As you have probably been told by every website, tweet and status you have come across, today is Friday the 13th. This is a great opportunity for me to celebrate one of my favorite people, horror movie slasher Jason Voorhees.
What I love about Jason is the man is only doing what he believes is right. That being killing people, usually promiscuous teenage campers. I believe I can speak for most of you when I say no one deserves it more. More power to him.
Jason has a job to do. He, like you and I, is working for the man. Jason clocks in and clocks out. Unlike Freddy Kruger, a killer from old money and a total child of the “one percent,” he can’t afford to mess and play games with people. He doesn’t have the “fast toys and faster women” lifestyle that Freddy can afford. Jason is the blue-collared killer, the butcher for the common man, the everyman’s executioner.
That doesn’t mean he no artistic flair. When Jason has a moment, he creates masterpieces of mayhem. Who can forget in Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter, Christian Glover’s character “Jimmy” crucified to a door with a hatchet to the face and a corkscrew through his hand? Seeing the man work pulls at your heartstrings and brings a tear to your eye. He’s always making his mother proud.
I dedicate this column to you Jason, for without your efforts I would have never known that you can kill someone by smashing them against a tree while they are in a sleeping bag.
Hold the presses everyone! The Oklahoma legislature and Governor Fallin have saved us from the Great Satan! Common Core (CC) is no more! Your breakfast tasted better this morning didn’t it? I bet you won’t hit any red lights either. As usual, the shills on capitol hill got rid of something they didn’t understand and blamed it on the federal government. First of all, CC isn’t the problem, it’s the testing. CC are only standards, not how you teach and test them.
Of course, anytime something doesn’t go exactly as planned, blame is always tossed to the federal government and White House. Nevermind that CC was developed by governors and state leaders. Nevermind that CC was supported only months ago by Fallin and state school superintendent Janet Barresi. Instead of taking time to improve the idea of CC, we just scrap it and go back to our previous obsolete standards.
“We are capable of creating Oklahoma academic standards that will be better than Common Core,” Fallin said yesterday in a statement. Do you honestly believe the politicians in the state house who know very little about education, or anything, will make responsible decisions about education?
I’m sorry, I know you guys probably didn’t want to read an education rant by the “Big Town” guy. It’s just that some of this stuff honestly scares me. I’ll make you feel better. How about that Thunder? Wait….
I have bad news. For about a week and a half my eyes have not been focusing properly. I may need glasses. The bad news? Well, it’s for all you guys out there because I know I’ll look good in glasses. I always thought I would, and maybe in the near future I will show the world the next king of the hill of eye glasses models. I guess there is a possibility that it’s due to staring at computer screens too long and need to look away for a bit, or I may not look good in glasses. No, I doubt the latter.
If I do ever wear glasses I want the 60’s cat’s-eye style with the leopard print. While I’m at it I should find a poodle skirt and rock the whole look.
What on Earth am I talking about? See what this blog has done to me? Before I wrote for The Lost Ogle I was a simple Arkansan boy who played and recorded rock music and was working towards a journalism degree. Now look at me. If you learn only one thing from me let it be this: do not associate with Patrick. In the beginning it was like, “Sure! Write some FNITBT columns!” Now, well I think the best way to describe it is “it puts the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again.”
That’s the perfect segway to what you want to do this weekend!
Hey people, stop eating the hummus. CNN is reporting large shipments of hummus are contaminated with E. coli and listeria. Be sure to properly boil your hummus and the mix with hydrogen peroxide to proper kill all harmful bacteria.
This would of all been foretold if anyone of us would of visited that palm reader on NW 23rd. Have any of you ever visited Madame Bishop? I was surprised when I found no Yelp reviews for her. However, “Once Upon a Silver Moon,” metaphysical gift, occult supply and psychic store has a 4 star rating. It doesn’t matter that it’s from only one review from someone who lives in Manhattan and hasn’t been to the store.
Apparently the Oklahoma Gazette once named Ande Spenser, who I believe is the owner and psychic, “Cheeriest Occult Person in the Metro.” That’s the clincher for me because no one knows the occult like the Gazette. Hopefully she can tell me when this deadly hummus thing will end. I guess I’ll fill the hole in my heart with these events.
Big news people! I saw Mayor Mick Cornett at Best Buy yesterday! He was walking around holding a bag. It was as if he was a groundling like us. There were no bodyguards to be found. I felt super special. I bet the Geek Squad gave him a tour of their van.
This begs the question, what does Mayor Cornett purchase at Best Buy? I bet he owns a Dyson bladeless fan. You know the ones, they are powered by “the force,” have a price tag matching a semester of tuition at Oklahoma City University and do a terrible job of cooling you. But that isn’t the point, owning a Dyson fan is a statement, much like driving a Camaro, eating Freshetta oven pizza or owning Beats by Dre headphones. He is the walking definition of high society and class, and must not portray anything less than the leader of THE “Big League City.”
I bow down to you Mayor Cornett. You may be in an intellectual and social atmosphere that the rest of us cannot comprehend, but you also demonstrate that you are a man of the people.
(Editor’s Note: You can also see Mr. Mayor playing trivia at TLO Trivia Night.)
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