With today being the last day of 2013, I guess we should go ahead name our 2013 Oklahoman of the Year.
Before we get to that, let’s take a look at some of the finalists that barely missed out on the honor:
Whether it’s a scam or not, if you trick the local media into thinking that Bravo! seriously wants to produce a “The Real Housewives of Oklahoma City,” you deserve some sort of honor.
“She Wants the D” guy…
We were originally going to go with the Oklahoma atheist, but she’s earned over $100,000 for not believing in God. You can’t earn over $100,000 for not believing in anything and be a finalist for Oklahoman of the Year. Instead, let’s recognize the dude who broke out the shirt he wears to Coyote Ugly to help with tornado relief and rescue efforts.
You know how Time magazine will occasionally get all abstract and name “America” or “The Whistleblowers” or “The Peacemakers” as its person of the year? Well, we nearly did the same for Derplahomans. These folks had one hell of year. Their American flags, crazed rants and irrational vitriolic hate for the president (and other things they can’t comprehend) dominated local Facebook timelines and the bumper stickers of local Wal-Mart parking lots. Here’s hoping they keep it up in 2014.
Okay, so he may not be the best investigative reporter in the world and his hair looks like it was styled in a wind tunnel, but Thayer Evans deserves some credit for making every Oklahoma State fan in the country hate him. I’ve tried to accomplish that on this site for several years, and so far, have come up short. That’s probably because OSU fans have grown immune to silly jokes about their inferior, tradition-lacking football program and overrated basketball team. Maybe I should start misquoting Aso Pogi and conduct my own investigation in the Orange Pride hostess program. That will fire them up.
The Pooping Tom
If we were naming the Oklahoma ‘Idiot of the Year,” this guy would win running away. Or would it be the woman who hid the loaded gun in her vagina? Or maybe the guy who shit his pants while unsuccessfully trying to rob a payday loan store. Or perhaps the lady who tried to sell her kids on Facebook? Hmmn, maybe we should have named a “2013 Idiot of the Year.” That would have been fun.
Technically, 2 Chainz isn’t an Oklahoman so he’s not eligible for this award. I’m just including him on this list so that he’ll possibly invite me on his tour bus the next time he’s in OKC.
The goal of any State School Superintendent should be to create controversy, push faulty ideologically policies and divide parents and educators. In just her first term in office, Janet Barresi accomplished all those things with flying colors. Based on her complicated school grading system, that would earn her a C+.
2013 was a really big year for Serge. Thanks to his extended range, his game has risen to new levels. He’s bulged out to near the top of the list of Western Conference power forwards.
Gary England and Emily Sutton
It probably surprises you to see our two idols / heroes come up short on this list, but his Holiness got frustrated with that rascal of a giant iPad and retired, and Emily Sutton now has a boyfriend who’s better than us. Sorry, but that disqualifies them to win Oklahoman of the Year honors.
Also, do not take that pic into a MotoPhoto and ask them to turn it into a 24 X 36 laminated poster for your bathroom. The attendant will laugh and point at you and then call the police. Instead, just turn it into your own customized Fathead. It’s much more discreet, and you can then easily move it from room to room.
Anyway, I guess it’s time to get to the good stuff. Our 2013 Oklahoman of the Year is…
Kind of like you, we fell off the map last week for Christmas and are about to do it again for New Years. Before we do so, I wanted to get caught up on things and share 10 local stories that we probably would have covered last week had we not been drinking with our families and getting stuck with a beard trimmer during Dirty Santa. Check it out. It’s a great way to kill time while you’re catching up on emails before falling behind again.
The first two are below, the rest are after the jump:
1. Joe Exotic has bred a liliger
Our favorite eccentric zoo keeper, Joe Exotic (a.k.a. the guy pictured who’s not in the panda suit), made national news when he announced a litter of liliger cubs were born in his zoo outside Wynnewood:
From ABC News:
If ligers aren’t exotic enough for you, meet the liliger. The Garold Wayne Interactive Zoological Park in Wynnewood, Okla., is home to the country’s first liliger cubs, the hybrid offspring of a male lion named Simba and a female liger named Akaria.
The entertainment director at the zoo, who goes by the name “Joe Exotic,” said that Akaria gave birth to three female cubs around Thanksgiving. “They were actually born during a storm, so we had to remove them from mom to keep them alive,” he told ABC News.
He knows that it’s difficult for a liger to breed but not impossible. “For 30 years since the liger has been in existence, everyone thought they were sterile,” he said. “But we paired a baby liger and a baby white tiger male six years ago and came up with the first tiliger. That proved female ligers weren’t sterile.”
The zoo plans for the cubs to have their own exhibit. “They will be ready for public view just shortly after the first [of January],” said the entertainment director. “For now, they’re currently living in my house.”
They’re living in his house? Those poor liligers! That has to be against some law, right? Maybe we can get DHS, Napoleon Dynamite and Uncle Rico to use their skills to save them.
Also, is anyone else concerned that the story of Joe Exotic is starting to read like the plot to a bad horror movie? What’s really going on in that little animal sanctuary in southern Oklahoma? Expect Wynnewood to be attacked by a genetically altered breed of super cats any day now. It will be step one of Joe Exotic’s plan to either take over the world or force people to listen to his music.
2. Ed Shadid has denied that he ever freebased cocaine with a male prostitute
Lorde had the number 1 song for November 2013. When a 17-year-old writes a song condemning the excessive and vapid nature of the world in which we now live, might be time to take a look at our priorities. I was at Starbucks, because I had a gift card, and a super cute girl and her friend were yammering on and then I heard “Royals.” It was one of their ringtones. She pulled her blinged out iPhone from her Michael Kors bag and said a series of “Uh-huhs” and “No ways” into her phone. She ended her call and said, “I love my ringtone. That song is like, saying, like such good things.” then these two guardians of our future spent $20 on two cups of coffee. America. We’re great!
Anyway, if that paragraph didn’t make your weird Monday morning at work more depressing, take a look at the best post from 30 days ago:
What We Said: “The guy is something like 8-feet tall. In case you care, that’s three Al Eschbachs. He sticks out in a crowd like the Devon Tower does in our skyline. Maybe he was being considerate and sitting down so that Johnny Old Navy Shorts, the used car salesman behind him, and all the people in Loud City could actually watch the game. That seems like a nice Ogle brother thing to do.”
What We Learned: Someone needs to learn to get their “Up” Thundered. Then again he may be trying to avoid a Maude Flanders type head injury situation. No one wants a concussion because of a rolled up t-shirt to the face from that insane t-shirt machine gun at Thunder games.
Fun Fact: When you mention The Lost Ogle to his daughter, she reacts the same exact way as her dad at a Thunder game. She is not a fan. Not. At. All.
Best Comment: “Ha! You got it right the first time. Had I stood up the poor guy behind me would not have seen a second of the last few minutes of regulation or the overtime. Keeping it on the down-low is the price u gotta pay when ur 6’8” BTW I’m a first time caller…do I get a Johnny’s Charcobroiler certificate?”- Kevin Ogle
Well, it looks like we made it through the Christmas holiday, readers. Can I get an amen? If you’re lucky, you’re still not back to work yet and you won’t be until January 2. For the rest of us, I like to think that I’ve softened the blow of getting back in the office by bringing you some of the best tweets the past week had to offer. No, it won’t make up for the fact that you still haven’t firmed up your New Year’s Eve plans and will most likely spend the day drinking in the garage of your best friend. But I’m not a miracle worker. I only write semi-humorous, but mostly boring things on a blog. So, yeah. Anyway, check out this week’s tweets after the jump!
October saw the release of Miley Cyrus’s song “Wrecking Ball.” Who would have thought that weird toothed Disney star would go on to be a weird toothed rabble-rouser? Remember when she got the entire world talking when she dressed like a fool and rubbed her lady parts on Alan Thicke’s son? #$5eGVE GRw &)ed97g……Sorry. My fingers and brain just stop working for a moment because that’s the most appalling and ridiculous thing they’ve ever typed. My apologies to my fingers and brain.
Vote for your favorite October story! They have to do with sports radio, crazy zookeepers and the state fair.
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