It’s been a really weird news week for Oklahoma’s armpit.
First came this story where some lady attacked a couple of men with beer cans and silverware because they wouldn’t give her a free ride to a casino. I’ll tell you, it’s kind of sad what lengths people will go to just to lose money, drink free soda and smell like cigarettes and sadness. We should hook her up with that mad Uber driver.
That report was followed by this amazing gem that’s going national. Kristi Rines, pictured above, the wife of Jesus Christ, was arrested when she wasn’t able to pay her tab at the Lawton El Chico. Apparently, she and her husband were saving up money for some cosmetic dentistry. There are plenty of things Jesus can do on his own, but whitening teeth isn’t one of them.
Channel 5 sure knows a good Halloween decoration news story when they see it.
On October 11, the Oklahoma City news channel did a piece on some Edmond man’s Halloween lawn decorations that included a cheesy Obama tombstone. I guess some neighbor complained that it took “Halloween too far,” because apparently an annual celebration where people dress up like dead celebrities, Ebola zombies, murder victims, sluts, and even wear black face, has some sort of limitations when it comes to appropriateness.
Naturally, the story went national and probably got KOCO some decent web traffic and video views. Looking for similar success, they decided to tell us about some more Halloween decoration drama on Friday. This time around, it had to do with a fireman losing his cool when his neighbor blocked Halloween decorations with a trash can.
An Oklahoma City firefighter was arrested late Thursday night on complaints of assaulting a neighbor. According to police, it all started over Halloween decorations.
Matthew Jones worked hard on his haunted Halloween home in southeast Oklahoma City. It’s covered in ghosts, ghouls, spiders and other decorations. When a neighbor put two large trash cans in front of his beloved display, he got angry.
“I admit I was frustrated,” Jones said during a phone interview. “I kicked the trash can over and started the altercation as far as kicking the trash cans but at no point did I ever take a swing at him.”
The neighbor asked not to be identified. He claimed he came running out of his home when he heard his trash cans fall over.
The neighbor reported Jones pushed him and called him a racial slur. Jones claimed he was protecting himself and denied using the slur.
The police report said that Jones called the neighbor the N-word.
“I did not. I called him other words but as far as I recall I did not say that word,” Jones said.
Jeff Damron lives across the street and had no idea there was a problem.
“I was pretty shocked and surprised. It’s a really nice neighborhood,” he said.
Jones faces a city charge of assault and battery.
I can see the fireman’s frustration. If I spent all day building a Halloween nativity scene graveyard in my front yard, and then my jealous neighbor had the audacity to block it with his trash cans on trash day, I’d, uhm, well, think that was totally normal and not think about it.
But who knows. Maybe I’m wrong. Let’s see what this yard and Halloween decorations look like:
The delicious meal pictured above was recently served to a 17-year-old student at the Chickasha High School cafeteria. It’s called a “munchable” and is apparently part of Janet Barresi’s new “Eating Worse Than a Prisoner” school lunch program.
Like high school girls tend to do, the student probably posted a pic of the meal on Instagram. It then got her dad’s attention so he called Channel 5 to complain. They then pounced on the story like it was an empty carton of chocolate milk.
“Will work for Fiat.”
That’s a new panhandling sign you’re likely to spot on a street corner near you.
By now, you’ve surely seen or heard about the viral video of some angry Oklahoma City man scolding and threatening a grandma panhandler who is probably named Blanche after he learned the woman drove a new Fiat. Yep, a Fiat. I guess her Gio broke down or something.
Since last week, the video has received nearly 3,000,000 views on Facebook. It was filmed and posted by someone named Brandi Newman. Apparently, Brandi gave some money to Blanche earlier in the week in northwest Oklahoma City. When Brandi noticed Blanche getting into a Fiat at a nearby gas station a few days later, she decided to film it because nothing is more satisfying than showing your ignorance to the panhandling con. Then, in what can only be considered a weird coincidence and not a carefully planned and calculated Nathan Fielder stunt, some angry dude who was also duped confronted Blanche in the gas station parking lot.
Here’s the video:
First of all, I don’t blame the guy – his name is Daniel Ayala – for being upset. I’d be angry too if I learned a panhandler lied about needing food, and then used the money I handed to them on a street corner to buy a Fiat instead. That’s far worse than spending it on cigarettes, crack and cheap whiskey like most other panhandlers, right?
That being said, why was Daniel giving his lunch and gas money to a panhandler? Does he also buy magazines from the 27-year-old “student” looking to pay for his “class trip to Europe.” I assumed it was common knowledge that most panhandlers out there are not homeless. In fact, I’ve heard that most have homes and are simply lazy, out-of-work Berry Tramel impersonators.
Because they like to get to the bottom of the important stories, Channel 9 actually hunted down and taunted the 78-year-old lady, who – friendly reminder – stands at street corners begging for money. What could go wrong with that…
Authorities are asking for the public’s help in locating the criminal masterminds pictured above. The geniuses – who are sure to become regulars on either TruTV or the slapstick comedy circuit – broke into an Oklahoma City Subway on Sunday morning. They were so bad they had to it twice.
Via News 9:
OKC Police Look For The ‘Bumbling Burglars’
Oklahoma City police are looking for two “bumbling burglars” who broke into a Subway restaurant twice in the early morning hours of Sunday, September 21.
According to police, it happened at the Subway restaurant, located at 2720 S.W. 29th Street. The suspects reportedly threw a large rock through the glass door and entered the business.
Surveillance cameras in the restaurant captured the entire incident. Police said after the two committed the first burglary, the female suspect changed clothes, and both suspects returned to commit the second burglary.
As seen in the surveillance video, the two had quite a bit of trouble while committing the crime. At one point during the first burglary, the male suspect fell to the floor, but he managed to hold on to his cigarette.
At one point during the second burglary, police said the male suspect slammed the register on the ground, causing the attached power cord to hit him on top of his head.
Police said the two stole a safe containing about $1,500.
So they robbed a Subway twice in the same night and all they got was a safe filled with $1,500? What idiots. If you’re going to rob a Subway, the first thing you go for is that nuclear fission super oven. That thing is insane. In 20-seconds, it can turn a spongy bread-like substance topped with a glob of preservative-infused proteins into a scalding hot semi-edible creation that resembles a sandwich. The second thing I’d steal is that little tray they use to remove the “sandwiches” from the super oven. I think it protects you from the radiation or magic they use to power the thing.
Here’s the mildly amusing video of the capers putting in way too much effort to steal a Subway safe:
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