Last week, I noticed that there were like, three pages of results if you search “Oklahoma City” on one of our favorite sites, and some of the best satire anywhere, The Onion. I’m not going to try to crack too wise on these little nuggets because by design, they are already wisecracks. But won’t it be fun to get my take on and rank such great material? Sweet, plentiful boobs I hope it is. So now, I bring you..
The Top 5 OKC Stories on The Onion

5.) Kevin Durant High-Dribbler in Win w/186 Bounces
OKLAHOMA CITY—Thunder guard Kevin Durant dribbled the ball 73 times in the fourth quarter, leading all dribblers with 186 bounces in Oklahoma City’s win against the New York Knicks Saturday. “At first I was trying to just be patient and dribble only when I had to, like to avoid traveling and to run the offense,” said Durant, who is third in the league with 147.6 dpg and a 99.8 dribble percentage. “I know we’re not supposed to admit it, but yeah, by the end I was counting. 182, 183, 184, 185, 186 bounces. It felt good. Honestly, I was in such a zone that it felt like I was dribbling on a court twice as big.” Durant also led both teams with 43 jumps and 1,227 steps taken
Dammit, that’s funny. Also, it got me thinking: What if things like that really were important stats? In what you call “sawkker”, they actually count the touches a player has on the ball, but that usually translates into how many times that guy had the ball; not how many times he actually touched it. As boring as that is, what if they kept a stat in what you call “football” for Number of Butts Touched? Not so funny now, is it? “Wow, that was a really solid, extended NBT, Troy. Nice.” Joe Buck. Pffffft.
Check out the rest after the jump..

A month or so ago, we ranked the 20 Hottest Women in the Oklahoma City News Media. In the top spot was KFOR vixen Joleen Chaney. Last night, she and her hot coworker friend Bobbie Miller decided to go to the mall during their dinner break.  We know this because they tweeted about it:
@bobbiemiller Shopping on dinner break w/ @JoleenChaney http://twitpic.com/16nntd

That’s pretty cool!  It’s good to know that Joleen and Bobbie are still messing with us. Maybe next time they’ll go all out and take pictures at Victoria’s Secret.
Also, it’s also good to know that Joleen knows her pornstars.  Wait.  What?
@JoleenChaney uh…just saw jesse jane at express.
Wow. Joleen Chaney, Bobbie Miller and Jesse Jane were all hanging out at the mall at the same time!  The only thing that could make that any better would be if Ashlynn Brooke was eating a sandwich at Charlie’s Steakery and Gary England was casting lightning bolts from the top of the escalator.  That and an Orange Julius.  Mmmmn…Orange Julius.

Last week, the man pictured above was arrested on, get this, drug related charges.  From the state’s most trusted news:
Police said they found military ordnance, illegal mushrooms and other drugs in the home of a man who was arrested Tuesday.
John Francis Wallace, 46, was arrested after Warr Acres police served an arrest warrant with the assistance of an Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Department bomb squad, said Sgt. John Gray, Warr Acres police spokesman.
Officers went to Wallace’s house at 5710 N Central about 6:10 a.m. Tuesday and found methamphetamine, the drug ecstasy, marijuana and psilocybin mushrooms, Gray said.
I know meth is bad, but when did it start turning people into clown lepers?   Seriously, give this guy a band-aid…and Neosporin…and  a “Vote for Pedro” shirt.
I wish I could have been in Warr Acres for the arrest.  It was probably the most interesting thing to occur in that town since Incredible Pizza opened.  I bet the guy tried to evade police by running off on big stilts or by speeding away in tiny little car with an ooooga horn.  I bet he was also wearing a purple dress.
Anyway, instead of spending thousands of dollars on another silly Crystal Darkness documentary, our civic leaders should just put this guy in a cage and haul him around to every elementary schools across the state.  Meth and drug use would drop overnight.  Kids would also lose weight from throwing up their lunch. That makes it a “win win.”

This weekend, Oklahoma Magazine is hosting their 2010 Single in the City Party and Charity Auctions in OKC and Tulsa.  Here are all the amazing details.
Oklahoma Magazine presents the 2010 Single in the City Party and Charity Auction to benefit Make-A-Wish Foundation. The event will be held Saturday, Feb. 27, beginning at 6 p.m. at Skky Bar Ultra Lounge, 7 S. Mickey Mantle Dr.
The evening will be filled with music, a fashion show by several of OKC’s hottest boutiques, drinks and hors d’oeuvres and a live singles auction featuring 12 of the area’s most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes.
Proceeds from the event will be presented to Make-A-Wish Foundation, which grants the wishes of children with life-threatening medical conditions.  Presenting sponsors include Oklahoma Magazine, Skky Bar Ultra and 98.9 KISS FM.
Tickets are $20 in advance or $25 at the door and are available for purchase at Make-A-Wish Foundation of Oklahoma offices in OKC, 5201 N. Shartel, 405.286.4000, and at Skky Bar Ultra, 7 S. Mickey Mantle Dr.
Oklahoma Magazine will also present a companion event featuring 12 singles from the Tulsa area. The event will be held Friday, March 26 at 6 p.m. at Jewel, 3340 S. Peoria Ave. in Tulsa.
First of all, for $20 there better be some hot drunk single chicks in attendance.  If not, you should at least get a partial refund or gift bag.  Also, I’m kind of worried that KISS FM is a sponsor.  That means if there are hot drunk chicks around, Jack and Ron will probably creep them out and chase them away.
Also, I guess I should probably mention that I do write an award winning, “light-hearted” monthly column for Oklahoma Magazine.   The column is usually near the back page and is called “last word” or something like that.  And yes, they actually pay me to write the thing.  Hell, they even edit some of my typos for me.  It’s a pretty sweet gig.
That sweet gig, though, will not stop me from writing about this event.  There’s just too much material!  Check out my thoughts on some of this year’s participants — and what I think their auction value should be — after the jump.

Last week, an Oklahoma City gay man announced he is filing a lawsuit in hopes that he can get a personalized car tag that reads IMGAY.  Apparently he requested the tag, but the state tax commission ruled the proposed plate was “offensive to the general public.”  In a related note, I still haven’t received word if my personalized tag —MIDGETS — has been deemed appropriate of not.
Here’s an amazingly awkward and unintentionally fun from NewsOK that does a good job describing the situation:

On the unintentional comedy scale, I would rate this video a 7.
Keith Kimmel did a great job reinforcing the gay stereotype.  The miniature Dumb Donald hat was a nice touch. You also have to give credit to the Oklahoman reporter for awkwardly taking notes during the interview. Maybe — just maybe — someone should have let him know that the interview was being recording, therefore his short hand notes were unnecessary.  Thankfully, though, that didn’t happen, so we got all the uncomfortable silences and the shots of the gay dude peeking at the reporters notepad.  Or at least we think he’s peeking at the note pad.
Anyway, should the guy be able to get a car tag that says IMGAY?  I think so.  It will probably go well with his rainbow peace sign sticker and Darwin fish emblem that’s already on the back of his Volkswagen.  It will also be funny when Sally Kern gets caught keying his car.  We love easy material.

Actually, that headline is a lie.  Sean Sutton was arrested, but probably with normal things in his pockets.  I was just trying to find a clever way to tie together two of the weirder new stories that came out of Oklahoma last week.  I probably failed.  Here are the details of those stories:
Sean Sutton Arrested on Drug Complaints
Former Oklahoma State basketball head coach Sean Sutton obtained prescription drugs from two women he met in a drug rehabilitation center, according to a law enforcement affidavit.
Payne County District Attorney Robert Hudson said that he anticipates filing charges against Sutton Tuesday of obtaining a controlled dangerous substance by fraud, possession of Oxycontin, attempted possession of Adderral and Clonazepam, and use of a communication device — a cell phone — to commit a felony.
Sutton was arrested Thursday following an investigation by the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. He was released on $10,000 bond about 3:30 p.m. Friday on the condition that he go to a treatment center, Hudson said.
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Oklahoma City man with ‘666′ tattoo on his head arrested with disturbing contents in his pockets.
Police found marijuana last week in the pants pocket of a man with the number “666″ tattooed on his forehead. But it was what else they found in the pockets of 47-year-old Scott Brian Bradley that concerned them.
According to the police report, Bradley’s jacket pockets contained:
• Numerous pictures of young girls.
• Four pair of women’s panties
• Three used condoms and one unused condom.
• A 3-inch vibrator
• Women’s jewelry
• A 1988 Topps Jim Traber Baseball Card*
• A camera memory card
• A shaving razor
• A small plastic wire loop
• A small children’s rubber toy lizard
These stories are pretty sad and weird.  But know what would be sadder and weirder?  If we were able to have Sean Sutton and the creepy transient drifter dude fight each other in one of those MTV claymation-style Celebrity Death Matches.
Actually, that wouldn’t be sad or weird.  That would be cool!

Remember that bratwurst aroma you smelled coming from the police station a few weeks ago?  There was a reason for all of that. From News9.com.
A German man is in the Oklahoma County jail on allegations he conned an Oklahoma City Police captain.
Maziar Golchehr, 27, was arrested on charges of possession of a sawed off rifle and wearing body armor during the commission of a felony.
Police say in March 2009, Golchehr befriended the police captain under the guise he was in law enforcement in Germany.
In late 2009, he allegedly told the captain he needed a place to stay and the captain allowed him to move in for five weeks. During that time, police admit Golchehr was granted access to the police station.
He was allowed on ride-a-longs and was even able to shoot an OKCPD weapon illegal for civilians. When another officer within the department became suspicious, federal authorities were contacted and eventually it was discovered from Germany that Golchehr was not in law enforcement.
Yeah, leave it to our police department to get duped by a German con man.   I don’t know about you, but I think this reinforces what we already knew.  If you ever get pulled over in the metro area, hope and pray that it’s by an Oklahoma City Cop.
Seriously, you could get caught speeding through a school zone with Jack Bowen dressed like a school girl in your trunk and you’d probably be able to talk your way out of a ticket.  Hell, the only thing you’d need to do is wear a black cape and hood and tell them that you’re a Ninja Assassin Bounty Hunter.  Not only would they let you off the hook, but they’d probably give you a medal and take you to the police station and let you throw Chinese stars for practice or something.

I know today is a slow news day, but the top headline currently up at NewsOK is kind of ridiculous.

Here’s a little tip to the editors at NewsOK.  If you’re going to provide top headline coverage to the retirement of a band that peaked in 1984, have some fun with the headline.  Write something like “Winds of Change: Scorpions to Call it Quits” or “Rocked Like a Hurricane, Scorpions End Long Career.”  Hell, even try putting an ALSO in front of the headline.  We know you’ve done that before.