As you may or may not know, I recently became the father of an actual human child. That’s right, on June 13, 2014 my wife gave birth to 6 lbs. 10 ounces of ginger… and they say gingers are going extinct.
I realize it’s only been one month, but I’ve learned a lot in that short time. I thought I’d share some of that with you:
1.) The only thing you need to leave the hospital with your baby is a car seat.
I found this quite strange. They were very concerned with our car seat. They didn’t give a shit about the actual car, or where we were taking this baby. I think you should have to take a test before taking a baby home. Nothing crazy, just a few true or false questions. Like: True or False – Did the Holocaust happen. True or False – are some races superior to others? If you can’t pass the test, the hospital can legally sell your baby to a family that won’t damage its brain.
2.) Having a child makes life a lot less stressful.
I mean, how worked up can you get if someone is being an asshole when you started the day by literally getting shit on.
I hope everyone had a fun and safe 4th of July. I spent mine making sure my 3-week old baby stayed alive. If you weren’t watching an infant, I hope you made your way to one of Oklahoma’s awesome lakes. Oklahoma has some great lakes to visit, all of them created with the help of dams. Oklahoma has over 200 “lakes.” Most of them are shit, like, Holdenville Lake or Shawnee Lake. Those aren’t party lakes. You only go to those lakes if you’re current on your TB shots and lost your will to live.
So I decided to rank Oklahoma’s lakes, and let you know what is good, and not so good about them.
For the record, this is a completely comprehensive list. I have accounted for every possible factor. This post has been peer-reviewed by the brilliant scientist at New Dominion.
So here we go:
If you haven’t heard, one of our elected officials is a genetically engineered robot. This got us thinking. What if there are more Oklahoma robots out there???
Here are seven people who may also be robots:
7. Terrell’s Roofing Guy
Why he’s a robot: Because someone has plugged Fox News talking points into his hard drive and he’s regurgitating them during his commercials for aluminium siding.
Why he isn’t a robot: Because if regurgitating what you heard on conservative talk radio/tv made you a robot, 90% of Oklahoma would be robots.
6. Amanda Taylor
Why she’s a robot: Her interviews with “Oklahoma Country Music Legends” and “Rising Nashville Stars” are robot caliber.
Why she isn’t a robot: She didn’t short circuit when she saved that baby from drowning in the Northpark mall fountain.
Last week, the folks at Channel 5 got a little bored and decided to break state law and ask if their readers speak Oklahoman. In case you’re not familiar, Oklahoman is the ebonics for conservative Christians.
If you literally have nothing to do and want to burn your eyes, hop over to Facebook and check out the 1,705 comments. You’ll see the same crap being posted over and over again by people who think they are clever sharing their Oklahoma’isms. While it’s nice to see words that are distinct to Oklahoma and the region, regular words don’t mean the same thing in Oklahoma as they do in the rest of the country. Many seemingly straight-forward words have a completely different meaning in Oklahoma.
Did you know OKC’s H & 8th “Night Market” is America’s biggest food truck event? At least that’s what it says on their website.
I’ve been to a few H&8th’s and I’ve enjoyed some of the food from many vendors, but I can’t figure out why OKC has such a boner for food trucks. The food is fine. It’s edible and hasn’t given me diarrhea yet, two things I look for in my meals.
NewsOK.com recently touched on this obsession in a story about a food truck reality show that was filming in OKC, but didn’t film during H&8th. How can any credible show about food trucks film in OKC and not get some footage about “America’s biggest food truck event?” Instead they had some trucks from other cities around the country come to OKC to compete.
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