Hello everyone. It’s Adam.
You can all exhale now. The Lost Ogle, and more importantly me, have survived Heartbleed. The bug and band name of countless terrible emo bands allows mean people to steal info from computers, websites and devices. We live on.
You may not know this but Patrick has a crack team of former hackers on retainer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. When you live in the lavish world of successful regional bloggers, nothing is too expensive and you can never be too safe. You are always a target.
The paranoia has gotten the best of him. Rumor has it that Patrick no longer leaves his compound, sending his stand-in double out to events like Lost Ogle Trivia Night and filing lawsuits against governors.
I have never met the man. I’ve only communicated with him through his cryptic emails and the key is sent through FedEx. He’s the Keyser Söze of our day. Don’t cross him. Don’t look him in the eye. Actually, don’t even mention I wrote this. I’m done for.
I have a confession.
It’s me. It’s been me the whole time. Once I got that ball running, I was in heaven. Can you blame me? When I figured it out I couldn’t believe it was so easy.
I then realized I couldn’t stop. It was always on my mind. I found myself doing it by myself at night. I began calling in sick at work, because who has time for work when you find something that brings you such joy? Friends tried to intervene, but it was useless. Only I can stop my activities, and I must man-up and take responsibility.
So, I, Adam Holt, promise everyone to stop with the earthquakes. Man, that was hard, but it’s the right think to do.
Also, I apologize to the fracking industry for the bad press. I happened to blame you once on Reddit and it spread like wildfire. Here’s stuff to do.
Hello everyone. It’s Adam, and it’s spring.
Spring brings problems. As Chelsea mentioned earlier in the week, for those of us will allergies, spring isn’t really that celebrated. Every week I receive two shots because of all the lovely pollen.
Also, being the fair-skinned badass that I am, UV rays do me no favors. Actually, we aren’t even on speaking terms. I wear SPF 4000 sunscreen. It’s basically a radiation suit in a bottle. Even with that it’s quite the battle.
My worst nemesis is most likely the wasp, or anything that stings. They return in the spring. I don’t like them. I’ve outrun yellow jackets twice. If you aren’t familiar with these guys, they are fast, small monsters with swords stuck to their backsides, but I’m faster. That time sixth grade Adam took off with the wasps in pursuit would of made Usain Bolt proud. I will not be defeated.
Here are things to do.
I’m often asked how much I am compensated for my talents. I’m not going to state the dollar amount because I don’t want emails from “old friends” who want join my entourage.
I charge top dollar, and if there are dollars higher than “top,” I bill at that price. With writing this good I don’t charge by the word, but by the letter. Watch this: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. I just paid off my house. Italics go for double.
Ok, not true. Actually I beg Patrick for the work. I owe him because I once busted his above ground pool when I bet him I could cannonball from a nearby tree without hitting bottom. I missed pool and landed on the edge sending water all over the backyard like a busted dam. So embarrassing. I walk with a gangsta lean to this day.
The moral of the story is keep me from your pool. Here’s stuff to do!
It’s officially the worst time of the year for those who love CBS soap operas.
I can’t imagine not being able to watch the daily trials and tribulations of the Bold and the Beautiful’s Forrester Family. What about the Spencer family? I need to see Caroline’s awkward and intense stares at Wyatt Fuller in that horrible stage lighting!
Ok, I have to give credit where credit is due. I don’t really know anything about soap operas, but Wikipedia helped me fool you. I promise it was Wikipedia. I do not watch these shows. Stop laughing at me. Fine whatever.
Like sand through an hourglass, this is your Friday Night in the Big Town.
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