Editor’s Note I: We’d like to welcome Louis Fowler to the TLO Contributor Circle. You may have seen his work in the Oklahoma Gazette or those erotic comic books he leaves lying around on the bus.
Editor’s Note II: We acquired the “Real Housewives of Oklahoma City” teaser/ trailer / pitch video (above) through the Ogle Mole Network. Uhm, who wouldn’t want to watch those ladies? Also, notice how it’s no longer using the “Real Housewives” brand. Bravo must hav good lawyers.
No matter how much I want to be, I am no Annette Colbert-Latham.
I am not a small-craft airplane pilot, even though I have been asked to leave numerous Southwest flights due to my considerable girth. Sadly, I’ve never gotten a degree from the DeVry Institute, but do I throw my wallet at the TV screen whenever that one dude hanging out by the underpass in the Everest College commercials starts screaming at me. And, probably worst of all, I have never had a pitch meeting with the CEO’s of major advertising companies like Coca-Cola and Cheesecake Factory in luxurious Beverley Hills, California.
But maybe now I don’t need to…
Now that Oklahoma City is in the reality spotlight thanks to the success of Street Outlaws and all the recent hubbub over Colbert-Latham’s extraordinarily unbelievable feat of bringing the Real Housewives franchise to the Big Town, one can be sure that there will be a Bravo producer on every street corner, keeping an eye open, looking for the latest and greatest in real life that OKC has to offer. So let me be the first, Bravo, to formally submit my pitches to your network, possibly for inclusion on your 2013-14 programming schedule.
Just please reassure me that a degree from DeVry is not necessary. Please.
1. Who Wants to Date a KFOR Meteorologist?
The forecast calls for romance as KFOR’s adorable spitfire, Emily Sutton, one of the most eligible bachelorettes in OKC, steps out from behind the green screen and into the yellow glow of the Oklahoma moonlight as she looks for love in the wedge fronts of some of Oklahoma City’s hunkiest men.
Like a Dominator 4 in an F5, Emily will put these bachelors through their paces as they all try to win her pleasantly affable heart. Can they compete with her in an early morning jog around Lake Hefner? Will they be able to resist the temptation of her sultry former roommate Joleen and her melons? And will they be able to cope with her throwing herself in numerous dangerous situations, or will they run away in shambles, realizing that no man could ever tame this wild heart of hers?
Hosted by “Emmy-winning entertainer” and remarkably life-like Muppet Lucas Ross, Who Wants to Date a KFOR Meteorologist will add a high-pressure front of romantic suspense and sexy intrigue to the Bravo line-up.
Rumors are awful most of the time. Except for the rumors about how cool I am and how much game I have. Those are totally cool. But not the rumors that two blonde girls from middle school started about me. Do you hear me, Sequoyah Middle School football players circa 1998? I did not do lesbian porn, regardless of what Kasey and Carissa said.
Now, in middle school, I didn’t do anything about the rumors. It was easier to lay low. But not everyone can do that. Some people get mad and have a confrontation. And that’s what happened when a metro woman found out her neighbor spread a rumor that she had sex with her cat. From NewsOK.com:
Yesterday was a bad day for men with long gray beards.
First, OSBI announced that they arrested Wiley Gene Davis Jr. He’s a coed baseball coach, Santa Claus impersonator and apparently has never watched “To Catch A Predator.”
A Warr Acres man often paid by local schools to play Santa Claus has been arrested after attempting to meet a teen girl for sex, authorities said Monday.
Wiley Gene Davis Jr., 49, was arrested on complaints of lewd proposals to a child under 16, violation of the Oklahoma Computer Crimes Act and possession of a firearm while in the commission of a felony.
A spokeswoman for the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation said Davis responded to a Craigslist ad he believed was posted by a 15-year-old girl, making numerous sexual and lewd proposals and referring to himself as “Santa.”
He arrived about 7:30 p.m. Thursday at a convenience store near Coltrane and Waterloo to meet the girl and was instead greeted by OSBI agents and Guthrie police.
Davis was carrying a loaded pistol and a private investigator badge when he was arrested, authorities said.
OSBI agents said in addition to playing Santa at area schools, Davis coached coed baseball for children 6 years old and younger in the Oklahoma City area.
Shocking, huh? I can’t believe that a grown man who dresses up in a costume and promises gifts and toys to small children sitting in his lap would ever be accused of wanting to bang a 15-year-old girl, or would actually believe that a 15-year-old wanted to sleep with him. I could see that happening to the dude who plays the Easter Bunny or the neighborhood Tooth Fairy, but not Santa. Speaking of that, what ever happened to the old neighborhood Tooth Fairy? Remember him? When I was a kid, he’d prance around my neighborhood selling pixi sticks to kids as we played in the sprinkler in the front lawn, then one day he suddenly disappeared. He was an odd fellow.
Pedo Claus wasn’t the only gray beard to have a bad weekend. Meet Raymond Hulsley. He was caught trying to break into his neighbor’s house while naked and armed only with a piece of wood and a sex toy.
The FBI is asking for help in identifying the hipster wannabe bank robber above. He hit the Bank of Oklahoma branch on N. May Ave. yesterday morning before it was cool. He was last seen eating grilled cheese sandwiches at the Mule in the Plaza District.
FBI hunts OKC bearded bank bandit
FBI officials are looking for a man who was wearing a strange disguise while robbing a bank in Oklahoma City on Monday morning.
Authorities are looking for a man who robbed the Bank of Oklahoma branch, along N. May Ave., around 9 a.m.
The suspect is described as a black man, in his late 20s to mid-30s.
He stands about 6-feet tall and has a heavy build.
The man was last seen carrying a black backpack and wearing a fake beard, straw hat and sunglasses.
The suspect also showed the teller a semi-automatic pistol prior to leaving the bank.
He was spotted leaving the bank on foot, heading east through the bank’s parking lot.
Fortunately, no one was injured.
The Oklahoma Banker’s Association is offering a $2,000 reward for information leading to an arrest.
Say what you want about KFOR’s news reporting, at least their stories are semi-colorful. My only concern is that they seem to rely a little too much on the word “bandit.” It’s their version of my “seriously” or “anyway.” In addition to the bearded bank bandit, we’ve had:
As you all know, I enjoy browsing mugshots online and while I wait in line at Walgreens. It’s like looking at a who’s who of popular kids in high school. Well, maybe not “popular,” but the cool kids whose parents let them do whatever they wanted… which means they were negligent. In the past, I’ve made fun of the people arrested in a prostitution sting and Fox 25’s published mugshots, and each time some PC liberal has criticized me for being immature and picking on the vulnerable, sick and weak. That means it’s now time for me to check out the talent that KOCO has put online!
Just to clarify, these people are in no way connected. The only thing they have in common is that they probably enjoy narcotics and their pictures are displayed on KOCO’s website. And just like on Cops, they are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law. Check them out:
James Eric Eidson
Alias: Stank Eye
Charged With: One complaint of assault and battery, and one complaint of assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.
Favorite Pick-up Line: “Hey baby, why don’t you come have a seat on Uncle Pa’s lap bone.” Also, he’s watching you right now.
Milton Stanley Moore
Alias: Short Round
Charged With: complaints of trafficking a controlled dangerous substance, assault and battery on a police officer, resisting arrest and destruction of evidence.
Fun Fact: His head is so perfectly round that scientist’s use it to calibrate their instruments. The charges of him impersonating a bowling ball were dropped.
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