Hello everyone. As I’m sure you’ve seen, celebrities and us groundlings are taking to social media to dump ice water on themselves. This “Ice Bucket Challenge” is a vehicle for the ALS Association to raise money to fight Lou Gehrig’s Disease, a condition affecting nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord, leading to loss of muscle control and death. The wildly successful campaign quickly raised $4 million in two weeks. This is a great cause and everyone should donate and participate.
This got me thinking about ways to solve local issues through similar acts. Recently one of my favorite “societal panics,” devil worship, took hold of Gov. Fallin, a few religious leaders and some other people who are probably over 60. It’s become a big “to-do” for Fallin and the old ones, but not for many others. I have the answer to get the PR ball rolling. It’s called “The Goat’s Blood Challenge.”
How do you prove to The Dark Lord that you are not afraid? You fight fire with fire. We all know devil worshipper’s affinity for goat’s blood. Let’s take their precious nectar and show them what we think of it. Go get the Gatorade bucket, the goat’s blood and a bag of ice and dump that over your head, preferably without blinking. Facebook, Twitter and YouTube it. Now who holds the power? It certainly isn’t The Dark Lord.
I fully expect all of the political big boys and girls to take part, as well as OKC celebrities, beginning with Marisa and Aaron Tuttle. Let’s do this Oklahoma. We have a demon to fight.
On that note, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Earlier this week, the National Weather Service announced they are making changes to the tornado threat levels that Oklahomans have become all too accustomed to seeing each spring.
Apparently, the old system was too simple and didn’t do enough to make people live in a constant state of fear and panic. At least that’s what I assume based on this Silas “The Slammer” Allen article on NewsOK.com:
If you pay attention to weather forecasts, you might notice new terms making their way into storm predictions this fall.
The National Weather Service’s Storm Prediction Center is adding two new categories to its list of threat levels. Officials with the Norman-based agency say the new categories will help residents better understand how likely storms are and avoid being taken by surprise.
Under the old threat level system, National Weather Service forecasters predicted slight, moderate or high levels of risk of tornadoes, severe thunderstorms and other weather. Beginning Oct. 22, forecasters will be able to predict a “marginal” or “enhanced” risk.
Greg Carbin, the center’s warning coordination meteorologist, said the new system breaks the old “slight risk” category into three new categories: marginal risk, slight risk and enhanced risk. The “moderate risk” and “high risk” categories won’t be changed.
Okay, so we took a simple, three level classification system that seemed to work and replaced it with a more complex, harder to distinguish five-tiered system. I feel safer already!
Seriously, did they not consult a focus group of Oklahomans before doing this? We’re not exactly known as the brightest state in the nation. If you need proof, just take a look at the new threat levels placed in alphabetical order:
Now without looking back at the NewsOK article, put the new threat levels in order from “Least Concern” to “Holy Shit, we’re all going to die!” Not so easy, is it? I tried and got “slight” and “marginal” mixed up. I also screwed up and interchanged “enhanced” with “moderate.” Granted, it’s 2:00pm and I’m already drunk, but who isn’t on a Thursday?
So, why exactly is the NWS making this change? Did they hire that goofball that slandered Aaron Tuttle to make some new policies? Here’s the reasoning:
Last week, we encouraged TLO readers to nominate Jenni Carlson as the new Thunder TV analyst for some goofy reader engagement / contest / space killer thing The Oklahoman was doing. We figured it would be a funny thing to do because it would put The Oklahoman in the awkward spot of having to treat Jenni’s nomination seriously. Great idea, huh?
Well, not if you work for The Oklahoman. I guess they didn’t like the thought of Jenni Carlson and Brian Davis teaming up to form the most awful sports broadcasting team in history. They ignored the will of the people despite these Twitter nominations:
Back in April, we announced the $200 TLO Weather Dong Contest. It seemed like a pretty good idea at the time – severe weather season was about to start, weather dongs are funny, and most of our readers have the deeply sick, perverted minds of school teachers and bingo players. Hell, we even had Patricia’s on board to sponsor the thing. We’ll just ask readers to send us weather dong pics and hilarity will ensue. We’ll even give a $100 Patricia’s Gift Card to the meteorologist victimized by the dong. What could go wrong???
Well, a couple of things:
1. We had a very mild severe storm season. This is the weather dong equivalent of thinking about football. Of all the times for Gary England to take it easy on us, he chose the one spring that we launch a damn weather dong contest. I don’t blame him. This was his first spring away from the Oklahoma weather scene since he flew around the earth in weather balloon in search of the Weatherford Lightning Monster in 1965. He probably just wanted to enjoy his first spring as a retired weather savior. Then again, the calm weather may have been retribution for us missing the 2013 Gary England Day Pilgrimage, or failing to sacrifice and old gentner at News 9′s Doppler Radar. Who knows.
2. We did a shitty job promoting the contest. I should have known better. I wrote a post about the thing and then kind of forgot about it. I’m bad about that. We should have at least created some house ads for the contest, or set up an alert to go out on Twitter and Facebook whenever there was rain in the forecast.
Because of those two factors, I wasn’t too impressed with the quality or volume of this year’s weather dong entries. It was about as disappointing as a dinner at Vast. I guess that’s okay. The same thing happened the first time we had a State Fair Photo Contest and look what it’s become. In fact, the first year of that thing the winning pic was staged. Now we wish and hope the winning pics are staged, but sadly they’re not.
Anyway, enough with excuses. Here are the finalists for the 2014 TLO Weather Dong Competition. We’ll try to do this again next year and hopefully it will be a whole lot better. Check them out and vote after the jump:
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