Whole Foods, a grocery store that doesn’t believe in pesticides, found a poisonous spider in its bananas. Spiders are why I believe in pesticides. This spider will supposedly kill a person in 25 minutes. In Oklahoma, it’s closer to an hour due to our above average girth. Two-hours if you drive a Hoveround. If you’re a billionaire trophy wife, the effects of the spider are not felt due to a botox-developed resistance.
Rather than immediately step on the spider, which I’ve named Cuddles, a store employee captured it and gave it to the University of Tulsa. This employee is the same type of person that will run up stairs, rather than out of the house, to escape a killer.
In the interest of public safety, TU’s Director of Animal Facilities froze Cuddles at -80 degrees Fahrenheit “¦ then swallowed it. Actually, David Hamby, director of university relations, said the college doesn’t know what happened to the body. This is where I raise my hand and say, “Excuse me. Mr. Hamby? It’s not a corpse. It’s a f****** spider.”
Hamby said the body was “completely destroyed,” which is redundant because nothing is completely destroyed. There are no levels of destroyed. Nothing is a partially destroyed. It’s gone. I would think educated TU faculty that works with media would know AP style.
Barry Downer, an OSU spider expert, said TU should’ve saved the body for examination. Once again, I raise my hand and say, “Excuse me. Mr. Downer? It’s not a corpse. It’s a f****** spider.”
Now that Cuddles has an OSU tie, Madeleine Pickens will need her donation back.
(Psst. Robotic Hoes, Mainline Lakes and other solutions to Tulsa’s budget shortfall. OKC may need these.)