Dear Devon Tower,
I’m onto you and your games. You may not remember this, but the first time I skipped class was to buy tickets for The Lord of the Rings. I’ve read LotR so many times that I can quote weird things the Púkel-men said. I own a complete Frodo costume, and more Peter Jackson-licensed kitsch than anyone who ever plans to have an active sex life should. So, let’s just say this isn’t my first rodeo.
That’s why I’m aware of what’s going down. Don’t tell me you’re there to house the day-to-day operations of your company. I wasn’t born yesterday. I know that as soon as construction is finished, your tower will house the eye of Sauron. I know that in Oklahoma history there were 20 rings created. Most likely, these rings were given to Wiley Post, Will Rogers, Wilma Mankiller, Maria Tallchief, and the Hanson brothers. And I know there’s one ring to bind them all. That’s what you’re watching for. You lost that ring, and now you want it back.
But there is something you didn’t count on. We have a hobbit! That’s right! We have a hobbit. Yeah, there is no shire, and none of us can really afford to live in Rivendell. But hobbits we can do! So, get ready for it, Devon Tower. The minute Al Eschbach throws the one ring of power into the Myriad Botanical Gardens, you’re going to come a-crumbling down! Your orcs can’t stop us.
But hobbits are peaceful creatures, you may find yourself thinking, more content to drink beer at local bars where they continually tell the waitress that she’s pretty, and they can’t wait to take her on a trip. (Seriously, if you are a woman in your twenties working in the food service industry and Eschbach has offered to do this, leave me a comment. I’m dying to do a profile on you.) But when it comes down to it, hobbits have to fight in order to save the world they love.
I thought you should know, Devon Tower. Also, for this version of the story, James Harden plays Gimli, because he has a beard. Biker Fox will have to be Gollum, because he’s probably the only person that would be fine with wearing a spandex motion-capture suit.