What’s up, foolish readers? I’m pregnant and the Thunder is moving back to Seattle. April fools! Ah snap!
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.
Hark! Hearest thou grown-ups playing around like children? Well that means the Medieval Fair is in town. It’s probably been about six months since you last had a turkey leg (at the state fair) and it’s probably time for you to eat another. And if you haven’t sharpened your broad sword in a while, I think someone there could do it for you.
I’m not gonna lie. I like the medieval fair because it’s the only place that I can drink root beer that was brewed in the belly of a dragon, try on and purchase a corset and people watch a subgroup of the population that makes me look like the cream of the crop. I like it. I’m completely for the medieval fair.
Editor’s Note: As I’m writing this, there’s a good chance Joe Castiglione may have already hired the next coach, but hopefully not.
As you may know, the University of Oklahoma is looking for a new head coach. The reason they are doing this is because the last one they hired didn’t know how to run or manage a program. But hey, he did sign an NBA All Star who is arguable is the greatest athlete to ever be born in Oklahoma! And hey, at least we got to watch him and stuff!. Yippee!
Anyway, right now the hunt for a new head coach is not going well. There are a lot of head coaches that are scared of the OU basketball program. They are scared for a bunch of reasons.
One, just look at the returning talent. OU’s alleged best player didn’t even play last season and in two seasons of college basketball has averaged less than five points a game. The team’s second best player is a big lumbering power forward with a decent mid-range game and the speed of fast snail. I’m not sure who the third best player is — it’s probably-maybe Cameron Clark — but I do know that a freshman named Tyler Neal played key minutes for the Sooners. I know this because he played high school ball at my high school Alma Mater and grew up a couple of houses down from my parents. The fact that an 18-year-old white kid who went to Putnam City West and grew up in Brownsville played key minutes for OU epitomizes the state of the program.
In addition to the lack of talent, OU is in the middle of an NCAA investigation. That’s because an OU booster – though the help of an assistant coach – paid the biggest recruiting bust in OU basketball history to come to the school and eat a bunch of cheeseburgers. That’s pretty bad, but what makes it worse is that OU was already in the NCAA doghouse because Mr. Heart-Hustle-Hardwood used his cell phone more than a 14-year-old girl.
Because of those NCAA concerns, OU is limited on who they can hire. Not only must a coach be crazy or desperate enough to take the head coaching job, but the coach has to have a squeaky clean image. Finding an NCAA basketball coach with a squeaky clean image is like finding a virgin at Night Trips.
Anyway, despite all those problems and the whole pathetic fan base thing (which isn’t as big of a deal as people make it out to be), the University of Oklahoma will still hire a basketball coach. Here’s a list of 10 people who they either may hire (or at least consider).
This is the newest name being tossed around. If memory serves me correct, Robinson was an assistant under Roy Williams, coached for a season at Tulsa with players Tubby Smith recruited, then went to Florida State and failed miserably as their coach. He then went back to Kansas as an assistant under Roy Williams and then followed Roy to North Carolina.
The reason I went off memory for that blurb and didn’t look up any facts is because hiring Steve Robinson would be so depressing that I don’t want to even have to read about him. The guy did okay at a mid-major and then sucked at Florida State. Granted, that was almost 10 years ago, and granted, Florida State isn’t a good basketball school, but if you can’t win there, you have no right to be the head coach at Oklahoma.
You know what, if the best coach OU can hire is Steve Robinson, then they might as well just say “Fuck It” and bring back Top Dawg. Ever since they got rid of Top Dawg and brought in the Horse Pigs the basketball program has kind of struggled. Hell, maybe they should keep the identity of the new coach a secret and just make him wear the Top Dawg costume all the time. If they did that, OU fans (me included) would probably have a renewed interest in the program. Plus, it would be fun to watch Top Dawg spin his head around in a circle after a bad call goes against the Sooners.
Back in my fraternity days, I was once aquainted with a pledge who told everyone his summer job was working as a lifeguard at White Water. One of his buddies eventually let it slip that he did work at White Water, but he worked in one of the concession stands. It was a little lie that had no bearing on anything, really.
Then, a few months later, after the guy had moved into the house, I was the treasurer and asked him once why he was late in paying his house dues (rent, for the anti-Greek readers). He told me that there had been a delay in receiving his scholarship check. The explanation was reasonable until he explained that it was a football scholarship.
Obviously, this was a blatant lie, one that might have been accepted (reinforced by explaining that the reason he never went to practice or played any games being that he wrecked his knee after signing his letter of intent) by someone who, unlike me, was not an avid follower of the football team’s recruiting. Making it worse was that he could have simply left it at “scholarship” and I would have assumed it was an academic grant, his lie would have worked as he intended, and we both would have parted without me having a story to broadcast on this website.
Despite the similarities, this fraternity brother was not Norman Representative Aaron Stiles.
Well, today is the last day of the Sweet 16. After this, we’re moving on to the Elite 8. Here are the battle royales:
(1) Olivia Munn vs. (5) Cardboard Jim Traber
(2) Carrie Underwood vs. (3) Russell Westbrook
I think the Underwood / Westbrook match-up has the potential to be a classic. The other one, well, Cardboard Jim has surprised us before. We’ll see how he does.
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