Hands up and spread ‘em!
The hunkiest Hispanic law enforcement officer this side of Erik Estrada is back on the beat and ready to dispense justice with his rigid nightstick of Latin charisma. That’s right: Oklahoma City Police Captain Paco Balderrama is back in the Public Information Office, protecting and serving Metro citizens by delivering credible news reports to the media with a wicked gleam in his eye that just begs for a thorough cavity search. Aye, suavecito!
Oklahoma City Police promote PIO Capt. Nelson to Maj…now the PIO office is welcoming back (now) Captain Paco Balderrama
— Phil Cross (@philsnews) November 5, 2014
With his glistening biceps and triceps that threaten to break free of those tight grey polyester sleeves, like a cross between a mighty Aztec Warrior and an angry Bruce Banner, Balderrama has been welcomed back to Oklahoma City news screens throughout this past month with open arms; whether it be identifying suspects in a feisty weekend shootout or (I imagine) chopping wood shirtless in his rural cabin in the Arbuckles, he’s reinvigorated and reignited the public’s imagination as to what cologne his neck must smell like or what it’s like to be his best friend.
Surprisingly, Balderrama has managed to keep his personal life under wraps—and believe me, we’ve searched—with the last known public information on his romantic history being listed as a single, and, subsequently, auctioned off in a 2009 charity auction. Surely, he’s found someone to settle down and share that spicy chorizo with by now…but if not, I’m sure there’s plenty of grateful OKCityans willing to pony up for a chance to put the “P” in “PIO.”
But until then, here’s a mucho macho retrospective of Paco Balderrama in total acción –it’s your TLO
Hot Caliente Dude Monday.
10) Oklahoma/Texas Tech
“Sometimes when you win, you really lose, and sometimes when you lose, you really win, and sometimes when you win or lose, you actually tie, and sometimes when you tie, you actually win or lose. Winning or losing is all one organic mechanism, from which one extracts what one needs.” – Gloria Clemente, White Men Can’t Jump
When is a win still a loss? When is running up over 500 yards of offense in Lubbock and winning going away still wildly disappointing and head shaking?
How about when your offensive coordinator is stupid enough to put the balance of the game on the arm of your freshman quarterback in his first start against the worst run defense in FBS.
Thank God someone got into that fat idiot’s ear and told him he would be walking back to Norman if he called a single pass play in the second half. Well, that and Mike Stoops’ decision to forgo the umbrella shitshow of a zone and take a chance that the guys YOU RECRUITED can play man coverage.
After falling behind a TERRIBLE (bold, italic, all caps and underline for emphasis) Texas Tech team 21-7 early in the third, primarily due to a complete disregard to logic and historical data, Oklahoma ran the Red Raiders off the field the final 25 minutes, while simultaneously figuring out how to defend a true freshman quarterback, winning going away 41-30.
Samaje Perine showed he can carry the load for entire games, rushing for 213 yards on 25 carries, including several jaunts replete with laid out defenders and broken tackles. Oklahoma outscored Tech 35-3 after falling behind in the second half. I suppose the fact this team did not fold is a sign they have some level of mental makeup.
Cody Thomas was predictably inconsistent. He was horrible executing a mind-boggling pass happy offense in the first half, throwing three interceptions, one of which took points off the board in the red zone. The latter … I just don’t know what to say. Except with 10 seconds left in the 1st half, down by a score, with a new starting quarterback, deep in your own territory … you don’t call for a 25 yard pass play. We all know what nearly happened.
But after Heupel underwent his halftime lobotomy, Thomas looked relatively good running the zone read. Yeah, I understand Texas Tech couldn’t stop an elementary school fun run. But even against poor competition, Trevor Knight has struggled to effectively run the zone read. Thomas had no such issues. He ran for 103 yards on 8 carries, most of which came after halftime. And he has no fear. There was no sliding. No running out-of-bounds. He took on contact and it was quite the nice change from the quarterback running game in the history of Bob Stoops.
The defense started out the game as I expected: three and four man rushes, no real pressure, soft or combo zone, torched defense by a bad quarterback. Then Mike dialed up the pressure, brought five and six guys, left his corners and safeties on islands, and shut down Texas Tech for most of the second half.
There are some positives to take from this game (unlike one of those teams that played in Stillwater Saturday night), but the maddening complete lack of preparation and logical game planning on both sides of the ball did not change. The coordinators seem hell-bent on proving to the world that everyone else is wrong, and they are right. That running the ball 80% of the time with a badass offensive line and running backs, and a new starter at quarterback is dumb. That not pressuring a freshman quarterback to death is stupid.
I don’t understand. And I am not the only one.
9) Josh Heupel Should Be Fired
Happy Monday everyone, and boy do I sure hope you have enough milk and bread to get you through this minor snowmageddon. At the time of writing, I couldn’t find any school or business closure information for today, but I’m going to write this assuming that you found out you didn’t have to go into work today last night, and you’ve been drinking ever since. So here’s to a great Monday at home all warm in your PJs with mugs of coffee and Bailey’s.
You know, if this isn’t the case and you have to drive on crappy roads in bad traffic to get to work, this intro is really going to piss you off. That would just be adding insult to injury, really.
Well, either way, if you’re at home or at work, the tweets are after the jump.
When I was doing “research” for Knuckles’ amazing music video “Andyyyyy,” I hopped on Model Mayhem to see if I could locate the rump shakin’, white t-shirt wearin’, flea market shoppin’ hotties that he (hopefully) paid to twerk and dance around in horse shit.
Unfortunately, my quest came up empty, but as a sign that there is a God and that his son does in fact eat at the Lawton El Chico, I stumbled across totally real modeling profiles for women like this:
Yes, the Lawton modeling profiles on Model Mayhem may be the best thing ever. Check out more pictures of the “Lovely Ladies of Lawton” below, presented without comment. You may be surprised by what you see. They are our Hot Girl Friday.
It’s hard being Harold Hamm. All he wanted was to share his life we the one he loved; a sweet girl named Sue Ann. Like half of all American marriages, it didn’t work out. It happens, but being the adults they are, I’m sure they will come to a reasonable settlement and go their separate ways:
Whoa. Ok then. One billion dollars. Wow, I would like to think if I was in a divorce that involved that type of money, I would be happy walking away with $100 million. Or $1 million. Or a car that runs. But hey, it’s taken care of, it’s all good. I mean, it’s all good right?
Continental Resources Inc. CEO Harold Hamm’s ex-wife isn’t satisfied with nearly $1 billion. “NewsOK, Nov. 13, 2014″
I would cuss loudly here, or type in all caps, but since I’m currently searching for writing jobs I will politely say “oh my goodness!” Seriously, $1,000,000,000! You’re telling me 100,000,000,000 pennies is not enough money to survive on?
Obviously, the former Mr. and Mrs. Harold Hamm do not live in the same world as us. I’m currently trying to find a full-time job for a more consistent paycheck, because freelancing doesn’t always pay the bills, and someone isn’t satisfied with $1 billion? I don’t mean to come off attacking only Sue Ann, I’m sure Harold is a real winner, but…wow, I don’t know what to say other than…
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town on $20 a day.
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