It’s Wednesday night . Oklahoma is to soon be covered in ice and snow. I’m looking out the window of the Former Capitol Press Corpse offices, and I’m pretty sure I can look forward to seeing Dennis Quaid and Jake Gyllenhaal being chased by a Yeti. David Payne and Mike Morgan are almost beside themselves anticipating impending doom, after a week of forecasting Icy Death From Above.
So, in order to pass the time we’re presenting the winter weather edition of the Gary England Drinking Game. We were tempted to broaden the game to accomodate all of the other local news and broadcasting “celebrities” who will brave the elements to tell us that, dare I say, it is cold and wet and dangerous outside. Now, mind you, there is little these people have done to celebrate, yet the stations announce them as worthy of celebration (especially Channel 4), so therefore they are celebraties. Instead, we decided it was more important that you watch Gary England. If something happens to Mike Morgan, I’m sure he’ll let us know.
On to the game . . .
Gary England Drinking Game (Icy Deathfist From Above Winter Rules)
With apologies to Ryan McGhee
*This game is in no way affiliated with Meteorologist Gary England, Val Caster, News 9, or anything else resembling a real life person, place, or thing.
*Please do understand that this game is intended for persons 21 or over.
*Also be aware that if you actually play this game, you will most likely have severe alcohol poisoning within the first thirty minutes.
*The Lost Ogle eschews all responsibility for behaviors arising from playing the ‘Gary England Drinking Game (Icy Deathfist From Above Winter Rules)’.
1. Everyone selects a storm chaser or reporter other than Val Caster. Every time Gary talks to your storm chaser, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see footage from your storm chaser or reporter. Take four drinks if your storm chaser or reporter says “roads are slick and hazardous.”
2. Everyone selects a county other than Pottawatomie County. Every time Gary mentions your county, you take one drink. Take two drinks every time we see footage from your county. Take four drinks if a multicar crash occurs in your county.
1. Take one drink every time Gary says the following:
“slick and hazardous” | “Metro” | “Doppler radar” | “stay in your homes” | “Viper” | “power outage” | “blizzard” | “downed power lines” | “just stay inside” | “bitter cold”
2. When Gary gives a list of counties, take one drink for every county in the list. When one of the anchors gives a list of closings, take one drink for every closing. If the anchor is Amy McRee, chug.
3. Take one drink every time Gary interrupts a program. Take one drink if Gary says “You’re not missing any of [program name].” Take one drink when Gary says “We’ll keep you advised.”
1. Take two drinks every time Gary says the following:
“sleet changing over to snow” | “Waterloo Road” | “Pottawatomie County” | “Deer Creek High School”
2. Take two drinks every time Gary mentions the following towns:
Altus | Burns Flat | Dill City | Gotebo | Hydro | Lookeba | Meeker | Mulhall | Oktaha | Olustee | Shattuck | Slaughterville | Tryon | Vici | Waukomis | Wayne (or Payne) | Weleetka | Wetumkah
3. Take two drinks every time Gary talks to Val Caster.
1. Take three drinks if we see footage from Val Caster.
2. Take three drinks if we see footage from Pottawatomie County.
3. Take three drinks if Gary mentions the following:
“blizzard conditions” | “widespread power outages” | “black ice” | “Portable Radio” | “portable generator” | “winter storm warning in effect until”
4. Take three drinks if Ed Murray has been on the air for more than nine hours.
5. Take three drinks if Kelly Ogle nods knowingly, or if Amy McCree touches Gary on the arm.
1. Take four drinks if a reporter or storm chaser slips on live camera.
1a. Take another four if it is Jennifer Pierce and her back tattoo is visible.
2. Take four drinks if a car crashes into another car on live camera during a reporter standup.
3. Take four drinks if someone in a car rolls down their window in blinding snow to wave and yell.
3a. Take another four if they crash into the car in front of them.
4. Take four drinks if Gary recommends closing interstates 35, 40, or 44 before the state government does so.
Finish your drink
1. Finish your drink if someone uses the word “gustnado” or if Gary mentions the nearest cross streets to you.
2. If Gary or News9 reports that KFOR Channel 4 meteorologist Jonathan Conder has been carried off by a tall, hairy beast to become a Yeti love slave, pour a little out for your homies and finish your drink.
3. If Gary reports that Channel 4’s Mike Morgan has been lost in the storm, buy a round for the house.