Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Archive for Gary England – Page 5

Gary England has unblocked us. Order is restored to the universe

In case you missed it, The Lost Ogle went black yesterday. Here’s why:

We have recently learned that Gary England has blocked us on Twitter. We are not sure what we have done to warrant such a move, but in response and as an act of repentance, The Lost Ogle will go black today. This, along with yesterday’s pilgrimage to Seiling, Oklahoma, where we sacrificed three lambs, two of Dean Blevins’ virgin interns and a replica of Mike Morgan’s severe weather tie will hopefully satisfy our Lord and Weather savior.

If you feel that Lord England should forgive The Lost Ogle for any wrongdoings, please ask him to unblock us by contacting him on Twitter via @GaryeOK.

We humbly thank you for your help in this matter.

We’ll keep you advised.

– Patrick

Well, it looks like our prayers were answered. Gary England has unblocked us on Twitter. That means we can now follow the deity of Oklahoma weathermen and get his updates on dry lines, cold fronts and Loretta’s jumping ability. We’d like to thank all the Ogle Moles who contacted Lord Gary. We’d also like to apologize to the families of those Channel 9 interns. They are now in a much better place.

Anyway, as an offering of thanks and atonement, we have written a poem in his honor called  “Ode and Gary England.” We will recite this every Friday night at 10:16 or whenever Gary England cuts in to regularly schedule programming to warn us of danger and disaster. Here it is:

David Payne has balls of steel…

There are a lot of shitty jobs in Oklahoma City – we profiled some of them here – but now it may be time to add David Payne’s photojournalist to the list. Watch this video to see why:

Jesus Christ! That’s some intense stuff. The only thing not in that video was Helen Hunt, a couple of flying cows, and some mean lady on bicycle flying by and turning into a witch.

Anyway, this kind of hurts to say, but I think David Payne has officially surpassed Val as Oklahoma’s best storm chaser. This is like the second time he’s defied death while covering a storm. Now if we can only figure out what happened here.

Also, KFOR totally dominated all the other local channels with their weather coverage and footage on Tuesday. Not only was David Payne out dodging telephone poles, but Chopper 4 provided some great footage of the tornado that hit the Noble area. Hell, they even invented new words like “Elephant Trunk,” “Grinder” and “Maxi Wedge Multi Vortex” to describe the tornadoes. Now if they can just do something about Mike Morgan’s doomsday prognostications and bedazzled Ed Hardy tie, they may be able to take the big leap and surpass Lord England’s crew.

On that note, the coverage on Channel 9 was a bit disappointing. Val couldn’t be found when the storms first hit, the little weatherman in the helicopter was annoying, plus they had some crazed English storm chaser pissing all over himself whenever he saw a tornado. But…they still have Gary England. That’s like having two aces up your sleeve and Micheal Jordan coming off the bench. It’s virtually unstoppable.

Don’t give Gary England an attitude…

We have obtained this video through the Ogle Mole Network.  It displays the wrath of Gary England:

Jump.  Back.  Loretta.  That’s the coolest thing I’ve seen since Clark Matthews’ showed me his vintage collection of Vampire erotica.

Man, Gary looked pissed.  Just imagine how that little staffer felt after being scolded by him.  This would be my reaction:

1.  Relief. He didn’t make you disintegrate on the spot.  That’s nice.

2.  Grief. I get all sad and disappointed when I upset my Grandma.  I can’t imagine what it would be like to upset Gary.  I would rank it somewhere between the time you stole gum from a grocery store and a late-term abortion.

3.  Fear. Once you realize that you upset Gary England you will probably live your life in constant fear of rain, lightning and being crushed by a mountain of teacup sized hail.

Anyway, I wonder what Gary said to the person to make News 9 cut the audio.  Rumor has it that Gary dropped a four letter word that rhymes with “Duck,” but I’m not sure if I buy that.   It was probably something more like “I’ll keep you advised, bitch” or “Suck my doppler radar” instead.

Gary England Drinking Game (Winter Rules Edition)

During last year’s Winter Weather Death Watch, we brought to you the Gary England Drinking Game, Winter Weather Rules edition.  It’s basically like the regular Gary England Drinking Game, but instead of drinking whenever Gary says things like Hook Echo or Wall Cloud, you take a drink whenever Gary says things like Freezing Drizzle or Jackknifed Trailer.

It also inspired Gary to give us a shout out — and help get people drunk — twice.

Anyway, a re-post of the game with some updated rules are after the jump.  Check it out.  Also, check us out TLO  tomorrow as we live blog the excessive wall-to-wall coverage of the winter weather event.

p.s. – If you do play the game, send us video.  Please.

This Must Stop

Alright, who pissed of Gary England?

My guess is it’s this guy whose back now looks like Patrick’s during the brief period of time he was really into body building. Whatever he did to coax the man who controls the weather to pelt him with ice from the sky is having adverse collateral damage to everyone else.

Because everyone is very concerned, Matthews Manor was in the line of the storm. In fact, I’m pretty sure that when I turned on my TV to watch game one of the Eastern Conference finals, the arrow Rick Mitchell was drawing from Kingfisher was pointed directly at my house.

The thing was, at that time, the temperature was about eighty degrees, it was so sunny outside that my skin had chastized me for sweeping the front porch five minutes earlier, and there was hardly any breeze. Thirty minutes later, I was restricting the ClarkPupp (who, for the first time in his life, demanded to play next to the picture window) to the sofa while the gods used my property as a driving range.

I actually got off kind of lucky. My six month old roof, and gutters are dented to hell, but my giant tree limited the amount of hail damage to my car and kept any windows from being broken out. One of my side mirrors got busted, though, so Gary is going to have to deal with those seven years of bad luck.

Afterward, the ground was covered in healthy looking leaves, sticks, and a thick coating of ice that created enough steam to make Oklahoma City look like Tim Burton’s vision of Sleepy Hollow.  The goth kids in town were as excited as Chad when Cinemax runs a free preview weekend.

After half a day of cleaning up storm debris, though, you would hardly be able to tell that the sky opened up on us, at all, if it weren’t for the army of roofing contractors deluging the neighborhood including a single engine plane flying a sign a hundred feet overhead. Except now, there is even more severe weather headed this way. Something must be done. We must appease Lord Gary.

So, in the comment section, I invite you to massage the ego of our most powerful weather forecaster. Otherwise, we might have a snownado next week during an earthquake.