No, I’m not Clark Matthews, and I’ll be doing my best to not let you confuse us for one another. There are plenty of differences between us, including my lack of knowing 5,000 words to say about anything. So this is just a little something from the hockey fan of our bunch. Patrick claims to love the Buffalo Sabres, but we all know that they have nothing to do with hockey. So this will be a small-scale “Clark Matthews on a Thursday” impersonation. Well, it won’t be a spot-on impersonation, because I’ll be wearing pants and won’t be right outside your bedroom window. Clark is a danger to us all. So as the title suggests, this is going to be a sports diatribe. Not about a sport you love, but about hockey and the loss of the OKC Blazers. Though not much of a Blazers fan anymore, I do love hockey. I’ve been a Penguins fan since the days of the Sega Genesis and I’ve supported them through the good and bad times. It’s been good lately. I even managed to play ice hockey myself  for nearly ten years, until re-retiring recently, winning four championships and scoring literally dozens of goals in a storied beer league career. I really like my hockey, is the point. Which will bring us around to this news about the Blazers. Let’s talk about it for a sec.

Not long ago when I was appointed Lost Ogle Senior Unappreciated Sport Analyst, I never really thought I’d get to do anything with my lofty new title. It naturally gave me the confidence to take home a slightly higher class of skank at the end of the night, but that’s it. It was really just sitting around not being used. But with the (sort of) surprise suspension of operations (folding) of our beloved OKC Blazers, I’ve been assigned the task of talking about it to justify my sweet ass title. So what’s the deal with the Blazers, you ask?

Basically, the Blazers as an organization are no more. They cite purely economic reasons for the shutdown, and not renewing their Ford Center lease was a sure sign that this was coming.  They’re broke, and you made them that way. Don’t worry, I’m guilty too. Personally, I haven’t attended the games in years, and even then it was only because my BFF had a free suite containing free booze. I think we watched most of it on the tv inside. To make a long story short, nobody was going to the games. Hockey’s always been a tough sell here, and the CHL is certainly not its best representation. But the lack of revenue combined with a few losing seasons in a row was just too much to overcome. Add to that the presence of the NBA and the Blazers were a natural choice to fold. The good news is, it just might end up being a stepping stone towards a nice little hockey upgrade. We’ve already requested a talk with the American Hockey League about obtaining a franchise, and they just happen to have one sitting dormant. The Edmonton Oilers have had all kinds of trouble finding and keeping a minor league franchise since 2005. Edmonton acquired the Toronto Roadrunners only to halt operations three years later and move their farm system to an existing franchise in Springfield (not “Springfield“). So the Edmonton Roadrunners are just sitting on a shelf, with no players and nowhere to play. Having the AHL in town would offer much more entertaining sport with potential for real talent, but would not seem laden with outrageous ticket prices. Yes, I’m sure there would be an increase in general, but the AHL is no NBA. What it is though, is a genuine major-league farm system. Being one step below the NHL is a pretty good upgrade I think, and could actually bring some fast-skating, competitive hockey to our town. The AHL’s top players generally have 2-way contracts with the NHL team owning their rights, allowing them to be brought up or sent down with barely a day’s notice. The fun part about that is getting the chance to see up and coming NHL stars being trained for the big time. And maybe the occasional huge star who’s just trying to get his legs back after a long rehab from injury. Either way, it’s a better level of hockey than we’ve had in a long time. If you remember, the Blazers were a major farm team themselves back in the Stone Age. I think it was the 70s, actually. There’s really no way to ever be sure, but we had some serious hockey players. Players that would make Joe Burton take a tiny little poop in his padded pants.

I guess the bottom line is, the Blazers are gone. I’m somewhat sad to see them go on an emotional level, but at the same time I’m excited about the chance for an upgrade. Here’s a true story to defend my stance: A few years ago, the adult league hockey team I played on for years had our regular weekly practice at the Blazers Ice Center, and a few Blazers showed up and decided to play with us. I guess this was something we had no choice in, because we were all either drunk, stoned or some combination of the two, and weren’t keen on trying real hard. We just wanted to skate and have fun, like always. So these 4 Blazer skaters and their starting goalie are playing in our scrimmage, two on each team. I’m a 28yr-old-ish very average hockey-playing dumbass from Oklahoma. As the Blazers’ then-Captain tries a pass across to his defensive partner, the puck hits my skate and squirts right out in front of me for a full-on, 3-zone breakaway. As nobody cared enough to catch me, it was just me and the starting goalie for my city’s pro hockey team! I skate in, make one tiny little move with my stick and fling the puck right between his legs and into the net. In hockey terms, I five-holed him. Yes, him — the starting goalie for our city’s pros. And at that moment I stopped caring about the Blazers. As fun as that night was, I don’t think I should’ve been able to score on that guy. But I’m sure he heard about it more than I did. I’m just some chump with a beard who drinks a beer on the bench. He’s a pro who has to deal with a locker room everyday. There’s no telling if an AHL team can make it here, but when (or if) things level off for everyone financially, I promise it’ll be fun. Americans seem pretty willing to pay just a little more for a product that’s just a little better, so it might work. Either way, there will be no pro hockey in OKC next season. This is where I make my recommendations for you, because Friday’s posts have ruined me for writing objective commentary. Here’s what you should do: Go watch the OU and UCO men’s hockey teams!

College hockey is probably more like what you want anyway: It’s faster, meaner and a whole lot closer to your face than a Blazers game. Both teams play local games at the Blazers Ice Center and at Arctic Edge Ice Arena, respectively. These are the only venues in town, and I’ve played at both many times. The action is literally five inches from your face, no matter where you sit. Also, the skating, shooting and stickhandling talent these two programs boast has improved drastically over the last few years. It’s a good time, and it’s better than being outside or in a mall.

So fear not, OK-Citizens. There will be pro hockey in our future. It sounds cheesy, but I know the Blazers have a very devout legion of fans out there. They’re sad to see the team fold, but if we’re going to call “Big League” as soon as we get a taste, we have to accept the consequences, and the Blazers and their inferior sports product were one of them. It’s the end of a great 17 year run, including two championships. I’m glad I got to share the ice with some of the a few times, as they all seemed like pretty good dudes. And that’s the part that sucks. There’s really no guarantee any of those guys will always get to earn a living playing one of the most beautiful sports on Earth, and for some this may be the death of a dream. I feel for those guys. But the AHL could come fill the void, and that would be plenty cool. Puns! Go hockey.

When the Supersonics fired their former general manager, Rick Sund, I remember being very excited about the prospect of SamPresti being the guy in charge of basketball operations when the team moved here.  The guy, who graduated high school only one year before I did, was a wunderkind who was credited with convincing the San Antonio Spurs to take a chance on Tony Parker.  It indicated to me that he was a young guy, who thinks outside the box, and does a great job of evaluating talent.

Early on, he was everything I anticipated.  His first draft pick was a no-brainer, taking Kevin Durant at #2 overall, but following that, he actually showed his acumen.  Realizing that the Sonics roster situation at the time was not going to take them anywhere, and seeing that their days in Seattle were numbered, he gutted the team and put them into instant re-building mode.  He jettisoned star player, fan favorite, and Seattle lover Ray Allen and his atrocious contract to Boston for the #5 pick in that draft (which became Jeff Green) and a plethora of players that could be traded later.

When free agency came that Summer, he refused to overpay the team’s own free agent Rashard Lewis who ended up signing a max-level contract with the Orlando Magic.  Except, he didn’t just let Lewis walk away.  In return for being the one who wrote up the contract (allowing Lewis an extra year on the contract), he got a first round pick from Orlando in a sign and trade.  Later in the year, he used the salary cap space the team saved by not having Lewis to acquire Kurt Thomas from San Antonio who gave the team three future first round picks (including a Phoenix pick in next year’s draft that is shaping up to be very valuable) for saving them money.  So, in essence, he turned a guy he was going to let walk into four first round picks.

Over the next couple of years, he shuffled around players that the team didn’t need for players whose contracts were soon to expire and created a ton of cap space.  Everything he did was enacted with the long term plan in mind.  That’s the good that has been built into tale of how infallible the great Sam Presti has become.  But is he really a genius?

I started to question him during the 2008 draft.  With the #4 overall pick, he went with what everyone thought was a reach when he selected Russell Westbrook.  It obviously was not a bad pick.  Westbrook turned out to be one of the league’s best rookie’s last year.

Of course, some context needs to be added here.  While Westbrook broke out by scoring well for a point guard and grabbing rebounds at a good clip for a guard, he did so with the benefit of playing for a team that was destined for the lottery and gave their young players free rein.  Also, last year’s draft class was stacked.  Michael Beasley, the second pick overall, averaged 13.9 points and 5.4 rebounds in 24 minutes a game for a playoff team and was considered a bust.  Normally, those would be numbers would have had him in running for rookie of the year.  To get a good player in such a draft pool, Presti could have pulled a name out of a hat (and maybe he did).

Regarding the pick of Westbrook, Presti was hailed as a guy who would go with the best available player, regardless of if the player fit a need or with regard to where the player was projected to be selected.  It added shine to the idea that Presti was always thinking long term.

You had to look at it that way to be happy with it, because Westbrook, for all his great tools, was a project.  He played shooting guard in high school and college, had never been expected to run an offense full time and now on the biggest stage in basketball he was going to learn on the job.  And if Presti had drafted for need, the biggest being a center, he would have taken Brook Lopez, who also had an awfully good rookie year.

That’s where I really question Presti’s vision.  Knowing that he could have filled a hole like center with Lopez, a solid defending true seven footer with refined offensive skills, an inquiring mind would want to know why he didn’t.  Westbrook wasn’t a slam dunk to ever become a true point guard, and still isn’t, and even at this point last year we knew the 2009 draft would be loaded at the point guard position and devoid of centers.  Barring the opportunity to take Derrick Rose, who went first overall, one would think they would take their chances on filling the point the next year…or take a point guard who had actually played the position before, like D.J. Augustin (who was, and this is goes to my point about how stacked last year’s draft was, impressive as a rookie).

(Note:  Some can say I have the benefit of hindsight, but if you read my draft diary from last year, I made all those points at the time.)

Last week, with the 2009 Draft, Presti started thinking short term, and many of the people who respected his long term planning shifted right into this sudden change of course.  This time with two picks in the first round, the Thunder’s main concern was addressing weaknesses in the roster.  Rather than taking point guard Ricky Rubio, a player the GM who did take him called “a transformational player,” Presti settled for an asthmatic shooting guard who didn’t even fully address the team’s real weakness of needing shooters to complement Kevin Durant.  James Harden, who is by all accounts a nice guy and solid player, has never been described by anyone as “transformational”, but he does play one of the two positions for which the team was trying to find a new starter.

With the second pick, they addressed the glaring hole at center by taking a guy nicely described as “a project.”  B.J. Mullens could be the next Tyson Chandler, keeping in mind that Chandler was considered a bust before he started playing with a true point guard who set him up for easy baskets, or he could provide as much Robert Swift did for the Thunder.

The dirty little secret to all of this is that those two players are the guys Russell Westbrook wanted the team to take.  He bristled at the idea of Presti drafting a guy who would compete with him for the starting point guard role or force him to shift back to his natural shooting guard position.  And you can bet that his agent, Arn Tellem, a veteran who has been fighting with general managers for decades was going after the young, inexperienced Thunder general manager with all of his energy.

A lot of me thinks this has to be the actual source of what I considered to be an awful draft.  Tellem fought, Presti backed down.  My evidence is that the Timberwolves wanted Rubio badly and wanted to get as high as the #2 pick to assure that he would be available.  They got the job done by acquiring the #5 pick from Washington, and paying a high price in the process, but originally expected that to be the first step in moving even further up.

Let’s look at what the Wolves were willing to give up for a piece of what they were willing to give up for Rubio:

• Mike Miller, the type of elite shooter the Thunder truly needs.
• Randy Foye, their best point guard who exploded on OKC for 40 points one game last year
• Taking on the contract of Etan Thomas (who possessed a trade kicker making it worth 20% more)
• Taking on the deadweight contracts of Olexsiy Pecherov and Darius Songaila

Just imagine what Minnesota would have been willing to do for the #3 pick which was their ultimate goal.  You’re telling me Presti couldn’t have acquired Mike Miller and the #5 (where Harden probably would have still been available) and convinced the T-Wolves to take Earl Watson and Damien Wilkins off of our hands?

The fact that he didn’t make such a deal suggests to me that Rubio was initially the target and that Tellem made him an offer he couldn’t refuse…likely beginning with Westbrook demanding a trade.

So, for the guy they passed on Brook Lopez for, the Thunder also passed on Ricky Rubio.  Had they never acquired Westbrook, the Thunder would have a starting line-up of Rubio, Thabo Sefolosha, Durant, Green, and Lopez.  They could have even used that #25 pick on a sharpshooter like Wayne Ellington instead of praying that B.J. Mullens will become a serviceable big man despite not starting for Ohio State.

Which leads me to ask, is Sam Presti really the genius he is portrayed as?  From a transaction standpoint, I can’t argue with the results.  He turned a going nowhere roster into a team with a lot of potential, but I still think he has botched the last two drafts.  Considering his laurels rest in how great he is at talent evaluation, that scares me.

Perhaps he’ll make some trades or make a shocking free agent acquisition in the next couple of weeks that will change my mind, but right now, I think there is more myth to Presti’s mystique than a lot of fans want to admit.
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Aside about Rubio: I wrote this article about a week ago before news that Rubio was likely to stay overseas for up to two more years became feasible.  Now, public opinion has likely shifted to believe Presti knew this was a likelihood.  That’s not necessarily a good conclusion.

It should be noted that Rubio has a ginormous buyout ($6.6MM) necessary to get out of his contract in Spain.  Being selected with the #5 pick and being selected at the #3 pick means a difference of several million dollars in his rookie contract, making that buyout even more onerous.  Also, the Thunder were one of two teams that Rubio angled to get drafted by, while Minnesota was a team whose possibility of drafting him made the youngster bristle.

And why would he bristle?  Well, the Wolves followed the selection of Rubio with another point guard (who couldn’t possibly share the floor with him), not a player to complement the guy they labeled “transformational.”  And the roster they already possessed did not compliment him.  The team is built around immobile big men Al Jefferson and Kevin Love who will mire the team’s offense in a grind-it-out, half court style system.

Had Presti drafted Rubio, I have no doubt the situation would have turned out differently.  A roster of young, athletic players who need nothing but a point guard who can facilitate an up tempo offense and could have paid him enough to satisfy the terms of the buyout likely would have convinced Rubio to follow through on his lawsuit against DKV Joventut.
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Woooo! It’s the 4th of July and I’m more excited than a woodpecker in a log cabin. But with expectations like that, I’m bound once again to wind up as disappointed as a woodpecker in a sawdust store. Since I’ll be facedown in a ditch by Friday morning, we decided to go ahead and give you this piece of junk today. Full disclosure: I’m not a big 4th of July guy. I’m very “meh” about it. For one thing, everybody wants me to do something different. “Come to the lake.” “Let’s go downtown.” “[Whore] and [Douchebag] are having people over.” The thing is, I don’t really care too much. It’s not that I don’t care about America and freedom and all that bullshit, it’s that I don’t care about the festivities anymore. Fireworks are neat, but whatever. If I miss them, I’ll be ok. If I happen to be lying on a blanket downtown after accidentally taking mushrooms, then ok. I don’t want to be Donny Downer, or Bobby Bringdown, or uh..Barney Bummer, so have fun. Go wild. Feel free to pop all your Black Cats at once, like a rookie. It won’t bother me.

I’m going to keep things brief this week because it’s a short holiday week and I’m as drunk as kitten in a bathtub full of bathtub booze punch. My surprisingly concise syntax and typing skill is impressing me though, along with all six people who watch me write this thing live every week. I find it helpful to silently type in front of an audience, just to feed off the energy of the room. Sure, Paulie fell asleep ten minutes in, but when he woke up and finally removed all the underwear from his mouth, his feedback was critical and unbiased. He’s a huge help and an easy drunk. We like Paulie. Here’s a somewhat briefened version of that thing I usually do but on Fridays, and that you don’t read. 4th!!

Fourth of July in America (OKC, specifically) – All weekend
If you’ve made it this far, then you’re just willing to ride with me down a slippery road of hypocrisy, laziness, and patriotic redundancies. It would be too scholastic to get into the weird traditions we’ve assigned to Independence Day, but I don’t think being a dick is out of the question. I think it’s funny that some Americans look down on the people of a place like Iran. There’s no way in hell I’m going to try to defend the recent violence there (other than to blame it on a possible large surplus of rocks..??),  but I wish we had half their passion about our country. Their election seemed to have been swayed to favor the less desirable candidate. And this upset them. Get it? It upset them a whole lot, like it should any deceived populace. But Independence Day isn’t about changing people’s outlook on what goes on behind closed doors. It’s about having fun while reminding yourself why you get to have fun. It’s probably not because of anything you’ve really done. But you probably know somebody who directly contributed. So be respectful of their efforts and don’t get drunk and drive through the streets while new windows and apple carts are slowly trying to get across. Don’t do that, because it would look awesome but you would go to jail. Don’t go out and blow off any of your fingers. Or any of your boyfriend’s fingers. I’m not sure why, but that last sentence needs neither clarification nor commentary. Take it as it is. Your boyfriend’s fingers. You blowing them off. Stop it, Chad. It’s too much.  Anyway, for safety’s sake you should probably just head out to something like this, or this, or this I guess. Or maybe even this. There’s plenty to do this weekend, so get to it. Those little plastic flags that were made in China can’t stick themselves in your flowerpots, can they?

Today at noon on the first floor of the State Capitol, Sally Kern and her band of right wing lunatic cronies will sign the Oklahoma Citizens Proclamation for Morality.  There is no word yet on if her 30-something-year-old, celibate, music teaching, metaphysics practicing, non-gay son will be traveling down from Iowa for the event.

You can check out the complete proclamation here — including some random out-of-context quotes from former presidents and slave owners Thomas Jefferson and James Madison — but the really crazy parts are below.

We the People of Oklahoma, Invoking the guidance of Almighty God, in order to secure and perpetuate the blessing of Liberty; to secure just and rightful Government; to promote our mutual Welfare and Happiness, do establish this proclamation and call upon the people of the great State of Oklahoma, and our fellow Patriots in these United States of America who look to the Lord for guidance, to acknowledge the need for a national awakening of righteousness in our land.”

WHEREAS, the people of Oklahoma have a strong tradition of reliance upon the Creator of the Universe; and

WHEREAS, we believe our economic woes are consequences of our greater national moral crisis; and

WHEREAS, this nation has become a world leader in promoting abortion, pornography, same sex marriage, sex trafficking, divorce, illegitimate births, child abuse, and many other forms of debauchery; and

WHEREAS, alarmed that the Government of the United States of America is forsaking the rich Christian heritage upon which this nation was built; and

WHEREAS, grieved that the Office of the president of these United States has refused to uphold the long held tradition of past presidents in giving recognition to our National Day of Prayer; and

WHEREAS, deeply disturbed that the Office of the president of these United States disregards the biblical admonitions to live clean and pure lives by proclaiming an entire month to an immoral behavior;

NOW THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED that we the undersigned elected officials of the people of Oklahoma, religious leaders and citizens of the State of Oklahoma, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world, solemnly declare that the HOPE of the great State of Oklahoma and of these United States, rests upon the Principles of Religion and Morality as put forth in the HOLY BIBLE; and

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, believers in the One True God and His only Son, call upon all to join with us in recognizing that “Blessed is the Nation whose God is the Lord,” and humbly implore all who love Truth and Virtue to live above reproach in the sight of God and man with a firm reliance on the leadership and protection of Almighty God; and

BE IT RESOLVED that we, the undersigned, humbly call upon Holy God, our Creator, Sustainer, and Redeemer, to have mercy on this nation, to stay His hand of judgment, and grant a national awakening of righteousness and Christian renewal as we repent of our great sin.

I’ll tell you what, I could wake up tomorrow morning and learn that Sally Kern replaced the Indian on our Capital Dome with a statue of the crucifix and I wouldn’t be surprised.  Why?  Sally Kern is a crazy right wing nut job attention whore bigot.

In fact, she’s such a crazy rightwing nut job attention whore bigot that I don’t really feel like wasting my time making fun of her or refuting her silly proclamation.  Instead, I’ll let you all take care of that in the comments.

And, oh yeah, did we mention she has a 30-something-year-old, celibate, music teaching, metaphysics practicing, “non-gay” son?  If not, I figured it would be good to throw it in there one more time.

I’ve been playing the guitar since I was twelve years old and performing music for about as long. When I was 17, I got a job selling guitars at Mars Music on Memorial Road next to Quail Springs Mall and started running around the Oklahoma City music circuit jumping from band to band. Getting booed off stage, pretty much every night, at every venue, wasn’t the best experience of my life, but I got the opportunity to open for some pretty kick ass bands and get to know the immensely diverse culture of Oklahoma’s sound over the next eight years.

We’ve all seen the growth OKC has enjoyed over those last eight years, and I feel obligated to share some of the best, loudest, and most offensive groups Oklahoma has to offer.  If you can find the time in your schedule to check out any of these bands, it would be well worth your time. I made an effort to keep the list as eclectic as possible and I think there is a pretty damn good chance you’ll love at least one group off this list. Check them out after the jump…

10. Red City Radio

A few weeks ago I went to Red City Radio’s CD release party, and despite getting punched multiple times by multiple people, I had a great time. It’s impossible not to have a good time at The Conservatory, the atmosphere is always good. I think it’s because I feel like I’m attending a house party in what used to be a lucrative meth operation, but whatever it is, RCR fits in well there and plays a good show.

They sound like: Andrew W.K. meets Rancid.

Website: http://www.myspace.com/redcityradio

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9. Student Film

It’s melodic, it’s catchy, it’s also just plain bizarre and I love it. Student Film represents everything that is innovative, fun and annoying about music.

They sound like: Neutral Milk Hotel meets Simon and Garfunkel meets The Gorillaz

Website: http://www.myspace.com/studentfilm

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8. Red Eye Gravy

A year ago I made my way out to the Blue Note for a friend’s birthday.   Truth be told, I didn’t really even like the birthday boy but they have a shot and beer special for 5 dollars, so I figured the night couldn’t be a total loss. After my fifth Soco and lime a group called Red Eye Gravy walked up on the stage and played a style of music that could only be described as Honky Tonk on crack. Every country stereotype imaginable is embodied in Red Eye Gravy. Their music makes you want to chug a liter of moonshine, take a giant dump on the bar and walk across the street to get a Tweety Bird tattoo.

They sound like: Woody Guthrie drunk on speed.

Website: http://www.myspace.com/redeyegravy

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7.  Congress of a Crow

To be completely honest, I’m not the biggest fan in the world of Congress of a Crow, but I felt the need to add a little more dimension to the list. Not that they’re bad, Congress of a Crow is probably the most marketable group in the mix here and I’ve seen them play a dozen or so times. Ok…the truth is the lead singer, Danelle Phillips, is hot and I want to marry her on a mountain. That’s why they made the list.

They sound like: Evanescence meets The All American Rejects

Website: http://www.myspace.com/congressofacrow

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6. Powerlines Down

Clark, Tony, Patrick and his perverted ex-roommate started a group called “Powerlines Down” a few years back. I’ve been meticulously following their progress when one day I had the privilege to receive a band demo Patrick sent me. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced, almost like the music was making love to my ears…that or a drunk homeless chick was booty popping next to my head outside KFC. I don’t really know what’s going on most of the time.

They sound like: Savage Garden

Website: www.thelostogle.com

5. Dorian Small

If you like synth infused rock and roll you’re sure to have a new local favorite in Dorian Small. An underrated act, their shows are nothing less than a spiritual experience.  You may even find yourself making out with a random hippy that’s been fermenting for a few days without a shower…and loving every second of it.

They sound like: The Flaming Lips meets The Postal Service.

Website: http://www.myspace.com/doriansmall

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4. The Neighborhood

I’m not completely convinced that everyone in this band didn’t come out of the womb with a bong in hand.

They sound like: Radiohead and Beck have a love child, that child grows up and eats a lot of mushrooms.

Website: http://www.myspace.com/theneighborhoodband

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3. Taddy Porter

If you liked anything about the kind of music that came out of the 70’s there isn’t any reason you wouldn’t like Taddy Porter.

They sound like: Your parents favorite 70’s band meets The Hold Steady

Website: http://www.myspace.com/taddyportermusic

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2. Mama Sweet

It’s impossible to nail down Mama Sweet. Everyone has a different description of how the band sounds. I’ve heard: Red Dirt Rock, Southern Americana, Bluegrass Funk, and even Psychedelic Country. To me it just sounds like Oklahoma music, a mix of rock, country, blues, funk, folk and Americana. I’ve been to a lot of good shows over the years and can honestly say that Mama Sweet is as good as any of them.

They sound like: Reckless Kelly, Garth Brooks, Pink Floyd have a lovechild that grows up and drinks a !@#t ton of whiskey.

Website: www.mamasweet.com

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1. Hosty

Ever heard the song, “Oklahoma Breakdown”? Yah, Stony LaRue didn’t actually write that song, Mike Hosty did. If you haven’t been to see Hosty solo on Sunday, you haven’t really experienced what Oklahoma is all about. It’s about drinking 3.2 beer out of a giant red cup, listening to songs titled, “I make love to Linda Cavanaugh in my mind” or “Fraidy Hole”, dancing to the flickering lights of the “Deli light show” and possibly getting hepatitis.

He sounds like: Mike Hosty

Website: http://www.hosty.com/

From July 9^th through 12^th, the third annual Rocklahoma Music Festival will take place in Pryor, Oklahoma.  Check out some of the acts making an appearance at this year’s event.

Anthrax |  RATT  |  Night Ranger  |  Warrant  |  Stryper  |  Thin Lizzy  |  Twisted Sister  |  Skid Row  |  Great White  |  Nelson

I’ll tell you what, I have a hunch that this may be the trashiest event in Oklahoma history.  Just check out the photos from previous festivals.  It makes the State Fair look like the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club Debutante Ball.  Seriously, you could give me $1,000 and put me in one of those radioactive suits that that bad guys in E.T. wear and I wouldn’t get within 50 miles of Rocklahoma.   Instead of selling hemp bracelets, they probably sell necklaces made from leftover meth supplies.  Hell, I bet that even the Syphilis and Chlamydia viruses bacterias are scared to use the port-o-pottys.

Anyway, to help make this festival even easier to mock and ridicule, the promoters have created a Miss Rocklahoma pageant.  From the Rocklahoma website:

These top ten ladies represent what we feel Rocklahoma is all about. This contest is not just about beauty and sexuality, but about an energizing, fun loving and outgoing individual who truly encapsulates the spirit of Rocklahoma. The winner will be the ambassador of Rocklahoma 2009.

Let me translate this for you:  this pageant isn’t about looks…it’s about who will show their t*ts on stage and maybe f*ck one of the Nelson brothers.  So I guess it’s kind of like “Rock of Love”…only worse.  Check out our rankings of the Top 10 Miss Rocklahoma finalists after the jump:

(Update: We had to edit one of the descriptions.  Sorry.)

10. Fawn M.

If we went off looks alone, Fawn may be near the top (seriously).  Hell, her bio’s pretty damn cool, too.  She’s a writer, likes photography, and will even try everything once.  But…she’s 22 and is in love with heavy metal hair bands.  That’s odd.  Also, check out this snippet from her bio:

I really dislike people who judge others or think they are better than everyone …

Since that totally defines who we are, we really can’t give her any of our support.

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9. Jana J.

According to her difficult to understand bio, Jana lives in Wyoming.  That’s unacceptable, a woman has no business winning an Oklahoma rock beauty pageant if she’s from a state more obscure than ours.  Unless, of course, she has very large breasts, is a Cubs fan, and plays competitive checkers.  Then it’s fine.

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8. Tina W.

Yeah, we removed Tina’s picture and our blurb about her from the site.  We are replacing it with a picture of my ex girlfriend and a mean email  from Tina’s husband:

I will be contacting my attorney for defamation of character. I would suggest you take the picture of my wife down. We are very offended and upset over the things you said. She is # 8 Tina W. I would expect a formal apology on you web site!

In all honesty, we didn’t think this post would ever get around to any of the pageant contestants.  If it makes any of them terrible upset, we apologize.

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7. Jewels B.

We are sure that Jewels is a nice person, but she almost looks to nice to get our vote.  Seriously, she looks like she could pass for just about anyone’s cool divorced 40-something aunt who drinks too much.  Plus, according to her bio she’s never had a DUI.  To be Miss Rocklahoma, it seems that having  a DUI should be a prerequisite.

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Just kidding…

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6.  Allegra B.

Maybe if her name was Allegra D or Allegra DD, she would have cracked the top 5.  Also, can you make meth with Allegra?  Maybe we should ask Chad.

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5. Lisa M.

Lisa claims that her favorite drink is “Miller Lite/Coors Light.”  This means one of two things:

1. Miller Lite and Coors Light are tied as her favorite drink
2. Some sort of beer suicide mixing Miller Lite with Coors Light is her favorite drink.

In all honesty, neither answer is acceptable for a Miss Rocklahoma.  The correct answer should be Natural Lite.

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4.  Brandee W.

This girl is too weird to be an 80’s rock pageant queen.  Seriously, she looks more like she should be at a Beetlejuice fan convention instead of a rock concert.  Also, she hates on Barbara Mandrell in her bio.  Barbara Mandrell just happens to be my grandpa’s favorite singer.  I’ll support my grandpa over a goth chick any day!

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3. Beth M.

Per her bio, Beth is apparently the girl who threw her panties on Jim Morrison’s grave when she was only 17-years-old.  That’s kind of cool.  I wonder if she’s the same girl who threw her panties at me while I was live blogging the NCAA tournament at Buffalo Wild Wings on NW Expressway.  If so, she’s lost a lot of weight.

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2. Sara B.

You may notice in the picture above that Sara is sporting a Rush T-shirt.  This seems to be an obvious ploy to get the dork vote, and let me tell you, it almost worked.

Seriously, how in the world is a 28-year old woman a Rush fan?  I thought that the only people who liked Rush were 48 year old single IT guys and my friend Jed.  Hell, I bet she also has a cat named Legolas and is a Level 5 Paladin in World of War Craft.  She also probably owns some Dream Theater socks and acts out scenes from the movie Wizards.

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1. Erin B.

I’m not going to lie to you.  We are a sucker for beautiful eyes.  And out of all the girls in this competition, Erin has the largest, roundest, plumpest….eyes.  They are so nice that we’ll ignore the fact that she obviously wears colored contacts.  She’s our champion, for sure.

When I saw that Jessica Alba was in Tulsa Monday filming her new direct-to-DVD movie, The Killer Inside Me, my first thought was, “oh, porn,” followed by “I hope she doesn’t vandalize us.”  Then I remembered that unlike Oklahoma City, Tulsa has sharks.  We have the Oklahoma Aquarium, a possible Alba target.

Vandalism doesn’t worry me; it’s liberated sharks and Tulsa’s effect on movies.  Movies filmed in Tulsa are never good.  Check out UHF.

Alba’s a bigger threat to Tulsa than many realize.  Since the only precaution to her visit is extra police on the movie set, I felt I should take action.

I called the Oklahoma Aquarium and asked if they added extra security.  They declined to answer as in they hung up on me.  I don’t think they took the threat seriously.

What they don’t realize is Alba is a good swimmer and can possibly turn invisible.  You thought the special effects in Fantastic 4 were computer graphics?  Me too, but I don’t want to risk the trauma of seeing sharks float through the air as an invisible Jessica Alba carries them to the Arkansas River.

If you see sharks flopping around in the three-inch deep water of the Arkansas River, I warned you.

If you want to see The Killer Inside Me, it’s coming to a Redbox near you.

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(P.S.  Now for baseball news:  Solutions for Drillers Stadium.)

Eight years ago this month, my wife and I, fresh out of college, naively chose to spend our lives in holy matrimony.  Little did we know that heterosexual marriage was rapidly becoming a thing of the past.

It started when Governor Howard Dean of Vermont signed the nation’s first “civil unions” bill that opened up the institution of getting hitched to anyone with the rights to enter into a contract.  I was initially scared that Mrs. Matthews would move to Vermont and switch to the other team, but my fears were alleviated when I remembered the “Defensive of Marriage Act” that was sponsored by Oklahoma representative Steve Largent and signed by the pillar of traditional marriage, President Bill Clinton.  Our marriage was safe.

Then things began to change.  The Massachusetts Supreme Court declared it against the state constitution to deny marriage rights based on sexual preference.  Within a few years, several other states–apparently missing the tidal wave of ballot issues banning gay marriage–started opening up the option of each person marrying a man or woman based entirely on their own discretion.  Among the state were liberal bastions like New Hampshire, Connecticut, Maine, and Iowa.

Obviously, I started to get very afraid.  Certainly the only thing keeping Mrs. Matthews tied to me was the state’s blessing that she had to be married to a man.  Luckily, the wise voters of this state voted overwhelmingly to keep such a reprehensible thing like two people in a loving, committed relationship vowing to stay together from ever being blessed in this state from happening in 2004.

Then, I read this week in The Gazette that openly gay minister Reverend Dr. Scott Jones had discovered a loophole.  He was married to his boyfriend within state lines and the police could do nothing to stop them.  How?  He just said (I’m paraphrasing here), “screw what the state thinks, I’ll just get married in the eyes of God.”  Huh-what?!?

In the counterpoint article, written by the lovably homophobic Sally Kern (during a month when two of her fellow GOP holier-than-thou group got busted for upholding the sanctity of marriage by spending time with their mistresses), Representative Kern argues that it is God who wants the government to discriminate against the gays.  In a litany of every anti-gay marriage talking point forwarded by email, Sally discusses how marriage is only for baby-making, how being a homo is a choice not a privilege (or maybe it was something about not being inborn), but mostly she talks about how the Bible is opposed to it.

Perhaps her best argument for how God thinks homosexuality is a no-no comes when she discusses biology…which I find humorous considering her typical stance on science.

Biology is important in the same sex debate.  It doesn’t take a genius to know that a man’s and a woman’s body parts naturally fits together.

While this is a great lesson about the birds and bees, it is also an indication that Representative Kern has never watched Cinemax late at night and seen how those women can please each other pretty well biologically.  It also raises questions about how well she understands the “sodomy” word she likes to toss around.

Rather than continue down this path that is only going to get more graphic, I’ll go back to the real krux of Kern’s contention.  The Bible says no gay stuff, so the laws of government should say the same.  That leads into the other activity she had this past week when she introduced a proclamation blaming President Obama (who has had power for a few months) for ruining the economy by advancing the gay agenda.

I won’t get into the fact that most of the founding fathers she quotes in the proclamation were deists whose belief in God was very different from hers or that one of the quotes is from Thomas Jefferson who fought the Continental Congress’ insistence that he remove anti-religion rhetoric from the Declaration of Independence.  Instead, I’ll just point out that her entire argument is undermined when Scott Jones can be married by a Baptist minister in the middle of a municipal park.

Maybe now would be a good time to make my actual beliefs on this topic clear.  From a biblical standpoint, I agree with Kern that marriage is between a man and a woman (or women–depending on the point in history being discussed in the good book).  The Old Testament defines it that way, and Jesus makes it clear that the vows of marriage are sacred during the New Testament.  For that reason, along with my firm belief in the separation of church and state, I don’t think the government should force denominations of any religion that frown upon same-sex couplings to perform marriage ceremonies for gay couples.

However, I also know that some denominations, such as the United Church of Christ for which Revernd Jones is a pastor, interpret the scriptures differently.  And, if the government is going to accept the ritual rites of the traditional Church of Christ for determining who gets to check the “Married” box on their tax return, it is a breach of equal protection to deny the UCC’s determination of who can be hitched.

So, if Sally Kern really believes that gay marriage being allowed by the government is an affront to decency, she is going the wrong direction in attempting to fix the situation.  Instead, she should join me in calling for a governmental ban on all marriage.  As she makes so clear, marriage is a religious institution and the state, as a civil institution, has no grounds for getting involved.  The fact that they do, only causes problems.

All marriages currently on the books should be converted to civil unions, which should be the most a civil insitution should grant.  For myself and my wife, we don’t consider ourselves married because Oklahoma recognizes it, although we do enjoy the protections that come with that distinction.  We are married because we are committed to each other in our hearts and it was blessed by our pastor in front of our friends and family (much the way Scott Jones did it).  I mean, right now people who go get married at a courthouse by a judge get labeled with the same religious standing as someone who stands at an altar while an organ plays.  If you really want to keep it holy, the term should be reserved for people in the latter group, right Sally?

After little debate, we went with perhaps his most infamous video, “Black or White.”   I actually remember watching the world premier of this video.  I think it was a Sunday night, and my grandparents came over to my parent’s house for Sunday dinner.  After probably eating some pot roast, my family and I watched the video together in the living room.  Can you imagine anything like that happening today?  First off, music videos are dead, so any major network featuring one on prime time will never happen. Secondly, I don’t think there is a performer out there today who could engage the interest of a 13-year-old boy, 40-something parents, and 60-something grandparents.  Also, now that cable and satellite has taken over, we probably would have found something better to watch.

Anyway, this video is totally early 1990’s.  It features Norm from Cheers, Macaulay Culkin, and now cheesy special effects that were once cutting edge.  It also features crotch grabbing, well time screams, and some dance moves that Clark Matthews still tries to master when he goes to Groovy’s.  Rest in peace, Michael.

Well kids, I think today’s going to be different. You know why? Because it’s the first day of my life that I’ve awoken knowing that I’m no longer on the same planet as Michael Jackson. I was born in 1976, so MJ had a pretty big role in my childhood. In lieu of his passing and my unsettling devotion to his early career, I’ve decided to only do three events today in order to talk about Mr. Jackson a bit while staying under my 1,500 word limit. Some day I’ll work my way up to 8,000 like Clark Matthews did. Until then, this is all you’ll get. But it’s another rare display of sincerity in which I’ll actually attempt to be thoughtful and honest, but I’ll probably just end up with my thumb up my ass again. Oh well.

When Thriller came out, I was 6 years old. The next year, my parents divorced and my mom, sister and I moved into a smaller house across town. We soon converted the garage into a typical playroom for me and my sis, who was 5 at the time. No kids’ playroom in the 80s was complete without a Fisher Price record player. Ours was the first item added to the new room, but shortly thereafter, we added Thriller. I don’t know whose idea it was, or who bought it, but it was the first record I ever owned, loved or memorized. There was no going back. I was a 7 year old terminally caucasian boy from a small town in Oklahoma, but in my carpeted garage, I was Michael effing Jackson. I was serious about this. I owned a white glove. But more importantly, I owned one of these. It was out of control. In spite of the years of terror pangs and paranoia it may have provided, the Thriller video remains one of the most vivid reminders of my childhood. That shit was scurry, man! I was quite relieved when MTV finally showed the “making of” special, so I could tell myself that those were humans after all, and finally know it to be true. But still I loved it. No, listen: I LOVED IT. But it went beyond the videos and the songs. The entire world loved Michael for being a genuinely kind, caring human and possessing talents that rendered lots of folks dizzy when in his presence. They were mostly ladies. Michael Jackson was the 80s, and myself and all the other kids of the 80s who grew up idolizing him have felt a lot of collective heartbreak over the fiery nosedive his life took. Nose joke. Naturally, having grown up with him, I prefer this Michael to this one. Nobody seems to be sure what really turned him so “crazy”, but I can tell you that singing love songs for grown women when you’re 12–and sending them out of their damn minds in the process–will warp any kid. There’s no reason to focus on the negatives of his life now, because the positives outweigh them by a zillion tons. He changed music. He sure as shit changed music television. I just wish that doing so wouldn’t have changed him as much as it did. That’s one of the biggest “What if?” questions in the history of popular music. You never know with questions like that. “What if Michael Jackson hadn’t lost it?” “What if Hendrix had fallen asleep on his stomach that night?” “What if Courtney Love hadn’t shot Tupac and Biggie?” Don’t worry yourself over such things. Just put on your zippery jacket, your favorite MJ album, close your eyes and moonwalk. Just ask Michael for help. He can hear you. Because he’s in your closet. This week’s meme: RIFPMJ, which I invented, just now. On to the weekend.

Clinton Route 66 Festival – Clinton, OK – June 27

Hot rods? Yes. Hot dogs? Yes. Hot womerns? It’s Oklahoma so, probably. I guess I’m fairly aware of Route 66 lore, but I have to admit to a bit of ignorance here. I’m not entirely sure how you celebrate a road. Do you bake it a cake? Knowing my luck, I would bake Route 66 the best damn cake you’ve ever seen, then right as I’m walking it over with the candles all lit, I’d trip and drop Route 66’s cake right on its asphalt. Ha! Man that was a long way to go for a terrible ass/asphalt joke. Damn right it was. I know Clinton is a hell of a drive, but guess what legendary road you’ll be taking there. That’s right — Historic Interstate 40 West!

Disney’s High School Musical 2 – Civic Center – June 25-28

Oh. Emm. Gee. Like. Wow. First off, no, the above picture doesn’t have much to do with the actual stage play, but it was my favorite one. Ok, I once again have to admit to having no opinion on this thing. I’m sure I’ve heard these songs on the radio or in the few suicide encouragement seminars I made it to this year, but I don’t know that I could tell you anything about them. I can tell you this about the production though: uh, it’ll be awesome. The Civic Center is an amazing place to see anything, and the folks at the Lyric Theater don’t mess around. It’ll be good, if you’re into that sort of thing. My only opinion has to do with the cast. The show naturally features local performers, and included among them is a friend and sometimes podcast-guest-person, Matthew Alvin Brown. Matt’s a very talented guy. He’s done a few really odd things that I’ve enjoyed and he’s done some really good things that lots and lots of people have enjoyed. Unless the internet rumors are false, Matt’s time in Oklahoma is limited, so go catch a good Okie performer while you can. Bring him a pie. He’ll never forget you.

Get Motivated! – Cox Convention Center – June 30

What a weird ass panel of speakers this thing boasts. They include Bob Stoops, Laura Bush, Colin Powell and Joe Montana. I don’t know if I’m impressed or repelled. Either way this thing will be more popular than a buttered vagina. There’s nothing like getting motivated by people who have been there and done that and pushed the envelope only to discover the inner strength that helps them break down barriers and change paradigms and synergize your priorities into opportunties or opportunities to improve your critical thinking decisioning process. You want motivation? Here’s what I suggest: boil 4lbs. of sausage, stuff it in your pants, and let the neighbors pet mountain lion out of its cage in the backyard. You’ll get so damn motivated before you know it, you’ll wake up as Pope!