Both of the readers that enjoy my regular contributions may have noticed my lack of posts. Recently, my personal life has become busy and I’m not able to write much anymore. I’ve resigned my weekly posts with The Lost Ogle.
For those of your who guessed it, you guessed right “¦ I got married.
Marriage felt nice in theory, but I didn’t realize the struggle my wife Carol and I would face trying to merge our two families.
Marsha, Jan, Cindy, Greg and Peter-Bobby are adjusting well, but I need to focus on family.
We used to have a housekeeper who helped around the house. She left after she met a nice woman, got married that one day gay marriage was legal in California, and enrolled in Roadmasters Driving School.
For those who supported me these past couple of years, thank you. I appreciated the positive comments and emails. To everyone else that despised me the entire time, I guess you can return to your basement, play Second Life, stain your fingers with Cheetos and celebrate with an Anime marathon.
Tulsa police arrested a man selling drugs in a North Tulsa QuikTrip parking lot. To hide the evidence, the dealer shoved it in his mouth.
He tried to eat his crack pipe.
This tactic might be effective with pot brownies or roofies. However, 41-year-old Eljuan Heath didn’t realize eating glass shreds the mouth, esophagus, stomach, causes internal bleeding and is a leading cause of death among attention whores.
If this had happened at 7 Eleven or Love’s, I’d eat a crack pipe too. I’d take my chances with select cuts of glass over their food options.
Not at QuikTrip though. I’d grab the nearest Taquito or Maple Nut Cinnamon Roll and shove it in my mouth.
Police booked Eljuan on complaints of petty larceny, resisting arrest and destruction of evidence.
My only complaint? Police stopped him from swallowing.
When the Tulsa County Fair Board kicked Bell’s off the fairgrounds, the Tulsa State Fair lost its only rollercoaster without cars designed like developmentally disabled worms.
Although the Zingo wasn’t nearly as big as Frontier City’s Wildcat, it was Tulsa’s signature wooden coaster. To fill the void, this year’s fair includes a portable rollercoaster constructed from the country’s finest trailer-home aluminum. It can reportedly reach speeds of nearly 15 mph and has a heart-stopping 4-foot drop.
The midway’s two most-trained professional ride operators, who have almost passed their GED tests, built the 60-feet tall Comet II in 30 minutes. Much longer than the standard 15 minutes used to set-up a state fair ride.
Normally, I won’t ride anything. It cuts into my “˜eating deep-fried Jell-o and Soup-on-a-Stick’ time. When I did ride rides, I only rode Bell’s. I prefer amusement rides permanently attached to the ground, versus on top of logs and easily rolled onto a trailer rig.
I’m also not a huge of fan of rides with names that make me feel uncomfortable (Zippers) or have airbrushed famous people as part of the design.
I guess part of the excitement of the state fair is that the rides could crash at any second. The threat of flying through the air into oncoming traffic could be the “thrill” in thrill ride.
I think I’ll skip the fair this year.
If I wanted to hang out with a group of people who wander aimlessly, seem crazier by the minute, are mesmerized by bright flashing lights and would rarely be seen near a black person, I would go to a Tea Party rally.
(P.S. For more amusement, check out Good Riddance Passive Aggressive Penis Breath.)
(Editor’s Note: This week’s Tulsa Tuesday is written by Ben. Check it out!)
Tulsa is currently in the midst of an all-out war between the City Council and the Mayor’s office. We’re not quite at the level of one of those YouTube clips where one guy in the Korean Parliament attacks the other guy with his shoe, but we’re pretty damn close these days.
In the spirit of their total lack of co-operation, I’ve concocted a list of 10 fake disagreements. These disagreements are much more entertaining than the real issues facing our town…issues like running lights on our highways, flying police helicopters or our Detroit-level murder rate. For the hell of it, one of these “fake” items is actually real. See if you can spot it.
1. The City Council cried foul at the Mayor’s study on the cost impact to build a Batman-style crisis control center inside the Golden Driller.
2. The Mayor blasted a proposed revenue increasing measure by the City Council where the expensive and stupidly purchased new City Hall would be renamed from 1 Technology Center to Tulsa’s GoldenPalace.com City Hall.
3. With the impending departure of one of Tulsa’s last large companies (and only major non-energy company ““ Dollar / Thrifty Rent-a-Car) Mayor Bartlett blamed the City Council for failing to act quickly on his concept for a corporate moat designed to keep companies from leaving Tulsa.
(This week’s Tulsa Tuesday is written by Johnny Utica. He (and other Tulsans) are filling in for the Irritated Tulsan as he travels around the country giving candy to young boys.)
Last week, Tulsa’s Fox23 News started its 5pm newscast with a hard-hitting, sensational story about a sexual predator in California dressed as a cute, fuzzy mascot, handing out candy to unsuspecting children at a comic industry convention.
Check it out:
That was nice. Only one problem, really: the entire story is bullshit.
For the uninitiated (read: TPD & TV newsroom staff), Pedobear is a joke. A fake mascot created online to mock pedophiles. A LOLcat who wants kids instead of cheeseburgers. There’s an excellent Pedobear primer here, which you should read and then forward to email@example.com.
The San Luis Obispo police were the first to inflate this non-story by sending out a FANTASTIC warning to other police departments, which is most surely how TPD & Fox23 got a hold of it to further inflate it. And to their credit, Fox23 quickly figured it out (apparently someone there has a friend who has an internet), and posted a retraction of sorts on their website:
“Today, Tulsa Police tell Fox23 News, they made a mistake and the man in the costume is not a registered sex offender. However, police say it is disturbing that someone would dress in a costume that makes fun of pedophiles and would give out free candy to children.”
In other words: Our story was bogus, but we stand behind our fearmongering. By the way, Fox, you didn’t need that 2nd comma, but grammar is the least of your journalism problems. And although Fox has taken the brunt of the national mockery, I have no intention of letting KOTV off the hook, despite them adding:
“According to federal statistics it’s not a stranger in a costume but people you know who are most likely to be a child predator. Only seven percent of juvenile sexual assault victims are attacked by strangers.”
I had to read that first sentence a couple times. I guess all the commas jumped off KOTV’s site and into Fox’s story. Good to see all the ‘journalists’ on the same (missing) grammatical page.
With a little luck, this whole mess has been a learning experience for Fox23′s reporters and managers and they’ve come to some conclusions.
I know I have. They are that:
“¢ ‘Journalism’ and ‘TV News’ are not the same thing;
“¢ Captain Cane wants to do very bad things with that lightning-bolt sword; and
“¢ Clay Loney explaining what NAMBLA means is every bit as creepy as the organization itself.
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