Gentle Readers: Ladies, Ogles and Bikes

Happy Wednesday, gentle readers.  Here are this week’s answers to your burning questions.

Brittany asks:

If the Oklahoma legislature doesn’t trust me to make decisions about my body, should I stop trusting myself?

Actually, gentle Brittany, I think this is precisely the goal of the Oklahoma legislature.  As Sally Kern stated earlier this year, women don’t work as hard because they would rather take care of their families.  This is kind of hard to believe because there are more Oklahoma women enrolling in colleges and graduate programs than there are men.  Another fun fact:  Oklahoma incarcerates more women than any other state.  Some of these women are pregnant and give birth in prison.  And instead of notifying the next of kin to take the baby, many of these children are simply placed in state custody for the majority of their childhood.  And if you add to all this, the incredible amount of anti-abortion legislation that has been pushed through this year alone as well as the talk to defund Planned Parenthood, you kind of get the feeling that maybe the state legislature is attacking women.

But don’t worry too much about it.  I’ve been told it’s for our own good.  I mean, who knows why Oklahoma is consistently rated one of the worst states for women?  The legislature does all the thinking for us!  It’s a great system.

So what does all this mean?  Well, gentle Brittany, it means that if we are to follow what Oklahoma state legislature wants, then we ladies should all accept our roles as incubators for sperm.  Then, we should spend the rest of our adult lives wearing mom jeans and pretending we really love staying at home all the time with hordes of children.  Job shmob!  Careers and dreams are for men anyway.  Basically, you should completely stop trusting yourself.  Because the Oklahoma legislature doesn’t trust you and never will.  Even the sister haters like Sally Kern don’t trust you.  (It’s my humble opinion that she should have her vagina repossessed because she’s deadweight for the gender.)

JoeBob writes:

Sometime count how many times Kevin Ogle licks his teeth during a single Channel 4 newscast.

You know, gentle JoeBob, it’s funny you should mention that.  You see, we here at The Lost Ogle just applied for a grant to fund what we hope will become the preeminent research institution in the nation.  If all goes according to plan, by this time next year, we will have set up The Lost Ogle Foundation to Research News Anchor Nonsense.  Your Kevin Ogle teeth licking concern will fit squarely into our mission of watching countless hours of local news programming and meticulously making charts and graphs of our findings.  From there, we can study not only how many times Kevin Ogle licks his teeth during a broadcast, but how many times he does it during certain types of stories as well as when he does it while he is speaking.

Unfortunately, gentle JoeBob, we just don’t have the funding at this point in time to carry out this research.  Hopefully the grant comes through though, because it’s very important that we know Kevin Ogle’s teeth licking habits, how often Meg Alexander changes her weave, how often Mike Morgan wears that red tie with the big sparkly snowflake on it ad it’s really important to know how often Gary England conjures these tornadoes of doom upon us.

If you would like to help with The Lost Ogle Foundation to Research News Anchor Nonsense, you may place some cash in a paper bag and leave it under a bush outside of Bill’s in Norman.  I’ll be sure to get it.  And rest assured, your donation will be used to further this research.

Allie asks:

Do you think Oklahoma will ever be a more bike-friendly place?

Interesting question, gentle Allie.  While I will admit that there are a few good places to ride your bike, like Norman, there really is no place that is completely bike-friendly.  Because even in Norman, there are still a lot of stupid people with Hummers and they really don’t like waiting for a bicycle to turn left.  So, they speed around them in the middle of an intersection, because people that pay more for gasoline have more rights than others.  Or, at least I think that’s the official law on the books in Norman.

Anyway, I know there are pockets here and there of places that are good for biking.  I hear the Paseo is pretty good, and I know it’s pretty common in Edmond around UCO.  The thing that bike riders have to remember is that the more we do it, the more people will have to accept us doing it.  All I can say is that you should ride your bike as much as possible.  Ride it to work everyday.  For the most part, the places that would pass bike-friendly legislation already have the bike lanes.  No amount of lobbying will really change the minds of the other places.  So the only thing you can do is keep riding your bike.  Soon, others will join you.  And maybe in a few years, that area will add a bike lane or two.

Or, you could always go around slashing tires on cars and spray paint the slogan “two tires good, four tires bad” on them.  I think that will achieve your goal faster.

That’s it for this week, gentle readers.  Hit me up with your questions or live in ignorance forever!  Send me your Twitter questions to @GentleMarisa or use the new snail mail and email me at