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10 Oklahoman reporters’ ages and genders guessed by How-Old.net

Last week, Microsoft unveiled some gimicky website called How-Old.net that attempts to predict someone’s age by analyzing a photo. As you’ve probably noticed, the site has taken over the Internet like a bad Buzzfeed quiz. Over the weekend, friends, family and co-workers clogged Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, SnapChat and even Adult Friend Finder feeds with images from the site. Although it’s about as scientific and reliable as the Bible, the site seems to work. For example, it suggested I was an 82-year-old male. Considering the age of our universe, that’s not far off.

Our “State’s Most Trusted News” had some fun with the site. NewsOK.com tasked Richard ViralNovaBuzzfeedHall to give some Oklahoma Celebrities the How-Old.net treatment. It hit the mark on people like Joe Dorman, who it accurately listed as a 43-year-old man who still lives with is parents, but missed on Kevin Durant by longshot. The site thinks the former real-MVP is a 46 year old, which ironically enough is the age of Greg Oden, the man was drafted one spot ahead of KD in the 2007 NBA Draft.

Anyway, this is kind of embarrassing, but we considered posting a similar clickbait article, only to have The Oklahoman beat us to it. The only difference is we were going to focus on large-breasted Oklahoma models instead of celebrities. As a result, we decided to pay tribute to the team at OPUBCO by posting the ages and genders of 10 Oklahoman reporters.

Here we go:

richard hall age

Richard ViralNovaBuzzfeedHall

As we know, Richard is the paper’s Clickbaitor-in-Chief. I had no clue he was so old. It’s okay for a 36-year-old male to spend his afternoon’s blogging, writing social media headlines and putting together slide shows, but only if he owns the blog. Doing it for a newspaper is sad.

brianna bailey

Brianna Bailey

60-years-old?! Yikes. Those walks down Western must be taking their toll. No wonder Brianna doesn’t like Pearl Jam. They are way too new and trendy for her music tastes.

Let’s all forget about The Oklahoman’s struggles as they move downtown…

oklahoman sign

As a regular reader of this blog, you’re probably aware that I like to criticize The Oklahoman from time to time. Let’s be honest, it’s not too hard. If anything, it illustrates how insanely lazy I am:

“Hey Patrick, want to do something meaningful and productive with your life?”

“Nah! I’m just going to sit here and eat cheese, watch Comedy Central and mock The Oklahoman. After that, I’m going to play Madden in Rookie mode, boil an egg and make fun of the Oklahoma legislature.”

It really is too easy. This is a newspaper that employs Jenni Carlson, employed Zeke Campfield, endorsed Janet Barresi and exposed its own sad demise over coffee. They called Kevin Durant “Mr. Unreliable,” can’t even properly ripoff Buzzfeed, and despite having a well-deserved reputation as one of the most biased, vengeful and politically active newspapers in the country, they went with “The State’s Most Trusted News” as a marketing slogan, which then allowed us to mockingly call them “The State’s Most Trusted News” in every post where we expose how untrustworthy they are.

“The State’s Most Trusted News” thing has always cracked me up. If you want an example of The Oklahoman’s interpretation of “trusted news,” take a look at the paper’s highly publicized move back to downtown Oklahoma City.

On the surface, it looks like a positive event and the paper is reporting it as such. They’ve already had Boomer Tramel write an ode to the new offices, and earlier this week, the Editorial Board chimed in with this

Thomas Wolfe had it wrong. You can go home again.

The Oklahoman did so these past two weeks, as we moved into our new office building downtown. After 24 years working at the tower located at Britton Road and the Broadway Extension, we’re now smack dab in the heart of this great city, at 100 W Main.

People who return to their childhood homes are always struck by how much smaller the place seems. The opposite is true in this case – downtown Oklahoma City is far bigger and better than it was when we pulled up stakes in 1991.

The main entrance to our building is on Robinson Avenue, across the street from the grand Colcord Hotel. The Devon Energy tower is just a little ways west of us. If they wanted, our sports writers and photographers could walk the one block to Chesapeake Energy Arena to cover the Thunder — neither the building nor the NBA team existed the last time we were here.

Across the street to our east are the Renaissance hotel and the Continental Resources headquarters, each new since last we worked downtown. The Skirvin Hotel, just up Broadway a few blocks, is bustling again. It was shuttered when we moved north.

The list of changes goes on and on. We’re delighted to add to it by returning home. We look forward to the city’s continued growth, and to many years of doing what we can to help make Oklahoma a better place to live, work and raise a family.

It really is a great narrative. The proud newspaper returning home to its urban roots at a growing city’s core. They have a new video board to show advertisements, fancy studios for David Morris to shoot videos, and nice fluorescent lighting. There’s even a “Timeline of Sadness” in the newsroom to remind employees of all the depressing tragedies they’ve covered over the years:

The Oklahoman lays off 18 employees. Newsroom hit hard.

oklahoman subscriber

When your target audience looks like the group above, layoffs shouldn’t be too surprising.

Earlier this morning, I received an email via the Ogle Mole Network that claimed “The State’s Most Trusted News” was about to go through another series of layoffs.

Here’s the email:

another RIF today.

17 souls lost their jobs. 22 total positions eliminated.
From a custodian to 4 pressmen, and the NIC was hit the hardest.

Just shows that the almighty Dollar means more to Mr. Anschutz than the Almighty’s children.

First of all, NIC is the journalism lingo for newsroom. Second, if you’re an intern for The Oklahoman and are handed a broom and mop, I guess we know why.

After receiving the email, I checked with some of my Moles at OPUBCO – Jenni Carlson, Nolan Clay and Richard ViralNovaBuzzfeedHall, just to name a few – who all confirmed that some layoffs were taking place, but they couldn’t provide any other details.

So, I sent an email to Oklahoman Editor-In-Chief Kelly Dyer Fry and Publisher / President Chris Reen to see if they would issue a statement or confirm the news. They didn’t, but… we aquired through the Ogle Mole Network this email that Chris Reen sent to OPUBCO employees earlier today.

Here are some screenshots:

The Oklahoman also removed some lighthearted death penalty clickbait…

oklahoman dark tower

Award-winning sports columnist Berry Tramel isn’t the only Oklahoman writer who’s had deal with “link” problems. In fact, “The State’s Most Trusted News” has a solid history of quickly removing or retracting content that was once published.

If you remember correctly, the paper retracted a front page piece in 2013 after they outed some county officials for taking advantage of very legal, yet somewhat unethical, real estate tax loopholes. Apparently, the article upset the local political power structure, which is a no-no for the paper that loves nothing more than to cater to it.

Then on December 12th, 2014, Jenni Carlson penned a typical Jenni Carlson column about the domestic violence charges filed against Oklahoma State’s Tyreke Hill. I’m not sure how or why we forgot to mention this when it happened, but the paper removed the column and then replaced it later in the day with something totally different. Here are the screenshots of the column as it was originally published (1 & 2). Old Tony said it’s one of the worst things he’s ever read. Here’s a link to the updated piece. They’re totally different, but on a positive note, at least NewsOK.com finally removed something written by Jenni Carlson.

I bring up all these past examples because The Oklahoman pulled another article from its website over this past weekend. This time, the victim of “link problems” was a light-hearted, casual and so very clickable slideshow that took a look at the “interesting” last meals convicted murderers in Oklahoma scarfed down before being executed by a state government.

Here’s a screenshot of the write up:

You won’t believe what shocking job position The Oklahoman is looking to fill…

kitten

I guess I should begin this post with an apology.

For the most part, we try to avoid writing headlines that are coated in that much clickbait, but today I’m trying to impress the HR Department at The Oklahoman. They are hiring a copywriter who has significant experience in intentionally misleading readers through clickbait.

And no, I’m not making that shit up or exaggerating. They really want someone who can write clickbait headlines for the paper. Get your resume ready, KFOR Social Media Bandit.

Via the PRSA Job Line: