So, it seems that everyone is on that Oklahoma lovin’ bandwagon these days. And sure, Oklahoma has come a long way since back in the day before we had an NBA team. We’ve got all sorts of cool things that we never had before, like hip kids in t-shirts with Oklahomas on them. That’s a pretty big deal, I guess.
But not all is well in the state of Oklahoma. There are a few things that we have let go on for too long. And for that, we need to really think about what want the rest of the country to think of when they think of us. It may just be time that we apologize for some of the things that we’ve brought upon the country. And with that, I give you 10 things Oklahoma should apologize for.
1. Parking meter
I guess if you’re the sort of evildoer who likes to profit from parking spaces, then the parking meter is a great invention. For the rest of us, though, it’s really a terrible creation that ruins our lives by causing us to get tickets because we aren’t quick enough to throw more dollars in the meter. These things, while they were conceived in Oklahoma, have spread all over the world and for that, we really should give everyone a big ol’ we’re sorry card.
2. Poisonous spiders
Sure, you can find poisonous spiders anywhere. But there isn’t a single person reading this that doesn’t currently have a black widow somewhere inside their home. You may think you’ve sprayed enough, or that your squash-to-kill policy when it comes to spiders is enough to keep you safe. It’s not. They are everywhere, especially after all this rain. So just think about that, as your toes graze the baseboard of your kitchen cabinets tonight while you’re making dinner. And because we don’t give out-of-towners enough warning about our creepy spider problem, we really should apologize.
3. Toby Keith
Seriously, if the man isn’t falling down drunk while he’s singing stupid songs, he’s writing xenophobic love ballads to jingoism. America, we’re sorry about him.
Here’s some irony for you.
After receiving backlash from Facebook commenters, the local media, the national media, government agencies, non-profits, and even local Republican leaders, State GOP Chairman Randy Brogdon apologized today like a clueless dad caught feeding raccoons by a park ranger at Yellowstone for his insensitive Facebook post about food stamp recipients.
Okay, that’s technically not irony, but let’s go with it:
Ahhh, the classic non-apology apology! Those are my favorite.
I think the best part, outside of a 1968 quote by liberal Ronald Reagan, is the second paragraph:
“This post was supposed to be an analogy that compared two situations illustrating the cycle of government dependency in America, not humans as animals.”
Oh, so that’s what it was supposed to be. You know, we do technically have a name for those things. They’re called false analogies. They are the things imbeciles come up when trying to prove a point. For example, Randy Brogdon eats his words like a dog eats shit. Wait? Is that a false analogy? It seems kind of spot on if you ask me.
In addition to Randy Brogdon’s apology, Mary Fallin released the following statement:
So a woman pulled a knife on a group of teenagers at an Oklahoma Taco Bell. Because of course.
Here’s the story: Amber Henson was mad that Taco Bell’s WiFi wasn’t working. She then got mad that some teenagers were blocking the soda fountain. She then wasted a soda on one of them. She then pulled a knife on them in the parking lot. Basically.
Upon reading this one would think the woman was evil, but not me. Not Dante Jordan. Not the kid. Nah, I know that there are two sides to every story, and I think I have an idea of what her side might be. Hear me out:
In case you missed it, Carrie Underwood, American Idol winner and probably the winner of the show’s official miss congeniality prize, locked her dogs and baby in the car on Saturday. I know what you’re thinking. If we’re to believe the articles that people post on Facebook with furious captions, this sort of action can only be done by sentient pile of Satan-worshiping garbage. But Carrie Underwood is a sweet angel who would never do anything wrong, right?
Well, let’s see. According to KFOR.com:
Yesterday afternoon, the state GOP decided to go all Alanis Morissette on everyone and share a fun lesson in irony with their 30,000 Facebook fans. At least that’s what they are calling it…
Ha ha ha! That’s funny because poor people are lazy and would rather get free food from the government than enjoy the perks of having a nice job and steady income! Republican humor. Hysterical!
Actually, is this some form of self-deprecating humor? The real irony here is that we have the pro-life political party of high morals and Christian values comparing children, the elderly, the disabled and other lazy moochers of the government to bears, coyotes and squirrels at national parks. Would Jesus Christ, Son of God, do something like that?
“Jesus! Jesus! Due to complex life issues, a poor education and other circumstances, many of which are beyond my control, I can barely afford to feed my family. Can you give me some bread to get by while my wife looks for work?”
“Sorry, Jebediah. I can’t give you any food or you’ll become dependant on it and lose all desire and motivation to work.”
“Actually, Jesus. Stats and figures prove that’s a myth. According to the…”
“No, Jebediah. You know where I stand on this. I only support welfare for big businesses. I don’t give people food, and I don’t feed animals at national parks. Well, except those prairie dogs. They’re just so cute.”
Since the asshats in the GOP dropped this “lesson” on Facebook last night, it’s ignited the typical outrage from people who have traits such as common sense and compassion. Several people have emailed and messaged us asking who came up with the lesson. Was it Randy “Stand By A Wife Beater” Brogdon? Did the GOP hire the KFOR Social Media Bandit from Channel 4?
Here’s a clue…
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