Earlier this week, I stumbled across this weird little thing on the Oklahoma Reddit page. Imagine that. Something weird on Reddit. That’s like walking into a Chelino’s and finding beans.
I guess some dude from Canada created and photographed Lego scenes for the 50 states. This is what he came up with for Oklahoma:
Yep, a cow driving a car with a chimney in the back seat. Hey, at least it’s not someone trying to make meth in a port-a-potty. Here’s how the artist Jeff Friesen described the work:
Home to famous cattle drives. Tailgate their methane-powered rides at your own peril.
Oh, the cow is powering the car… through flatulence? Obviously this dude doesn’t know a lot about Oklahoma, because the cow would probably use pure, clean, abundant natural gas instead. It emits methane, too. Also, the car would have a Chesapeake logo on it.
That being said, with Oklahoma apparently being the second worst state to live in, I was expecting something a little meaner. I wonder what the guy came up for our “Worst State” rivals in Tennessee:
It has been an exciting week here at the Lost Ogle complex. You might have read earlier this week that we “survived a distributed denial of service attack (DDoS).” Except we didn’t. Since I am the Ogle mole INSIDE the Lost Ogle, I will give you the real story. Sorry, it’s not as exciting as the cover-up.
Basically, we got hit with the Millennium Bug, also known as Y2K. Yes, I know it’s 2014. This reflects on TLO as a whole, not only our equipment. Stay with me for a moment.
As you have read in this and past stories, I refer to our headquarters as “The Lost Ogle compound” or “complex.” Looks are everything now days, even in descriptions. We use these phrases to sound more important. Not everyone has a “dark tower,” a Devon Tower or Golden Dome to wear with pride. It is a “fake it till you make it” attitude.
The problem is we never made it. Our complex is nothing more than a sheet metal contraption behind the Hungry Frog Restaurant on 10th Street. We pay them for electricity that we pump in through a duct-taped orange extension cord. The one advantage of this building is after heavy winds we get to rebuild it into any shape we want.
By now you probably guessed we don’t use the best equipment. Our setup is three Commodore 64 computers rigged to use 28.8k dial-up Internet. We hoard “1000 Hours Free” America Online discs and use them with a weirdly converted disc drive. We were upgrading to Commodore 128’s, but Patrick lost all our funds through last year’s Bitcoin crash. He said “I’m not a hosting / server / IT guy,” he also isn’t a Warren Buffet.
So last Friday right before I stamped my timecard to clock out, yes we have one of those, we were alerted that something is wrong with the site. Our “alarm” is when our Commodores begin to make that “bad sound.” Well, with our terrible equipment and sloth-speed Internet, Y2K finally reached us and ripped us a new one.
We decided to create a PR front that was less embarrassing than the actual story. Since our machines were fried, we visited the library to use Wikipedia. We found this DDoS thing and ran with it. For now are borrowing a PC with Windows 95 from a friend. We are really enjoying the pinball games and Weezer’s “Buddy Holly” video that comes with this operating system. We hope to upgrade to this soon.
So why did I blow the whistle on the cover-up? Since I was the last person to touch the Commodores before this went down, Patrick’s taking it out of my paycheck. With my current budget, I can’t afford to lose $17.45. This is my rebellion.
Here is your Friday Night in the Big Town.
The lady pictured above is Shawnee resident Toni Jones, or as she should probably be known from here on out, “Sweet Shawnee Brown.”
On Monday, some asshole attempted to carjack Toni at a Shawnee Homeland. That wasn’t a good idea. Toni, a certified badass and person I’d like to take to Medieval Times, fought back with the help of her sister and a good Samaritan. Before the carjacker could say “Methamphetamine,” he found himself locked in handcuffs and placed under “citizen’s arrest.”
Banking on a “Local Woman Fends Off Attacker In Homeland Parking Lot” story to lead off their 10pm newscast, all four local Oklahoma City news channels rushed to Shawnee to get Jones’ first person account of the ordeal. It’s pretty amazing.
I posted all four local news reports after the jump. For fun, I decided to rank them based upon how many Red Bull and vodkas and / or painkillers Toni may have consumed before each interview. Check them out:
The Ice Bucket Challenge is a thing. If you have no clue what it is, don’t feel too bad because that means you don’t watch the Today Show or stop by KFOR.com late at night in search of blog material.
So, what is the Ice Bucket Challenge? If you’re down for a good laugh, KFOR Social Media Bandit Bailey Woodrum took a break from rewriting adorable articles you’d never believe on Viral Nova to explain it:
The “Ice Bucket Challenge,” have you heard of it yet?
It seems like everyone is going it these days.
Even professional golfers like Rickie Fowler are doing it!
All are pouring buckets of ice water on themselves while challenging other people to do the same thing.
Here’s the catch; accept the challenge, or donate to charity.
NewsChannel 4′s Meg Alexander accepted the challenge.
I have a serious question. Is Jenni Carlson writing columns for KFOR.com under the pseudonym Bailey Woodrum? It would make sense. We have one sentence paragraphs, random references to Oklahoma State golfers and the awkward use of a semi-colon and exclamation point. I sure hope it’s her. Revealing that Jenni Carlson doubles as the KFOR Social Media Bandit would be the greatest scoop in TLO history!
As Jenni…errr…. Bailey told us, Meg Alexander took the Ice Bucket Challenge. Now she knows how we all felt when we listened to her sing the national anthem. ZING!!!
Here’s the video:
The secret is out.
Earlier this week, CNBC.com released a content farm clickbait slide show that ranked “America’s 10 worst states to live in.” Securing the second spot was the land of red dirt and earthquakes and tornadoes and teen pregnancy and Janet Barresi.
The Sooner State gets its nickname from the 19th-century settlers who raced there to stake their claims. If the Land Rush were happening today, they might not be in as much of a hurry. Oklahoma ranks among the worst states in the nation for crime, health and air quality
I have a hard time taking a writer who’s probably from India too seriously when they call a “land run” a “land rush,” but whatever, that’s fine. The blurb was kind of clever and a decent dig. Now please wow us with statistics that back up your opinion that Oklahoma is the second worst state to live in:
2014 Quality of Life score: 70 points (out of 300)
Weaknesses: Health, crime, air quality, local attractions
Strength: Only 16th worst for toxic chemical releases
2013 Quality of Life rank: 45
2014 Top States overall rank: 28
That’s all you got? Health, crime, air quality and local attractions? Whatever. I can give you the first three, but have you never been to the Museum of Osteology?! What about the Cowboy Hall of Fame or whatever it’s called now? And just wait until that Native American Cultural Center is completed in 2035. We’ll have to change the name of Oklahoma to Local Attraction USA!
Of course, the real question here is what state actually finished ahead of us. It has to be Mississippi, right? Let’s see who it is:
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