The guy pictured above is Austin Bowling. He’s a weatherman for KSWO in Lawton. He also owns one of those mini-helicopters you pull with a string.
We know all this thanks to this blooper caught by a Mole from the Lawton area. You need to watch it.
What a night…
As I mentioned on Twitter, I’ve been a hardcore severe weather porn addict for over 20 years. I’ve never seen a weather event quite like yesterday. It wasn’t the most destructive storm we’ve ever had, but it sure was the weirdest.
But I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised. We all should have known something was up when this image hit Twitter yesterday morning:
Yep, it’s official. There’s something really evil and scary taking place on the Dark Side of the Severe Weather Force. Since the May 20th, 2013 tornado, Mike Morgan instructed people to head south, Lord England retired, and Aaron Tuttle googled the term “copyright attorney who practices copyright law.” Now all of sudden we have this Dark Weather Priestess of Shadows appearing out of nowhere and flipping off Weather Predictor 5. That had to hurt Damon Lane’s feelings. $100 says she’s the same person responsible for David Payne’s Shadow Weather Dong.
Then again, I’m probably overreacting. The Weather Priestess isn’t even a meteorologist (of course, neither is Mike Morgan). Her name is actually “Plaaastic.” She’s a blogger, dancer, and Instagram star with a huge following. Apparently, she was visiting Channel 5 on some sort of “foreign exchange tour.” She’s not an evil demi-god sent to destroy us all.
Actually, I think it would be really cool for a channel or two to hire an evil weather girl. Plaaastic would be a good fit at KFOR Channel 4. She’d be the perfect rain cloud to Emily Sutton’s sunshine. Mike Morgan will probably name her chief storm chaser and put her on a speedy motorcycle named Bob Moore Crotch Rocket 4! We’d all watch. Admit it, the dark side is kind of fun.
Anyway, a lot happened after Plaaastic creeped on the scene. At first, May 6th, 2015, seemed like your typical May severe weather day in Oklahoma. Storms fired up near Chickasha and slowly moved their way east/northeast up I-44 into the Moore / Norman area. When the tornado went through Norman, the whole storm stalled and small tornadoes either popped up out of nowhere, or reformed in the exact spots they were an hour earlier. This caused Mike Morgan to drop fancy new tornado words like “Multi-Vortex Suction Spots” and “Sink Drain Effect.”
The random twisters that popped from the sky were scary. One formed in the middle of the storm near Will Rogers World Airport. The tornado slowly skipped and danced east through south Oklahoma City and into Valley Brook, where it got a quick lap dance before turning south to grab some drugs at a motel on I-35 and SE 44th. Stormchasers called it The Methnado.
While this was going on, the southern half of the Oklahoma City metro was literally caught in a torrential downpour. It was so insane the Hobby Lobby family got out their huge boat and started loading animals on it just to be safe. Highway medians looked like the Lazy River at White Water. Streets flooded, idiots drove into them, and news cameras were on hand to film it.
The flooding led Oklahoma City to declare the first ever Emergency Flood Disaster in the city’s history. Apparently that’s a big deal. It caused Damon Lane to jizz in his pants on live TV. He was so excited you would have thought he had just given birth to a tornado. His excitement even carried over to Twitter:
FLASH FLOOD EMERGENCY FOR OKC. NEVER BEEN ISSUED FOR OKC BEFORE. HISTORIC FLOODING UNDERWAY. PARTS THAT HAVE NOT FLOODED BEFORE WILL
— Damon Lane (@KOCOdamonlane) May 7, 2015
His loyal co-workers decided to play along:
FLASH FLOOD EMERGENCY FOR OKC METRO. First time ever issued. #kocostorms (9:07pm)
— Jessica Schambach (@KOCOJessica) May 7, 2015
For the next 30 minutes or so, flash flooding and tornado damage dominated the news. And then our worst fear came true… The Tigernado.
I guess you can say yesterday’s weather forecast lived up to its billing…
After a few days of hype, the 2015 Severe Weather season rolled into Oklahoma yesterday evening, packing with it a powerful punch of strong winds, large hail, and tornadoes. Here’s a pic of a Tulsa-area twister that took one life near Sand Springs.
— World News Tonight (@WNTonight) March 26, 2015
In the metro, Moore was the target of Mother Nature’s fury… again. Following a similar path to the deadly May 20th tornadoes, they caused damage, a few serious injuries and made us all ask “Why is Moore always in the path of these damn storms?!”
That’s actually a legit question. It’s one I first asked when a 2003 Moore tornado missed my house by only about six blocks. What the hell is going on there? Is there some sort of atmospheric condition above Pickle’s that spawns tornadoes? Are the weather gods also annoyed by Toby Keith’s music? Can some meteorologist who doesn’t dabble as a spray tanned bodybuilder answer these questions in the comments?
With all that, we also marked the beginning the 2015 Severe Weather Coverage Season. We previewed it yesterday. Some of our questions were answered (it appears Mike has officially retired the bedazzled tie), while others are still mysteries (what is Channel 9 going to do with the new girl).
Overall, the coverage didn’t disappoint. After knocking off some winter weather rust, the local severe weather teams were in mid-spring form. Chief Meteorologists were declaring their own tornado warnings, storm chasers were inventing new words to describe tornados, and social media bandits clogged your timelines with boring pic of hail after boring pic of hail. It was a spring treat.
Like every Oklahoman, I flipped through the channels and scrolled through social media looking for the best radar updates, live shots and RTs. Since this is what my obviously sad, depressing life has come to, I thought I would give some off-the-cuff, highly unscientific grades:
KWTV News 9: C
You could tell David Payne was a bit slow with his clicker. He was visibly irritated by the positioning of some of his stormchasers and he lacked chemistry with whoever controlled his radar. And when the tornado was about to touch down in Moore, he seemed more concerned with high winds near the Fairgrounds. He was also victimized by a couple of amazing weather dongs:
According to the local weather gods, the 2015 severe weather season kicks off today in Oklahoma. As the map of doom below clearly shows, we may be in for some large hail, damaging winds and a 4-hour scream therapy session with David Payne
In all honesty, that’s pretty tame compared to the maps we usually see in April or May. Wake me up when that map turns all red and purple like Emily Sutton in a triathlon.
Anyway, with a new severe weather season coming down upon us like a wall cloud, I thought it would be fun to preview the Severe Weather Coverage season by taking a look at some storylines to follow.
Before we do, lets review some basic weather safety procedures:
• Difference between a tornado watch and a tornado warning. A Tornado Watch simple means there’s a good chance there’s going to be a state map on the bottom left of your TV screen for a good part of the day. Be cautious and aware. A Tornado Warning means the Chief Meteorologist is going to cut into live programming to likely show you helicopter footage of a slow-moving wall cloud located 30-miles north of Woodward… or a funnel cloud approaching your neighborhood. One of the two.
• Tornado Safety Precautions. If you hear sirens or see Bob Moore Chopper 4 from your backyard, either get underground, hide beneath a pile of pillows and blankets in a hall closet or bathroom, or head south and try to outrun the storm. It’s your call.
• Clean out your shelter. Also, consider how you’re going to address that awkward moment when your neighbor frantically knocks on the shelter door, pleading for you to unlock it and save his life, but you don’t have extra room because you brought your dogs.
With that out-of-the-way, here are 11 storylines to follow for the 2015 season…
If you’ve been reading this site over the years, you’re probably aware that we like to write about and parody diabolical Facebook weatherman Aaron Tuttle (pictured above with a bunch of drag queens). The guy makes it pretty easy for us. He’s like the Regular Jim Traber of weathermen. He’s moody, narcissistic, egotistical, right-wing, and best of all, a public figure who likes to post pics like this on Facebook:
Question? Can someone with mad web skills add that photo to the Wikipedia entry on douche bags? I can’t think of a better pic.
In addition to the endearing traits we listed above, Aaron – or as he calls himself when masturbating in front of a mirror, “AT” – lacks a sense of humor and basic knowledge of copyright laws. We know this because last week he filed a DMCA takedown request to our hosting provider. He claimed we were infringing on his copyrights by posting photos like the one above. You know, the ones where he dressed up like a spray tan model for Halloween, posted crying selfies, and auditioned to be a short-shorts model.
Here’s a snippet of his complaint that was copied and pasted from a generic legal website, which ironically enough, can probably be considered some sort of copyright violation:
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