Well, I guess I know who to vent to the next time I want to complain about the James Harden trade.
Yesterday, DeadSpin alerted the world to the insane ramblings of some religious zealot from Oklahoma City named Charles Hubbard. In case you’re curious, or work for NBA security and need to know who to ban from arenas, here’s a link to his Twitter, LinkedIn and Facebook pages.
Apparently, Charles thinks OKC’s on court struggles and injury problems have to do with Kevin Durant signing a $300-million contract with “the goddess of Nike.” He also believes that Golden State’s success this season has to do with Stephen Curry striking a deal with Under Armour. I guess God wants to “Protect This House.”
We know about all this because Charles, an unskilled graphic designer by trade, has posted hundreds of bat shit crazy graphics on his website. They’re so over the top and fanatical that they’d even give Sally Kern the chills.
Here are a few examples.
Oh, Edmond. It’s a nice, quiet city, the sort of place you want to raise your kids, far away from the Hustle and Bustle of the city. (Jimmy Hustle and Freddy Bustle being two black guys I work with at Paycom. They’re janitors, of course, and they scare me.)
Yes, Edmond is my proud home, the kind where you never have to ever, ever leave; we’ve got schools, colleges and an Uptown Market. Why you’d ever want to get away from all this is beyond me and downright criminal—no, seriously, if you leave, we will find you and imprison you, with your fate resting in the hands of a dozen wine-drunk Oak Tree housewives who consider this “giving back to the community.”
It’s that type of broad, forward thinking that gives me absolute pride to present the nine reasons I got nothin’ but love for Edmond.
Looking to get dumped on Valentine’s Day? Well, have we found the date for you.
Saved By The Bell, VH1 Celebreality and Dirty Sanchez sex tape star Dustin Diamond will perform stand up comedy at some place called “The Bank” in Idabel on Valentine’s Day. There’s no word yet if show will be followed by a special burlesque performance by Elizabeth Berkley.
Here’s a postcard for the show:
As I mentioned last week, the local TV news media loves nothing more than a good manufactured school controversy involving concerned, angry parents. Not only do these stories drum up fear which lead to ratings, but they also give an Ogle brother something fun to tease while mom’s watch NCIS or the Voice.
“Are dead sexual predators high on synthetic marijuana haunting local elementary schools? Tonight at 10:00.”
This week’s shocking school controversy was brought to us by KFOR Channel 4. Apparently, parents are upset that Edmond Santa Fe biology teachers had students address and face one of life’s most difficult questions: what would you do if you (or your wife) was pregnant with a dwarf?
A local biology teacher’s multiple choice question about abortion is upsetting students’ parents.
Edmond Santa Fe High School officials confirmed Tuesday several biology teachers at the school gave their students a “non graded exercise” – a discussion starter – on human genetic disorders.
“You’ve found out that the child you (or your wife) carries has the gene for dwarfism. A new therapy exists that may repair this gene before the child is born. What do you do?” the first question on the exercise asks.
A. Allow the child to be born with the gene, and we will accept the child as is.
B. Attempt the new therapy to repair the gene.
C. Terminate Pregnancy.
Geeze, no wonder Edmond parents are upset. The teachers left off the correct and most obvious answer: “Have more fucking dwarves!”
Who wouldn’t choose that? If I can guarantee my kids would be dwarves, I’d have at least seven of them, my own mining company in the Arbuckle Mountain, and a TLC reality show about it. I’d be rich.
Dwarf abortions wasn’t the only strange topic on the quiz. Check out the other ones:
Norman is really the city that has it all. Sure, it’s full of young 20-somethings the majority of the year who make for long wait times when you want to get a table at a restaurant, or purchase one measly item at Target. Also, driving on Lindsey isn’t a thing that I do AT ALL from the months of August to May. But overall, the city is super chill. That’s something I really appreciate. Also, have you seen all the cool downtown art lately? Norman is the place to be.
But what if you live outside the Norman area and you’re looking for a job so you can officially relocate? Well, look no further. The Norman Police Department is totally hiring. In case you needed further proof that Norman was the coolest city in the OKC Metro, I’d like to submit for your approval a recruitment video released by the Norman Police Department:
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