The Lost Ogle


Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Graphic: Poor kids in Guthrie have to read this weird dude’s short stories…

nick lyon author

The guy pictured above is Nick Lyon. He’s an Oklahoma teacher, writer and more than likely charter member of Jedi OKC. One of his self-published books, a collection of short stories called “It’ll All Work Out,” is generating some alleged “outrage” in Guthrie.

From the always accurate and eager to hype KFOR news team:

There is outrage in Guthrie over a book assigned to junior high students.

Some parents said the story lines include child molestation, rape, murder and torture.

“It’s sickening; it literally made me sick to my stomach when I read it,” Charlotte Purviance said.

She is disgusted with a book she said 8th graders at Guthrie Junior High were assigned to read.

Her grandson is one of the students.

“A lot of the characters in the book are women who are raped, tortured and killed,” Purviance said.

The book titled “It’ll All Work Out” is a collection of short stories.

One excerpt describes a woman suspended in the air, bound by piercing wires causing her body to drip puddles of blood.

It goes on to talk about a snake and worms crawling around her body then entering her vagina.

Yeah, that’s some sick and disgusting stuff. In fact, it’s so sick and disgusting that I fully expect it to be turned into an episode of Law and Order: SVU…which you can coincidentally watch each Wednesday on Oklahoma’s NewsChannel 4 at 8:00pm.

Anyway, some angry old lady is upset that her grandson was forced to read the book. She’s convinced the story will ruin her grandson’s eternal innocence:

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Liz “Mean” Dueweke is engaged and probably leaving for Seattle…

A few months ago, we lost Joleen Chaney — the second hottest and nicest girl in the Oklahoma City media — to an engagement. After hearing the news, I spent a couple of weeks in a state of shock. I was constantly weeping and asking “Why…Why,” but after some deep thought and reading those books that inspired BeeBee Jonez to retire for six months, I realized the entire thing was probably a vast conspiracy by some conservative lobby group.

Well, it looks like my theory has been proven true. The conservatives really are out to get us! On Saturday night, KOKH Morning Anchor Liz Dueweke — the hottest and meanest girl in the OKC media — announced she is engaged to KFOR’s AJ Mertz. In addition to that, we’re hearing rumors that Liz may be leaving for Seattle! Talk about a double whammy. Not only does she get engaged, but then she skips town. Why don’t you cut out our heart, show it to us while we’re alive, and then tell us you’ve built up an immunity to iocane powder while you’re at it?

First, here’s a tweet about the engagement:

She may be mean and only lack a sense of humor, but congrats to Liz and AJ. We wish nothing but the best for them. May their first child be a masculine child.

In case you forgot, this is what her future husband looks like. He kind of gives hope to all other incredibly average guys that they can score a rude, totally-better-than-you hot chick if they get lucky:

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Emily Sutton can measure…shrinkage?

It’s been a week since Jim Traber quit Twitter after a mysterious tweet from his wife to one of his followers, and sadly it seems we are not any closer to cracking the case. For some reason Traber thinks we’re behind it, but we’re not. Who was @SportsGirl04Me? Why was Julie Traber so mad? Will Jim ever return to Twitter? And, hey, what about Perfect Strangers? Remember that show?

Sorry, lost my train of thought. This week we’re returning to a much more traditional version of Monday Morning Tweets, but if anyone happens to have any more information of Trabergate 2013, you know where to find us.

This week’s tweets are below the fold.

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We found Sparkle Titsworth. She’s probably awesome. And I may be a psychic.

Yesterday, I published this photo that recently appeared on BuzzFeed:

sparkle titsworth okc

Here are some random things I had to say about it:

- If Brittany Novotony ever becomes a stripper, Sparkle Titsworth should totally be her stage name. Spencer would love that.

– What would happen if Sparkle Titworth married Romeo Cocksworth? Would the universe collapse upon itself eliminating all matter? Probably.

– The Dental Depot should hire Sparkle Titsworth as a spokesperson to compete with the Tulsa Dentist that hired Sweet Brown. Sparkle could ride around on a little train and say things “I got the gum disease gingivitis! Aint nobody got time for that!”…

Anyway, if you know Sparkle and can send us a pic of the two of you drinking a Big Gulp in front of 7-11, I’ll give you a TLO ink pen. I’ll do the same if you can send us better pics of Tiffany Titsworth. Screw it, just send us pics of any Titsworth you know. We’ll have a Titsworth day at TLO or something.

No one sent us a pic of Sparkle chugging a Big Gulp, and we didn’t get any new pics of Tiffany Titsworth either, but I did learn that Sparkle Titsworth is a D-list local celebrity/legend. After we released that post, I received emails, texts, Facebook messages, Twitter DMs and even a phone call (that’s a big deal nowadays) from people sharing their Sparkle Titsworth stories and experiences. Here’s an example:

Shit you not, my friend worked with her (Sparkle Titsworth) for years in air-traffic control at Will Rogers Int’l. I made him bring me a schedule with her name on it to prove she was real, and now he shares her “classic Sparkle” status updates with me quite frequently.

No offense to the Mike Monroney family, but I propose we immediately change the name of the Oklahoma City FAA facility to the Sparkle Titsworth Aeronautical Center and Western Heritage Museum. That has a much better ring to it.

Anyway, we received several pics of Sparkle from her Facebook Page. Because we kind of respect her privacy, I’m only posting this one of her receiving the $1,000 in free 7-11 gasoline:

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Friday night in the big town: Doobies, monster trucks, and Zumba

FNITBT

Well, readers, it’s the day after Valentine’s Day. That means that a portion of you totally got laid last night. And another larger portion of you are in the doghouse for not putting any effort into the holiday. And still, and even larger portion of you stayed home last night all by yourself and drank beer and watched Netflix. You probably contemplated touching yourself, but ultimately, you were too lazy. Besides, it was so warm under that fleece blanket and you didn’t want to take off those pajama pants. It’s cool, readers. I’m not judging.

Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.

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February 15: The Doobie Brothers at Lucky Star Casino

Fun fact: I used to work at a professional wrestling-themed barbecue restaurant in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart right off the interstate. This is just one of the many mistakes I’ve made in my career. That heinous place has since closed. But I still remember the satellite radio station that would play “Black Water” every twenty minutes. That’s what I think of when I think of The Doobie Brothers.

Maybe you have a better memory of The Doobie Brothers. But I’m willing to bet that if you’re a fan of the band, you don’t remember a whole lot. It’s not your fault. That’s just how drugs work. If you have a vague recollection of maybe liking The Doobie Brothers and would like to refresh your memory as well as probably meet a dude from Newcastle who can sell you some weed, get yourself to Concho.

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February 16-17: Monster Jam at the Chesapeake Energy Arena

ARE YOU READY FOR THE THRILL OF YOUR LIFE? IT’S GOING DOWN THIS WEEKEND AT THE ‘PEAKE. SEE THE BIGGEST MONSTER TRUCKS TO SET THEIR SITES ON DESTRUCTION! IT’S MONSTER JAM THIS SATURDAY AND SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! YOU PAY FOR THE WHOLE SEAT BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!

Real talk: I’ve never seen a monster truck in person. But I’ve seen a lot of dudes with small penises who drive lifted trucks through Oklahoma City. And if those jackwagons in lifted trucks have small penises, how small are the penises of monster truck drivers? This is probably something you can find out this weekend at the Chesapeake Energy Arena. But beware. If you attend this event, I will label you as deadweight for the human race. Sorry. But you are.

February 17: Love Your Body Day Zumba and Skate Party

I’m pretty much constantly guilty of complaining about how I look. It’s not that I’m not happy with myself, I’m just aware of the fact that I’m not Beyoncé. I find this hard to accept, especially since I’m pretty sure that when God created Beyoncé, He photoshopped her into creation, hence her proportions. I know I will never be Beyoncé, and I’m starting to get okay with that. Because rather than hate myself, I’d prefer to hate the bodies of others.

If you love yourself and you love working out in a dancey sort of way, then you should get yourself to Star Skate in Norman. You get to do some Zumba, everyone’s favorite pyramid scheme that makes you look a little like Shakira, and a lot like a drunk white girl at a wedding. Come celebrate your body by shaking it and skating and drinking smoothies.

That’s all for this weekend, readers. I love you all even if you didn’t get me any flowers for Valentine’s Day.

Friday Night in the Big Town” is presented by Lucky Star Casino.  Visit LuckyStarCasino.org to check out a full calendar of their events and concerts.