It was kind of weird news week in Oklahoma.
We had some Braum’s delivery truck empty syrup onto the highway, News 9′s Steve Shaw try to extract every ounce (and ounce) of the story into a sweeps waffle, and then some guy who Steve Shaw probably wants to interview prance naked through the streets near Wilshire and May.
In addition to all that, some crazy physicist from Temple proposed that we build giant walls throughout the Midwest to stop tornados.
Physicist Rongjia Tao of Temple University has authored a paper that proposes building giant walls to prevent tornadoes.
He said three east-west structures should be built to weaken airflow. He claimed that this could help prevent tornadoes from hitting “tornado alley.”
Tao proposed building structures that are about 1,000 feet high and 150 feet wide.
That seems badass! Maybe we can name the walls after Gary England. Here’s where the structures would be constructed:
The lady pictured above is Michelle Childress. According to this report on KFOR.com, she’s being asked by a police officer why she decided to get drunk and sub a class.
This was her response:
I don’t know about you, but I think I love this lady. If I were a substitute teacher, I’d drink every day. Granted, I already drink every day, but you get my point. Seriously, that would be one hell of a depressing job. You basically get paid something like $60 a day to be a glorified babysitter and just sit there and take it as kids run all over you. Of course, that doesn’t mean you can show up to school drunk. That takes some balls. Only students and janitors can get away with that.
Anyway, this isn’t the first time that Michelle has made the news. In 2008, she was profiled in the Ada Evening News after she appeared on the Dr. Phil show to talk about her phobia of watching fat people eat. And no, I’m not making that up.
From the Ada Evening News:
Back in 2009, we told you (via News 9) about some dude from Enid named Gary James. He was running for city council and owned a trashy restaurant / bar named Gary’s Chicaros. The place was well known for its prime rib, cheap beer and James’ open hatred of homosexuals, blacks and all other forms “of unproductive trash.”
Well, it’s been five years since that story and it looks like James is still one hell of a bigot.
Last week, KFOR’s Ashley Kringen traveled to Enid to interview James after reports surfaced that he banned a man with a disability from visiting his restaurant. It’s a “he said, bigot said” affair. The guy with the disability claims he was banned from the place for using a wheelchair. James says the guy in the wheelchair brought all his rowdy friends to the bar and were very unpleasant. Both arguments ignore one key point: why they hell was anyone eating at Gary’s Chicaros?
Here’s Ashley’s report about the incident. It begins with James telling Ashley that he would only call her a chink “if they were drinking and joking around.”
On Sunday night, while the Seahawks were destroying the Broncos and you were considering whether or not to eat the “Why Not?” slice of pizza, Mustang Brewing Company, home of Oklahoma’s best beer that’s occasionally brewed in Wisconsin, sent out the following tweet:
Maybe Oklahoma City should buy the Seahawks, too.
— Mustang Brewing Co. (@mustangbrewing) February 3, 2014
First of all, I don’t get the infatuation some people have with Mustang. It’s kind of like the Charleston’s of local beers. It’s not bad, and I’d never turn one down, but it’s not my first choice. If anything, it’s a safe, middle-of-the road alternative. Just like how you can go on a first date or lunch meeting to Charleston’s and not have to worry about anything, you can always buy a round of Mustangs at trivia night or bring a six-pack to a cookout and not hear any complaints. Hell, you may even get some compliments. Make sense?
Anyway, back to the tweet. Do you get it? Oklahoma City stole the Super Sonics from Seattle, so we might as well steal their badass football team, too. It’s kind of a backhanded trolling compliment like the Charleston’s analogy above, and one that I wish would someday come true.
The tweet got the attention of Anthony Wuestenfeld with Pro Line Designs. He @-replied Mustang with a silly little photoshopped Oklahoma City Seahawks graphic:
In The Sunday Oklahoman, the “State’s Most Trusted News” decided to appease their conservative readership and publish a comprehensive guide to breast implants. In typical Oklahoman fashion, they took a topic that is fun and interesting and dumbed it down into something that is informative and tremendously boring.
Breast augmentation is sought by women for many reasons
Why get breast implants?
A woman might choose to get breast augmentation, or implants, for a variety of reasons.
For one, a younger woman might seek out breast augmentation because she had one breast that did not develop fully, and it’s difficult for her to wear clothing without a visibly noticeable difference.
Sounds logical. What are the other reasons? Addressing insecurities? Boosting self-esteem?? Wanting to make The Lost Ogle or get a job in pharmaceutical sales???
Other women might undergo breast augmentation because they want to increase their bust size. For example, a woman in her 20s might seek out the surgery once she has finished developing. Also, women in their 30s and older might want breast implants after having children and seeing their bodies change because of it.
Breaking news! Stop the presses! Some women undergo breast augmentation because they… want to increase their bust size. Thanks for the insight. You guys have a superior command of the obvious.
With that ground-breaking investigative journalism out-of-the-way, the article continues:
The average cost of breast augmentation surgery is $3,543. That doesn’t include the average fee for anesthesia, operating room facilities or other related expenses. It is generally not covered by insurance.
I’m a big supporter of all women’s health initiatives. That’s why I strongly believe that breast augmentation procedures should be fully covered by all health plans provided by Hobby Lobby. Wouldn’t that be great? It would finally give me an excuse to go shopping for decorative wall ornaments and shitty frames.
Here’s more from the story:
What happens during surgery?
You are usually placed under general anesthesia, meaning you’ll be asleep.
Each surgeon will have a different technique for surgery. For example, one type of surgery involves cutting near a woman’s armpit and placing the implant through a small cut. Another type of surgery involves cutting near…
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s stop this right now. TLO is a family website. We don’t want to gross today’s kids out like that damn surgery show on The Learning Channel did to us in the 1990s. Remember that? It was back when TLC actually had shows about learning and not midgets, baby pageants and wedding cakes. Just like how I don’t want to know the process in which chicken nuggets are made, don’t tell me where big breasts come from. Give me the blue pill and say they’re made via magic.
The rest of the NewsOK.com article is about gross technical stuff like pain level, recovery time, and other risk factors. As I mentioned, they took a topic that is fun and interesting and ripe with off-color jokes and puns and made it informative and tremendously boring. They didn’t interview Jesse Jane or Precious from Valley Brook. You know, Oklahoma women who have benefited from implants.
Hell, they didn’t even include any photos of actual breasts with implants. I guess they’re saving all of them for the next Look at OKC Swimsuit issue. In fact, this the only image they used to accompany the article. Whenever you find yourself having to think about football, think about it instead:
Thanks! Your message has been sent!