Last Friday, KFOR posted a story on its Facebook page about how President Obama would be using the Lincoln Bible for today’s unofficial inauguration ceremony. It’s the same Lincoln Bible that Obama used during his first inauguration four years ago.
Here’s a screenshot of their post:
So you may be asking yourself, “Why would an Oklahoma City news channel post something like this to its Facebook wall? What’s the news value? Who cares?”
The answer to that is one word: Derplahomans.
You know who Derplahomans are. They’re those ignorant people who think Obama is Muslim communist dictator, want prayer (and guns) allowed in public schools, and think gay people are the biggest threat to the country. They live around you, work around you, and vote for all the bat-shit crazies that run this state.
Anyway, when KFOR posted the Lincoln Bible story, they did so with one intention: to rally the Derplahomans and generate “conversation” on the station’s Facebook page. And boy did it work. As of this writing, there were nearly 482 comments on the post. I’d say 70% were posted by Derplahomans who oppose the president, 15% by normal people who oppose the president, and 15% of people who support the president. I spent my Sunday afternoon highlighting the 25 best posts by the derps in that 70%. All of these posts are real, and I assume most were written by people from their Cricket wireless phone while waiting in line for cigarettes at Wal-Mart.
Anyway, let’s start with the crazies who would like to see our president assassinated.
If you’re going to suggest that a guy be assassinated, at least have the common courtesy to spell ‘assassinated’ correctly.
Yeah, I guess the rule above also goes for people who “pray” for assassination. Which by the way, is such a positive, Christian thing to do.
These were the only two people who openly suggested – or prayed – that our president be shot and killed. Other people went the classy route and suggested he view a play at Ford’s Theater instead:
We don’t write about Chellie Mills as often as we should. This is for several reasons:
1. She’s a morning anchor. That means she’s on TV while I’m sound asleep in bed dreaming about picking watermelons with Joleen Chaney.
2. Her name sounds like a brand of spicy corn flour you’d by at a Mexican supermarket (or Whole Foods)
3. She worked for Brady Brus when he owned KSBI. Making fun of someone who had Brady Brus as a boss is disrespectful. It would be like making fun of a war veteran, disabled child or someone who works for Vince Orza.
All that being said, some things just have to be written about. For example, when Chellie Mills calls some lady dildo during a cooking segment:
Last night a high-ranking Ogle Mole texted me the following pic of Al Eschbach hanging out at Hooters by himself. If you had to sum up Al Eschbach in one picture, this would probably be it:
Hands on the table, sir. Both hands on the table.
So, quick admission. I’ve turned into the guy who likes to catch an occasional movie matinée by myself. I’ve been assured by several people that this activity isn’t too weird. I kind of enjoy it. The ticket cost less, and the theater is generally empty enough that don’t have to worry about crying babies or annoying teenagers ruining the film. Plus, you can check your phone without bothering anyone. As a “professional” blogger, that’s a bonus. Hell, I may go catch Zero Dark Thirty later today just for the hell of it.
That being said, I pray that being loner movie guy isn’t the first step towards becoming the old creepy guy who goes to places like Hooters and strip clubs by myself and talks to some slutty girl about my life problems and their “college studies.” Please please please don’t let it spiral to that point! Doing things like that are okay when you’re out-of-town on a business trip, but doing it in your hometown is as dirty and depressing as listening to Al Eschbach on the radio.
By the way, I made that mistake yesterday. It’s kind of sad how the guy just mails it in now. He used to be good in the 1980s. At least I think he was. That’s what my grandpa tells me. So I was driving home from Norman around 4pm and decided to listen to what they had to say about the Manti Te’o ordeal. It was terrible. After Jim and Al did their “which car dealership” are you at routine, Jim asked Al if he heard the big news. Al kind of played along and went into dated “jokes” about the girl’s name (Was it ‘Elvira’), where they met (Ever been to Singapore?), or something like that. You know the drill. Then Jim brought up Deadspin and you could tell Al really didn’t know what that was (Do they list dead people. Ever seen a dead midget?!). At that point I sighed and switched over to Lithium on XM. I think they were playing Kid Rock. Usually, hearing a Kid Rock song is the worst thing that can happen to you in a day, but at that moment, it was as clean, pure and refreshing as an Emily Sutton bubble bath surrounded by aroma therapy candles. By the way, I’m pretty sure Emily hates me now. You’re welcome, Moles.
Anyway, sorry about that depressing story and extremely long paragraph. If you have a funny caption for the photo, leave one in the comments. The best caption will win three of these:
Yesterday, lost in all the Manti Te’o fake dead girlfriend hubbub, was this other report from DeadSpin. Former Midwest City High School standout turned L.A. Dodger All-Star turned Rihanna boyfriend Matt Kemp got a tattoo of his deceased grandparents sunk into his chest. And when I write “a tattoo of his deceased grandparents sunk into his chest,” I mean it.
Check it out:
Two weeks ago, we called out KOCO Chief Meteorologist Damon Lane for hyping on the Channel 5 website that record cold temperatures “may” be making their way to Oklahoma City on January 17th.
In a post titled “January is About to Get Incredibly Cold,” Damon wrote:
The image above comes from the GFS model. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, this is a model that goes out 2 weeks, how accurate can it be? And I am with you on this one…
So, what is this image above telling me? This map shows the temperature departure from normal. The purple shading, which is over Oklahoma, means temperatures about 40 degrees below normal on January 17th at 6 a.m. Just for fun, if we did the math, this would mean that Oklahoma City that morning would have a morning low temperature of about 15 degrees below zero. That would almost be a record low for the city as the coldest temperature ever in OKC is -17.
Do I believe this? It’s tough to believe that exact number there although anything is possible.
Well, today is January 17th. Let’s put his dire (yet on the fence) prediction to the test and see how cold it’s going to be today. Remember, “anything is possible.”
From the KOCO website:
Thanks! Your message has been sent!