Guess what? I’ve been ruining your weekends for a full year now! Sucks to be you! On Friday, July 12, 2013, an Oklahoma City Q-list celebrity was born. To be clear, I am referring to me.
I introduced you to Steve Stone, Your Favorite Hypnotist, who we know is the real deal because he’s from New Orleans. I also jinxed Team USA to the runner-up position in the World Cup of Softball. As you can see, my power is strong, but I have no idea how to wield it.
I have learned many things as the FNITBT writer. Some sweet Lost Ogle commenters made it clear that I am an “asshat.” I have also broken multiple stories about Patrick, such as his involvement with the Illuminati and his burning of the Lost Ogle compound over Emily Sutton.
I look forward to providing more sights and sounds for your weekends as well as Lost Ogle dirt. Thank you for voting me “Favorite Lost Ogle Writer.”
Note: There has never been a “Favorite Lost Ogle Writer” poll.
This is your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Hello America, today is your 238th birthday and you don’t look a day over 45. The Botox revolution is amazing. I’m always impressed that the colors in your red, white and blue mascara never run.
Luckily for many, this year’s Independence Day lands on a Friday, allowing a larger than average infusion of celebratory alcohol. Unluckily, laboratory rats have repeatedly proven that combining explosives and alcohol will result in many Americans attending work on Monday with fewer fingers.
The U.S. plays hard on the 4th, and when you make omelets in war….you break eggs….and fool me once….dammit, I don’t remember the quotes. All I’m saying is America will have less fingers Monday because we party without abandon.
Our get togethers are beautiful events. We light the sky with the emotion, awe and wonder of a James Lankford tweet. Well maybe not. It’s amazing how Lankford can pull at your heartstrings and send your mind into a philosophical tizzy in 140 characters or less.
I feel for him though, being a redhead with the skin tone of a dead fish belly like Lankford. Neither of us will get out to watch the fireworks because the bright lights of the explosions will give us sunburns. We live a rough life.
If only we lived back in the day before fireworks. America used to celebrate on July 3rd by building pyramids with barrels and lighting them on fire. Who knew that once fireworks were the safe alternative?
Here you go Rep. Lankford, a fireworks display safe for our skin.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Ok, it’s over. We’re done and it’s time to pack it all up. With the recent news of Emily Sutton’s engagement, this blog is no longer viable. The Lost Ogle is based on two things: Patrick’s wooing of Emily, and state fair pictures. No institution can stand on only one pillar, and that includes this once mighty blog.
Today I visited the TLO complex to get an advance on my paycheck. I walked in to see Patrick throwing gasoline everywhere like Walter White and Jesse at the laundry facility after Gus Fring died in “Breaking Bad”. He was screaming in tongues, but I was able to make out “Feel free to take all the pens. They don’t need pens in hell!”
Well, I took the pens. I also saved the oil portrait Patrick commissioned of himself that was hanging above his fancy Herman Miller desk chair in his office. Patrick instructed the artist to copy this, but use his own face. The best type of blackmail is the kind that provides you with a retirement pension.
It’s been great writing for The Lost Ogle. The doors this blog has opened for my career are no different than those from being a Wal-Mart door greeter, and I receive fewer benefits, which is really saying something. We will meet again if this blog is up next Friday, so here’s your (possibly last) Friday Night in the Big Town.
By this time next week, I’m sure everyone voted in the primary. With our wide array of choices, everyone will find a candidate who matches their soul to the “t.” It’s democracy at its finest.
As we all know, we judge political candidates on one thing only, the coolness of their website. Take James Lankford’s site. You are greeted by a picture of the Lankford family. As always, we see that Lankford can only make one face, the school yearbook look. He educates you on his stances, history, team, and media links using an endless column of red boxes. It’s like a boring hopscotch from hell.
T.W. Shannon uses another technique to secure your vote. Placed inside the header of every page is a picture of Shannon’s hypnotic stare. No matter what tab you click, there is T.W., and suddenly you wake up. Everything is fine until you realize that every time the air conditioner clicks on, you think “T.W.” Every time your neighbor’s dog barks you think “T.W.” He now owns you.
Randy Brogdon’s website greets you with a picture of his fist. It’s obviously a ploy to make you forget he’s two feet tall. Mike Turner apparently teaches kids about water. That’s an interesting tactic.
Well there you go, all the information you need to decide an important election. Be sure to vote on Tuesday.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town:
As you have probably been told by every website, tweet and status you have come across, today is Friday the 13th. This is a great opportunity for me to celebrate one of my favorite people, horror movie slasher Jason Voorhees.
What I love about Jason is the man is only doing what he believes is right. That being killing people, usually promiscuous teenage campers. I believe I can speak for most of you when I say no one deserves it more. More power to him.
Jason has a job to do. He, like you and I, is working for the man. Jason clocks in and clocks out. Unlike Freddy Kruger, a killer from old money and a total child of the “one percent,” he can’t afford to mess and play games with people. He doesn’t have the “fast toys and faster women” lifestyle that Freddy can afford. Jason is the blue-collared killer, the butcher for the common man, the everyman’s executioner.
That doesn’t mean he no artistic flair. When Jason has a moment, he creates masterpieces of mayhem. Who can forget in Friday the 13th IV: The Final Chapter, Christian Glover’s character “Jimmy” crucified to a door with a hatchet to the face and a corkscrew through his hand? Seeing the man work pulls at your heartstrings and brings a tear to your eye. He’s always making his mother proud.
I dedicate this column to you Jason, for without your efforts I would have never known that you can kill someone by smashing them against a tree while they are in a sleeping bag.
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