Today is the last installment of our special countdown of the “50 Most Powerful Oklahomans.” We would like to thank all the powerful people who made the list for not yet suing us, and we’d also like to thank the people who helped us compile the rankings. You all know who you are.
Anyway, the top 5 are located after the jump. To view the rest of the series, click the links below.
And no, that’s not a young Steve Lackmeyer in the YouTube video above. It’s a vintage 1990’s Trapper Keeper commercial.
5. Bob Stoops, OU Football Head Coach
Let’s pretend that Barack Obama decided to take up Keith Gaddie on his recent invitation and came to Oklahoma City to catch a Thunder game. Let’s say that on the same day Bob Stoops resigned to take the head coaching job with the Dallas Cowboys. Which would be the bigger story? The President of the United States visiting our state, or a football coach leaving for a bigger one? If you guessed football coach, you guessed right.
And I’m on record saying that there’s nothing wrong with that.
4. Brad Henry, Governor
Honestly, I’m not sure that Brad Henry deserves to be this high. But he is our Governor, and I guess Governors are pretty powerful. That being said, he has to be the most least intimidating Governor in our state’s history. I bet when he attends the big Governor’s meetings in D.C. that all the other Governors give him wet willies in the bathroom. I also bet when he’s walking down a hallway at the Capital that Glenn Coffee tries to bump shoulders with him.
3. Christy Gaylord Everest, Editor-in-Chief of the Oklahoman
Seriously, this lady is so powerful that even I’m scared to make fun of her. She could snap her fingers and have this little website destroyed by tomorrow morning if she wanted to. Or she could just buy the site for $500,000. That’s what I would recommend.
Since we really don’t want any of that to happen*, I am actually going to do Ms. Everest a favor in hopes that she’ll be nice to us. The favor is releasing the name of the Ogle mole inside The Dark Tower who shares with us the dirty little secrets of OPUBCO, The Oklahoman, and Viva! Oklahoma. Her name is:
Yep. Jenni is the Ogle mole. She should probably be fired immediately. Additionally, Dave Morris is probably the guy who sent us the blog traffic information and I am really Mr. Monday.**
* We really don’t want the site to be destroyed, but we would sell out for $500,000.
** I am not Mr. Monday. I am a much better writer.
2. Jesus Christ, Son of God
According to most people, there is a little bit of Jesus Christ, his dad, or some holy spirit inside all of us. That little bit of Jesus is pretty powerful when you add it all up, especially in a place like Oklahoma where Jesus is so popular. Depending on your point of view, that can be a good or bad thing.
One of the good things about Jesus being so popular it is that we have a lot of churches. That means we have a lot of church basketball leagues. Church basketball leagues prevent about 500 suicides a year, because they give hope to aging white men in their 30’s that they still have the ability to play basketball.
On other hand, Jesus is way too influential in Oklahoma politics. Because of Jesus we have elected officials like Sally Kern and a legislature that’s intent on passing a bunch of draconian laws that prevent the rights and freedoms of Oklahomans…rights and freedoms that Jesus would probably want them to have. Stuff (and people) like that makes me feel sorry for Jesus.
1. Gary England, Meteorologist
Some might call it blasphemy to rank Gary ahead of Jesus. Particularly Bill Kumpe. But, we have to call it like we see it. When Jesus tells us to give all of our money to the poor, we figure out a way to convince ourselves that Jesus, a homeless Middle Eastern man, would consider us to be poor and thus let us use our money for Starbucks and LostOgle T-shirts. When Gary England tells us to get in our hidey-hole, though, we ask no questions. We just know to hop in and listen to Gary England. He’ll let us know it’s okay.