The defeated crybaby pictured above is Oklahoma State Senator Bryce Marlatt. He’s a big wig in the state senate and a member of several important committees, including “Appropriations,” “Energy” and “People in Desperate Need of Visine.”
The reason Marlatt looks like a teenage girl who just watched The Fault in Our Stars is because a Woodward police officer found him sleeping in his car at an intersection. According to reports, Marlatt may have had what you would call a bourbon and Coke… or two.
A Republican senator was arrested in the early morning hours Tuesday morning on a DUI-related charge.
Sen. Bryce Marlatt was arrested for actual physical control, commonly known as APC. DUI is different from APC in that it requires that the vehicle is actually moving.
Marlatt was asleep in the vehicle and smelled heavily of alcohol, according to the arrest report. Police say the first comprehensible thing the man said when asked how much he had to drink tonight was, “No more than anybody else.”
When asked how many beers he had, Marlatt said, “None. I had what you would call a bourbon and Coke,” police say.
I don’t know why – maybe it’s because I can hear some drunk dude from Western Oklahoma saying something like that – but that line cracks me up. Remember when Bill Cosby had that show “Kids Say the Darndest Things?” Well, he should probably start a new show called “Intoxicated People Say The Darndest Things.” Actually, never mind, that’s probably a bad idea.
Here’s what Marlatt’s attorney had to say about the incident:
“Mr. Marlatt was on his way home from work late Monday night. He had recently suffered from sleeping problems and had taken a prescription sleep aid prior to leaving his office. He had a mixed drink earlier in the evening. While driving home, he became concerned about the effects of the sleep aid and immediately stopped the vehicle on a county road and fell asleep.”
Umm, are you trying to make your client look like a bigger asshole? He had what you would call a bourbon and Coke, which was no more than anyone else, and then as a sober human being thought it would be a good idea to pop a couple of sleeping pills before leaving the office and driving home? Is he a morbid thrill seeker or something? Did he cut his brake lines, disable his airbags and play a game of Russian Roulette while he was at it?
I did some research to see if Marlatt, like most hypocritical Oklahoma legislators, has authored any crazy, overreaching bills regarding drugs or alcohol. Check out this press release Marlatt issued a couple of years ago:
If you are a regular reader of TLO, then you know certain writers have had a little fun at the Gazette’s expense. I think it’s because those certain writers are jealous, envious, whiny, sad little men who can’t handle or deal with the accomplishments of friends and colleagues, but what do I know. Sure, the Gazette put a Wayne Coyne mask on the cover last month, but let’s not forget that Wayne Coyne is a famous… singer? Rock star? Drug user? Whatever, people know who he is and the few times I’ve met him he’s always been nice. But let’s not forget that the Gazette, aside from all the massage ads, is a cool weekly newspaper and we are lucky to have it.
Since other writers here at TLO headquarters have poked fun at my favorite weekly paper, I’d like to give you 5 reasons the Gazette is the best newspaper in Oklahoma:
The guy pictured above is Charlie Meadows. When he’s not pursuing his lifelong dream of being a Santa at Dollar General, he’s a Derplahoman propagandist and the leader of some group called the Oklahoma Conservative Political Action Committee.
He’s also a racist.
A protest is being planned outside the weekly Oklahoma Conservative Political Action Committee meeting over an article their president wrote.
The title of the article is “Why blacks hate cops & how blacks can be winners, not losers!“
It was written by OCPAC president, Charlie Meadows, and was meant to address the situation in Ferguson.
Many were outraged when they received the article in the organizations weekly e-mail.
“I’m on Charlie’s newsletter, e-mail list and it came out and I looked at it and I thought wow, this looks bad,” said Sooner Tea Party leader, Al Gerhart.
Gerhart says they immediately responded to the article with an e-mail of their own.
“We slammed him,” said Gerhart. “We called him Mastah Charlie and again playing upon the old racist stereotypes in reverse to make him, shock him, this is what you’re looking like Charlie, this is crazy.”
So, want to know an easy way to tell when you’re a bat shit crazy racist? How about when the leader of the Sooner Tea Party thinks you’re a bat shit crazy racist? Want an even easier way? How about when Steve Kern, a man whose wife has gone on record to say that all black people are lazy and don’t like school, agrees with everything you just wrote:
The pastor of Olivet Baptist Church, Steve Kern, says he agrees with everything that Meadows had to say in the article and has no problem with sponsoring the group’s weekly meetings.
The entire article / manifesto / should we give this asshat some publicity is located below. Once again, it’s titled “Why Blacks Hate Cops & How Blacks Can Be Winners, Not Losers.” It’s something you’ll definitely want to send to all your loser black friends, right?
WHY BLACKS HATE COPS & HOW BLACKS CAN BE WINNERS, NOT LOSERS!
I have wanted to write this piece since trouble began to boil in Ferguson, but just couldn’t do so until now. First, I must state, NOT all black folks hate cops and MANY black people are already winners, they are not losers. This commentary is about that large number of black folks that do hate cops and are losers.
I will surely be called a “racist” and a “bigot” by some for even writing a word about the whole situation. But…
Actually, you can write thoughtful commentary about the complex situation in Ferguson and how it relates to race without being labeled a racist. Plenty of people have done it. What makes you a racist is making sweeping racist generalizations and writing the ignorant statement that most black people hate cops and are losers.
The secret is out.
Yesterday, it was leaked that the new owners of the Oklahoma City RedHawks have no clue, and don’t enjoy making easy, simple, smart decisions or catering to nostalgic assholes over the age of 30 that have fond memories of getting tackled and dog piled while chasing a foul ball on a hill.
According to various media reports, the team is changing its name from the RedHawks to the Dodgers. Yes, the Dodgers. Not the 89ers. The Dodgers… as in the Los Angeles baseball team that literally nobody in Oklahoma outside of Matt Kemp’s family cares about. WTF?
One of those clichés you hear about death is that you can’t take it with you. It being a vague pronoun reference, and also all the things you own. I heard a popular country song matter-of-factly state that they don’t make hearses with trailer hitches, as if to reinforce this point. Dead men tell no tales, nor do they possess a system of ownership. Just so we’re clear.
But here’s the thing about death. Even when you’re gone, that doesn’t mean that your loved ones will possess the same flippant attitude toward possessions. In fact, it’s highly likely that they’ll be fighting over your estate for a long time after your body is cold. But what you don’t expect is that they will probably have to fight some druggies to keep the flowers on your grave.
According to KFOR.com:
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