So, I know I pretty much complain about everything. Just know that it’s something I do. And since I’m on this side of the blog, I get to spout my complaints and you have to read them. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. But know that I have something to say today that is very important, and by that I mean it’s just a list of reasons why July in Oklahoma totally sucks.
You can comment all you want about how much I complained about winter, and how badly I wanted the May rain to stop, and how much I hate spring allergies, but I don’t care. Right now I’m just as unhappy as I would be if it were super cold outside. That’s why Oklahoma in July is the worst.
1. You’re just waiting on football season.
Basketball is over. College football doesn’t start until like September. There is literally no other sport to watch. If you say baseball, I’m going to punch you in the mouth. I can’t make a commitment for the number of games those dudes play. Maybe if they cut the season and only played half as many long-ass games where nothing happened, I might be into it. Also, don’t tell me to go watch an actual game at a stadium. No offense to the Dodgers or Energy FC, but I’m a homebody. I don’t like to put on pants, and I sure as hell don’t want to exist in public. That’s why I need me some football. Until then, I guess I’m just watching UFC. I have to admit, I’m almost as excited for the Conor McGregor fight as I am for the first OU game of the season.
Of all the weird things I do on a regular basis, the one that I am most commonly made fun of for is being a fan of disc golf. I started playing back in high-school and still try to make it out to Dolese Park 3-4 times a month during the summertime so I can keep myself humble and showcase my incredible tan. And although I still can’t throw one of those goddamn frisbees more than 75 yards at a time, I manage to find a certain kind of peace whenever I am out there fighting a losing battle against the Oklahoma humidity.
Despite being one of the ten largest cities in the country by land area, OKC only has three disc golf courses, and it becomes blatantly obvious on the weekends that three is not nearly enough. One of the weirdest feelings in the world is waiting in a line of people to get up to a platform to throw a disc, judging everyone in front of you by how good they are, and knowing that you’re being judged by everyone behind you based on how good you are. I have perfected the art of faking disgust every time I throw and letting everyone know that “I am usually way better than this” while also secretly being thrilled that I didn’t just blow out someone’s windshield.
So imagine my social-sadness when Patrick sent me a link to this Change.org petition letting me know that the Parks & Recreation department of Oklahoma City was trying to destroy the disc golf course at Will Rogers Park to make additions to the public swimming pool and tennis courts because there’s totally not enough construction happening around here already.
I would hope that everyone reading this takes the time to sign the petition to save the course, but if not, at least take the time read my five reasons why you should take the time to sign the petition.
1. You don’t want the people who play disc golf roaming around your neighborhoods.
Will Rogers Disc Golf Course is our own little Jurassic World on Portland Avenue except instead of dinosaurs and attractive people, we have dreadlocks and patchouli oils. If the course shut down, those unemployed dropouts would have to find somewhere else to spend their days and they would reverse-gentrify out into the world north of 39th street. They would be in your communities playing hackey sack and deconstructing their favorite Widespread Panic albums in front of your kids. I am a product of being raised around granola-culture and unless your goal is to have your child writing for an obscure local social blog, you need to do your best to keep the hippies inside their comfort zones and away from your houses.
2. You can support local businesses by keeping the shady convenience store across the street from closing down.
It’s been over a week since the Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled the 10 Commandments Monument at the Capitol violates the state constitution. The ruling has rallied and united Derplahomans across the state in ways not seen since the great Hobby Lobby wall cross ornament sale of 2007.
According to KOCO, one lady in Atoka designed a t-shirt to protest the court’s very correct ruling:
Although I doubt he’d ever wear it to church, the gym or even a flea market, I’m sure God loves that shirt. I’m sure he’d like it even more if the lady who made it would have hired a competent graphic designer, or as an astute commenter pointed out, known that the monument was at the Capitol… not the courthouse.
Profiting off the court’s “controversial” decision by selling ugly t-shirts designed in Word is one thing. Now, our Republican theocrats are trying to change the state constitution (as I predicted) to keep the monument on the Capitol steps.
Unlike Channel 4 and Channel 9, I don’t think KOCO Channel 5 has a certified Social Media Bandit on the company’s payroll. Therefore, the perennial third place TV Channel heavily leans on their on-air talent and personalities to drive social media traffic, clicks, etc.
Sometimes, that can be a good thing because we get posts likes these:
Hey, Ariel Reschief is back from maternity leave! That’s good. She was gone just long enough for me to totally forget how to spell her name. Ariel Reschief… that’s really what I came up with on my first, hurried guess. For those of you who complain about my typos, syntax and pronoun usage, now you know what Marisa has to deal with when we she proofs this shit each day. Yeah, someone actually reviews my posts. I’ll tell you, it makes me feel guilty like…
Wait. I just turned you into my therapist. My bad. That’s the same thing Paul Folger apparently does when the folks at KOCO give him the station’s Facebook password, which I believe is still “TuttleChaps.” Check out what he posted yesterday…
There are a few nightmare scenarios that I can’t help think about when I close my eyes right before bed. I guess my brain just does it to get my heart rate up just before I pass out and to ensure that I don’t get to sleep easily that night. Some of the things that cross my mind include but are not limited to my dog getting bitten by a black widow, some weird drifter living in the walls of my home, porcelain dolls just existing, anything that happens in the state of Florida, and accidentally falling into a pile of fishhooks. I know this is weird. But maybe if I share these ideas with you, then you’ll start suffering from the same fears that have ruined my slumber for so long.
Anyway, a lady in Edmond just added a new thing to my list of fears. She was apparently able to live in a home that was chock-full of bees without knowing it. According to KFOR.com:
EDMOND, Okla. — An Edmond woman is bugging out after her home was overrun by bees.
From the street, Janie Giordano’s home blends into her neighborhood, but a hole on its side is creating quite a buzz.
“I could see just swarms of bees, just bees everywhere,” explained Giordano.
At first glance, this industrial size honey maker seems to fill the area inside her wall. It was discovered by Janie’s son and his beekeeper friend, after an A/C repairman felt the sting.
“The air conditioner man was bitten several times by bees,” said Giordano. “They said that they were swarming outside in my drier vent.”
So the duo dug in, uncovering a hive haven inside.
At this point, I think we can all agree that the only sound real estate decision to be made would be to give the home over to the bees. They have taken the home by force, basically have squatter’s rights, and they can sting the hell out of you for trying to make them vacate. Just move on to a new home. This one is now a bee house.
For now, Janie will remain at her home despite her son’s wishes, as she plots to stop this abrasive bee break in.
“I don’t know why this happened, and it scares me a lot…I wish I knew what to do.”
Uhm, become a beekeeper!
Neighbors say they’ve been aware of a bee issue for quite some time.
Janie told NewsChannel 4 she’s seen a few of the insects in her home before, but didn’t know where they were coming from, or how bad the situation was.
I think this is my favorite part of the story. Bee Lady was all “I had no idea” and “I thought it was totally normal for bees to be all up in my house” and her neighbors were pretty much all “she’s a crazy bee lady.”
The only question I’m left with is what becomes of all that sweet, sweet honey? And is it full of attic insulation?
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