(Editor’s Note: We’re taking our parody of NewsOK.com to a new level.)
I noticed a few glaring omissions to Chelsea’s list of her top ten worst Christmas movies, so this is my rebuttal.
Here’s what I’m up against: When I first emailed Chelsea my movie list, she did not seem to recognize the scene at the end of Eyes Wide Shut when they have Illuminati-approved group sex in a mansion.
“Oh, I thought it was Sex and the City: The Movie,” she replied.
Let the rebutting begin…
10. EYES WIDE SHUT
Call me old fashioned, but one of the noblest marks of a holiday film should be that you can’t masturbate to it. Leave it to legendary cine-perv Stanley Kubrick to totally dispel that notion as a wanderlusting Tom Cruise wanders the streets looking to get his balls jingled by everyone from an underage Russian prostitute to masked women in a bizarre 1%ers masquerade orgy.
9. THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
What was once a great idea—mixing the dour hopelessness of a Clan of Xymox album cover with the festive spirit of a death-obsessed Teutonic Christmas—has instead become a 90-minute commercial for a line of extended-size hoodies from Hot Topic that no moderately employable person over 35 should wear, but still does.
On behalf of all logical and reasonable Oklahomans, I’d like to apologize to the state of Colorado.
In case you haven’t heard, it was reported today that beloved Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt, along with our backwards friends from Nebraska, is suing Colorado because the state is forward thinking and decided to legalize recreational marijuana instead of fighting a racially biased, insane, unwinnable war to eliminate and ban its use.
From The Washington Post:
Amidst the dysfunction of Washington, an equal concern of Americans is the ever-expanding reach of federal agencies into their lives and businesses.
All too often, agencies ignore the laws on the books and take action to expand their authority to impose a political agenda. This undermines the rule of law and our system of representative government.
Federal agencies are turning to a new scheme — “sue and settle” — to further expand their reach and authority. The tactics call for federal agencies to settle, rather than fight, lawsuits filed by like-minded groups.
A consent decree is then reached behind closed doors and is later approved by the courts. Consent decrees are an appropriate avenue to settle a lawsuit but should not be used by federal agencies to regulate through litigation. That is precisely what’s happening, though, under sue and settle…
Let us not forget the states, serve an equally important role as a vertical check on the power of the federal government.
OOOPS! MY BAD. That’s from an editorial Scott Pruitt (or Devon Energy) wrote for the Washington Examiner back in May complaining about the “ever-expanding reach” of government into the lives and businesses of people…
On the count of three, let’s do it.
Fuck you, you hypocritical asshole.
Seriously, what a joke. Even Mary Fallin has to be rolling her eyes on this one. Well, at least she would if she didn’t get all that plastic surgery. We know she’s all for state’s rights, so there’s no way she’ll support this lawsuit.
Here’s the Washington Post article:
In case you missed it, the Oklahoma Supreme Court reached a decision in our open records lawsuit against Governor Fallin.
Before I get to their ruling and examine what it means, I should let you know that I’m writing this post after watching the two-hour season finale of Survivor. Yep, I still watch Survivor. I’m that guy, so if you want to call me a loser after reading this post, make sure you do it for the right reason.
Back to the topic at hand…
The Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled by a narrow 8-7 margin on Tuesday that Governor Mary Fallin, as the leader of the Executive branch, has the power to keep certain records and documents a secret thanks to not-so-clear powers granted to her in the Oklahoma Constitution. The deciding vote was cast by the newest member of the court, The Honorable Janet Barresi.
The governor of Oklahoma has the authority to withhold the release of certain documents from the public because of executive privilege, but that power is not absolute, the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled Tuesday.
“Executive privilege is not just a vestige of common law, but is an inherent power of the governor,” the Supreme Court said.
Justices said Gov. Mary Fallin acted within the law in March 2012 when she chose not to release about 100 out of 51,000 pages of written material related to her decisions regarding Affordable Care Act programs and funding.
“We agree with the trial court that Oklahoma governors have a privilege to refuse to disclose advice they receive in confidence from ‘senior executive branch officials’ when deliberating discretionary decisions and shaping policy,” the court said. “We leave for a more appropriate case the issue of whether the privilege extends to advice solicited from parties outside state government.”
Okay, I should probably clarify one thing. I kind of lied in my paragraph above. The Supreme court only has 9 justices. There isn’t a Barresi on the court. Despite my glowing endorsement of them over the years – and the fact that my dad made that gigantic eagle wing sculpture in their building – they voted 8-0 in the Governor’s favor, with one rebel justice agreeing, yet dissenting, based on stupid details. Basically, we were dominated, throttled and destroyed like a box of donuts in The Oklahoman break room. Embarrassing, huh? 8 to fucking nothing. FML.
Since we got our asses handed to us, our ACLU attorneys responded exactly how you think they would respond. They declared victory:
NewsOK.com issued more clickbait yesterday with Richard ViralNovaBuzzfeedHall’s ranking of the 8 Best Christmas Movies Ever. It’s your standard, typical stuff. It’s boring, mindless and presented in the form of a slideshow so if some sap at your work clicks through the entire thing, The Oklahoman gets nine pageviews out of the deal.
As a response, and possibly because Chelsea submitted this post a few weeks ago, I thought a fitting, overachieving response would be to rank the 10 Worst Christmas Movies of All Time. 10 is better than 8, right?
Before we begin with my ranking of the worst Christmas films, here are the parameters I went by:
I know, half of you want to take me out for putting Elf on this list. But I feel like this movie has sort of an age continuum attached to it, similar to Barney’s theory about Ewoks and figuring out a woman’s age in HIMYM. If you were young enough to watch it as just an earnest Christmas film, you loved it. If you were old enough to have seen Will Ferrell on SNL, understood his MO, and thought he was funny, then you could appreciate it too. But it you land somewhere in between–like yours truly–it comes across as something you kinda like, but would vastly improve if watched while smoking a joint.
Redeeming Quality: “Bye Buddy, hope you find your dad!”
9. Christmas with the Kranks
I actually really dig this movie. I loved the source material, I love Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis, and I saw this movie while in New York for the Macy’s Day Parade, so any mention of it fills me with fond memories. Apparently though, I stand alone with this sentiment. No one else likes it–and I mean no one. My boyfriend groans every time I suggest it. Screw all of you! Sure it’s a cheesy Christmas movie, but it knows what it is and embraces it.
Redeeming Quality: Dan Aykroyd plays the neighbor who’s way too into Christmas, the neighborhood, and what everyone else in the neighborhood is up to. You have an uncle or co-worker or neighbor who behaves exactly like this.
If you read this site often, you’re probably aware that I’m a dog guy. I love dogs. In fact, I’d even go so far to say that I like dogs more than people. I would explain why, but I don’t feel like being James Thurber this morning.
The dog pictured above is my little girl, Lexi, or as I like to pathetically call her in a strange, wobbly, high-pitched, embarrassed-to-admit voice, “My Sweet Pea.” I adopted Lexi from the same pet rescue where I found my late best bud Rowdy. I’ve had her about a year now.
Because I prefer to adopt homeless dogs that need a home, it’s very difficult for me to feel sorry for people like this woman who are scammed while trying to buy a dog on the internet.
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