Big news people! I saw Mayor Mick Cornett at Best Buy yesterday! He was walking around holding a bag. It was as if he was a groundling like us. There were no bodyguards to be found. I felt super special. I bet the Geek Squad gave him a tour of their van.
This begs the question, what does Mayor Cornett purchase at Best Buy? I bet he owns a Dyson bladeless fan. You know the ones, they are powered by “the force,” have a price tag matching a semester of tuition at Oklahoma City University and do a terrible job of cooling you. But that isn’t the point, owning a Dyson fan is a statement, much like driving a Camaro, eating Freshetta oven pizza or owning Beats by Dre headphones. He is the walking definition of high society and class, and must not portray anything less than the leader of THE “Big League City.”
I bow down to you Mayor Cornett. You may be in an intellectual and social atmosphere that the rest of us cannot comprehend, but you also demonstrate that you are a man of the people.
(Editor’s Note: You can also see Mr. Mayor playing trivia at TLO Trivia Night.)
Breaking news – Kevin Durant is a better person than you, me, your mom and (place name here). Durant’s MVP award acceptance speech probably made Pope Francis feel as if he had an evil soul and is destined to hell. There is no way we can now call that man the “slim reaper.”
Speaking of the hell bound, I see that Patrick and Spence will be stamping their passport to the anti-paradise now that Zero has officially dissed them. Seriously, there’s no running from that.
With both of them dead that means I will be inheriting The Lost Ogle. Oh Marisa? Well, I guess we will play a game of “mercy” for it. I think I’ll win because I’ve been practicing against myself. You should have seen some of the nasty bouts I’ve had with me. I think I’m ready. I won four of five matches last night.
What will my first actions after becoming the Ogle Czar? Selling TLO to Chesapeake, buying a yacht with a license plate that says “IHEARTZERO” and live the luscious life of sailing Lake Hefner. Duh. So for now, while Patrick and Spence are still breathing, here is your Friday Night in the Big Town.
It’s time for my dogs to be given their heartworm medicine. How do I know this? Because Senator Jim Mountain Inhofe is saying Obama hates Christianity again.
Like clockwork, Inhofe once again stepped up to a microphone, this time on U.S. Senate floor, and said the President is suppressing the rights and values of Christians while praising Islam. This time he sold it as “Oklahomans told me.”
You can basically keep time by the Mountain Man’s baseless rhetoric. Who needs Google Calendar when Old Faithful spews at exact intervals? Remember, the heavenly bodies revolve around the senator.
“What’s that? Inhofe is saying Obama hates Christians again? The Moon must be a waxing crescent.”
Imagine the eye rolling from the other legislators when he steps up to the mic. I seriously doubt they even take a moment to break from their paper football game to show interest.
“Jimmy’s going to talk about Obama.”
“Oh great. Dude, nice field goal!”
Now, if you are an Oklahoman who has complained to the mighty senator about the President bringing down the hammer on Christianity and praising Islam, PLEASE show me some examples! I must have missed that televised address. Maybe I didn’t hear about it because of the Sharia Law force field we installed after we added the ban to the state constitution.
Or maybe Inhofe and the affectionately titled “Derplahomans” should get over themselves. Probably not, their patriotic self-worth leaves the 1% in awe. Remember, these egos don’t run.
Hang on, sorry, this is an entertainment column. Here’s stuff to do!
Hello everyone. It’s Adam.
For some reason Patrick is in Denver. That reason is sinister. The Denver International Airport is the headquarters of the New World Order for the Western Hemisphere. Yes, that is your jaw that just hit the floor.
This Illuminati den is home to a secret underground military base, murals depicting death and a cursed horse statue. The airport also is shaped like a swastika if you look from above using Obama’s Big Brother drones. It’s true. It’s on the internet.
I began to put together the pieces of the Patrick’s evil power puzzle last week. You may recall that I revealed details about his life in my last FNITBT. He uses a stunt double for public appearances, he communicates using a combination of encrypted emails and FedEx and never leaves his compound. Since I divulged these details my tires have been slashed, my trees were TP’d and a burning effigy of Kelly Ogle appeared in my yard.
The biggest clue that Patrick has powers beyond the average Oklahoman is the fact this blog is popular. Really? Seriously, how popular can a website based on state fair photos and Emily Sutton actually be? The truth is that it is a front for his government invasion propaganda and his illegal duck-billed platypus smuggling ring.
Ok, some of the above “facts” may not be true. Sometimes you have to fudge the truth to warn America of the takeover, or just to get more people to read your articles. There are a couple of other “non-truths” sprinkled throughout this article. Have fun finding them.
Hello everyone. It’s Adam.
You can all exhale now. The Lost Ogle, and more importantly me, have survived Heartbleed. The bug and band name of countless terrible emo bands allows mean people to steal info from computers, websites and devices. We live on.
You may not know this but Patrick has a crack team of former hackers on retainer 24 hours a day, seven days a week. When you live in the lavish world of successful regional bloggers, nothing is too expensive and you can never be too safe. You are always a target.
The paranoia has gotten the best of him. Rumor has it that Patrick no longer leaves his compound, sending his stand-in double out to events like Lost Ogle Trivia Night and filing lawsuits against governors.
I have never met the man. I’ve only communicated with him through his cryptic emails and the key is sent through FedEx. He’s the Keyser Söze of our day. Don’t cross him. Don’t look him in the eye. Actually, don’t even mention I wrote this. I’m done for.
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