Earlier this week, Talkers Magazine — the “leading trade publication serving the talk radio industry in America” — unveiled their rankings of the 100 Most Important Sports Talk Radio Hosts in America. Coming in the 66-spot, ahead of such household names a JT “The Brick,” Lee “Hacksaw” Hamilton, and Steve “Homer” True was our very own “Regular” Jim Traber.
Here’s what they wrote about the ultimate yardbird:
Regular Jim Traber is kind of fragile. During the holiday season, he was admitted to the ICU because of a clogged artery. This came about three and half years after he spent a few weeks in the hospital due to an exploded colon. He also suffers from a variety of other ailments and conditions like gout, tomfoolery and narcissistic personality disorder.
If Regular Jim were a normal person, you’d think his health problems would lead to some sort of awakening. That maybe he’d eat better, exercise more and quit smoking illegal Cuban cigars. But Regular Jim Traber is not a normal person. He’s invincible! He’s the ultimate! And he’s the new spokesperson for Mazzio’s Pizza.
Here’s the commercial:
I’m not sure where he found it, but an Ogle Mole sent us this picture of Jim Traber sleeping in a dorm room. Something tells me Trabes was probably tired from “giving it up to himself” all day long.
What a weird picture. For one, I think this photo officially puts white cargo shorts in the same “coolness” category as jorts and mandals. And what’s the girl in black doing? She’s probably waiting for Regular Jim to roll on his side so she can steal his golden goose, get out of the room, and climb back down the beanstalk to safety!
Anyway, while we’re on the topic of the King of the Yardbirds, it’s probably a good time to bring up a couple of recent life events the Ultimate has gone through. One of them is that he was admitted to hospital recently due to a clogged artery (seriously) from all the Johnsonville brats, Jersey Mike’s cheesesteaks and Beachnut chew he’s devoured over his lifetime. The other thing is that one of his adopted daughters had a baby, thus making Regular Jim Traber a first-time grandpa.
Famed physicist Stephen Hawking once stated that he believes life is created when matter is put in the right environmental conditions. It’s a logical, overly simple, scientific explanation to one of the universe’s great mysteries. It doesn’t, however, explain this:
Yes, that’s a painting of a Regular Jim Traber WBNA basketball card. In case you care, that sound you just heard was the universe collapsing and all matter becoming one within itself.
That’s just awesome. The painting was made by some guy named Drew Cooper. I’m not sure if he’s a serious artist or not, but he may just be the next van Gogh or Picasso. What he did was amazing. There are only a few people in the world who can take something as unwatchable as the WNBA and something as unlistenable as Regular Jim Traber and combine them into a tantalizingly beautiful artwork. If Drew were my son, that basketball card would be on my refrigerator right now.
Anyway, we have reached out to Drew to see if he can make other pieces of ironic Oklahoma pop art for us. Maybe something like Sally Kern dancing underneath a rainbow at the Copa or Steve Lackmeyer attacking downtown Oklahoma City like a monster in Rampage. Either one would work.
We all know that Jim Traber likes to preach about who does and does not belong in the Baseball Hall of Fame. However, it wasn’t until an alert Ogle Mole pointed this out to us that we understood where “The Ultimate” got his right to judge.
He has been inducted in to the Baseball Hall of Fame.
According to Jim’s bio on his pathetic little website:
I feel honored that I was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in the first year of its existence.
This is amazing news. Not only did Jim parlay his .227 career batting average into the greatest honor the sport of baseball can bestow, they inducted him 22 years before he was born along with Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Christy Mathewson, Walter Johnson, and Honus Wagner.
An extensive look at the National Baseball Hall of Fame’s website, however, failed to turn up a picture of Traber’s plaque. I’m starting to wonder if Trabes isn’t inflating his resume a bit. At this point, I am starting to wonder if he even knows Hunter Mahan, or if the heavy metal band Quiet Riot ever invited him to a concert in Japan.
Or maybe he was inducted for his ingenuity in the art of breaking in mitts and they just haven’t put that on the website.
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