Halloween is upon us, and unless you’re diabetic, it’s one of the funnest holidays of the year!
I used to enjoy having an excuse to check out girls in slutty outfits and drink and eat candy, but now that I have a kid I assume my Halloweens will be filled with making sure people aren’t putting razor blades in food. I also have to stay vigilant against all the pedophiles that are apparently dressed like Iron Man.
So for the people out there who are still free to go out and party, Patrick and I want to give you some ideas on what Oklahoma-themed costumes to wear. Wear them to your party, the Halloween Parade, or whatever you’ll be doing while I’m at home checking candy…
Vampire Native Hipster Boo Boo
The only thing better than shitting on the sanctity of marriage by being married and divorced multiple times in a year, is shitting on the culture of Native Americans. It’s a pretty easy costume, just paint your face as white as a vampire and put on a sacred headdress.
Go to Walmart and buy the best OU or OSU apparel you can find. Then go around telling everyone that you are a Christian while at the same time condemning all Muslims. You know, just like Jesus!
While most of you were watching Thursday Night Football or Scandal last night, I took in a gubernatorial debate that featured Mary Fallin bumbling through stock answers with a shiny diamond cross around her neck and Joe Dorman trying to recall facts and figures with a shiny bald head on his head.
As a loyal service to our TLO readers, I thought I’d spend a couple of minutes to provide a recap of the questions, answers and share other random thoughts. Check it out. Despite my preference for Dorman, and the fact that I served as the personal assistant for Governor Henry, I have been completely fair and balanced in my summary of their responses.
Here we go!
Question 1: How do we fix the teacher crisis and education system?
Joe Dorman: We shouldn’t give 3rd graders tests and we should give more money to education.
Mary Fallin: I have never met Janet Barresi, and I have given more money to education this year. Remember when the economy collapsed? Yeah, now that it’s all better I will give more money to schools. But I’m going to keep the A-F school grading systems. Again, I don’t know Janet Barressi. And also the economic recovery had nothing to do with Obama.
p.s. – The audio and video was kind of screwy… OSU A/V club needs to get their shit together or let the OU kids have a crack at it. Also, the moderator seemed more nervous than the candidates. I would crap my pants too if I was in the same room as these two political powerhouses.
Last week, we reported that KSBI Channel 52 cancelled its local programming and fired most of its on-air and production staff. Included in the report, we published some emails that alluded to the station possibly being for sale.
Well, apparently David Griffin read our post, because he announced yesterday that Griffin Communications – the owner of News 9 – is buying the fledgling UHF channel. From an email Griffin sent to staff:
I am pleased to announce we have signed an agreement to buy KSBI from Family Broadcasting Group.
Creating a duopoly in Oklahoma City has long been part of our strategy. This will be similar to the duopoly we have in Tulsa. Our plan is to focus on improving KSBI programming while integrating operations into our current structure and facilities.
In addition, this purchase fits perfectly with our corporate strategy of focusing on media within the state of Oklahoma, and it will allow more flexibility for flipping of CBS and syndicated programming during breaking news and severe weather.
The sale is expected to close later this year once we receive final approval from the FCC and we will take over operations at that time. Tony Welch will lead an integration team that includes representatives from all departments.
If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out to Tony.
That’s cool. I sure am glad Mr. Griffin reads this website, otherwise this sale would never have happened and Vince Orza would still be drawing up new programming ideas with crayons on old unused Garfield’s tablecloths. That wouldn’t end well.
Anyway, since Mr. Griffin is looking for new shows, Spencer and I came up with a list of some locally produced programs we’d like to see on the channel they should call Freedom 52. If someone can forward this to Tony Welch, we’d appreciate it.
Here they are:
1. Win Kelly Ogle’s 2 Cents!
It’ll be like Win Ben Stein’s Money, except you have to guess Kelly’s opinion on such topics as: Vegans, ISIS, and FUPA’s. The winner is awarded $0.02, which after taxes is about $0.01. – Spencer
2. The Lovers Lounge with Playboy Joe Dorman
Looking to impress that single lady at the bar? Want to know the perfect way to talk your girlfriend into a threesome? Are you a lonely fireman who’s feeling a strong disconnect from your fiance? Get answers to those questions and more with Freedom 52′s late night talk show – The Lovers Lounge with Playboy Joe Dorman. Each week, the Playboy politician and a special guest will answer your emails and phone calls by offer dating advice and sexy bedroom tips. It will be sponsored by Patricia’s. – Patrick
Some people enjoy stealing… especially when they want something and they don’t wanna pay for it. This is especially true in Oklahoma. In fact, this past weekend a comic friend of mine had his car stolen while he was at an open mic in Bricktown. How shitty is that? And yes, I’m referring to the car and not an open mic in Bricktown.
I’m not sure why people steal. I assume it depends on the person and their situation. Some steal for the rush, some steal because they are in need, some steal to afford an addiction, and some steal because their neighbor doesn’t have a Wi-Fi password. Hey, if you’re not going to protect it, I’m going to use it. I guess that’s not really stealing, is it?
Anyway, here’s a very scientific and comprehensive list of seven things Oklahomans love to steal:
1.) Basketball teams
Get over it Sonic fans, a group of rich dudes bought the team from another rich dude. You can be upset at the rich dudes for screwing you out of a basketball team, but stop being upset at the fans who love them now. I get it though, it’s like getting a divorce and then having to watch your ex become super successful, while you sit at home in your underwear, eating frosting from the can, sob-yelling at the TV, “We drafted KD!”
Fantasy football season is almost here. For those who play, you are probably getting ready for your draft and TLO is here to help. Instead of paying good money on crap from so-called “experts,” how about you keep your money and follow my rules to winning your league this season. First off, you probably want to know what makes me so damned qualified to give advice. Well, I won a 12-team college fantasy league twice and have always finished in the top 10 of my pro football fantasy leagues , so suck on that Matt Berry!
I love fantasy football. There are few things better than lying around all day on Sunday and watching football until your eyes bleed. I love talking crap to my friends. I love keeping up with the stats and playing the waiver wire. I love everything about it.
Some of this advice is just for giggles, but some of it is actually good. So let’s get started:
1.) Team Name
A great team name is important, maybe even the most important factor in fantasy football success. The team name I have used for the last two seasons is, “The Tickle Biscuits.” I like it because it doesn’t rely on sports related news that will be old and played out by the end of the season. But for those of you who enjoy team names like that, you will probably have some team names that involve Ray Rice punching a woman, or Josh Gordon smoking weed.
Are you a fan of Arrested Development? Then how about, “BobLobLaw’s Schaub Lob Log.” Do you enjoy the team names that take a player’s name and make it dirty? I suggest, “Wilfork on First Date,” and “Robert Sniffin the Turd.” Are you a Game of Thrones fan? How about, “Demaryius Stormborn.” That’s pretty f*@king clever if you ask me. And if you want your team name to involve a little bit of trash talking, I’ve seen the team name, “Off In Church.” When asked why that is your team named, you reply, “because nobody beats Off In Church.” Funny, huh?
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