I used to believe that two teams praying to the same God would cancel the prayers out. But Tim Tebow has proven me wrong. I’m not jumping on the “Hate Tebow” bandwagon. I’ve hated him ever since he was called for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty in the 2009 national championship game. I had the privileged of attending that game, and when he taunted an OU player by doing the “gator clap,” I thought, “what an arrogant douche.” It wasn’t until later I realized he was a hyper-Christian (the most annoying of all Christians). But now that the Broncos are 7-1 with Tebow, people are saying it’s God making the “impossible possible.” If the Denver Broncos winning ways are an act of God, I say, way to go God. After Tebow wins the Super Bowl would you mind looking into fixing the AIDS problem in Africa? Thanks. Here is another picture of Tebow with a hot chick that he didn’t sleep with.
How much is too much when it comes to pre-gaming your company’s dry Christmas party? Totally asking for me and not a friend. –@GentleMarisa
TLO’s own Marisa! Thank you for the question my gentle friend. Before I answer your question I have a question for you: Is your party being held in Kentucky? I ask because what kind of stupid puritan company wouldn’t allow alcohol? Perhaps you work for the Denver Broncos… Anycrap, I would suggest you get “business drunk” before going to your party. Keep a flask in your clutch to keep the drunk dice rolling. But be careful not to get “business sick” on yourself. Good luck out there.
In the spirit of my last name, is it possible to have too much bacon on a b.l.t.? –@BlaineBacon
Blaine, the only way it’s possible to have too much bacon on your B.L.T. is if your last name is “McJewowicz.”
Why do I cry so much between the hours of 8-10 pm? Is it the moon? –@ZachSmithComedy
Hey Zach! Thanks for the question. I’m excited to see you open for comedian Kyle Kinane Jan. 8th. That will be a good show. Now, to answer your question, you cry at night because of you period. Periods, as any gynecologist will tell you, are caused by the moon. So you kinda cry because of the moon, but mostly because of your body flushing the uterine walls. I would recommend bathing in the waters of the Gulf. That should help.
On what day this year do you predict Snowpocalypse will occur? Need to make sure I get to the store ahead of the dummies. –@ToniMitch
Well hello, Toni. I have bad news for you, there will not be a Snowpocalypse this year. Thanks to the earthquakes and tornadoes, mother nature is going to spare us from the blizzards of the past two years. But you’ll still want to get supplies for the upcoming hobo-wars. I think they are scheduled to start January 5th. Stay frosty, my friend.
With the weather getting colder, and with you being so skinny, I’m worried you’re going to freeze to death. Friend, when’s the last time you had a bowl of Wolf Brand chili? And, ain’t that been too long? –@PleaseStopGreg
Hooray! A question from one of my favorite Twitter users. Wolf Brand is my favorite chili. I should also note that I love diarrhea. Don’t worry about me, I dress in layers; often with a faggy sweater-vest. So I’ll be alright, but it has been too long since I’ve had a hearty bowl of Wolf Brad chili. Shopping tip: if you see Tom Selleck leaving a grocery store, go to a different grocery store if you were there to buy Wolf Brand chili.
Thank you very much for the questions. I love you all. Follow me on Twitter if you want to ask questions or read jokes. @SpencerLenox