If you know me readers, you know that I live in a constant state of terror. I’m always at least half an inch from a panic attack, and at any given moment, I could just pass out from fear. Perhaps this is why I drink. Or maybe this why caffeine has some pretty terrible effects on me. Either way, suffice it say that I’ve got white knuckles that are constantly holding on for dear life.
Perhaps I’m one of the few people who truly has a freakout when I hear a sensationalized news story. Right now, Louisiana might be blown off the map by Isaac, everyone in the state has West Nile and is probably going to die a slow and painful death, and Lindsey Lohan is the greatest jewel thief in the world. So imagine my horror when I heard that Oklahoma has reported an increase in black widow spider bites this summer. That’s right, y’all. Arachnophobia is happening and Jeff Daniels isn’t hear to shoot that big ol’ slimy spider with a nail gun.
While the reports may try to downplay the severity of what is actually going on, I think you too should fear the worst. According to the report on NewsOK.com:
See that image above? That’s a “mysterious” rock formation built by either aliens, architects or druids that some dude discovered via Google Maps. We know the rock formation is mysterious because Channel 4 is desperate for viewers and said it was. Fortunately, they sent their ace reporter, Adam Dueweke, to the scene to investigate.
Here’s what we learned:
It’s been a strange national headline grabbing week for Oklahoma students. First, some girl from Prague wasn’t given her high school diploma because she said “Hell” during her commencement speech. Now we have some kid making the news because his parents are obnoxious Michigan fans.
From News 9:
A local parent is demanding changes to the dress code policy at her son’s Elementary school.
Last week, The principal at Wilson Elementary asked 5-year-old Cooper Barton to turn his University of Michigan t-shirt inside-out.
The boy’s mother says her son was told he was only allowed to wear an O.U. or O.S.U. shirt to Kindergarten class.
In fact, the dress code for Oklahoma City Public Schools states that only Oklahoma college apparel is allowed. Clothes from all other schools are against current policy.
“They should really worry about academics. It wasn’t offensive. He’s five,” says Cooper’s mother Shannon Barton.
Barton says her son had to turn his shirt inside out on the playground behind a tree.
The OKCPS Dress Code policy also says no professional team apparel. That means students are prohibited from wearing Oklahoma City Thunder gear to class.
The district says the dress code was created in 2005 with the help of an Anti-Gang Task Force.
When I first heard this story, I kind of felt sorry for the kid. Even though he probably couldn’t locate Michigan on a map, he just wanted to support his Michigan Wolverines! But then I saw this follow-up story. Apparently the Michigan Athletic Department heard about the ordeal. Now they’re now going to honor him and his opportunistic parents at halftime of a football game.
Via News 9:
Back in 2008, we wrote about former KTUL Channel 8 (Tulsa) news reporter Jerry Giordano. We did this because one night he got drunk, wrecked his car, fled the scene, and then shit his pants. And he did it all while wearing a dapper blue tanktop! Total TLO material, right?
Despite the negative publicity, Mr. Giordano wasn’t fired by KTUL. In fact, they kept him on for another couple of years. He finally left in 2010 to either sell real estate for Coldwell Banker or just do a bunch of meth. We’re not sure which one. From the Tulsa World:
A former Tulsa television news anchorman was arrested Monday after police found a substance in his vehicle that is believed to be meth, an arrest report states.
Jerry Giordano, 50, who left his longtime position at KTUL, channel 8, in 2010, was pulled over about 11:40 p.m. Sunday in a pickup that contained two bags of a “crystalline substance” and another “large rock” of the substance, the report says.
Police stopped the 1990 Ford F-150 on Harvard Avenue just north of 41st Street after noticing an expired license tag, according to the report. Giordano also had no insurance, so police called for a wrecker and searched the pickup, the report says.
A small bag of the substance was in the driver’s seat, along with another bag in a driver-side door panel and the rock in the driver-side door handle, according to the report.
The substance in the bag on the driver’s seat tested “presumptive positive” for methamphetamine, the report says.
Giordano was arrested and booked into the Tulsa Jail on a complaint of drug possession, records show. He was released on $2,500 bond.
That’s sad, but on a positive note, at least he didn’t shit his pants! Or maybe he changed his diaper. Who knows.
Also, his new mug shot is much more frightening than the one from 2008. Thanks to that weird little smirk and blue tank top, he kind of looked like a whimsical Canadian. This time around he looks like a guy who eats whimsical Canadians (or small children and puppies) for breakfast…or a meth addict who’s watching his career disintegrate before his eyes.
Anyway, hopefully Jerry Giordano doesn’t threaten to sue us for writing about his illegal behavior. He’s done it before. Check out this email he sent to us and the Irritated Tulsan back in 2010:
Unless you’re my dad and depend solely upon The Lost Ogle for local news and information, you’ve surely heard the story about the Kaitlin Nootbaar. She’s the valedictorian from Prague High School who was denied her diploma because she, get this, dropped an H-bomb in her commencement speech.
The H-bomb she dropped wasn’t atomic, nor was it the words “Hatefucker” or “Hercules Dick,” which were my nicknames in high school. No, she had the nerve to say “Hell” in her commencement speech, which ironically enough, just happens to be the home of the Prague mascot.
Since KFOR broke the news, it’s gone ultra-viral. It’s made the front page of Yahoo and has been picked up by just about every major media outlet across the globe. This has led to an outpouring of support for Kaitlin, and a rush of people stumbling across our site in search of more information about Joleen Chaney. Seriously, check out our search engine stats from yesterday:
Sorry 75 random perverted dudes who saw a video of Joleen Chaney and then decided to search for bikini pics of her. We don’t have any, and we don’t know if any exist. However, if you did stumble across some while googling, can you send them our way? We’d love to post them. Plus, we heard bikini pics of Joleen Chaney make for a great watermelon fertilizer.
Anyway, it appears that the asshat who decided to withhold Kaitlin’s diploma is Prague Public School’s superintendent Rick Martin. He’s been very defensive about the whole ordeal. Here’s a picture of him from the Prague Public School’s website.
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