The lady pictured above is Shawnee resident Toni Jones, or as she should probably be known from here on out, “Sweet Shawnee Brown.”
On Monday, some asshole attempted to carjack Toni at a Shawnee Homeland. That wasn’t a good idea. Toni, a certified badass and person I’d like to take to Medieval Times, fought back with the help of her sister and a good Samaritan. Before the carjacker could say “Methamphetamine,” he found himself locked in handcuffs and placed under “citizen’s arrest.”
Banking on a “Local Woman Fends Off Attacker In Homeland Parking Lot” story to lead off their 10pm newscast, all four local Oklahoma City news channels rushed to Shawnee to get Jones’ first person account of the ordeal. It’s pretty amazing.
I posted all four local news reports after the jump. For fun, I decided to rank them based upon how many Red Bull and vodkas and / or painkillers Toni may have consumed before each interview. Check them out:
The law enforcement official pictured above is Oklahoma State Trooper Daniel Martin.
In 2009, he we was suspended for five days without pay after he pulled over and assaulted a paramedic that was transporting a patient to the hospital. Later on that year, he was placed on administrative leave for allegedly beating a Holdenville man with a nightstick.
Knowing Martin’s violent history, the OHP did what any logical organization would do. They sent him to work with high school students at the Cadet Lawman Academy. What could go wrong with that?
Love is blind. It apparently can’t smell very well, either.
The big story in OKC last week had to do with Riginald Haney and Page Pals. They took a break from hunting hobbits and were busted having sex have on a sidewalk in front of church in South Oklahoma City.
Do you have friends “in low places.” Do you have a “barbecue stain on a white t-shirt?” Have you ever kissed your cousin on the same road you drank your first beer and found Jesus?
If you answered “Yes” to any of the questions, there’s a good chance you are News 9 anchor Amanda Taylor. If you’re not her, then you’re just a good old country livin’, KXY listenin’, meth abusin’ Oklahoman. The Sooner state was recently named by Estately as the number one place in the country where life is most like a country song.
Truck yeah boot skootin woogie forever feels!
Earlier this week, The Oklahoman’s Steve Lackmeyer climbed down from the Devon Tower to report that some goofy landman wanted to build a 220-ft-tall Star Flyer in Bricktown. Based on a Google image search, a Star Flyer is either a futuristic amusement park ride or a really big ship. Since I’m guessing a 220-foot-tall boat probably wouldn’t fit in the Bricktown Canal, I’ll assume it’s the ride.
Here’s the description from the Australian ride manufacturer Fun Time:
The StarFlyer is the newest sensation in the world of Tower rides. It is a unique attraction that appeals to both young and old, the adventurous and not so adventurous. While most tower attractions seem to fizzle out after time the StarFlyer keeps the excitement going.
No other family attraction combines safety and thrills like the StarFlyer.
The StarFlyer can operate in high winds unlike many other Tower rides as it has been TUV certified to operate in a wind speed of force 8 (74Km/h)1. We are also increasing the height of the SkyFlyer every year and a sales representative will be able advise you of our current maximum height.
To ride, guests are seated in a double seat next to their friend or partner, the seat is deep walled and fitted with double seat belts that include an ‘in between the leg harness’ that can only be unlocked by the operator.
The motion of the StarFlyer is similar to the ChairFlyer type of ride that has been around for decades, except with one difference – Altitude.
The StarFlyer spins like a normal Chainflyer but also races up to a top as it is spinning! Then the customers are treated to a series of ups and downs as they spin backwards and forwards. A truly exhilarating experience.
Exhilarating? How about fucking terrifying! I’ll ignore that eyesore and stick with catching a ride on the Bricktown Water Taxi or rolling around on a Segway.
What an awful idea. Let’s get people to visit Bricktown, eat a meal at Spaghetti Warehouse or Chelino’s, and then spin around in circles at 220-feet while feeling an occasional free fall. What could go wrong with that?
Fortunately, the Bricktown Urban Design Committee feels the same way, only they are much nicer about it. Via NewsOK.com:
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