Earlier this week, our very own Chelsea wrote about a chance encounter she had with her dream boy Nick Collison. Knowing Chelsea like we know her, the whole ordeal was funny, yet depressing:
Loyal TLO readers: Last Friday morning, it finally happened. After years of (not so quietly) professing my love via various media outlets, I finally came face to face with the greatest unrequited love of my life, THE Nick Collison.
It happened on an elevator. I tossed out a casual “hey.” He returned with an amused “hey.” In attempt to keep the conversation going, I asked him how he liked playing at the Spirit Center. Okay, not one of my better pick-up lines. Obviously if I had time to prepare, I would have asked him what his favorite book is, or found out the greatest concert he’s ever been to, or asked if he’d ever read the Kama Sutra. But, the fact is I was caught off-guard and was wearing scrubby yoga pants and black framed faux-hipster glasses (note: I wear faux-hipster prescription glasses, not hipster faux-prescription glasses–as if one were better than the other). After countless tweets and hours spent Photoshopping Nick into pictures with me, all I got in return was a paltry “it was ‘aight.” Nick Collison then stepped off the elevator and disappeared into the third floor of the historic Mayo Hotel. Rejection is a dish served…unaccompanied.
Outside of meeting that Australian cowboy, this is definitely one of the most exciting things that’s happened to me all year. Sad, huh? I was going to come up with a clever metaphor to liken my predictable life to the dull and mundane week I’m assuming that the Tulsa Police had, but as you can tell, literary devices were never really my forte.
Chelsea’s nice, fun and enjoys reminding us that Tulsa has QuikTrips. For those reasons alone, we all like her at the TLO Home Office. Well, except for Spencer. He doesn’t like sharing Tuesday’s with her. That’s fine, though, because Chad likes her way too much. I guess that evens things out.
Anyway, because Chelsea totally blew her chance to hook up with The Freckle King, we thought it would be fun to visit the Jerk Store and come up with 11 pick up lines or advances she should have told the Thunder role player. If she could go back in time, step on an elevator, and use one of these, she could have fulfilled her dream and been the one-night stand of a professional athlete.
I was spending some time on the Oklahoma Gazette’s website earlier this morning (don’t judge) and stumbled across this story about a lady who got a tattoo of Rumble on her arm. After shaking my head, rolling my eyes, and saying “Dear God, Really,” I then read the article:
October 17th, 2012
Oklahoma City loves Rumble, that affable and acrobatic bison who serves as mascot for the Thunder. But it’s not just any old fan who makes the commitment to eat, bathe and sleep with the big guy … forever.
Cindy Evans is no fair-weather fan. The Ratliff City resident recently took the additional step of committing Rumble to a tattoo on her left arm.
“I love him to pieces!” Evans said of Rumble. “He is the best, most loving, most fun and most exciting mascot. He loves his fans, young and old alike. He tries to accommodate his fans, if at all possible. I have had him walk across the back of the stadium seats to get to where I am just to greet me with a hug. The draw for me to him is that he is so loving and he doesn’t hesitate to show that love to all his fans.”
We’d say Evans is equally effusive. She plans to get another tattoo, the Thunder logo, later this month.
Yikes. If I woke up and found that thing on my arm I would call the police and report a crime. The second thing I’d do is call a tattoo artist and have him (or her) put a bar code over it. The third thing I’d do is cry uncontrollably.
Seriously, what type of person would agree to have that inked on their body for life? Well, here’s your answer. This lady:
10) Boring Ass OU/KU Game was Boring
This game was over by the time the Boy Scouts showed everyone their seats, and was completely unwatchable after the first few minutes of the second half.
To the mild surprise of some, including me, OU was anything but flat. Some will complain about the 185 yards rushing they surrendered to Kansas, but that happens when your opponent rushes the ball 58 times. OU did give up over 300 yards of offense to Kansas, but hell, Kansas ran 86 plays, averaging a paltry 3.6 yards a play. Normally this post would be filled with colorful language when an OU opponent runs 35 more plays than the Sooners. But again that happens when you have two special teams touchdowns and the game is out of hand midway through the 3rd. Yes, OU should have run the ball more often. Yes, there were scores of swing passes. And that won’t cut it next week. But OU can take from this game the knowledge they did exactly what they needed to do to win - avoid a letdown.
9) OU/Notre Dame
And let the hype begin. Notre Dame travels to Norman this weekend for a prime time showdown against the Sooners, complete with College GameDay, tradition, and my drunk ass downing bourbon like fun-sized Snickers bars.
This game truly has epic potential. Though the season has a long way to go, I fully expect a 2008 Texas Tech like atmosphere both outside and inside the stadium this Saturday, only with annoying Notre Dame fans everywhere. Tickets are at a premium that I have never seen. We are looking for four tickets together, and I see nothing under $450 per ticket. Some jerky offered me $2,000 … per ticket. News flash – this isn’t the effing Super Bowl. It’s the biggest non-conference game in decades, but I not blowing my weekly wine budget on four hours I am unlikely to remember.
For the much cooler, 5.8mb, it will probably slow down your work computer, animated .GIF of that image, go to The Big Lead. For my power poll, read the words below:
10) Who In The Blue Hell is Calling the Plays?
Three weeks ago, I said the following …
“[Heupel] is in over his head. He is terrible at making adjustments. He is terrible at creating a system that suits his personnel. And his offense is a gimmick that will never win anything. I was hoping last year showed this coaching staff that BS spread from the shotgun isn’t the future and the Sooners would make a commitment to a power I, run first offense. I could not have been more wrong. Heupel and his offense need to go.”
Do I know how to call ‘em or what?
Plays under center. Fullback trap. Play action roll out. Full house backfield. Max protection. Yes, we still run too many plays from shotgun. But you can’t argue with 680 total yards against an FBS opponent, especially one that was supposed to have a great defense. OU nation must be thrilled with the changes Stay Puft made to the offense after Kansas State. Over 300 yards rushing and passing. And he stuck with the run even after Williams was being stuffed play after play. He’s a different guy right now.
9) And Then There is the Defense
Say what you want about the Texas defense. They haven’t been very good all year. West Virginia, Oklahoma State, and to an extent Ole Miss went up and down the field on Texas. So I don’t think anyone was too shocked OU managed to move the ball.
That being said … Texas was playing excellent offense. Ash was efficient if not spectacular. The running game had been stellar. Texas looked like a good offensive football team.
And then Mike Stoops cock slapped them in front of 95,000 people.
I don’t know how he has done it this year with this rag-tag group of players. There is not a single defensive lineman who will play significant time at the next level. The linebackers were terrible against the run and pass last year. And the defensive backs … my God, the defensive backs last year were atrocious. With virtually the same personnel, Mike Stoops has taken a defensive ranked 60th in total defense last year to a top 10 defense in 5 games. Stunning.
8) Which Leads Me to This …
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