Old Yeller, aka Diane Sue Whalen, pleaded no contest Friday in the dog-sex case. Maybe she couldn’t admit guilt because in her mind no one understands love on all fours.
Whalen received a five-year suspended sentence and no jail time. She’s now a convicted felon and is required to register as a sex offender. She might also be registered at Petco, but that’s a different list.
The judge also ordered that Whalen have no custody of animals and she must seek counseling. There are a few orders the judge forgot:
1. Whalen’s picture must be posted at PetSmart in the sex offenders section of the adoption board.
2. The Dr. Phil of dogs, Cesar Millan, will retrain Whalen and integrate her back into the family.
3. Parental block on Animal Planet. Whalen could see this as porn.
4. Whalen cannot call herself Loving Mama, Nibbles or Doggie Dish.
5. No vibrating dog toys.
6. The neighbor’s litter pan must be enclosed and the opening too small for a human head. No snacks.
7. Whalen’s carpet removed to lose the wet dog smell.
8. The toilet seat electronically connected to an ankle bracelet to ensure the water isn’t used as a cool refreshing beverage.
9. Whalen’s son provided with a lifetime supply of Jim Beam and roofies to help him forget the image of his mother, Lucky and Buddy.
10. “My name is Diane Sue Whalen and I approve this message,” must be added to all of Jim Inhofe’s political commercials.
(For more list fun, check out 10 Warning Signs Your Neighborhood is in Decline. And as always, Mattatarian’s Food Offering of the Week [Apple Turnover Edition.])
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