It’s that time of year, you guys. The sun is out, people are wearing flip-flops, and you have to start mowing your lawn again. That’s right. It’s spring. But more importantly, it’s spring break–that magical time of year when school is out for a whole week, and you sit on your couch binge watching Netflix while the sun shines outside. Man, is there a better time of year?
Because I’ve been described as a sun worshipper (if you happen to run a Mithraic sun cult in the metro, please let me know the times of your gatherings), I live for sunny days and being outside. And the Oklahoma spring time is a thing of beauty, you know, when it isn’t trying to kill you. So, for those of you who are out of school this week, or for those that want to celebrate the return of the sun, I have a list of things that you can do over spring break right here in Oklahoma!
1. Take allergy medicine.
Along with the sun, we also have the return of the Bradford pears and cottonwoods. It’s the worst time of year. Trust me, if I could firebomb all the trees in the state simply to get rid of these assholes that make me spend so much on allergy medicine, I totally would.
Hi everyone! After some great matchups yesterday, we move on to the Midwest Region. That’s right, the Midwest Region is going up… on a Tuesday. Sorry. Anyway, the rest of this region will go live later this morning, but for now, make a bowl of Jack White’s guacamole and be sure to vote on this half of the bracket. The match-ups are:
(1) Kevin Durant vs (16) KFOR Social Media Bandit
(8) Street Outlaws vs (9) Lawton Rappers
(4) Sir John Michael vs (13) The Judicial Branch
(5) Jack White’s Guacamole vs (12) Hipster Food Foragers
If you’ve been reading this site over the years, you’re probably aware that we like to write about and parody diabolical Facebook weatherman Aaron Tuttle (pictured above with a bunch of drag queens). The guy makes it pretty easy for us. He’s like the Regular Jim Traber of weathermen. He’s moody, narcissistic, egotistical, right-wing, and best of all, a public figure who likes to post pics like this on Facebook:
Question? Can someone with mad web skills add that photo to the Wikipedia entry on douche bags? I can’t think of a better pic.
In addition to the endearing traits we listed above, Aaron – or as he calls himself when masturbating in front of a mirror, “AT” – lacks a sense of humor and basic knowledge of copyright laws. We know this because last week he filed a DMCA takedown request to our hosting provider. He claimed we were infringing on his copyrights by posting photos like the one above. You know, the ones where he dressed up like a spray tan model for Halloween, posted crying selfies, and auditioned to be a short-shorts model.
Here’s a snippet of his complaint that was copied and pasted from a generic legal website, which ironically enough, can probably be considered some sort of copyright violation:
Okay, now it’s time to vote for the rest of the Northeast Region. Have you already voted for the upper half of the bracket? If not, click here and go do it!
This part of the bracket features three of Oklahoma’s most nauseating politicians. Here are the match-ups:
(6) Marijuana vs (11) Josh Cockroft
(3) The Ogle Brothers vs (14) The Oklahoma Furries
(7) The Blue House vs (10) James Lankford
(2) Gary England vs (15) Sally Kern
Not to let the committee try to influence the voting, but I know you’ll do the right thing, Oklahoma.
Last week was not a good week for Oklahoma. It makes me sad when our state is put under the spotlight for the stupid actions of our citizens, college students, State Reps, State Senators, Congressmen, and/or U.S. Senators. People love to bitch about all the stuff that is wrong with Oklahoma. Is Oklahoma perfect? Absolutely not. But it’s not as bad as everyone on Facebook makes it seem, otherwise most of us would move.
I would like to help cleanse the palette and talk about some of the things that are good for Oklahoma. Things we enjoy. Things like…
The Thunder are awesome… when they’re healthy. The Sooners have Seven Mythical National Championships in football. The Cowboys still have T. Boone Pickens’ credit card and are sometimes good at sports. And Tulsa…well, it’s still there. (Can someone double-check to make sure?) Sports bring people together. They also bring in a lot of money, unless you’re a player in the NCAA. In that case, enjoy the free head trauma! If you want to enjoy sports, become a casual fan. If you take it too seriously you’ll get into debates on message boards. Don’t be that person. They are bad for Oklahoma.
Oklahoma has a lot of great food, and everyone, regardless of gender, race or sexual preference, has to eat! Food is something we can all get behind… and then die of obesity. Shit… sorry, I’m trying to stay positive. Enjoy the great foods we have in Oklahoma, but don’t die of obesity.
3.) Cost of Living!
Another great thing about Oklahoma is the low cost of living. You can buy a nice house and still have some money leftover to spend on food and sports. Unless you don’t get paid very much and have student loans. In that case, enjoy the crippling debt and Netflix instead of cable!
Damn, I did it again. OK, start your own oil company and become a billionaire, that would be good for you AND Oklahoma!
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