Here’s some exciting news for obnoxious teenagers, Hamas terrorists and pirates stranded on Lake Hefner.
On Monday, William Crum with The Oklahoman reported that Oklahoma City is going to use a herd of goats from Langston University to keep weeds and grass down near a section of the Hefner Canal near NW Expressway and Wilshire.
And no, I’m not making that up.
From a NewsOK.com article that Facebook will probably label as satire:
I’ll admit, it’s difficult for me to write about Emily Sutton right now. And no, it’s not that I’m jealous about her engagement to Mr. Haha Imtotallybetterthanyou Fireman Dude. That’s old news. I’m totally over that just like I am the James Harden trade, which will probably go down in history as one of the worst NBA trades of all time.
The issue is that now when I think of Emily Sutton, I find myself thinking about fireman, and when I think of fireman, I think of heat, and when I think of heat, I think of Miami, and when I think of Miami, I think of beaches, and when I think of beaches, I think of breasts, and when I think of breasts, well, I find it difficult to focus on writing for this website.
I bring all that up because Emily Sutton and Oklahoma City Community College Hall-of-Famer Lacey Lett were on the air Tuesday morning when another totally natural, not-induced-by-fracking-injection-wells earthquake hit the Edmond area. Thanks to it, we now know how Emily reacts when she sees a tornado or Serge Ibaka at the gym.
As is standard operating procedure, KFOR made a big deal about Emily and Lacey’s reaction to the quake. It’s not as erotic as the threesome Lacey Lett, Tammy Payne and Stan Miller had the last time the ground shook, but for a split second it looks like Emily and Lacey may kiss.
Here’s the clip:
You’ll all be happy to know that Tulsa’s Brookside is about to welcome another burger restaurant. I know, I know–Tulsa needs another hamburger joint about as much as we need another mega church or QuikTrip, but this one will totally be new and innovative and radically different!!
From the Tulsa World:
Earlier this week, some internet hoax threatening a purge made its way to town. Normally, it wasn’t anything you’d take seriously, but fortunately for all of us, we have the Oklahoma City media to warn us about the non-threat and then tell us everything will be fine.
One of the latest internet hoaxes has some Oklahomans a little scared.
Images circulating on social media warned Oklahomans that a real-life version of the movie “The Purge” was set to take place at the end August.
In “The Purge” films, the government sanctions an annual 12-hour period in which any and all criminal activity becomes legal.
However, the images are part of a series of internet hoaxes most likely inspired by a Kentucky high school student.
According to KDVR, purge threats in Kentucky, Ohio, Florida, Michigan and Illinois were all found to be unsubstantiated.
So no worries Oklahomans, the real life purge is not happening.
I like how the KFOR Social Media Bandit mentions that some Oklahomans are “a little scared,” and then fails to interview or find one Oklahoman who is actually “a little scared.” They just simply posted tweets from people who were sarcastically laughing at the hoax. Seriously, who other than a Red Dirt Report reader is really worried that a real life purge is going to happen? Is it you, KFOR Social Media Bandit? Are you the one who’s “a little scared?” Did you write all this because you need assurance from others that it is indeed a prank?
If so, today’s your lucky day. KOCO sent Brian Schlonsky – yeah, that’s his real name – to Norman to investigate the “mysterious” flyers that even David Stanley would find sketchy. Here’s the video:
Last Saturday, this cute, yet somewhat terrifying baby gorilla was born at the Oklahoma City Zoo. She weighed 4-pounds and probably needs her eyebrows trimmed:
Unfortunately, the baby’s mom decided to take advantage of our state’s “Safe Haven” laws and abandoned her child.
Via News 9:
The Oklahoma City Zoo and Botanical Garden welcomes a new member to the family. A female Western lowland gorilla was born in the early hours of Saturday, August 16, inside a Great EscApe day room to mother Ndjole and father Togo.
The baby gorilla weighed a little more than four pounds at birth, and she appears healthy and strong. However, zoo officials said the mother has not demonstrated any signs of maternal care toward her baby since giving birth, and the Zoo’s veterinarian team and gorilla keepers have made the decision to hand rear the infant.
“Ndjole was given several opportunities to bond with her baby within the first 24 hours and didn’t show any interest in her, putting the newborn’s life at risk,” said OKC Zoo Veterinarian Dr. Jennifer D’Agostino.
According to officials, caregivers will provide around-the-clock care for the infant gorilla in an off-exhibit area in Great EscApe to keep the baby in close proximity to other gorillas. It is the Zoo’s goal to explore every option to reunite the infant with other gorillas as soon as possible.
That’s depressing. Ndjole better return all the gifts the other female gorillas gave her at the baby shower. You can’t keep the stuff if you reject the baby.
Obviously, once news broke that a cute little baby gorilla was born at the zoo, the social media bandits from all four TV news stations pounced on the clickable OMG! CUTE! ADORABLE! story and posted it on Facebook. As we know, there’s nothing they love more than a like-inducing post about an animals.
Unfortunately, this woke up some Derplahomans who were sound asleep in their double wides. Never afraid to share their racist, 19th century views on the world, they took a break from sewing confederate flags to dazzle us with their sophisticated humor.
Here are 18 totally real Facebook comments I took from the Channel 4, Channel 5 and Channel 9 Facebook pages.
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