Look. I know I’ve offended many of you by discussing the city I called home for 21 years. And sure, maybe I give Edmond a hard time, but I know I’m not the only one.
Well, for the first time in a long time (maybe ever?) I’m here to talk about Edmond, but not in a negative way! So you guys can get excited about that. In fact, I’m here to praise Edmond for it’s revolutionary stance against major corporations. Who knew the McMansion stronghold was also a place where the residents liked to stick it to the man?
What am I talking about here? Well, only the recent news stories about an Edmond neighborhood successfully shutting down a proposed Walmart, and residents going in against Devon Energy for the negligent use of disposal wells. To these fine Edmondites, I raise my fist in the air as an act of solidarity. Comrades, you are most certainly doing the Lord’s work.
But all this got me to thinking. What does this signal for the future of Edmond? Well, my friends, I have for you my X revolutionary predictions for the city of Edmond!
See that weird little building Jessica Alba is vandalizing? It was part of a theater complex in downtown Oklahoma City called Stage Center. It was quirky, useless, and weird, but also OKC’s only internationally acclaimed piece of architecture.
Because the local powers that be don’t really care about our city’s history, and show no interest in learning from the short-sighted planning mistakes of years past, the complex was recently demolished to make way for some shiny new boring skyscrapers to be developed by my favorite evil Oklahoma corporation, OG&E.
Well, at least that was the plan.
Earlier this week, OG&E announced it is scrapping plans for the new development, which means they basically demolished a historic building for no good reason.
Via a Steve Lackmeyer column in The Oklahoman:
OGE Energy Center, once an ambitious four-tower proposal that was to be built this last year on the former home of Stage Center, is being put on indefinite hold as oil prices continue to plunge.
Two of the towers were already in doubt months ago as negotiations dragged between OGE Energy Corp., developer Clayco and City Hall over a request for millions in tax increment financing.
First of all, I’m going to pull a Regular Jim Traber and give it up to myself. When the development was first announced, I wrote “I’ll believe it when I see it.” Granted, that was primarily because the developer had a strange name and beard, but it still feels good to be right.
Naturally, OG&E (with the help of their pals with The Oklahoman) is doing what corporations in Oklahoma have been doing for over a century when looking for a good excuse to dodge accountability and justify poor decision-making. They’re blaming low oil prices!!! Because you know, oil prices rarely fluctuate. They’re basically the opposite of the earthquake-causing water levels of Lake Arcadia. They never rise and fall.
We give Braum’s more grief on this site than they probably deserve, but we have good reasons. For example…
1. They only get your order right 80% of the time. I don’t have a scientific study to prove this, but it feels about right. I guess Braum’s is like the Tinder of local fast food restaurants. You browse the menu and select the items you think you want, but you never really know what you ordered until you get home and open the bag. “Oh, I thought I ordered a Number 1 w/ cheese, no mayo and no pickles. I guess I’ll try this burger with mayo and pickles only instead.”
2. They’re always dirty. I don’t understand Braum’s staffing procedures. They can’t find one employee to clean the dining room, but always seem to have one person on staff who just stands next to the shake machine looking around like they were locked in a dark room and somebody just turned the light on. Also, why are flies so attracted to Braum’s? They must really like ice cream, crinkle fries and the crusty stuff on the ketchup counter.
3. I have a massive crush on the Braum’s girl. Let’s be honest. What heterosexual male, bisexual male/female, or lesbian female who used to work at VZDs doesn’t? Just look at the way that innocent piece of cheery sunshine appears from the lucid dream of a Braum’s acid trip and smiles at you before being wiped away by a runaway semi-truck. How could you not be mesmerized by that? It makes me feel warmer than a hot, steaming cup of Braum’s chili.
Anyway, in case you didn’t notice, I have way too many opinions about Braum’s. That’s why I was surprised to learn that over 1,000 of Braum’s cows mysteriously disappeared from a ranch at the western Oklahoma / Texas border last year and haven’t been heard from since. How could I miss a story like this?! The Journal Record had an update this week:
Lost on the range: 1,121 head of Braum’s cattle remain missing
A year ago, employees of the Braum’s chain turned up a troubling detail in dairy operations: The company’s breeding cattle herd on the west side of the state was 1,121 head short…
Damn, I totally forgot that Journal Record puts a pay wall on most of its content. Since I assume most of you are like me and don’t work for a downtown law office, bank, or PR firm, and therefore don’t have a Journal Record subscription, let’s find a different source. Here are the details via some Texas publication called Texas Monthly:
One of my big New Year’s Resolutions for 2016 is to make tons of money through internet advertising. Just like my resolutions from years past, such as starting an obscure local social blog, brewing a co-branded beer and dating several Thunder Girls, I’m sure this one will be simple and very easy to accomplish.
One way I plan to make this resolution a reality is to wade deeper into the waters of Native Advertising and Sponsored Content. Those are the two big buzzwords that people like me, that British chap from The Oklahoman and other online marketers now use to convince businesses to advertise with us (a.k.a. give us money).
As part of this new strategy, we’re launching a branded content series called Dream Job. It’s where a local group, business or professional basketball team “hires” a TLO Contributor to work a quintessential “Dream Job” and then lets us write about the experience.
For the first part of this series, I’ve convinced our good friends at Night Trips – the best strip club in OKC – to hire me as a guest DJ. That’s a dream job, right? I mean, what group of guys hasn’t been out to strip club for a bachelor’s party, birthday or on a random Monday night and talked about how awesome it would be to work as a strip club DJ for at least a night. From what I can tell, the basic job requirements are to look at topless girls, play hip hop or radio rock, operate a computer or soundboard, and while using your best KATT radio voice, say things like “Hey guys, put those hands together for Precious. We have Diamond! – center stage. Cinnamon on standby” into a microphone.
Actually, I bet the job is way more complicated than that. Not to go too heavy on the double entendre, but there’s probably a whole lot more that goes behind the scenes. For example, who picks out the songs? What are the logistics? How often do you talk about drink specials? Do you get tired of looking at boobs?
I guess I’ll find out all those answers and more tonight at Night Trips. You can read an article about the experience probably next week. However, If you want to grab a handful of dollar bills and come out and support me from about 8 – 10, please do. Once again, I have a New Year’s Resolution to fulfill.
It looks like crazy season in Oklahoma is officially upon us!
Here in a few weeks, the 55th Oklahoma Legislature will meet for its annual legislative session. It’s that nutty time of the year where our elected officials think of new, usually unconstitutional ways to cut education funding, give tax breaks to the rich, protect their donors in the energy industry, and discriminate against people who don’t follow their stodgy, missionary position moral code.
Speaking of the missionary position, State Senator Josh Brecheen (pictured above with his wife) has decided to get a head start on his comrades in the 2016 race for “Derplahoman of the Year.” He recently introduced SB 973. As a fan of irony, he dubbed it the “Preservation of Sovereignty and Marriage Act.” The bill, if passed and signed into law by Governor Fallin, would essentially…
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