As you may have read yesterday, Patrick is sick. He’s says his poor health is the result of Mary Fallin’s re-election, but I have reservations on that claim. He tends to blame a lot of things on the governor. Whether it’s Fallin making us pay for the hot water in her pool and hot tub, risking student lives to decorate her Christmas tree, or not allowing him to read her private emails that she happened to type on public computers, it’s always something with him.
I have deep concern about Patrick’s condition. He confided to me, his closest confidant, that he developed Stendhal Syndrome, a rare disorder that causes a rapid heartbeat, dizziness and fainting when the sufferer is exposed to art they find beautiful.
So let’s take it easy on him. Expect his posts to be worse than usual, but just say to him “That’s good Patrick. Really, really good.” He needs the encouragement. Also, I doubt I will be his confidant after this piece is published.
I suck in every way at Halloween.
I don’t dress up, which means I don’t go to parties because I won’t be dressed up. Second, I’m not invited to parties. I’m even terrible at giving out candy. Since I’m horrific at speaking with kids, my speech when answering the door usually goes like this:
“Oh, hey. Yeah, you want candy right? Ok umm, just grab some out of this cardboard box. No, that isn’t a dog pee stain on the box, whoa, wait nevermind.”
By that time the parents and children are slowly backing away, and I somehow spill the pee box of candy all over myself like the little kids in the ice bucket challenge videos who weren’t strong enough to carry the ice water.
I’m sure by next Saturday I will have tallied another Halloween failure for myself. Maybe I should watch a YouTube video on how it all works.
Here’s your Halloween in the Big Town:
Is it weird to anyone else that the internet is old enough to have nostalgia? I mean, Windows 95 is now the Nintendo Entertainment System of operating systems. Like Nintendo did with home video games, Windows 95 brought internet to the mainstream. The suspense you felt as you listened to the dial-up sound, praying you would connect on the first try was the same as hoping Zelda would load without blowing into the cartridge.
I admit it, i miss flying toaster screen savers, Space Cadet Pinball, and hell, even this sound. Today we are annoyed when Angry Birds takes more than 15 seconds to install from internet that appears out of thin air, but then I would watch the Netscape lighthouse spin, hoping that my 28.8k modem could load the Hamster Dance in 30 seconds to a minute.
Anyways, I guess what this all means is that I’m older, but there was something about the wait of slower internet that made things special, much like how making a mix cassette tape involved some time and passion, unlike sharing a playlist. Oh well, if you need me I’ll be watching a choppy version of Weezer’s “Buddy Holly” video while playing Minesweeper.
NewsOK’s polls are the best. They dig deep into the average Oklahoman’s psyche to see what’s on our minds, our opinions on newsworthy events, and what makes us tick. I cannot live through a day without a dose of the mind-churning reflection these questions provide.
For example, as of this moment, which is way too late, or early Friday morning, our state’s foremost news source asks us this philosophical question:
“Have you been to every county in Oklahoma?”
Did you feel that shockwave of Platonian dialogue in your chest? If you did not, you aren’t truly living. How about this enigmatic question from yesterday?
“Do you like pumpkin pie?”
I bet that one made you question your belief in God. It is said that the critical thinking skills of today’s youth are not properly tested. Yesterday, reports from this same news source said that for the second straight year, Oklahoma ranks number one in student spending cuts.
To that I say “hooray!” We should cut more. Let’s just send our students to the NewsOK poll three times a day and let their mind be blown. Heck, all we will need to provide is a cheap Acer tablet, a half-pint of chocolate milk and a fruit roll-up.
See, it’s fixed. I don’t see what all the commotion is about.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
I noticed something on Twitter yesterday. I, as all of you, follow the other writers on this site. Good, funny people. Salt of the Earth. Well, I’m a big fan of numbers and statistics, so I checked followship numbers of my fellow Oglelites.
It’s obvious that I’m the least liked, but I’m going extreme because it sounds cooler, and say I’m the “most hated.” I’m getting trounced. I’m at a big 147 followers, and I think half of those are the Twitter equivalent of telemarketers. Another third are nail salons who think I’m a great way to get exposure.
It’s ok, Brian Bosworth played the villain, and look where he’s now. I’m not begging for followers, I just thought it is odd that the biggest badass of the site is being overlooked. I’m 140 pounds of blogging mayhem. Actually, I don’t even think you guys could even handle it. Whatever, I’m lucky I can spell correctly and my networking skills are like that of a sloth.
Friday Saturday Night in the Big Town.
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