Spence Sez: Smelta Burke, More Like Delta Burke.

Happy Tuesday, friends! I’m super excited about football and this weather. My weekend consisted of little more than sitting on my ass and watching football until my eyes stopped working. The Sooners and the Pokes won, so it was a good weekend. Why is there a picture of Emma Stone? Because she is one of only two redheads that are attractive on this planet. Redheads are so stinkin’ ugly. Anycrap, we have some great questions this week, so let’s get to it!

As a ginger, can you grow a fabulous beard?Nick Atwood

Thanks for the question! But why would I go through the trouble of growing a beard when I already married one. ZING! But seriously, I can grow a fabulous beard, it just looks stupid on my misshapen head. Plus, a beard doesn’t make up for the fact that gingers don’t have souls.

Can a man whore ever be tamed, or is my entire dating philosophy considerably flawed?xCawoodstock

Before today, I would have said, no, a man-whore can never be tamed. But I went to see Crazy Stupid Love yesterday afternoon and Ryan Gosling’s character is a man-whore that settles down once he falls in love with Emma Stone’s character! If that doesn’t give you hope, at least you can see Ryan with his shirt off for a bit. Take your next man-whore-friend to see it. And if seeing this movie doesn’t slow your date’s man-whoring tendencies, then the venereal diseases will!

Is there such a thing as “Kitty Style”?@Brooks_Ryan

Speaking of “man-whoring!” There is such a thing as “kitty style,” but it involves a barbed penis. So be careful out there. Make sure only a professional barbs your member, and the doctors will try to up-sell you with the fur sheath, but don’t fall for it.

How many fingers am I holding up?TZOKC

Who the hell do you think you are, my proctologist?

Why do I always feel the need to have some cool hip-hop playing on the stereo when my black friends come over?Chekkie

Simple, because you want your guests to feel welcome. Here are some other things you can do to make your black friends more comfortable: 1) Place a “racism” jar on your coffee table. It’s like a “swear” jar, but instead of cussing, you put a quarter in the jar every time something is thought to be racist. 2) Get rid of your swimming pool (unless your friend’s nickname is “Junebug”, a black person with the nickname “Junebug” can always swim). 3) Tell them you voted for Barack Obama.

Who’s on first? I mean, I know his name is Who, but who is he deep down inside?Dept_of_Truth

“Who’s Who?” That’s a question I ask myself when I’m pretending to be an owl. Aside from that, Who is an empty, shell of a man. The only time he really feels alive is when he uses a straight razor to cut his inner arm.

Is Chaz Bono, Jim Traber’s alter ego? They look like mirror images of each other. Please help. -Dooby

Great question, Dooby. I’m glad you aren’t asking about dirty things to do to Emily Sutton. The answer to your question is “no”. Chaz Bono and Jim Traber are different people. But they have both had sex change operations. So when you’re watching Dancing With the Stars this season and you see Chaz Bono, know that Traber is at home crying into a jar labeled “tears.”

Well, that’s it for me. Thank you for the questions and for reading my article. I really appreciate your support and kind words. If you think of a question, email it to “spencer.hicks@gmail.com” or send it to me on Twitter: @SpencerLenox