Ahhhh, do you feel that, readers? That’s the almost orgasmic sensation of the beginning of another Thunder season. I just love it when those fellas throw around the old leather pumpkin, as Liz Lemon would say. It’s finally time to sit in sports bars until midnight on a weeknight and drink while my boyfriend watches the game, and I tweet inane things about how Kendrick Perkins gives the best hugs (I will not let this drop). And as I’m sure you know, there are a couple of games this weekend, but in case you don’t care much for the old leather pumpkin, I’ve made a list of activities that can all be done while drinking beer.
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town!
Usually when I get physical, you can really hear my body talk. Basically every joint pops, I groan, and there’s a delightful wheeze coming from my lung region like the chorus of a protest song, saying there will be no peace until I get my chubby haunches back on that sofa and watch reruns of 30 Rock on Netflix. But maybe I just feel old and out of shape because I work out at the OU gym with a bunch of skinny 19-year olds who wear makeup and never break a freakin’ sweat.
If you’re an ONJ fan, and you’re not tired of everyone lately singing about Sandy as if she were a character in a musical and not a hurricane that killed a bunch of people, get yourself on down to Thackerville, the only city in Oklahoma that makes you feel like you have a lisp when you say it. I’m really running out of ONJ references, and I’m really not clever enough to work “Xanadu” into this paragraph. Also, I’m pretty sure this isn’t something the majority of our readership would enjoy.
This Tuesday, Oklahoman’s will flock to the polls to vote for their favorite Republican leaders. In addition to that, they’ll be asked to cast their votes either for or against six state questions. Here are they are:
State Question 758: This initiative would lower the annual cap on future property tax increases from 5% to 3%. If you vote against this, you’re a jackass…or concerned it will hurt education funding.
State Question 759: This amendment would limit affirmative action programs in Oklahoma. This SQ is enthusiastically support by 98% of all angry white uncles who watch Fox News and send political chain emails. The other 2% are prisoners and can’t vote.
State Question 762: This one doesn’t seem that bad. It would remove the governor from the parole process for some nonviolent prisoners and save the state about $3.3-million a year. Naturally, our governor is against the measure.
State Question 765: By far, this is the most interesting issue on the ballot. It would allow the Oklahoma Water Resources Board to issue bonds to provide a reserve fund for that board. The fund would be reserved for water resource and sewage treatment programs. This would be different than the way things usually work, which is who the hell cares.
State Question 765: This measure would abolish the Oklahoma Department of Human Services, the Oklahoma Commission of Human Services and the position of Director of the Oklahoma Department of Human Services. According to the measure, instead of having this department, commission and position be responsible for adopting rules and regulations regarding the state’s elderly, that power would fall to the Oklahoma Legislature and also if a citizen-initiative is placed on the ballot proposing a law regarding the elderly. Also I just copied and pasted all that info from Ballotpedia.
State Question 766: This is the measure that Fake Barry Switzer endorsed. It will lower taxes on utilities, and as a result, raise taxes on individual property owners! Sounds like a good deal! Large businesses never catch a break.
I’m not sure if you read all that, but our state questions are pretty boring this year. I nearly fell asleep while writing about them. My favorite state question ever was the one back in 2004 that allowed poker and black jack in casinos. That’s back when everyone thought they were the next Chris Moneymaker. I was so excited when it passed! Since then, I’ve played poker about five or six times in an Oklahoma casino.
Anyway, because this year’s state questions suck, Spencer and I came up with a list of 10 others that should be on the Oklahoma ballot. Lets get a petition drive going and make some of these happen!
1. Force someone to take and pass a drug test before receiving a high-interest Pay Day loan.
Makes sense, right? If we’re going to force poor people to pass a drug test before they can get food stamps, we might as do the same thing before they take out a high interest loan will ruin their credit and make them get on food stamps.
2. Make “English at a 5th Grade Comprehension Level” be the official language of Oklahoma.
That may be setting the bar a little high, but I think we can do it.
Attractive girls are everywhere — especially on TV — but the one thing that separates Emily Sutton from the pack is that she can be cute and nerdy. It’s a rare, deadly and downright adorable combination to have and it’s a big reason why Emily is so popular. If you need proof of this, check out her Halloween costume. It won second place in a local contest:
Shux, isn’t that adorable. Most girls dress up as slutty nurses or sexy luffas for Halloween, but Emily Sutton was a weather instrument. She’s so cute and clever. Plus, it’s also a whole lot better than what she did for a recent karaoke contest at Baker’s Street.
It looks like Halloween has been extended for a few more days in Oklahoma City. There’s a scary man on the loose around town and he’s armed with a machete.
Machete-wielding man wanted in violent attack
A man armed with a machete is on the loose after attacking a neighbor Wednesday morning near N.W. 50th St. and N. Portland Ave.
Police said a 31-year-old man accused of stalking his ex-girlfriend vandalized a car outside her house on the 3800 block of N.W. 51st St.
Neighbors said the man then drove his car into a house across the street.
That’s when neighbor Randall Love intervened and was confronted with a machete.
Covering his wound, Love described the moment his neighbor’s ex-boyfriend attacked him with the weapon.
“He came down instantly with a double-handed machete sweep,” he said.
The female victim didn’t want to go on camera but her brother, Mark Stout said this isn’t the first violent situation with the man.
“I’m a little scared of the guy,” he said. “I just hope the police will do their job and put him away.”
Stout identified the suspect as Michael Rogers (also known as Jasper Zan), however police do not have a warrant out for his arrest and he has not been charged with any crime at this time.
Eh, no big deal right?Well, this story is waaaaaaaaay more disturbing than a “typical” machete attack. See the picture up there? That’s not some lonely emo kid dressed up as a mass murdering Marilyn Manson fan for Halloween. That’s the guy. He posted that pic on his Facebook Page and is wearing the same damn mask he wore when he drove by his ex-girlfriend’s house at 2:00am while armed with a machete!
But the story gets worse. Check out the YouTube video Machete Man — his name is Jasper Zan — posted while hiding in the woods after the attack. The clip was “removed by user” a couple of hours later, but KFOR snagged a copy before it was deleted. Here it is:
Yesterday, the Norman Transcript published a “Letter to the Editor” by Barry and Becky Switzer. The letter enthusiastically supported SQ 766, which would stop intangible property taxes (whatever that is). Here it is:
I write to express my support for State Question 766 and to urge your readers to vote yes on SQ 766 this November.
SQ 766 is a statewide ballot question that would correct a 2009 decision by the Oklahoma Supreme Court that opened the door to all kinds of new taxes on Oklahoma citizens and small businesses. Put simply, it means that local governments can tax things that are intangible — literally, things that they cannot touch or cannot see. This includes things like your pension, a lease to hunt on someone else’s land, and your insurance policies.
It also means small businesses could be taxed on things like intellectual property or patents — the type of innovations that we need to keep Oklahoma moving forward. Those jobs and job creators won’t come to Oklahoma, they’ll go to where the environment is more favorable.
In my time at OU, it was never OK to lose a football game to Texas. But now we are talking about jobs, and without passage of SQ 766, businesses looking to expand or move to Oklahoma will take those jobs across the border. That’s unacceptable.
So, I ask your readers to join me in voting yes on SQ 766.
Barry and Becky Switzer
Yeah, I’m not so sure Barry and Becky Switzer actually wrote that.
For one, Barry is a big time supporter of Democrats, and SQ 766 is Chamber of Commerce backed legislation. It will (possibly) lower taxes for businesses and utilities, and (possibly) hurt education funding for rural school districts. It doesn’t seem like something Barry Switzer would endorse, much less enthusiastically support by sending a poorly written campaign chain letter to the Norman Transcript.
Plus, Becky Switzer denies that she or her husband wrote the thing. From her Facebook Wall:
Thanks! Your message has been sent!