We like to occasionally give Steve Lackmeyer a hard time on this site for his obsession with ugly old buildings, and sometimes enjoy ribbing Nolan Clay for his creepy fascination with strip clubs, so I guess it’s only fair that we call out the Oklahoman’s William Crum for his bizarre love affair with goats.
Okay, that sounded weird. It’s not that type of love affair. This isn’t a short story about the Mathis Brothers petting zoo or anything. William is actually just the leading authority of the Oklahoma City goats (that would have been a great name for the Blue or Dodgers) that are keeping the grass down at Lake Hefner.
Thanks to Crum’s dedication to this topic, we now know the goats have a friend. It’s a yet to be named orphaned donkey.
She never saw it coming…
The cards were wrong…
She bought her crystal ball from Sears…
Those are all awful, Facebook comment-level one-liners that popped in my head when I first read this story about local psychic Sonia Marks (pictured above). She was arrested by the Oklahoma County Sheriff yesterday due to charges that she defrauded people out of millions of dollars.
Here’s the write-up from News 9. As a service to you, a loyal reader, I’m going to attempt to write the rest of this post without anymore bad jokes about psychic clichés.
Here we go:
A woman wanted in Ohio on a number of charges was arrested by deputies with the Oklahoma County Sheriff’s office.
Authorities from Hamilton County, Ohio notified the Oklahoma County Sheriff’s Office Warrant Team in mid-November that 50-year-old Sonia Marks, a self-confessed “Psychic”, was living in Oklahoma County.
Marks was wanted in Ohio for Grand Theft, Theft, and Engaging in a Pattern of Corrupt Activity. According to police officials in Ohio, those charges stem from a psychic scam Marks used to bilk victims out of nearly $1 million, dating back to 1994.
Apparently Marks couldn’t divine the tea leaves about her own impending arrest. After the investigation was launched, deputies soon learned Marks lived and worked as a palm reader in the 6600 block of S. Western Ave.
WTF? Divine the tea leaves? I don’t know if I should be embarrassed or proud about this, but I had no clue those were even a thing until I Googled it a few minutes ago. I just don’t get into astrology, palm reading, mystical B.S., extended warranties at Best Buy and other known frauds. In fact, the only thing I know about the psychic profession is what I learned from watching Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. The psychic in the movie was so dumb that she thought Pee Wee’s bicycle was in the basement in the Alamo?! What an idiot!
Actually, that would be a good way to vet a psychic. Simply ask Ms. Cleo or Dionne Warwick if the Alamo has a basement. If they say “Yes,” then ask if that cool breakfast machine from the beginning of Pee Wee’s Big Adventure will ever become a reality? If they say “Yes” to that, well then you might have a keeper. If you’re going to have a psychic, make sure they’re ambitious.
Anyway, Madame Marks has a long, storied history of making shit up to people in exchange for money. At least I think she does. I did a little Google research and stumbled across this L.A. Times article from 1994. I’m not sure if Sonia Marks is to psychics as Alexis is to strippers, but it could be the same person. Regardless, the story brings up a good point. How can you convict a psychic of fraud when police departments have hired Sylvia Browne to find missing people, or shows like Medium have existed? Just because you’re a bad psychic and wrong all the time and can make some shit up about someone’s future, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t get paid.
I also stumbled across Sonia’s profile on a psychic for hire website. Here it is:
If Saturday left any doubts, Samaje Perine has officially made it.
Yesterday, the Taiwanese Animators released a video recapping the OU running back’s record-setting day in Gaylord Oklahoma Memorial, or as OSU fans like to call it, The Big Gay.
The video is amazingly accurate in its storytelling. It shows stereotypical rain-soaked OU fans enjoying the game…
Sterling Shepard using a toy he bought from Patricia’s (or the Hustler Store) to massage his groin…
And KU defenders showcasing their tackling skills…
Check out the entire video after the jump. You’ll probably want to watch it three or four times like I just did…
I was running some errands yesterday in NW OKC and spotted this on the back of a Mercury Villager minivan.
When I noticed the sticker, I thought “Yeah right… there’s no way someone is driving around town with a porn site ad on the back of their minivan. It’s probably just a weird goth band or something.” So I grabbed my phone, went to GirlsChoke.com, and, well, yes way, someone is totally driving around town with a porn site sticker on the back of their minivan.
That may seem a little weird, tacky and gross, but at least there were not any stick figures having an orgy on the bottom right corner of the window. Also, the ad does provide a public service. Apparently there are some people out there who are not aware there’s an ample supply of free pornography on the internet. And of course, these people live in Lawton.
We know this thanks to Anthony Mercier. He was recently busted trying to steal $1,200 worth of “porn” from a Lawton video store.
A Lawton man is behind bars after he stole nearly $1,200 in pornography from Family Video.
Okay, let’s just stop it right there and address some questions…
1. Oklahoma video stores can sell porn? Unless our legislature recently changed some laws at the Blue House, the answer is “No.” Oklahoma retail outlets are only able to sell 3.2% porn. You know, stuff like “Red Shoe Diaries” or “Rochelle! Rochelle!”
2. Family Video has an adult video section? That may be the greatest oxymoron of all time. Before you know it, Mardel will start selling biblical erotica and Family Leisure will let swingers have sex in the showroom hot tubs.
3. Why was the guy stealing from Family Video? Isn’t this the same place that lets you rent 10 movies for $1 without any late fees? That would be like jacking a pizza from Cici’s. It’s about as stupid as paying for porn.
Here’s the rest of the story. Like most things in Lawton, it involves cigarette lighters and the smell of burning plastic:
The list of things that can kill you in Oklahoma continues to grow.
In addition to tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, wildfires, blizzards, heat, and mountain lions, now we have to worry about meteorites.
Need proof? Check out this YouTube video of what some guy claims is a meteor exploding in the sky over Edmond this morning.
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