Since today is that weird Monday after Christmas that feels like a Sunday, and with most offices around the state being closed, we’re going to take things easy this cold dreary day. At around 10:00am, Clark will post his Thunder season preview, and unless the Oklahoman is sold again or Milk on Milk releases another music video, we’ll probably be done for the day.
If that makes you sad, consider a couple of things:
• Clark Matthews will literally cry if you do not read the column. Plus, I snuck in some ASCII art of fictional nude Thunder Girls.
• At least we posted that photo of Joleen Chaney, Emily Sutton and a wood elf dressed in red at the KFOR home office. There’s a different one after the jump.
Anyway, we’ll be back in full force tomorrow. Spencer will share his New Year resolutions and I’ll begin to review some of our top posts from this past year. We’ll also begin to countdown our Top 20 Oklahoma News Stories of 2011. We’ll do our best to make things nostalgic and sad.
Check it all out this week on TLO!!!!
p.s. – Isn’t that teaser kind of funny. I feel like I should be writing scripts for Channel 4. Also, do you like how I played up that today will be slow? As if Monday’s are usually a hub of bustling activity at TLO headquarters. I think the last time we had more than two posts on a Monday was when Lauren Richardson was rolling on logs. Or a couple of weeks ago. I can’t remember.
‘Twas the Friday Night in the Big Town before Christmas when all through the state frantic shoppers were scurrying because they started shopping too late. They had to buy presents and spend family time, and nearly all of them had spent their money down to their last dime. So, dear reader, pour yourself some eggnog and settle in all cozy to read this merry blog. Pay attention, dear readers, and make not a sound for I am about to share with you your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Try not kill your family
This is an activity that, make no mistake, is just as important as any cookies you bake. Smile real big and take what they give because they’re your family so you have to let them live. Who cares if your aunt is a falling-down-drunk? It’s not like her body will fit in your sports car’s trunk. Though your mother truly hates her and she makes fun of you by saying “when you gonna get a real job, and use that degree of yours too?”, remember to stay in the spirit of holiday cheer because you only have to tolerate that heinous bitch one day a year.
And please don’t forget that cousin of yours who did some hard time, he’ll be there too, wanting to share with you his next crime. You see, he knows this guy who can get a great deal, so if you spot him 5 g’s, you’ll soon make a profit for real. Though he has no job and can just barely read, he thinks he’s helping you out with this tip, what a right noble deed! The key is to put the drunk aunt and delinquent side by side at the table because she makes poor decisions, she’ll give him the cash as soon as she’s able. And thus, my dear readers, you’ve killed two birds with one stone. Just make sure you’re never in the same room with either of them alone!
We’ve always had a little fun at the expense of local Video Vigilante Brian Bates. The fun, in my opinion, is warranted when you consider the guy sneaks around the streets of Oklahoma City filming John’s and prostitutes in action, and then turns around and sells the licenses to those videos to make a quick buck. No hypocrisy there, right?
It’s just too easy to make fun of the guy. Just look at the picture above. There are at least five easy jokes in it. Plus, when you call him Mister Bates, it sounds a lot like you are saying masturbates, which is something I’m sure Mister Bates does quite frequently while filming and watching his videos.
Anyway, local funny man and filmmaker Zane Larue is taking Video Vigilante humor to a whole new level. Check out the trailer to his upcoming short film “John Watch: The Rise of Ryan Rates.”
After a brief hiatus, Larry Jones is back on television. This time, instead of begging for money to feed starving children and fund his porn research, he’s asking for you to help an elderly Oklahoma couple who lost their home in the November 5th earthquake.
Here’s the commercial. Let’s just say it lacks the “umph” of those 1980s spots:
If you’re like me, readers, then you have the holiday blues so bad that you don’t care what you get for Christmas. It’s not that I’m against Christmas, I’m just tired of being bombarded by the seasonal décor and ambience. It’s like if every summer you had to listen to Bryan Adams sing “Summer of ‘69” on a loop while you were force fed popsicles and cherry Coke while floating in a pool. It’s just plain overkill. And what makes it the worst is that, even though I could pretty much avoid the Christmas music up until this point, I can’t now. It’s everywhere.
So, to commemorate the week that feels a lot like that scene from A Clockwork Orange where Alex is forced to watch violence while Beethoven plays (except I’m forced to watch A Christmas Story while holiday music is piped in) I’ve made a list of the five worst Christmas songs of all time to hopefully get you into the grinching mood.
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