One trait we always look for in our Social Media Bandits at KFOR is their ability to tie typical crime stories with hot, trending topics. For example, say a black guy is caught on video trying to pawn items he may have acquired during a home invasion robbery. Since Kevin Durant is also black and also in the news, it makes sense to tie the two unrelated news stories together to earn a few extra page views and Facebook comments…
Yeah, I have no clue why Kevin Durant would want leave Oklahoma. Would the local TV news stations in other markets go out of their way to let viewers know that Kevin Durant isn’t the black person caught on camera trying to sell items he may have acquired during an armed home invasion? I don’t think so. We protect our celebrities in Oklahoma! In other news, Dion Waiters better be concerned. KFOR hasn’t cleared him as a suspect yet.
You may notice that the image above is a grainy pic of a computer screen. That’s because a couple of hours after The KFOR Social Media Bandit posted the article and warning on Facebook, they edited the post. Now it looks like this:
I know you’re probably tired of hearing about KD, so know that this post will only reference him tangentially. Why? Well, because it’s time that we take up proverbial arms against the real menace here and expose him for what he really is.
Naturally, I’m talking about Berry Tramel.
I know, right? Marisa is talking about Berry Tramel? Does she even watch sports? (Not really, but if you’re serving a lovely queso at your watch party for The Big Game, I’ll be there.)
Now, I’ve written before about one of Berry Tramel’s really out-of-touch opinions, but now it’s time for me to write about another. I wish it didn’t come to this, but Berry never responded to any of my incendiary tweets yesterday, so here we are.
Tony came out of blogger retirement to pen this piece earlier this week where he calls out Tramel for not being able to have a human reaction after The Oklahoman published a piece where Tramel encouraged fans to stay classy. If you’ll recall, Tony said:
Here’s all I want from people like Berry Tramel and Jenni Carlson: have a human fucking reaction for once. Act like you care about… anything. The reaction to KD leaving from everyone I know differs, but at least I can tell that they give a shit. The fanbase had their heart ripped out, and your first reaction is to sit high and scold them about how not to behave? Sports are fun and sports suck and sports will make you feel like an idiot for caring so much about something so stupid. Shouldn’t that sentiment be reflected somewhere in the pages of the biggest paper in the state, instead of stodgy people trying to look rational in a world that is inherently irrational? The answer is “Yes,” but kind of like KD in Thunder uniform, don’t expect it to see it anytime soon.
I like to think that ol’ Berry read that one, and that made him think it was time for him to write something that meant something. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. Instead, we got another lecture, only this time, it didn’t really say anything. In a post titled “OKC Thunder: Kevin Durant isn’t who we thought he was, and that’s our fault” Berry blames pretty much everything for Kevin’s departure, except, you know, the reasons Kevin has stated himself. Initially, Berry says KD is a typical Millennial:
Whenever I’m looking for a little pick me up, I like to visit Remington Park Racing and Casino in the heart of Oklahoma City’s aptly named “Adventure District” (because you know, nothing is more adventurous than a zoo, science museum, and several third tier hall of fames all next to each other).
Maybe it’s just me, but inhaling decades worth of second-hand smoke while watching a bunch of sad old folks gamble away their social security and disability checks automatically puts in me in a better mood, and all asthma attacks aside, reminds me of how good I actually have it. Plus, if you’re lucky enough, you might win some cash, get to see a quarter horse euthanized on the track, or watch a woman bite off another woman’s ear in a jealous rage over $25 in slot machines winnings.
That’s what happened over the 4th of July after Berdie Fleming went all Mike Tyson on someone’s ear like she saw a putty tat. KOCO.com has all the details:
It’s an incredibly dark time in Oklahoma history. Not only is the oil and gas industry down, but KD has left us. That’s right. Two of Oklahoma’s favorite false prophets have betrayed us, and we no longer have anything to put our faith into. Instead of learning from this experience and learning to think critically about the nature of the energy industry or the ultimate goal of an NBA player, I’ve decided to help you just fill the void so you no longer have to feel bad.
Sure, they say you shouldn’t rush into a relationship after breaking up, but what’s a little rebound gonna hurt? Thus, I bring you 10 other false prophets for Oklahoma to put faith in.
10. Heavener Rune Stone
As far as idols go, this one isn’t so bad. Supposedly it was made by vikings, so surely it’s got some of that sweet, sweet Thor magic all up in it. And even if it doesn’t, it still looks pretty cool, and it’s obviously not going anywhere. It’s a big ol’ rock and it’s been around for quite a while. This is something that will never leave you to go to Oakland.
9. The Skirvin Ghost
The Skirvin Ghost has done more than her fair share when it comes to helping out the Thunder. I mean, what have you done to prevent opposing players from doing well? Also, this ghost is pretty stationery too. She haunts one place, and it’s not like spirits from the beyond can just pack up and leave, so she’s in it for the long haul. And if you doubt her greatness, just go to the front desk at the Skirvin, and ask to see the book where they write down all the tales of Effie’s hijinks. Homegirl has more stats than KD ever did.
8. Wayne Coyne
The death penalty stirs up a lot of intense feelings in Oklahoma. Whether it is because the state has trouble successfully performing the deed, or that we’re putting people to death in the first place, people get very passionate about it. Last week, there was a rally at the state capital of citizens speaking out against the State Question 776, which, if voted into effect, would allow the state to execute people any way they wanted. The five legal methods of execution in America are lethal injection, gas, hanging, electrocution, and the NRA’s preferred, firing squad.
Personally, I think it’s pretty weird to allow the state to have the right to kill its own citizens, especially innocent ones who were wrongly accused (like the 156 people who have been exonerated since 1973), but I understand the other side and why some people think it’s a necessary function in society. Either way, we’re not here today to debate the morality of the death penalty. We’re here to wonder what McAlester needs with a creepy old electric chair.
The city of McAlester, Oklahoma, is preparing to breathe new life into a feud over an instrument of death — the electric chair that the state used for more than six decades to execute 82 inmates.
The tiny city has long coveted the chair known as “Old Sparky,” which became a relic when the state sidelined it in the 1970s in favor of lethal injections, as a tourist attraction.
Yep, they call it “Old Sparky.” How cute! It’s like a lovable ol’ mutt that smells like burning skin and hair. Here’s the rest of the story:
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