The baby-faced Chris Hansen impersonator pictured above is State Rep Aaron Stiles. He’s one of the more colorful / bat-shit crazy members of the Derplahoman caucus of the Oklahoma State House.
Recently, Stiles went to Facebook to complain about the Baphomet statue that the Satanic Temple wants to build at the Capitol. In a status update, he blames the entire thing on atheists and then calls them out for not contributing anything to our state’s culture.
Check it out:
Whenever I read any comment from Sally Kern in the newspaper, I like to shape my hand into the form of a gun, point it to my head, and then pretend to blow my brains out. Or, I’ll just act that I’m holding a rope over my head and hanging myself. Usually one of the two.
Now, thanks to some legislation that Sally’s introduced for the 2014 legislative session, children from across our great state may have the freedoms and protections under the law to do the very same thing.
State Rep. Sally Kern wants to make it illegal for an Oklahoma school official to punish a student for brandishing a partially eaten pastry in the shape of a weapon.
Kern said she was motivated to author a bill prohibiting punishment of students who sculpt pastries into the shape of weapons by an incident last March in which an 8-year-old Maryland boy was suspended from school for chewing a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun.
Kern said she’s not aware of any Oklahoma student ever being punished for such conduct, but she wants to make sure it doesn’t happen here.
“As adults, let’s not stir up problems and end up having on a child’s school record some kind of incident like this,” she said.
Yeah, as adults let’s not stir up problems. You know, like comparing homosexuals to terrorists, claiming that all black people are lazy, and /or introducing pointless, headline grabbing legislation for problems that don’t exist.
Here’s a list of playful, innocent, totally real actions that will be protected if the bill were to pass:
(Update: The girls pictured with Ed requested that we take down the photo or else their “lawyers” – yes, lawyers – would be contacting us. They don’t have any legal ground to stand on, but we’re nice guys and decided to update the photo with images that are more reflective of their personalities. You can view the original photo here.)
Something tells me that Ed Shadid would totally be okay with the Lingerie Football League coming to town.
In response to The Oklahoman’s determined pursuit of his divorce records – and just weeks after admitting to being a recovering stoner – Shadid admitted in an exclusive interview with the Oklahoma Gazette that he’s tried cocaine, was addicted to Internet porn, and once got angry and kicked a hole in the wall during an argument with his now ex-wife.
Yes, you read that right, the Gazette broke a relevant local news story. Are we in 1998 or something? Are they also going to bring back the angry old man who wrote movie reviews and make the “Best Of” fun again? Probably not. I bet it was just a one time thing.
Here are the juicy details:
Back in October, Mary Fallin launched her 2014 re-election campaign. Here were my Oglestradamus’ish thoughts at the time:
Does it really matter? This lady’s going to win. She knows it, we know it, they know it and you know it. She could cuss out Andrew Speno, dye her hair pink and get caught doing coke with Wayne Coyne in the Blue Note bathroom and still coast to an easy victory. The only way she loses this thing is if zombies take over the world. Actually, that probably wouldn’t even matter. Zombies love Mary Fallin…
This is shaping up to be the most boring gubernatorial election since 1998 when Keating defeated Denise Boyd. At least I think that’s who it was. I’m too lazy to look it up. The last few elections haven’t been very close, but at least they had established name candidates in Jari Askins and Ernest Istook. The Democratic field is so weak this year that Joe Dorman could throw his hat into the ring (just kidding, we know he wouldn’t take off his hat) and he’d probably win the Democratic nomination. That wouldn’t be too bad. At least we’d get a couple of Joleen Chaney watermelon pics.
I guess it’s time to arm the watermelons. Joe Dorman has taken the first big step towards a 2014 gubernatorial run. He’s asked Kera Philippi to recruit an all female force of elite state troopers to be his bodyguards. He’s also formed an exploratory committee.
From a Joe Dorman press release:
The lady pictured above is Patrice Douglas. When she’s not pretending to be a lonely wife mourning the loss of a husband, she serves as one of our state’s three corporation commissioners. She was appointed to the position by Mary Fallin in 2011.
Here’s a little bit about Patrice from her website:
As a conservative Republican, I bring common sense and private sector experience to the Corporation Commission.
I was born in Oklahoma, and this has been my home for most of my life. I attended Putnam City North High School, and Oklahoma Christian University. I then went to the University of Oklahoma College of Law, where I received my law degree in 1987. After working as a lawyer, I helped run my family’s company. This path led me to banking, where I served as both a President and Executive Vice President.
I married Brent shortly after graduating from law school, and we have been married for 23 years. Brent has two engineering degrees and an MBA, and is currently the President of Giant Partners. Together, we have two great sons, Patrick (a high school junior) and Phillip (8th grade). Family and faith come first, and we are active in LifeChurch.
I am a firm believer that being a Mom is my best qualification. The real-life experience, of parenting two teen-age sons, simply cannot be replaced by any professional resume’.
So she’s a lawyer, banker, and politician that runs on a “family and faith” platform. That’s great. She’s basically everything you don’t trust rolled into one giant OG&E cutoff notice. It doesn’t really matter, though. All a corporation commissioner does is promote natural gas and protect the interests of utilities over those of the consumer. She seems qualified for that.
Anyway, an Ogle Mole recently emailed us a scan of the Douglas’ 2013 Christmas card. It’s the one she sent to her friends, family and fellow underground militia members:
Check it out:
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