In the never ending hot-babes arms race among car dealerships in Tulsa, enters the newest weapon “¦ Cash.
I’m not sure if Cash is her name, but when the Riverside Nissan commercial comes on, I hear “Hi, this is Cash blah blah blah blah.” She’s looks, talks and smells (don’t ask) just like Kristen Glover. If it weren’t for the lack of a creepy father standing next to her, I would think she is Kristen Glover.
Jim Glover Chevrolet and Riverside Nissan are neighbors. What these neighbors don’t know is that they’re at war. I can hear the commercials now, mainly because I forgot my medication:
Hi, this is Kristen Glover for Jim Glover Chevrolet. April is Stab-a-Ho month. For every ho you stab that thinks they can move into my turf, I’ll knock $1,000 off any 2009 Chevy Cobalt. It’s cash for Cash at Tulsa’s number one Chevy leader.
As the commercial closes, Kristen will make a throat slash gesture. Cash will refuse to be bullied by Glover. In response, she’ll broadcast this commercial:
Hi, this is Cash from Riverside Nissan. You won’t believe this. Nissan Sentras starting at $9,995. Perfect for running over bleached blond trolls whose only talent in life is riding horses and being a pimped-out daughter. Come down and check us out. I-44 and Memorial where Cash’ll do It.
The final battle will pit Kristen against Cash in Jell-o/Pillow fight. Who will win? Neither. Violence is never the solution
Steroids, now that’s a solution.
P.S. Last week’s steroid bust made me question Tulsa’s most masculine leader. Here are 10 Warning Signs Kathy Taylor Might be a Man.
Tulsa teenage boys with pent-up sexual frustration have lost their biggest self-service pumping material. Kristen Glover is engaged. This shocked me because I thought Kristen was Jim’s trophy wife, a radically younger Paulette (1-800-2SellHomes).
Her fiancÃ©, damn him, is Wesley William Galyean of Ardmore. He rides horses or something. I rode a horse once and saw no one that resembled Kristen Glover, but plenty of female truck drivers.
I sense an arranged marriage because it would take a special man to win the heart of Jim Glover. Based on information I’ve made up from sources that don’t exist, the special man that would have to endure:
10. Holiday Family Showers.
9. Potato Sack Races.
8. Saturday Night Reenactments of Annie.
7. Rainbows and Unicorns.
6. Holding a frightened Kristen after Jim reads Where The Wild Things Are to her in bed.
5. Father-Daughter Duet Karaoke Night.
4. DNA tests on Maury Povich.
3. Coloring with Kristen.
2. Hannah Montana: The Movie.
1. Hearing “My dad would do it!” during every argument.
I could throw in a lingerie or naked twister joked to make Patrick giggle, but I don’t want to risk creating humor.
U.S. automakers want $25 billion dollars of tax money to blow through in three months. Twenty-five billion is huge; especially since the government doesn’t really have it to give. I’m not a fan of the $700 billion bailout, but I understand why it was done. I fully advocate a GM and Ford bailout.
I’m not concerned about the millions of people that could lose jobs, I’m only concerned about two: Kristen Glover and Gibson Diffee.
Glover sells Chevrolet. Well technically, other people sell the cars, but she’s the caked-on face of Jim Glover Chevrolet. If GM fails, I could possibly no longer hear those three words, “Dad’ll do it.” Without that phrase, I’ll have to find another excuse to blast my eardrums with a carwash pressure hose. I need to direct my anger toward something.
It’s not fair for her to learn a real trade and work. Her days should be spent riding horses and talking about how much she admires her dad’s ability to do things.
What about the adorable and annoying Diffee children? If Diffee Ford closed, there could be disastrous results. Without this bailout, we’re taking away their right to become conceited egotistical narcissist teenagers. These two could be future OU basketball players that frolic in pink.
Our automakers cannot be allowed to fail. If parents cannot pimp their children out to sell cars and become attention whores, then the terrorists have won.
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