Greetings, gentle travelers. Today I bring you the gospel of a lovely little place known as Heavener. In addition to being the home of the Heavener Runestone, Heavener also sounds like an activity that I do on New Years Eve after I think that I can consume a liter of Merlot in about an hour with no consequences. (Heavener would be that consequence.)
The Runestone has been an object of my obsession for many years now, after a Spanish teacher in middle school alerted me to its existence. Ever since I was 13, I’ve been fairly positive that the Heavener Runestone is not a site of a Viking expedition, but rather a rock of time travel. I would posit that it’s a spot that time travelers stop, almost like a train station, where individuals from different periods of time stop and change “trains” through their time travels. And, as I’m sure you’d guess, they don’t really hang out there for long. We are talking about Heavener, after all. Usually they take the next phonebooth/TARDIS/DeLorean/hot tub the heck out of Heavener. Unless they plan to attend Carl Albert State College in nearby Poteau. And during a time traveling session, a drunken Viking left some graffiti, much like a lady would write a tribute to Rick Mitchell in a restroom at a bar.
Now, all of this may seem illogical. But let us look at the facts that I didn’t get from Wikipedia because I’m seriously in Heavener and talking to local anthropologists. The “Elder Futhark” runes had become obsolete by the 8th century, which was way before the Viking travelers (credence to my time travel argument). Two other runestones have been found around Heavener, both with similarly mysterious inscriptions. And as far as my research has taken me, there are no valid explanations (other than time travel) as to how these runes got carved into the stones.
In Oklahoma, we are used to being number one on many levels. College football, Medicaid coverage increase, marijuana usage, the list goes on. But on one list we didn’t quite make it…the fat list:
For 2011 Mississippi has claimed the title of fattest state for the sixth consecutive year, while Colorado continues its streak as the leanest. Florida rose the most places in the rankings over last year, while Oregon dropped the most, according to a new analysis by CalorieLab, Inc.
Most Obese States
Alabama remained in second place, while Tennessee dropped from last year’s tie with Alabama down to fourth place. West Virginia rose from fourth place last year to third place this year. Kentucky rose from last year’s seventh place to tie with last year’s fifth fattest state, Louisiana.
Yes, out of 50 states we only ranked a whopping 6th in fatness. That’s right. According to the Center for Disease Control Oklahoma is number 6 in The CalorieLab United States of Obesity Fattest States Ranking 2010. This is a disgrace Okies! We need to step up our game a bit if we want to hit number 1.
Here’s 5 things we can use to get us to number 1:
This number may be inflated due to her appearance in all four Ogle Madness tournaments, but if you search the term ”Ashlynn Brooke” on this site, you’ll find over 50 posts that have some sort of reference to this adult film star from Choctaw. They’ve ranged from the very first post about her (the one where we named her “Oklahoma’s Best Porn Star“) to the great “Unfinished Q&A with Ashlynn Brooke.”
Well, after three years of making it to the top of the porn world (and our hearts) Ashlynn Brooke is calling it quits. She’s had a baby, tied the knot and even changed her name to Ashley. She’s also started a safe-for-work blog where she writes about things like quitting porn, selling used cars and even stripping at Clark Matthew’s favorite bar. From the about page on her blog
Hey! You probably don’t know me. I used to write for this site, back in the salad days (131 posts in the first 13 months, 8 in the last three years). Clark Matthews refers to me as “The Sarah Palin of The Lost Ogle” because of my propensity to give up early.
Last week I was talking to Patrick and he told me wants me to start posting again and has a great idea for what I should write about: OETA. Seriously, dude – eight posts in three years. I’m as big an Angela Rosecrans fan as anyone, but I’m not leaving cushy post-obscure-local-social-blogging-retirement for freaking OETA.
But then I heard the Total Dominance Hour last Thursday and got so aggravated I had no choice but to see if I could remember my password here and write about it.
I tuned in in the middle of the conversation, so I don’t know how they got started talking about it, but they were talking about boxing. Do you know what Jim and Al think about boxing? After the flip, I’ll tell you.
Citizens of Oklahoma, we stand at the precipice of absolute anarchy. The sides are divided, and if this is not resolved, Lake Hefner will soon be overflowing with the blood of our brothers and sisters. The issue, as you all well know and have strong opinions about, is “urban chickens.”
Like-minded supporters of backyard chickens have lobbied the Oklahoma City Council in recent weeks to consider an ordinance allowing fowl in backyards. Supporters value the chickens as pets, as a source of eggs and of biological fertilizer for compost.
Chickens only are permitted in Oklahoma City now if held on property of at least an acre, said Bob Tener, director of the city’s Development Services division. He said code enforcers typically get less than half a dozen complaints per year about people raising chickens in unauthorized areas.
Keeping chickens and other minor violations of city code carry a maximum fine of $500.
This issue has two sides and no middle ground. Some people (the poor and hippies) want to raise chickens in their backyard, and some people (citizens with a mortgage) say, “Not in my backyard!”
I want to end the hatred and unite Oklahoma. Below the jump are my five points that will stop the worry about chickens ruining our proud “Big League” city.
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