On Monday, The Oklahoman published this article by Jenni Carlson, about how tough it is to be Whitney Hand whenever her husband Landry Jones plays the sport of football terribly. In response, TLO sent our newest contributor — Fake Jenni Carlson — to TLO co-founder Tony’s house so she could report on what it was like to be Tony’s girlfriend when he reads a Jenni Carlson article. Fake Jenni Carlson’s dispatch follows.
Oklahoma City — The day started off completely normally. Tony Hanadarko, one of the three co-founders of the local blog The Lost Ogle, got up, brushed his teeth, poured a bowl of Cheerios, and opened up the paper.
“He just loves those Cheerios,” Tony’s girlfriend Samantha said. “Every day it’s the same. Cheerios, Cheerios, Cheerios. Hey, whatever makes him happy, right?”
After glancing at the front page, Tony turned to the sports section. Instantly, his eyes went straight to the byline: “Jenni Carlson.” He winced.
Samantha threw her hands over her eyes.
She’d already seen too much.
Even though we enjoy making fun of him from time to time, we kind of like the Oklahoman’s Downtown beat reporter Steve Lackmeyer. The guy’s just good at his job. He keeps the public informed on important issues, he isn’t afraid to irritate or question the city brass, and he makes me feel swift and athletic. All three of those things are hard to do.
Sometimes, though, Steve loves Downtown Oklahoma City a little too much. It’s as if he’s a 12-year-old girl and Downtown is Greyson Chance playing the piano. That can be a good thing when someone’s trying to tear down an old building or build an elevated roadway, but it can occasionally cloud his judgement. For example, Steve now thinks that the Oklahoma City Farmer’s Market could be the next Cain’s Ballroom.
Oklahoman sports columnist Berry “Boomer” Tramel is good at many things (like writing sports columns, coming up with lists and irritating the hell out of Jim Traber), but just like everyone else, he has some weaknesses.
For example, he’s not the best sports talk host in the world. Sure, he does okay on the Total Dominance Hour, but when he’s not flanked by loudmouths like Regular Jim Traber and Al Eschbach, he comes across as a bit flustered and confused. Plus, whenever he speaks I feel like I’m listening to a southern small town drunk who’s losing his voice and going through puberty at the same time. It’s very concerning.
Boomer’s also not the most photogenic person in the world. Back in the day, the only thing more entertaining than his sports column was his accompanying mug shot. Before he went with the semi-normal Grandpa look you now see today, Boomer spent the 1990s and early 2000s sporting some weird feather mullet hairstyle that would make any Firebird owner proud. To make the pics better, he smiled like a drunk at an AA meeting. Here’s an example:
Pretty scary, huh? I can’t decide if he looks like a carnie from the Indoor Fun Fair, a shift leader at Hibdon’s or someone who’s not allowed within 1,000 feet of a school or church. Maybe it’s all three. That being said, the pic has nothing on Boomer’s college ID from the University of Oklahoma. We acquired a copy of it via the Ogle Mole Network, and let me tell you, it’s an amazing thing of terrifying beauty and grace:
The girl pictured above is Mindy Cottier. She is an escort, “exotic” dancer and (more than likely) infected with strange incurable diseases. She also fears for her life and may have video of Carina Saunder’s being tortured and murdered. We know this because The Oklahoman published it on the front page of their website and inside their newspaper.
Bethany police revealed Tuesday in court papers that there may be a video showing the killing and dismemberment of Carina Saunders.
A woman thought to have a copy of the video agreed to meet with Bethany police last week, but she didn’t show up because she “was scared to come forward,” according to a search warrant affidavit filed Tuesday in Oklahoma County District Court.
Police on July 3 searched a south Oklahoma City motel room where the woman — identified as Mindy Cottier — was staying. Police recovered a laptop computer, two zip drives, two cameras and four mobile phones.
Bethany Police Chief Phil Cole declined to comment on whether the video was found.
“Anything I release could hinder our investigation,” Cole said.
Cottier, 24, identifies herself on the Internet as an exotic dancer and professional escort. She goes by the alias, Michelle Foxx. She has a record that includes three arrests in 2009 and 2010 on prostitution complaints in the Dallas area, court documents show.
“I’m a stripper/escort and I love my job!” she wrote on Facebook. “I make more than 90% of the college graduates out there.”
I know it’s hard to feel sympathetic for dirty hookers who brag about how much they earn on Facebook, but isn’t it kind of tacky that The Oklahoman revealed the woman’s identity? She openly admits to “fearing for her safety” and claims to have video of a young murder victim being tortured and killed. The last thing she (or the police) probably wants is for her name and picture to be plastered in the damn newspaper.
Oh well, at least they had the class not to publish where she works and lives. Wait. Oops:
Yesterday, OPUBCO announced that it has entered into a contract to sell its ominous 12-story corporate headquarters, manufacturing plant and a bunch of other goodies to American Fidelity Assurance. When the sale goes through, OPUBCO will then lease five floors of the office tower and the production plant, and American Fidelity will gradually relocate to the other floors, including the 12th floor patio and garden.
This news isn’t very surprising. Former OPUBCO President David Thompson is an executive at American Fidelity, and the newspaper industry continues to struggle. At one time it probably made sense for a newspaper-backed media conglomerate to own a big, dark and scary office building that frightened orcs and wildlings, but thanks to declining revenues, circulation and dying reader-base, that time is gone. In 20 years, I wouldn’t be surprised if OPUBCO moves into an old Braum’s or just starts renting a desk at OKC CoCo.
Anyway, I decided to see stop by NewsOK.com to see what their commenter trolls had to say about the news. Would they be respectful and/or condescending, or would they just go the usual route and blame Obama. Unfortunately, it was none of the above, because this happened:
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