If there’s one thing Oklahomans have proven over the past few weeks, it’s that we just can’t let Black people have their own thing, ranging from the exclusive use of the n-word to simple basics like common human dignity. And as bad as all that is, now it seems like Elk City Commissioner and Mayoral candidate Bill Helton is trying to steal beloved African-American cinematic icon Madea as well.
To quote the Tyler Perry-created character, “Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death!”
From RawStory.com via KFOR:
Spring signals a lot of things in Oklahoma. The Bradford pears bloom, hailstorms roll in practically every time the wind blows, and grown ass adults are trying to get by with wearing flip-flops to the office. You assholes know who you are. There is literally nothing that makes your Reef flip-flops business casual and they look stupid with slacks. But I guess that’s beside the point. What I’m here to talk to you about today is another sign of spring in Oklahoma. That’s right, y’all. The Medieval Fair.
For Normanites, the Medieval Fair is a sign that not only is the school year almost over (get out of mah city, you lazy students!), but spring is definitely here. According to NewsOK.com:
NORMAN — Calling all lords and ladies, knights and jesters. It’s time to party like it’s 1066 during the 39th annual Medieval Fair at Reaves Park.
Held annually since 1977, this living history fair features arts, crafts, food, games, educational exhibits, demonstrations and ongoing entertainment on seven stages.
Allow me to interject here for a bit. The exhibits are “educational,” not educational. Sure, they give you an idea of some things that may have happened during the medieval period. But, for the most part, I’m pretty sure the medieval world wasn’t full of art school dropouts selling their wares or root beer that was “brewed in the belly of a dragon.” Even back then they knew that wasn’t sanitary.
According to the local weather gods, the 2015 severe weather season kicks off today in Oklahoma. As the map of doom below clearly shows, we may be in for some large hail, damaging winds and a 4-hour scream therapy session with David Payne
In all honesty, that’s pretty tame compared to the maps we usually see in April or May. Wake me up when that map turns all red and purple like Emily Sutton in a triathlon.
Anyway, with a new severe weather season coming down upon us like a wall cloud, I thought it would be fun to preview the Severe Weather Coverage season by taking a look at some storylines to follow.
Before we do, lets review some basic weather safety procedures:
• Difference between a tornado watch and a tornado warning. A Tornado Watch simple means there’s a good chance there’s going to be a state map on the bottom left of your TV screen for a good part of the day. Be cautious and aware. A Tornado Warning means the Chief Meteorologist is going to cut into live programming to likely show you helicopter footage of a slow-moving wall cloud located 30-miles north of Woodward… or a funnel cloud approaching your neighborhood. One of the two.
• Tornado Safety Precautions. If you hear sirens or see Bob Moore Chopper 4 from your backyard, either get underground, hide beneath a pile of pillows and blankets in a hall closet or bathroom, or head south and try to outrun the storm. It’s your call.
• Clean out your shelter. Also, consider how you’re going to address that awkward moment when your neighbor frantically knocks on the shelter door, pleading for you to unlock it and save his life, but you don’t have extra room because you brought your dogs.
With that out-of-the-way, here are 11 storylines to follow for the 2015 season…
Man, it seems like the past few months have been pretty bad for Oklahoma in the national news. If our legislators aren’t making us look like a bunch of bigoted assholes, then frat boys were making us look like racist assholes. It’s been a tough time for normal, decent human beings in our state who have had to constantly justify their Oklahoma love to out-of-town friends and relatives.
So, it’s kind of apropos that KFOR happened to report on the Southern Poverty Law Center’s study regarding the number of hate groups nationwide, and specifically, the number of hate groups in Oklahoma. And honestly, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised that we only had 11. According to KFOR.com:
OKLAHOMA CITY — A new study shows the number of hate groups across America is declining.
The Southern Poverty Law Center’s annual count found that hate groups declined by 17 percent between 2013 and 2014.
According to SPLC, the number of hate groups fell from 939 to 784, bringing that number to its lowest level since 2005.
SPLC’s study found that 11 of those hate groups are in Oklahoma.
So, who are these groups? You can check out the list that the SPLC identified here. But it looks a little off to me. I mean, there are quite a few groups that I interact with fairly regularly that spew hate like it’s going out of style. But I can’t blame SPLC. They don’t live here. They don’t know. So, to help them out for next time, I’ve made a list of hate groups to watch out for.
1. The Turner Turnpike
The Turner Turnpike is an anti-Oklahoma organization that exists to make it tough for Oklahomans to drive between the OKC and Tulsa metros. The tolls, traffic, construction, and terrible restrooms are all designed to ruin lives.
2. Former Tate Publishing Employees
These people had the nerve to talk with their co-workers about rumors that the company was going to outsource all jobs to the Philippines, which was technically true. Then, after the employees were discovered, they prayed with their boss and betrayed his trust by recording him as he fired everyone in a company meeting. These people must be watched!
Unsurprisingly (or surprisingly, depending on how you think of me), I know very little about prison. Sure, I’ve dated guys who bragged about their stints in the drunk tank or county jail, but I’ve never been to “the big show,” as they say. (Do they say? Again, I don’t know a lot about prison.) I guess you could say the most I know about incarceration involves binge watching Orange is the New Black, or not passing go and not collecting $200.
I do know that in order to sneak stuff in to prison, it can’t be found unless the cops check what was baked into a cake, or use a full body cavity search. I mean, I thought everyone knew this, but apparently people are sneaking stuff into jail by other means, and they’re getting caught. According to KFOR.com:
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