” or Patrick’s recent visitation to Denver, CO, whose airport is the Western Hemisphere home base of the New World Order. I covered Patrick’s dealings with the Illuminati and Denver exactly 364 days ago. Suspiciously odd.
No, this time the theories concern Tulsa’s recent Wal-Mart closing. Not quite as cool as the Illuminati, but it will do. Recently a Wal-Mart Supercenter closed suddenly, basically laying off all the employees. The official word out of Bentonville is the closing is due to plumbing and will take six months to fix.
I’m a native Arkansan, which means I have less diversity of genes than your average human and I have Wal-Mart in my blood. As a matter of fact, I worked at Wal-Mart #0005 in Conway, AR many moons ago. I was once named a 5-Star Cashier and later became a supervisor on the front end, or as you may call it, the cash registers.
I was really interested to learn of these conspiracy theories, but since I don’t have a Tulsa World account, I was left with only a tease. Well, I will tell you my thoughts and what I know of the inner workings. First, Sam Walton is not dead. He is very old, but doesn’t age past 62. He’s been known by many names including Ramsses II, Hannibal of Carthage, and Constantine the Great.
He morphs using a large cocoon, hatching after six months of shape shifting, about the same amount of time it takes to “fix plumbing.” Sometimes he returns as a great leader, other times he’s just “that guy.”
I could go on for pages and pages, but I’ll leave you with this true story. Once, during my time at Wal-Mart, a bird nose-dived into a boiling grease vat in the deli thinking it was water. The end.
This weekend an anniversary arrives that will feel a little different than it has before. Sunday will mark two decades since the bombing. .
I know you didn’t come to this site to read a long essay from me about something we all know, nor is something like this event easy to write about. Heck, I was a 9th grader at Annie Camp Junior High School in Jonesboro, Ark. 20 years ago, what do I know?
Well, what I know is what I’ve witnessed since I moved to the metro in 2002. The week I arrived the Ford Center (Chesapeake Energy Arena) opened, and though the early rumblings about the lack of leg room were true, the arena does the job and now houses the best atmosphere in the NBA. I’ve seen a downtown and neighborhood scenes like the Plaza and Paseo continue to grow. Things like this did not exist where I came from, and I know much of it did not exist in 1995.
My wife’s family have OKC in their DNA. I’ve asked about the state of downtown before, during and after the bombing. They educated me about how the downtown I know was not the downtown back then. There wasn’t much to do, and Bricktown wasn’t a place you wanted to be. An area lost due to destructive “urban renewal” and an oil bust, with no one attempting to tap the potential.
We (those of us who did not live here) saw how the city stood firm during tragedy, and decide to literally pick up the pieces and create something positive from such a negative event.
What I really want to say is “good job.” OKC is now known as a place “on the move” (not exactly sure what that means, but sounds good), and the bombing is now a “part” of the city’s history, not “the city’s history.”
What you have done is impressive, and I’m glad to now be a part of it.
Here is your Friday Night in the Big Town.
I ran into this story on Cnn.com:
“Ex-teacher arrested in Japan says he paid for sex with over 12,000 women”
This is an example of a story with questionable legitimacy. Why? First of all, he’s a teacher. No teacher makes enough money to pay for 12 Hostess Apple Pies, nevertheless 12,000 service fees. Next, he’s an “ex-teacher.” No ex-teacher has a pension or 401(k) that will supply them with “men or women of the night” funds. Third, I forgot number three, but my first two pieces of evidence are strong enough.
What’s the moral of the story? Pay teachers better. Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Thanks! Your message has been sent!