I once thought it would be pretty sweet to be a dog. You’d have a super sense of smell, be able to lick yourself and poop practically anywhere without the threat of being put on some weird sex-offender list. The benefits are endless.
But being a dog in Oklahoma also has its downsides. You just need to watch the local news to figure that out. It seems like you can’t go a day without seeing some heartbreaking story about a dog being abused by some asshole.
In addition to sensational stories of abuse highlighted by the media, there are other reasons why it would suck to be a dog in Oklahoma. Here are 10 of them:
1.) Your remains are only worth $5, and that’s only if you have all your teeth.
The city of Duncan sells their euthanized dogs and cats to science. The city receives $5 for an adult dog, as long as it has all its teeth. The money goes into the city’s general fund, so if you live in Duncan and want to raise some money for the city, don’t spay or neuter your pets.
2.) You could be forced to live next to the Purina Plant in Edmond.
I’m sure it’s great to be a dog in Edmond, except for the fact that you would have to smell the Purina plant making delicious smelling dog food all day. That would be like being stuck in a prison that was next to a Krispy Kreme.
As you may or may not know, I recently became the father of an actual human child. That’s right, on June 13, 2014 my wife gave birth to 6 lbs. 10 ounces of ginger… and they say gingers are going extinct.
I realize it’s only been one month, but I’ve learned a lot in that short time. I thought I’d share some of that with you:
1.) The only thing you need to leave the hospital with your baby is a car seat.
I found this quite strange. They were very concerned with our car seat. They didn’t give a shit about the actual car, or where we were taking this baby. I think you should have to take a test before taking a baby home. Nothing crazy, just a few true or false questions. Like: True or False – Did the Holocaust happen. True or False – are some races superior to others? If you can’t pass the test, the hospital can legally sell your baby to a family that won’t damage its brain.
2.) Having a child makes life a lot less stressful.
I mean, how worked up can you get if someone is being an asshole when you started the day by literally getting shit on.
I hope everyone had a fun and safe 4th of July. I spent mine making sure my 3-week old baby stayed alive. If you weren’t watching an infant, I hope you made your way to one of Oklahoma’s awesome lakes. Oklahoma has some great lakes to visit, all of them created with the help of dams. Oklahoma has over 200 “lakes.” Most of them are shit, like, Holdenville Lake or Shawnee Lake. Those aren’t party lakes. You only go to those lakes if you’re current on your TB shots and lost your will to live.
So I decided to rank Oklahoma’s lakes, and let you know what is good, and not so good about them.
For the record, this is a completely comprehensive list. I have accounted for every possible factor. This post has been peer-reviewed by the brilliant scientist at New Dominion.
So here we go:
If you haven’t heard, one of our elected officials is a genetically engineered robot. This got us thinking. What if there are more Oklahoma robots out there???
Here are seven people who may also be robots:
7. Terrell’s Roofing Guy
Why he’s a robot: Because someone has plugged Fox News talking points into his hard drive and he’s regurgitating them during his commercials for aluminium siding.
Why he isn’t a robot: Because if regurgitating what you heard on conservative talk radio/tv made you a robot, 90% of Oklahoma would be robots.
6. Amanda Taylor
Why she’s a robot: Her interviews with “Oklahoma Country Music Legends” and “Rising Nashville Stars” are robot caliber.
Why she isn’t a robot: She didn’t short circuit when she saved that baby from drowning in the Northpark mall fountain.
Last week, the folks at Channel 5 got a little bored and decided to break state law and ask if their readers speak Oklahoman. In case you’re not familiar, Oklahoman is the ebonics for conservative Christians.
If you literally have nothing to do and want to burn your eyes, hop over to Facebook and check out the 1,705 comments. You’ll see the same crap being posted over and over again by people who think they are clever sharing their Oklahoma’isms. While it’s nice to see words that are distinct to Oklahoma and the region, regular words don’t mean the same thing in Oklahoma as they do in the rest of the country. Many seemingly straight-forward words have a completely different meaning in Oklahoma.
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