Spence Sez: Moons Over My Hammy

Hey friends, thanks for the mostly positive feedback from last weeks column. I had some great questions submitted. This week I tackle some pretty serious topics, from my workout routine to the scent of Joleen Chaney. Wanna know why there is a picture of Diana Ross? Well, you’re going to have to read to find out!

Question: If you had 5 min with @danieltosh would you do anything gay w/him, since he seems to luv the male erection? –@agent_sproul

Thanks for the Twitter question! I wish you had more characters to explain why I only get five minutes with him. If given five minutes with Tosh, I would consider punching him in the face for the negative things he’s said about Oklahoma and the Midwest. But if he offered me a writing job, I would probably do something “gay” with/for him. Actually, I think Tosh.0 on Comedy Central is pretty funny, despite it being a hack premise of G4TV’s Web soup, which is a hack premise of E!’s Talk Soup. Regardless, Tosh is funny on his show, his stand-up is pretty funny as well. Mind you, he is no Louis C.K. or Bill Burr. But the long and short of it is, I would let him use one of my precious erections in a skit if he asked.

Sometimes I like to imagine that Joleen Chaney’s butt smells like fine Umeboshi plums. My question is, I am worried that I might be more attracted to the fact that her butthole might smell like Umeboshi plums than the fact that she’s effing hot. What do you think? –Dooby

Thanks for submitting the first ever email question for my column, Dooby!  Also, thanks for emailing the first ever question that I had to send to Patrick’s for approval.

To be honest, I have no idea what “Umeboshi plums” smell like. I imagine it’s a pleasant smell, comparable to the subtle scent of freshly pumped frozen strawberry yogurt. But I have proof that Joleen’s butt can’t smell like plums.

Lady’s and gentlemen of the jury, exhibit A:

First, did Joleen have a road weary trucker take this photo? Because that is the only demographic that goes to Denny’s. Second, how much mace did she use to get her camera back from said trucker? Third, no one wakes up the morning after eating at Denny’s and thinks, “That was a good idea.” So my answer to you is: Joleen’s dumper does not smell like plums… of any variety. But, if it makes you feel better, I imagine it looks like an Umeboshi plum.

So you were not able to move to Tecumseh quick enough to keep your position in State government? Or you don’t look good enough in a pant suit or law enforcement uniform? -Kbok

You are correct on all three of your assumptions (refer to my Diana Ross comment in the first question, hard for me to look good in any outfit). Good work Kbok. When Mary took office, 26 people from the previous administration lost their jobs. For someone who made campaign promises about bringing jobs to Oklahoma, she started off on the wrong foot. But not to worry, I am now a full-time trivia host and Asian masseuse (look for my ad in the back of the Gazette). Also, I still talk with my trooper friends and there have been some new additions to her security detail. Hooray for Jobs!

Can I borrow a hug? –@TZOKC

Of Course! But I’m going to need it back before my next AA meeting.

Well friends, that’s all the questions. Please keep sending me questions on either twitter (@spencerlenox) or email (spencer.hicks@gmail.com) and I’ll answer them next Tuesday. I love you all.