Some people enjoy stealing… especially when they want something and they don’t wanna pay for it. This is especially true in Oklahoma. In fact, this past weekend a comic friend of mine had his car stolen while he was at an open mic in Bricktown. How shitty is that? And yes, I’m referring to the car and not an open mic in Bricktown.
I’m not sure why people steal. I assume it depends on the person and their situation. Some steal for the rush, some steal because they are in need, some steal to afford an addiction, and some steal because their neighbor doesn’t have a Wi-Fi password. Hey, if you’re not going to protect it, I’m going to use it. I guess that’s not really stealing, is it?
Anyway, here’s a very scientific and comprehensive list of seven things Oklahomans love to steal:
1.) Basketball teams
Get over it Sonic fans, a group of rich dudes bought the team from another rich dude. You can be upset at the rich dudes for screwing you out of a basketball team, but stop being upset at the fans who love them now. I get it though, it’s like getting a divorce and then having to watch your ex become super successful, while you sit at home in your underwear, eating frosting from the can, sob-yelling at the TV, “We drafted KD!”
Fantasy football season is almost here. For those who play, you are probably getting ready for your draft and TLO is here to help. Instead of paying good money on crap from so-called “experts,” how about you keep your money and follow my rules to winning your league this season. First off, you probably want to know what makes me so damned qualified to give advice. Well, I won a 12-team college fantasy league twice and have always finished in the top 10 of my pro football fantasy leagues , so suck on that Matt Berry!
I love fantasy football. There are few things better than lying around all day on Sunday and watching football until your eyes bleed. I love talking crap to my friends. I love keeping up with the stats and playing the waiver wire. I love everything about it.
Some of this advice is just for giggles, but some of it is actually good. So let’s get started:
1.) Team Name
A great team name is important, maybe even the most important factor in fantasy football success. The team name I have used for the last two seasons is, “The Tickle Biscuits.” I like it because it doesn’t rely on sports related news that will be old and played out by the end of the season. But for those of you who enjoy team names like that, you will probably have some team names that involve Ray Rice punching a woman, or Josh Gordon smoking weed.
Are you a fan of Arrested Development? Then how about, “BobLobLaw’s Schaub Lob Log.” Do you enjoy the team names that take a player’s name and make it dirty? I suggest, “Wilfork on First Date,” and “Robert Sniffin the Turd.” Are you a Game of Thrones fan? How about, “Demaryius Stormborn.” That’s pretty f*@king clever if you ask me. And if you want your team name to involve a little bit of trash talking, I’ve seen the team name, “Off In Church.” When asked why that is your team named, you reply, “because nobody beats Off In Church.” Funny, huh?
School is starting up all across Oklahoma. That means kids are making new friends, parents have more free time, and teachers are forced to get off their lazy asses and get back to work.
To get in the “Back to School” spirit, I have compiled a list of school supplies every Oklahoma student needs to have a great year at school and hopefully learn to read beyond a third grade level.
1. Bulletproof Tornado Blankets
People are being shot by tornadoes at an alarming rate. These fantastic “blankets” will keep your kids safe from being shot by a tornado.
As the teacher above seemed to prove, it is very important to wear pants to school.
I once thought it would be pretty sweet to be a dog. You’d have a super sense of smell, be able to lick yourself and poop practically anywhere without the threat of being put on some weird sex-offender list. The benefits are endless.
But being a dog in Oklahoma also has its downsides. You just need to watch the local news to figure that out. It seems like you can’t go a day without seeing some heartbreaking story about a dog being abused by some asshole.
In addition to sensational stories of abuse highlighted by the media, there are other reasons why it would suck to be a dog in Oklahoma. Here are 10 of them:
1.) Your remains are only worth $5, and that’s only if you have all your teeth.
The city of Duncan sells their euthanized dogs and cats to science. The city receives $5 for an adult dog, as long as it has all its teeth. The money goes into the city’s general fund, so if you live in Duncan and want to raise some money for the city, don’t spay or neuter your pets.
2.) You could be forced to live next to the Purina Plant in Edmond.
I’m sure it’s great to be a dog in Edmond, except for the fact that you would have to smell the Purina plant making delicious smelling dog food all day. That would be like being stuck in a prison that was next to a Krispy Kreme.
As you may or may not know, I recently became the father of an actual human child. That’s right, on June 13, 2014 my wife gave birth to 6 lbs. 10 ounces of ginger… and they say gingers are going extinct.
I realize it’s only been one month, but I’ve learned a lot in that short time. I thought I’d share some of that with you:
1.) The only thing you need to leave the hospital with your baby is a car seat.
I found this quite strange. They were very concerned with our car seat. They didn’t give a shit about the actual car, or where we were taking this baby. I think you should have to take a test before taking a baby home. Nothing crazy, just a few true or false questions. Like: True or False – Did the Holocaust happen. True or False – are some races superior to others? If you can’t pass the test, the hospital can legally sell your baby to a family that won’t damage its brain.
2.) Having a child makes life a lot less stressful.
I mean, how worked up can you get if someone is being an asshole when you started the day by literally getting shit on.
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