Not only did the Oklahoma City Thunder lose one hell of a basketball player on Saturday night, but they also got rid of one of the greatest pop culture icons to ever capture this city in James Harden’s beard.
I’ve never seen this town become so fixated on one object. Launched by cool (and now discounted) t-shirts and sparked by a viral video made by the whitest people in the world, the beard became a local pop culture phenomenon. It reached it’s climax during the Thunder’s 2012 NBA Finals run. Everyone wore fake beards and posted pics of them to their Facebook walls. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think the entire city was going to a stoning. One shopping center owner covered his building with a giant beard. Hell, James Harden’s became so popular that I got all hipstery and begged for it stop. I was concerned it would become overexposed. I guess we don’t have to worry about that ever happening.
Even though the magic and popularity of James Harden’s beard well never be matched, we decided to come up with a list of 11 possible replacements. None of these suggestions will match the furry goodness that was The Beard, and I doubt opponents will ever fear them, but maybe they’ll inspire a very white viral video or a funny t-shirt.
Here they are:
11. Kendrick Perkin’s Old Man Goattee
If James Harden’s beard was the Devon Tower, then Kendrick Perkin’s old man goatee would be a new Braum’s. You can’t even compare the two.
10. Jeremy Lamb’s abnormally small head
You know what’s funny. When I first saw the trade report on my phone, I was so worked up from the OU game that I misread Jeremy Lamb is Jeremy Lin. My reaction was “Holy Fuck.” Then I sobered up, re-read the post and saw it was Jeremy Lamb. Then my reaction was “Who?”
Anyway, after going back and reading pre-draft scouting reports and draft night grades, I’m pretty convinced that Jeremy Lamb is going to be a great fit for the Thunder. Mind you, I read all those reports while drinking orange and blue vodka Kool-Aid, but still, the guy should be a key contributor in a few years and give the Thunder more flexibility in match-ups. That being said, what’s going on in that pic? Is his head that small or did they give him the largest hat ever made? I’m confused.
By the time you read this, The Day After Tomorrow will manifest itself in reality on the East Coast. New York City is about to get hit with 75 MPH winds, 8 inches of rain, and a six-foot storm surge. Or, as Oklahomans call it, April.
Here’s the Week 9 Power Poll for one of the biggest sports night’s in our state history:
10) Second Verse, Same as the First
Seems to be a pattern developing here. A good to great, fundamentally sound, well-coached team outlasts the Oklahoma Sooners in Norman in 2012. Notre Dame soundly defeated the Sooners in Norman Saturday night. The Irish committed no turnovers and one penalty. They averaged 5.5. yards a rush, and gave up less than a yard a carry. They were 7-15 on 3rd down. They had a five-minute advantage in time of possession.
Oklahoma didn’t play bad. Notre Dame played perfect. That’s really about it. Yes, Heupel could have actually ran a hurry up offense and remembered the Tech and Texas game plan Yes, the lines could have played tougher. Yes, Landry could have been sharper. The Kansas State loss was more about Oklahoma’s failures. This loss was more about Notre Dame’s effectiveness. The talent is there in South Bend. Now there is a coach how can facilitate the talent.
9) Stripe the Stadium
Eh, I guess. It looked pretty good. But that’s what Oklahoma has come to? Gimmicks? We aren’t Oklahoma State. OU football does not need “white outs” or “frisbee catching dogs” to claim relevance. I fully expect a Nike Day next season, complete with pinstripe uniforms and shoes with jetpacks.
If you haven’t heard yet, stomach-stapled KFOR Sports Director Bob Barry Jr. was attacked by a bobcat last week. Wait. I got that wrong. He actually wrecked a scooter. Along with his pride and dignity, he broke his collarbone in the accident. We emailed BBJ to see if he incurred any other injuries. He replied with, “I don’t know, buddy. Why don’t you tell me?”
If you think the visual of BBJ crashing a scooter, flying through the air and nearly dying is funny, don’t feel bad. It kind of is. It’s even funnier when you learn that he allegedly cried for Running Girl after the wreck. But if you work for the Sports Animal, don’t laugh about the ordeal. If you do, your wife will call your show and force you to apologize. That’s what happened to Regular Jim Traber.
Earlier this week, our very own Chelsea wrote about a chance encounter she had with her dream boy Nick Collison. Knowing Chelsea like we know her, the whole ordeal was funny, yet depressing:
Loyal TLO readers: Last Friday morning, it finally happened. After years of (not so quietly) professing my love via various media outlets, I finally came face to face with the greatest unrequited love of my life, THE Nick Collison.
It happened on an elevator. I tossed out a casual “hey.” He returned with an amused “hey.” In attempt to keep the conversation going, I asked him how he liked playing at the Spirit Center. Okay, not one of my better pick-up lines. Obviously if I had time to prepare, I would have asked him what his favorite book is, or found out the greatest concert he’s ever been to, or asked if he’d ever read the Kama Sutra. But, the fact is I was caught off-guard and was wearing scrubby yoga pants and black framed faux-hipster glasses (note: I wear faux-hipster prescription glasses, not hipster faux-prescription glasses–as if one were better than the other). After countless tweets and hours spent Photoshopping Nick into pictures with me, all I got in return was a paltry “it was ‘aight.” Nick Collison then stepped off the elevator and disappeared into the third floor of the historic Mayo Hotel. Rejection is a dish served…unaccompanied.
Outside of meeting that Australian cowboy, this is definitely one of the most exciting things that’s happened to me all year. Sad, huh? I was going to come up with a clever metaphor to liken my predictable life to the dull and mundane week I’m assuming that the Tulsa Police had, but as you can tell, literary devices were never really my forte.
Chelsea’s nice, fun and enjoys reminding us that Tulsa has QuikTrips. For those reasons alone, we all like her at the TLO Home Office. Well, except for Spencer. He doesn’t like sharing Tuesday’s with her. That’s fine, though, because Chad likes her way too much. I guess that evens things out.
Anyway, because Chelsea totally blew her chance to hook up with The Freckle King, we thought it would be fun to visit the Jerk Store and come up with 11 pick up lines or advances she should have told the Thunder role player. If she could go back in time, step on an elevator, and use one of these, she could have fulfilled her dream and been the one-night stand of a professional athlete.
I was spending some time on the Oklahoma Gazette’s website earlier this morning (don’t judge) and stumbled across this story about a lady who got a tattoo of Rumble on her arm. After shaking my head, rolling my eyes, and saying “Dear God, Really,” I then read the article:
October 17th, 2012
Oklahoma City loves Rumble, that affable and acrobatic bison who serves as mascot for the Thunder. But it’s not just any old fan who makes the commitment to eat, bathe and sleep with the big guy … forever.
Cindy Evans is no fair-weather fan. The Ratliff City resident recently took the additional step of committing Rumble to a tattoo on her left arm.
“I love him to pieces!” Evans said of Rumble. “He is the best, most loving, most fun and most exciting mascot. He loves his fans, young and old alike. He tries to accommodate his fans, if at all possible. I have had him walk across the back of the stadium seats to get to where I am just to greet me with a hug. The draw for me to him is that he is so loving and he doesn’t hesitate to show that love to all his fans.”
We’d say Evans is equally effusive. She plans to get another tattoo, the Thunder logo, later this month.
Yikes. If I woke up and found that thing on my arm I would call the police and report a crime. The second thing I’d do is call a tattoo artist and have him (or her) put a bar code over it. The third thing I’d do is cry uncontrollably.
Seriously, what type of person would agree to have that inked on their body for life? Well, here’s your answer. This lady:
Thanks! Your message has been sent!