On Sunday, the NewsOK.com “Digital Desk” posted a sad piece of Buzzfeed-inspired clickbait titled “5 Things Only Oklahomans Will Understand.” The post, which I think was written in about five minutes by a computer algorithm or dying dog, is part of the website’s new “5 Reasons Why Journalism Is Dying” web series.
Because the NewsOK.com editors were in a demented mood and/or wanted to get ahead of their monthly pageview quota, they plastered the oh-so-clickable headline on every section of their website. Just check out the most popular NewsOK.com stories of the week:
The article, like most things on the NewsOK.com Digital Desk, was sad, boring and sucked at your will to live. It lacked any real depth or insight, and was about as creative as a bologna sandwich. 5 Things Only Oklahomans Will Understand? What the fuck does that even mean? Let me guess. Crazy Weather, Sonic Ice and some forced, patronizing thing about Oklahomans being “Awesome.”
To save you from having to click, these are the five things they listed…
• Oklahoma Weather
• Large Versions of Things
• The Oklahoma Trinity: Churches, Banks and Sonic Drive Ins
• Russell Westbrook
• Being Awesome
That’s the five best things they could come up with? Where is teenage pregnancy, cutting education funding and rolling your eyes when you read The Oklahoman? Seriously, larger versions of things? I know we’re in the middle of a childhood obesity epidemic, but that’s a cheap shot. Banks? Yeah, Oklahomans are well-known for their love of banking. Churches? Who the Hell still eats at Churches? Grandy’s would have been a better choice.
In an effort to stay competitive with “the State’s Most Trusted News” and get some cheap pageviews of our own, I decided to pull a NewsOK.com Digital Desk and totally mail-in my own list of 5 things only Oklahomans will not understand.
As someone who made it from Daisy Scout all the way to Brownie Scout, I know a thing or two about the dangers of scouting. And by that I mean I know what it’s like to not meet your cookie sale quota. I also know what it’s like to quit an organization because you wanted to learn some camping skills but never did anything beyond standing outside a grocery store to sell Thin Mints to strangers. Even though your friends who were in the Boy Scouts got to earn a badge that required them jump into some freezing water, remove their pants and use them as a flotation device, you got a badge that looks like a carousel horse that shows you sold the bare minimum of over-priced Do-si-dos.
But whatever. I’m not bitter. I don’t even care. That was totally over twenty years ago and I’m over it. I’ve moved on. And I didn’t get an ounce of pleasure out of thinking that maybe a Girl Scout of the past created an explosive to express her dissatisfaction with the organization.
The state of Oklahoma is home to a variety of delicious jerkies, some of the are even made of beef. But which jerky is best? Which is the most flavorful? Which is the most authentic?
These are the red-hot questions that plague my mind, presumably because I’m a young white male and not oppressed in any way. And thus I’ve put aside time out of my apparent not-that-important daily schedule to seek out and taste the finest rawhide the Sooner state has to offer.
I admit I am an amateur as a jerky connoisseur. My primary interest in this endeavor motivated by the lack of authentic beef jerkies available in supermarkets and strange dreams about road trips. Thus, I decided to judge the various jerkies sampled according to the classical T.O.U.G.H. method, in which hard-cured meats are tasted and graded on a scale of one to five with consideration toward the following five categories:
Texture: Jerkies can range from tough, to hard, to tree bark, there are even tender, soft-textured jerkies—presumably for the elderly and small children.
Odor: The smell should be pleasing and overall complementary to flavor. Basically, it shouldn’t smell like a Love’s Bathroom.
Ubiety: Because I need a “U” for this acronym to work.
Grain: Indicates the amount of process the meat has been put through.
Heat: Achieving a balance in seasoning is key to a quality beef jerky.
With my grading and tasting system in place I went forth to carefully choose and sample some jerkies from the finest gas station and jerky emporium establishments in the metro area (seriously, thanks to The Beef Jerky Emporium). Between each tasting I cleansed my palate with a Miller High-Life, as the TOUGH method customarily dictates.
If your aunt is sad and nostalgic today, this probably explains why.
VZD’s, the one-time popular restaurant, bar and music venue on N. Western, has closed. Like a lot of one-time popular places before it, it was shutdown by the taxman.
Here’s a report from the Oklahoma Gazette about the news. It does a good job ignoring that VZD’s owner, Chad Bleakley, is the son of Gazette publisher Bill Bleakley, but I guess that technically doesn’t matter.
Last week, 2012 Worst of OKC “Douchebag of the Year” winner, Ryan Tate, stopped by the Fox Business program “The Willis Report” to talk about the midterm elections, and specifically how they will affect fledgling, poorly managed businesses that are run by nepotistic douchebags who ridicule, lecture, intimidate, and pray with employees before firing them.
Here’s the video:
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