It’s back. The time of year when Saturdays mean three things: cholesterol skyrockets, TLO’s Twitter feed becomes ragingly unhappy and Norman’s traffic is inhumane. Yes, college football returns to Oklahoma this Saturday.
I understand many loathe the thought of hearing “Sooner” this and “Cowboy” that, so I will do my best to give you other options for the rest of the year. For the rest of us it is a great time. I can’t wait to see how many times the Sports Animal’s Jim Traber gives it up to himself while trying to decipher what passes as English when Al Eschbach speaks.
I could go for paragraphs about the humor spewed from the mouths of armchair coaches and quarterbacks, but we all know this, so I will save you the eye strain. Here is my national championship lock:
Arkansas Razorbacks over the UCO Bronchos, 24-21, in three overtimes. You can take that to Vegas.
Here is your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Oklahoma is no longer home to the world’s best barbecue. Well, technically we never were but it’s about to be official.
For the past 15 years or so, Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ in Kansas City has widely been considered to be one of the premier BBQ joints in the world. It always tops those click bait lists, restaurant guides and Food Network / Travel Channel shows where some annoying dude travels the world stuffing his face with delicious food you’ll never get to eat.
Well, the free ride is over. Even though the restaurant was started in Oklahoma, the owners are changing the restaurant’s name to reflect its Kansas City home.
Via The Tulsa World:
There are a lot of things out there that can kill you. Examples include lightning, lupus and listening to Jack and Ron each morning.
According to the local media, the thing that’s probably going to kill you this week is the West Nile Virus. Even though no confirmed human cases have been reported in Oklahoma City – a metropolis with over 1.3 million million people – researchers found one asshole mosquito flying around town carrying the virus.
Cue alarm and panic.
Public health officials have found West Nile virus present in mosquitoes in Oklahoma County.
During routine testing, an Oklahoma City-County Health Department public health specialist confirmed one case of West Nile virus present in the mosquito population in Oklahoma County.
Overall, there have only been two confirmed cases statewide, one resident in Tulsa County and another person in Major County.
Well, I guess that’s scary. It seems like mosquitos are everywhere this year. How do we prevent them from killing us?
Waite Colbaugh, mosquito program specialist in Oklahoma County, said residents should take extra precaution against the mosquito-borne illness by avoiding mosquito bites and reducing habitats where mosquitoes live and breed.
Four D’s prevent spread
Colbaugh said he recommends practicing the four D’s to minimize mosquito bites:
1. Dusk to dawn: Mosquitoes that carry the virus are most active during these hours, so if you must go outside always take precautions.
2. Dress: Wear long sleeves with cuffs and long pants wherever mosquitoes are likely to be biting. Tuck your pants into your socks.
3. DEET: Use an insect repellant containing DEET on any exposed skin.
Let me get this straight, we’ve only had two West Nile cases confirmed in the entire state, and some dude name Waite Colbaugh wants me to walk around in the August heat wearing long sleeves with cuffs and my jeans tucked into my socks? Uhm, no thanks. I appreciate the concern, but I’d rather take the .00001031% chance that a mosquito bite kills me rather than dying of heat stroke because I had to flee a pack of neighborhood bullies.
Even though the odds of getting West Nile right now are close to zero, it didn’t stop the local TV news media from spreading some fear. You know they love that. The highlight of their coverage was seeing which stock mosquito photos the local Social Media Bandits used for their stories.
Channel 5 went the puddle of water route:
Although it’s tempting, I don’t like to knock online dating all that much. Yeah, it’s kind of dorky and sad, but lets be honest, who hasn’t been drunk, depressed and alone on a Friday night and wanted to see what FarmersOnly.com is all about?
Everyone meets online today. I read a stat that 17% of last year’s marriages started as online relationships. When you consider most couples who met online are ashamed to admit they met online, that number is remarkably high.
The new popular online dating app for millennials is called Tinder. Out of all the online dating websites out there, it’s the safest to use without looking like a total loser. That’s because it’s superficial and built entirely around judging someone by their looks. You don’t have to take a personality test or anything. When you see someone’s pic that you like, you swipe right. If they then swipe right on your profile, you’re connected and probably having guilt free sex soon after. In a way, it’s kind of like the bar scene of online dating websites. It’s based entirely off first impressions, personality doesn’t matter and most of the people using it are drunk.
Hell, Tinder is so cool that even popular people like KOCO’s Bree Steffen are using it. An Ogle Mole stumbled across her profile and sent us some screenshots. Check them all out:
Over the weekend I had one of those “I bet I could throw a football over them mountains” moments when I exclaimed to my friends that I thought I could last at least 60 seconds in the octagon with current UFC Welterweight Champion, and Oklahoma’s very own, Johnny Hendricks. They were quick to humble me, but I worked my way backwards to try and think about which people from our state I thought I could legitimately hold my own against.
From there, my mind ran wild with visions of an “OKC Fight Club” where you could pop in and see Ed Shadid piledrive Mick Cornett, or The Pioneer Woman uppercut Patrick off a ladder, but what would that hierarchy look like? Which OK scenesters do you think you could beat in a 1-on-1 street fight? I did some research and figured out which Oklahomans you should fight, and which ones would leave you in a pile of blood, urine, and vomit. I even commissioned Nigel Bland from Goldstar Labs to build a chart that details whether or not you should fight any of these local darlings:
Prediction: There is a 75% chance that Abigail Ogle unleashes hell upon you.
Reason: Abigail Ogle has been a punching bag for this very website, and numerous other online haters, for a while now. She has been nothing if not professional and self-deprecating through all of it, but you know that deep down her rage is being bottled up. It’s only a matter of time before that bottle overflows. Abigail is like The Hulk; One day she will wake up after blacking out the night before, only to hear rumors of how an insane green monster wearing too much makeup snapped a guy in half for offering to buy her some new Twitter followers. Do not fuck with Abigail. It’s not worth it.
Prediction: There is an 89% chance that you will beat the shit out of Tyson Ritter.
Reason: Fight Tyson Ritter. Fight him every day. Fight him for convincing you that the All American Rejects were a good band back in 2000. Fight him for ruining one of your favorite TV shows. Fight him for still wearing girl pants in 2014 even though that was so 2003. “Swing swing” your fists at his stupid face and try to knock the grease out of his hair. I hope you give him hell.
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