Breaking Down the Top 10 Miss Rocklahoma Finalists… (UPDATE)

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From July 9th through 12th, the third annual Rocklahoma Music Festival will take place in Pryor, Oklahoma.  Check out some of the acts making an appearance at this year’s event.

Anthrax |  RATT  |  Night Ranger  |  Warrant  |  Stryper  |  Thin Lizzy  |  Twisted Sister  |  Skid Row  |  Great White  |  Nelson

I’ll tell you what, I have a hunch that this may be the trashiest event in Oklahoma history.  Just check out the photos from previous festivals.  It makes the State Fair look like the Oklahoma City Golf and Country Club Debutante Ball.  Seriously, you could give me $1,000 and put me in one of those radioactive suits that that bad guys in E.T. wear and I wouldn’t get within 50 miles of Rocklahoma.   Instead of selling hemp bracelets, they probably sell necklaces made from leftover meth supplies.  Hell, I bet that even the Syphilis and Chlamydia viruses bacterias are scared to use the port-o-pottys.

Anyway, to help make this festival even easier to mock and ridicule, the promoters have created a Miss Rocklahoma pageant.  From the Rocklahoma website:

These top ten ladies represent what we feel Rocklahoma is all about. This contest is not just about beauty and sexuality, but about an energizing, fun loving and outgoing individual who truly encapsulates the spirit of Rocklahoma. The winner will be the ambassador of Rocklahoma 2009.

Let me translate this for you:  this pageant isn’t about looks…it’s about who will show their t*ts on stage and maybe f*ck one of the Nelson brothers.  So I guess it’s kind of like “Rock of Love””¦only worse.  Check out our rankings of the Top 10 Miss Rocklahoma finalists after the jump:

(Update: We had to edit one of the descriptions.  Sorry.)

10. Fawn M.

If we went off looks alone, Fawn may be near the top (seriously).  Hell, her bio’s pretty damn cool, too.  She’s a writer, likes photography, and will even try everything once.  But”¦she’s 22 and is in love with heavy metal hair bands.  That’s odd.  Also, check out this snippet from her bio:

I really dislike people who judge others or think they are better than everyone “¦

Since that totally defines who we are, we really can’t give her any of our support.

9. Jana J.

According to her difficult to understand bio, Jana lives in Wyoming.  That’s unacceptable, a woman has no business winning an Oklahoma rock beauty pageant if she’s from a state more obscure than ours.  Unless, of course, she has very large breasts, is a Cubs fan, and plays competitive checkers.  Then it’s fine.

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8. Tina W.

Yeah, we removed Tina’s picture and our blurb about her from the site.  We are replacing it with a picture of my ex girlfriend and a mean email  from Tina’s husband:

I will be contacting my attorney for defamation of character. I would suggest you take the picture of my wife down. We are very offended and upset over the things you said. She is # 8 Tina W. I would expect a formal apology on you web site!

In all honesty, we didn’t think this post would ever get around to any of the pageant contestants.  If it makes any of them terrible upset, we apologize.

7. Jewels B.

We are sure that Jewels is a nice person, but she almost looks to nice to get our vote.  Seriously, she looks like she could pass for just about anyone’s cool divorced 40-something aunt who drinks too much.  Plus, according to her bio she’s never had a DUI.  To be Miss Rocklahoma, it seems that having  a DUI should be a prerequisite.

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Just kidding…

6.  Allegra B.

Maybe if her name was Allegra D or Allegra DD, she would have cracked the top 5.  Also, can you make meth with Allegra?  Maybe we should ask Chad.

5. Lisa M.

Lisa claims that her favorite drink is “Miller Lite/Coors Light.”  This means one of two things:

  1. Miller Lite and Coors Light are tied as her favorite drink
  2. Some sort of beer suicide mixing Miller Lite with Coors Light is her favorite drink.

In all honesty, neither answer is acceptable for a Miss Rocklahoma.  The correct answer should be Natural Lite.

4.  Brandee W.

This girl is too weird to be an 80’s rock pageant queen.  Seriously, she looks more like she should be at a Beetlejuice fan convention instead of a rock concert.  Also, she hates on Barbara Mandrell in her bio.  Barbara Mandrell just happens to be my grandpa’s favorite singer.  I’ll support my grandpa over a goth chick any day!

3. Beth M.

Per her bio, Beth is apparently the girl who threw her panties on Jim Morrison’s grave when she was only 17-years-old.  That’s kind of cool.  I wonder if she’s the same girl who threw her panties at me while I was live blogging the NCAA tournament at Buffalo Wild Wings on NW Expressway.  If so, she’s lost a lot of weight.

2. Sara B.

You may notice in the picture above that Sara is sporting a Rush T-shirt.  This seems to be an obvious ploy to get the dork vote, and let me tell you, it almost worked.

Seriously, how in the world is a 28-year old woman a Rush fan?  I thought that the only people who liked Rush were 48 year old single IT guys and my friend Jed.  Hell, I bet she also has a cat named Legolas and is a Level 5 Paladin in World of War Craft.  She also probably owns some Dream Theater socks and acts out scenes from the movie Wizards.

1. Erin B.

I’m not going to lie to you.  We are a sucker for beautiful eyes.  And out of all the girls in this competition, Erin has the largest, roundest, plumpest”¦.eyes.  They are so nice that we’ll ignore the fact that she obviously wears colored contacts.  She’s our champion, for sure.