Over the weekend I had one of those “I bet I could throw a football over them mountains” moments when I exclaimed to my friends that I thought I could last at least 60 seconds in the octagon with current UFC Welterweight Champion, and Oklahoma’s very own, Johnny Hendricks. They were quick to humble me, but I worked my way backwards to try and think about which people from our state I thought I could legitimately hold my own against.
From there, my mind ran wild with visions of an “OKC Fight Club” where you could pop in and see Ed Shadid piledrive Mick Cornett, or The Pioneer Woman uppercut Patrick off a ladder, but what would that hierarchy look like? Which OK scenesters do you think you could beat in a 1-on-1 street fight? I did some research and figured out which Oklahomans you should fight, and which ones would leave you in a pile of blood, urine, and vomit. I even commissioned Nigel Bland from Goldstar Labs to build a chart that details whether or not you should fight any of these local darlings:
Prediction: There is a 75% chance that Abigail Ogle unleashes hell upon you.
Reason: Abigail Ogle has been a punching bag for this very website, and numerous other online haters, for a while now. She has been nothing if not professional and self-deprecating through all of it, but you know that deep down her rage is being bottled up. It’s only a matter of time before that bottle overflows. Abigail is like The Hulk; One day she will wake up after blacking out the night before, only to hear rumors of how an insane green monster wearing too much makeup snapped a guy in half for offering to buy her some new Twitter followers. Do not fuck with Abigail. It’s not worth it.
Prediction: There is an 89% chance that you will beat the shit out of Tyson Ritter.
Reason: Fight Tyson Ritter. Fight him every day. Fight him for convincing you that the All American Rejects were a good band back in 2000. Fight him for ruining one of your favorite TV shows. Fight him for still wearing girl pants in 2014 even though that was so 2003. “Swing swing” your fists at his stupid face and try to knock the grease out of his hair. I hope you give him hell.
Some people (certainly devious executives in business suits maniacally laughing around a conference table in the Simon Property Group office building) just bought a good part of land next to Turkey Mountain, and are now in the process of developing it into an 800,000 square foot outlet mall.
As one of Tulsa’s few and beloved nature and recreational areas, Turkey Mountlet Mall is not sitting well with a number of Green Country’s fine citizens.
By now I’m sure you’ve heard about that crazy lady in Noble who thought it was okay to call the girls at Noble High “skanks.” If not, let me get you up to speed. Ronda “Mama Bear” Bass is 85% hairdo and 15% concerned about what other schools are saying about the Noble High girls. Please note, she is also 100% the superintendent you don’t want around your kids.
According to KFOR.com:
Bass says she’s very protective of her students and after she saw what some of the girls were wearing she decided to sit them down at the end of the day.
“The first question I asked was how many of you in here believe that there are female students on the campus today that are dressed completely inappropriate,” says Bass. “Most of their hands went up.”
But that’s not what senior Stephanie Stewart remembers.
Stewart says, “The first sentence was, ‘Have y’all ever seen any ‘skanks’ around this school’. Around the end she said, ‘I don’t want to see anyone’s ass hanging out of their shorts.”
We asked Bass if those words were ever used.
“I knew that students from other towns were calling our girls really negative names. The message I wanted to send to them was I don’t want them to be called those names,” says Bass. “I want us to be known as the classy lady Bears.”
So this morning Bass followed up, unannounced.
According to Stephanie she asked just the girls to stand up while she did a dress code check, even asking some of the girls to bend over.
Stephanie was singled out because in Bass’ opinion her dress was too short.
Bass says, “If you’re not comfortable with bending over, we might have a problem.”
Toss News 9 helicopter pilot Jim Gardner a can of Mountain Dew. He’s a badass.
We have confirmed via the Ogle Mole Network that Gardner has been suspended by News 9 for pulling some stunts with that station’s helicopter, Bob Mills Sky News 9, at the Sundance air park in Yukon. According to one source, the suspension will last for two weeks and begins today.
The details regarding the incident are a bit murky, but apparently it involved the futuristic George Jetson plane that Jim posted a pic of on July 27. I guess a video recently surfaced that showed Jim racing the plane in Sky News 9. The video has since been pulled, but I was able to obtain the following pixellated screenshot of the clip via the Ogle Mole Network:
Fantasy football season is almost here. For those who play, you are probably getting ready for your draft and TLO is here to help. Instead of paying good money on crap from so-called “experts,” how about you keep your money and follow my rules to winning your league this season. First off, you probably want to know what makes me so damned qualified to give advice. Well, I won a 12-team college fantasy league twice and have always finished in the top 10 of my pro football fantasy leagues , so suck on that Matt Berry!
I love fantasy football. There are few things better than lying around all day on Sunday and watching football until your eyes bleed. I love talking crap to my friends. I love keeping up with the stats and playing the waiver wire. I love everything about it.
Some of this advice is just for giggles, but some of it is actually good. So let’s get started:
1.) Team Name
A great team name is important, maybe even the most important factor in fantasy football success. The team name I have used for the last two seasons is, “The Tickle Biscuits.” I like it because it doesn’t rely on sports related news that will be old and played out by the end of the season. But for those of you who enjoy team names like that, you will probably have some team names that involve Ray Rice punching a woman, or Josh Gordon smoking weed.
Are you a fan of Arrested Development? Then how about, “BobLobLaw’s Schaub Lob Log.” Do you enjoy the team names that take a player’s name and make it dirty? I suggest, “Wilfork on First Date,” and “Robert Sniffin the Turd.” Are you a Game of Thrones fan? How about, “Demaryius Stormborn.” That’s pretty f*@king clever if you ask me. And if you want your team name to involve a little bit of trash talking, I’ve seen the team name, “Off In Church.” When asked why that is your team named, you reply, “because nobody beats Off In Church.” Funny, huh?
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