Fried turkey, Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider, mashed apathy, creamed field goal attempts, and the most underwhelming Black Friday crowd in the nation–ah, nothing like Thanksgiving in Tulsa. While you were eating Meemaw’s stuffing like a recovered Atkin’s diet victim and arguing about politics with your extended family, I was experiencing one of the most poignant existential crises of my real world life (which arguably has only been active a mere six months).
I know, I sound like a whiny bitch right about now, but something about Christmas in the suburbs drives content, easy-going individuals to examine their current situation and fabricate their own supposed failures. If you or your significant other is entering one of these slumps, I recommend treating yourself and that special someone to a classic night on the town in the true heart of Oklahoma, good ole’ Tulsa. That is, unless you’re single like me. In that case, adopt a cat, slap a bag of Franzia, and Netflix some Ally McBeal.
Along with all my other single ladies, I too waste ample amounts of time day dreaming about the elaborate, fairy-tale dates my knight in shining armor may or may not take me on one day. At least if I share them with you, I can consider my fantasies somewhat productive (or at least, a little less pathetic). Here’s the list of the best things to do with that lovely lady in your life this season. You’ll want to thank me…after she thanks you (enter winky face emoji here):
1. Rhema’s Christmas Lights Extravaganza. If you’ve lived in Tulsa for any amount of time, chances are you’ve visited this festive display somewhere between twelve and fifty times. This is an ideal location to bring a proper, classy kind of lady–it’s at a Bible college, so canoodling should be kept to a minimum. Just because you no longer care if you’re on Santa’s “naughty” or “nice” list doesn’t mean you God won’t smite thou for copping a feelsie in front of a nativity scene.
2. Rent a limousine and see the Nutcracker. Tacky joke alert: there’s a damn good reason why this holiday classic is called “The Nutcracker.” I for one can honestly not think of a more dreadful way to spend a perfectly good weekend night. However, when it comes to females, I’m the 1%…other chicks DIG prepubescent ballerinas darting away from predatory rats in solider costumes. This is where the limousine comes in handy–you’re going to need to be very intoxicated to get through this night. However, if you spoil your wife with champagne, a fancy limo, and the nutcracker, I’m sure she’ll find some way to thank you. It’s win-win!
3. Winterfest. Over the long weekend, the city of Tulsa erected an ice skating rink across the street from the BOK Center. A night holding mitten-clad hands, twirling in the moonlight and staring dreamily into your lover’s eyes seems idyllic. To ensure your experience is as perfect as you have pictured, be sure to bring pepper spray to fend off the homeless hecklers waiting in the parking lot, sixty dollars in cash for refreshments, and a box of Band-aids for the blisters that will inevitably pop up thanks to ill-fitting ice skates.
4. “Cook dinner” and watch classic Christmas movies. Those quotations are intentional. Avoid the hassle of cooking and cleaning but reap all the benefits of an honest homemade meal by destroying all evidence of take-out. Grab a couple of ribeyes from the Green Onion, some garlic cheese melt from Lambruzco’s, and a bottle of Velvet Devil. Pop in Love Actually and wait until the awkward porn star scene happens before you begin your stealthy groping.
Interested in becoming my seasonal boyfriend (or just find me wildly amusing)? Holla atchyo girl on Twitter at @xCawoodstock