Today, as many of you know, is my 29th birthday. It is a day where I shall party
like it’s 1999 like I’m 29, which is to say that I’ll go to work and come home and it will be an average day. I may get myself a little treat at lunch, but let’s not get too crazy. Ain’t nothing special about a birthday. Though, there was a time when birthdays were special days. It’s funny to think there was a time as children when birthdays meant everyone you knew brought you presents and it was all about you. Now, it totally means that you’re getting older and it becomes increasingly sadder when you are able to do a shot for every year you are old.
But think back to the time when birthdays were fun. Think back to the days when you’d fill out the party invitations you purchased in the stationery section of the local store, and pass them out at recess. Think back to the sweet presents all your classmates would bring. Now, realize that you can never have that again, because today I have for you, a list of 10 Oklahoma City places you can no longer have your birthday party. That’s right. I’m bringing you a list of all the places you used to go to celebrate, but are now closed forever.
It’s been a really weird news week for Oklahoma’s armpit.
First came this story where some lady attacked a couple of men with beer cans and silverware because they wouldn’t give her a free ride to a casino. I’ll tell you, it’s kind of sad what lengths people will go to just to lose money, drink free soda and smell like cigarettes and sadness. We should hook her up with that mad Uber driver.
That report was followed by this amazing gem that’s going national. Kristi Rines, pictured above, the wife of Jesus Christ, was arrested when she wasn’t able to pay her tab at the Lawton El Chico. Apparently, she and her husband were saving up money for some cosmetic dentistry. There are plenty of things Jesus can do on his own, but whitening teeth isn’t one of them.
James Lankford isn’t even a U.S. Senator yet and he’s already embarrassing his home state.
In what has to be the worst accidental product endorsement for a business of all time, we’ve learned through the Ogle Mole Network that Oklahoma’s next Senator, James Lankford, apparently gets his hair cut at Sport Clips. Yes, good old Sport Clips. The place where guys who suck at life win.
Here’s some photo evidence of his visit:
The Josh Cockroft plagiarism scandal – sure, we’ll be all legitimate and call it a scandal – is the gift that keeps on giving.
If you remember correctly, we told you a few weeks ago that State Rep Josh Cockroft plagiarized portions of a Heritage Foundation abstract for a blog post on his website. The following week, we learned that Cock’s local newspaper – The Tecumseh Times – republished the same blog post as a newspaper op-ed.
Here’s our write-up about fiasco. It included a few lazy zingers aimed towards the newspaper:
Last Thursday, we told you that arts-hating, Batman suit-wearing, Derplahoman State Representative Josh Cockroft blatantly plagiarized excerpts of a 2013 Heritage Foundation article for an anti-gay marriage blog post that he wrote for his website.
Thanks to the Ogle Mole Network, we’ve now learned the same piece was also published in the print edition of the Tecumseh Countywide News, which is apparently Pottawatomie County’s leading source of plagiarized news and opinion…
After seeing [the column], I played the role of legitimate journalist and called the Tecumseh Countywide News for comment. Here’s what a spokesperson said:
“We are aware of it and we’re working with Representative Cockroft on the issue.”
The person on the phone wouldn’t elaborate any further, so we don’t know what type of work they’re going to do with Cockroft. Maybe they’ll help him uncover more obscure abstracts and columns to plagiarize, or perhaps get a Tate Publishing ghostwriter from the Philippine’s to handle his future writing duties. Better yet, they could also go with one of those clickbait content farms that are all over the web. If Cockroft’s next blog post is about the “8 Most Dangerous Towns In HD27″ or a round-up of “12 Cat GIFS That Will Make You Want To Eliminate Public Arts Funding,” you’ll know something is up.
Okay, that’s not too bad. I made a few digs at the newspaper and then closed it with an absurdist idea where we have Josh Cockroft hire Ryan Tate to ghostwrite his future plagiarized blog posts and newspaper columns. It could have been meaner, right? Just ask Ryan Tate, who is currently writing a new book about blowing goats at the Lake Hefner Canal.
In response to our blog post, the Tecumseh Times editor / publisher Wayne Trotter (this sweet little old man) published an editorial in this week’s paper praising us for our investigative journalism skills.
Via the Tecumseh Times:
Before we get too far into this editorial, we want to thank the website which calls itself The Lost Ogle for finding and revealing the remarkable similarities between a column written by Rep. Josh Cockroft and an article previously authored by Ryan T. Anderson of the Heritage Foundation, a conservative think tank. We published the Cockroft version of that opinion piece and we probably wouldn’t have known about this situation if The Lost Ogle hadn’t gotten on the case. We needed to know and we appreciate the website’s good work in uncovering and reporting on just how much alike those two columns are.
Why thank you, man who calls himself Wayne Trotter! We appreciate the kind, extremely gentle words. Hopefully our little shots at your paper didn’t ruffle any feathers. There’s no possible way you could have known Cockroft was that big of a weasel.
As a result of what The Lost Ogle reported, Gloria Trotter, co-publisher of The Countywide & Sun, contacted Rep. Cockroft and was given an explanation that appears elsewhere on this page. It is up to each individual reader to decide whether his explanation is acceptable. Our position is simply that we want work that appears under any writer’s name in our columns to be original. Period. That’s the way it always has been and as long as we’re running this newspaper, that’s the way it always will be. We’re confident people around here know that.
Yes, it’s “up to each individual reader to decide” if Cockroft’s inconceivable excuse is legitimate or not. Translation: The Tecumseh Times knows Cockroft is a liar, too! That’s hysterical, but I understand why they can’t just come out and say it.
Anyway, take a look at what other nice things Mr. Trotter and the Tecumseh Times has to say about us…
Now that OU sucks at football again, I guess it’s time to turn our attention to another depressing thing at the University of Oklahoma: The state of the marching band.
Around this time last year, members of The Pride of Oklahoma grumbled and complained about the direction and leadership of the program under new band director Justin Stolarik. Things got so heated and awful that the band released a set of demands to David Boren and the tuba players threatened to strike (and / or switch to mellophone). Hell, I even compared Stolarik to Howard Schnellenberger and suggested he resign. That’s how bad things were.
Much like the Pride’s halftime marching performances, all the drama and demands apparently fell on deaf ears. David Boren wasn’t going to let a bunch of virgins, Doctor Who fans and every good boy who does fine tell him how to lead his university. Stolarik was his guy and he was sticking with him.
Well, the controversy is now heating up again like a flute at band camp. Last week, alumni band leaders pooled together some cash they earned through teaching private lessons and advertised an open letter to David Boren in The Oklahoman, Tulsa World and Norman Transcript. I guess they forgot to email us for ad rates. Silly band nerds. They were probably too busy wetting their reeds or something.
Anyway, the alumni band complained about the direction of the program and the University’s totalitarian way of keeping things quiet.
Via the Tulsa World:
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