Cashapalooza – Part I

Thanks to the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 that was finally passed by congress a couple of weeks ago, our state is on the verge of receiving approximately $2.5 billion in federal money.  Because we are such good guys here at, we came up with some ideas on how to use this cash to best serve the greater good.  In fact, we had so many ideas, that we’re going release them in installments.  Enjoy!


  • Re-sign Jamie Cerreta

Patrick would be okay if all $2.5 billion went toward her lifetime contract with Fox 25.


  • Give Bob Stoops a raise

Coach Stoops was considered as a candidate for the Head Coach opening of the Denver Bronchos, though he never actually entertained the idea.  Unlike when he did not entertain the openings for Florida (twice), the Cleveland Browns, or every other high profile job opening in the past eight years, Sooner Athletic Director Joe Castiglione did not reward Coach Bride’s Maid with a huge cash incentive to stay.  (That was probably related to the $10MM bonus Stoops received for staying through the 2008 season.)  For not parlaying a job opening into a big raise, Stoops should be rewarded with a big raise.


  • Un-rescind the Tyson Chandler trade

There is a conspiracy theory being bandied about among NBA fans that there was a nefarious reason behind the Thunder rescinding their trade with the New Orleans Hornets.  For those who have forgotten, the Thunder were to receive Tyson Chandler, a borderline all-star center, in return for two guys who can’t make it into the rotation for the Thunder and a second round pick who probably never would have made the team.  That’s what you call an unbalanced trade.

But, in the end, it was Oklahoma City who backed out, and die hard NBA fans believe the only reason the Thunder would back out was for financial reasons.  There is some support for this when you consider that Aubrey McClendon (one of the principal owners) recently had to sell off essentially all of the stock he owned in the company he founded to fund margin calls.  The conpiracy theorists believe that McClendon called off the deal for fear they wouldn’t be able to afford Chandler’s contract.  As much as I hate to admit this, that seems like a much better explanation than the doctor who operated on Chandler’s foot claiming that the surgery was not successful two years after performing the operation.

With the stimulus money to back it up, though, one has to wonder if Thunder GM Sam Presti could find a loophole to un-rescind the trade.


  • Fix the return button on Chad’s keyboard

You may have noticed on Chad’s weekly feature, Friday Night in the Big Town, he tends to squeeze a lot of sentences into a single block of text.  I recently learned that it is not that he likes run-on paragraphs.  He just can’t afford to fix his keyboard.

  • Fund Maps III without a sales tax

During the “Major League City” vote, we got a lot of guff for taking on the city’s most powerful senior citizen, Wanda Jo Stapleton-Pelltier.  (“Guff” is how she would put it.)  She was upset that the 1-cent sales tax was going to cost her $6 everytime she bought hard candy at the grocery store, when all she really wanted was public transit for the city.  Well, with the stimulus money funding the next big OKC project, she can buy $6 more dollars worth of Werthers Original.  See?  It really will stimulate the economy.


  • Assist Edmond in reaching their manifest destiny

As we speak, there are street corners in Edmond that do not have a traffic light…particularly in the neighborhoods.  We cannot allow this injustice to continue.

  • Replenish Mike Gundy’s hair gel supply

He has spiky hair.  Get it?

Kern Gun

  • House Buy-back program

As some of you probably know, there is a housing crisis.  People cannot sell their homes, at least not for what they think they are worth.  I propose we use the stimulus money to correct this problem, but only in Sally Kern’s district.  My program would call for the government to purchase any available homes in Kern’s jurisdiction and re-sell them at a discount to any gay person who promises to vote.