Whether it’s for a Thunder game, a concert, a wedding, or a secret TLO hazing ritual, I make it down the Turner Turnpike to OKC for an overnight trip at least a couple times a year. Aside from bugging friends for suggestions, it’s hard to get a good answer on where to eat or what to do while in town for such a short period…
(Editor’s Note: We don’t have the heart to tell Chelsea about Yelp!)
Because I’m a considerate individual, I realize that this may happen to many of you when in Tulsa for a concert at Cain’s or a Tulsa Shock game (or okay, concerts at Cain’s). So here’s my out-of-towners guide to Tulsa, broken down by common situations you may find yourself in.
Before reading keep these rules in mind…
- All of these places are downtown/midtown. Why? Because I’m assuming you’re going to Cain’s, or the Brady, or the BOK, or the Center of the Universe festival, or a wedding at the Jazz Hall of Fame, Philbrook, or Mayo Hotel and not to a hospital. Also, if you wanted to visit South Tulsa, Broken Arrow/Jenks, you’d save a lot of gas money by visiting Edmond or northern Norman instead.
- This is the Lost Ogle, not the Yellow Pages. (Editor’s Note: We still don’t have the heart to tell Chelsea about Yelp!) We’re growing and thriving, not the other way around, so I’m going to list like 3-5 places, not every damn establishment within a 5 mile radius.
- This is a list geared towards people visiting from out-of-town. Yes, Jenks and Broken Arrow residents, this may apply to you, too. This isn’t just like, a list of all my favorite places (Editor’s Note: Thank God!). I considered the level of friendliness, convenience, and novelty before adding a place to this post.
With that out-of-the-way, let’s start with…
Where to go… if you’re trying to impress a lady friend with a nice dinner, celebrating a birthday, or suspect that you’re rich great Aunt Nelly is footing the bill.
As a regular reader of this blog, you’re probably aware that I like to criticize The Oklahoman from time to time. Let’s be honest, it’s not too hard. If anything, it illustrates how insanely lazy I am:
“Hey Patrick, want to do something meaningful and productive with your life?”
“Nah! I’m just going to sit here and eat cheese, watch Comedy Central and mock The Oklahoman. After that, I’m going to play Madden in Rookie mode, boil an egg and make fun of the Oklahoma legislature.”
It really is too easy. This is a newspaper that employs Jenni Carlson, employed Zeke Campfield, endorsed Janet Barresi and exposed its own sad demise over coffee. They called Kevin Durant “Mr. Unreliable,” can’t even properly ripoff Buzzfeed, and despite having a well-deserved reputation as one of the most biased, vengeful and politically active newspapers in the country, they went with “The State’s Most Trusted News” as a marketing slogan, which then allowed us to mockingly call them “The State’s Most Trusted News” in every post where we expose how untrustworthy they are.
“The State’s Most Trusted News” thing has always cracked me up. If you want an example of The Oklahoman’s interpretation of “trusted news,” take a look at the paper’s highly publicized move back to downtown Oklahoma City.
On the surface, it looks like a positive event and the paper is reporting it as such. They’ve already had Boomer Tramel write an ode to the new offices, and earlier this week, the Editorial Board chimed in with this…
Thomas Wolfe had it wrong. You can go home again.
The Oklahoman did so these past two weeks, as we moved into our new office building downtown. After 24 years working at the tower located at Britton Road and the Broadway Extension, we’re now smack dab in the heart of this great city, at 100 W Main.
People who return to their childhood homes are always struck by how much smaller the place seems. The opposite is true in this case – downtown Oklahoma City is far bigger and better than it was when we pulled up stakes in 1991.
The main entrance to our building is on Robinson Avenue, across the street from the grand Colcord Hotel. The Devon Energy tower is just a little ways west of us. If they wanted, our sports writers and photographers could walk the one block to Chesapeake Energy Arena to cover the Thunder — neither the building nor the NBA team existed the last time we were here.
Across the street to our east are the Renaissance hotel and the Continental Resources headquarters, each new since last we worked downtown. The Skirvin Hotel, just up Broadway a few blocks, is bustling again. It was shuttered when we moved north.
The list of changes goes on and on. We’re delighted to add to it by returning home. We look forward to the city’s continued growth, and to many years of doing what we can to help make Oklahoma a better place to live, work and raise a family.
It really is a great narrative. The proud newspaper returning home to its urban roots at a growing city’s core. They have a new video board to show advertisements, fancy studios for David Morris to shoot videos, and nice fluorescent lighting. There’s even a “Timeline of Sadness” in the newsroom to remind employees of all the depressing tragedies they’ve covered over the years:
As you probably know, Sally Kern, that writhing hive of spiders in a skinsuit, introduced legislation this session that would protect the rights of controlling parents to abuse their children by sending them to gay conversion therapy. It’s part of her plan to ensure that more Oklahoma teens have access to suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
According to NewsOK.com:
A bill that seeks to protect the practice of gay conversion counseling passed out of an Oklahoma House committee Tuesday.
House Bill 1598, which now goes to the full House, says the state will not prohibit or restrict counseling intended to rid people of attraction to those of their own gender. It also seeks to protect parents who want such counseling for their children.
Nothing prevents this type of counseling now, but Rep. Sally Kern, R-Oklahoma City, said her bill is needed because the practice is under attack legislatively in other states.
“All across the nation, bills are being introduced to ban parents from having the right to take their children for counseling if they are struggling with same-sex attractions,” Kern said. “As you know, we do lots of bills that are pre-emptive, so this is pre-emptive to make sure that parental rights are upheld.”
See? Hive of spiders in a skin suit.
We here at The Lost Ogle are not fans of this legislation for many reasons. Gay conversion therapy is harmful both physically and psychologically. It attempts to change something that is not changeable. And we’re also just not down with telling people to change who they are so it fits the ideals found in a 2,000 year old book.
However, maybe Kern is onto something. There are lots of things worth changing when it comes to the human race, so we thought maybe we would introduce new conversion therapies to the state, ones that would do more good than harm. For example…
Spray Tan Conversion Therapy
We would recommend this therapy to Aaron Tuttle. I know he’s big into the bodybuilding game, but there is something unholy and unnatural about a streaky orange man.
Lemon Conversion Therapy
For this one, we’re going to get Sir John Michael to lead the therapy sessions. Because when life gives you lemons, he knows just how to turn it around.
Let’s imagine for a minute the ocean water surrounding the west African country Ivory Coast.
What does that imagining, if anything, have to do with Oklahoma and one of its seemingly countless numbers of Baptist ministers or the state’s high school history curriculum?
Maybe Jay-Z can answer the question. As he puts it in his song Oceans, “Because this water drown my family/This water mixed my blood/This water tells my story/This water knows it all.”
On a rudimentary level, what Jay-Z is referring to in the song is slavery. Ivory Coast, officially known as Republic of Côte d’Ivoire, is just one formerly colonized country in west Africa in a region known as the Slave Coast. It was here where captured native people were chained, often brutally tortured by sadistic monsters, put on ships and then taken to countries like Jamaica to work on sugar plantations or then later in time taken to the United States to work on cotton plantations. Cotton. Candy.
All this connects directly to The Trail of Tears and to Indian Territory, now known as the state called Oklahoma.
This is the type of obvious and basic information that didn’t get mentioned in the recent controversy over the Oklahoma legislative bill that would have removed Advanced Placement history courses from Oklahoma’s high schools because, as one lawmaker argued, they don’t teach enough “American exceptionalism.” How is slavery “exceptional?” How is removing native people from their lands under the disingenuous myth of the brave, far-sighted “settlers” an exceptional historical fact?
The bill, introduced by state Rep. Dan Fisher, is now apparently receiving a rewrite because of the public outcry that ensued after it received media attention. Fisher is the senior pastor at Trinity Baptist Church in Yukon. I would like to hear of him making a clear and just statement from his own pulpit that he thinks slavery was a sordid part of American history and he stands against racism and bigotry before he ever again introduces another bill in the Oklahoma Legislature. That’s probably not going to happen.
I guess Fisher’s simplistic view of history does allow us to have a larger discussion about Oklahoma’s high school curriculum in general and what we teach in courses from history to English to biology and even math. Since I get paid by the word, let’s attempt to have it…
Earlier this week, Bloomberg reported that The University of Oklahoma was cited by the USDA in January for mistreating animals in a research lab. Apparently, University workers were waterboarding baby monkeys (giving them hypothermia) and keeping baboons locked in filthy cages that are still probably cleaner than your roommate’s bathroom.
Surprisingly, the local TV news media hasn’t mentioned or touched this story since the USDA report was released in January. Considering they love nothing more than to report a sad news story about an abused dog, neglected horse, mistreated chinchilla, or nesting owls, you think they’d be all over it. I wonder what’s keeping them from reporting it. I bet the answer rhymes with either “Bavid Doren” or “Gagvertising.”
Here’s the story via Bloomberg:
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