Spence Sez: Joe Pa’s lap bone.

Penn State has an 8-2 record in football this season. They are 0-20 in child molestation charges. Michael Jackson was 3-0. You’ve got a ways to go Penn State before you can catch up with the King of Pop… or the Catholic church (whose record will be impossible to beat because they won’t release their record).

Personally, I’m glad Joe Pa was fired. I realize HE didn’t molest any kids, but he knew that someone was. And knowing is half the battle… wait. OK, he knew something wrong had happened and didn’t do anything. If he had come forth with the information and handed Sandusky over to the authorities he would still be coaching. But what do I know? I’m just a guy that wants to fart into a tornado before I die.

Anycrap, we have some awesome questions this week. I’m excited to answer them, so let’s get to it!

When is the best time of year to buy a couch?copykelly

Thanks for the question, CopyKelly! I’m not sure when the best time of the year is, but I’ll tell you the best time. But first, shop around. Go to a friend’s house and ask them where they got their couch. Find out how much they paid for it, and when they are out-of-town, steal it. Act surprised when they tell you they were robbed. Otherwise I would say the day after the Super Bowl. I bet people buy couches for their party and then return them the next day (You’ll have to Febreeze that Clark Matthews smell from them).

What are the best excuses to use to avoid my family during the holiday season?GentleMarisa

Our very own Gentle Marisa! Since you have a significant other, I’ll make it easy on you. You tell your family that you will be spending the holidays with his family. Then you have him tell his family that you guys are spending it with your family. You are now free to enjoy the holidays. Otherwise, diarrhea is always a great excuse to get out of anything. People don’t ask a lot of questions when you drop the “D” word.

If you don’t feel comfortable with that have a stranger (me) call and inform your family that they have won a trip to Branson, Missouri. I will then buy them a one nights stay at the Lawrence Welk Resort and take them to dinner at Dolly Parton’s Dixieland Stampede!

Is Oklahoma really just Texas’s hat?TurboHouston

Yes. But only if you consider Texas that moon-faced dude from Mask.

Do you know where I put my spare set of car keys? You are the oracle, right?ErikaNicoleHuff

Hello, Erika! I’m often confused for an oracle, but that is to be expected after receiving the Stigmata. I’m just a dude that likes to sit in a tower chewing hallucinogenic plants and watching the visions dance before my eyes. Wait… Your keys are in your junk drawer in the kitchen.

Why am I your favorite comedian? What is your biggest fear? Favorite flavor of potato chip? Who do you want to win in 2012? –BrandonComedy

Hey Brandon! You’re my favorite comic because you’re black, but you are funny like a white person! I don’t mean that in a racist way, your humor seems to come from a very white place. My biggest fear is being trampled to death while masturbating at a Bruno Mars concert. I like regular Lay’s Brand potato chips. And I want Obama to win in 2012, unless Ron Paul gets the Republican nomination. But it doesn’t matter, the Republican nominee will win Oklahoma.

What should NBA players do now that there isn’t a season?@Gillygal

I’m sure they’ll find something to do with all their disposable time and money. But I hear Chris Bosch is going to be acting! Word on the street is that he’ll be playing a Velociraptor in Fox’s Terra Nova!

Well, that’s it for me. Thanks for the questions. If you have a question, follow me on Twitter: @SpencerLenox and I’ll answer them next time! Hugs and kisses.